Passage

By: Aloysius

When I close my eyes, I still can see your smile.
It’s bright enough to light my life out of my darkest hour.
Please believe it’s true when I tell you I love you.
~Gloria Estefan “I See Your Smile”

Tanilea Jamelle could remember quite clearly the first time she laid eyes on the man who would later become her true love, though at the time she had not known he would be. Her master Lanar Idlea had brought her to Coruscant for the first time since taking her as a Padawan learner. Just shy of her thirteenth year, Tanilea found the large city full of fascinating people and places both enchanting and overwhelming. “So many minds!” she had exclaimed upon first seeing the massive capitol through the ship’s viewport.

With the patient smile the Padawan would come to know so well over the next decade, Master Lanar nodded. She was a tall woman, always in good humor. Tanilea thought she was exceptionally beautiful with her flowing blond hair and violet eyes. Lanar always told her Padawan that she too possessed great beauty both inside and out, but when Tanilea looked upon the older woman, she could not believe it. Her own raven hair and midnight blue eyes did little to compensate for the fact that she always felt too small: too short to be imposing, too slender to seem capable of fighting. The situation grew no better as she aged either. “Many, many minds, Padawan. You have already begun to learn to shield yourself from the flood of thoughts. Use what you know. It would hardly do for you to have a nervous breakdown so soon, would it?”

Tanilea had laughed and focused on complying to her Master’s request. To her surprise, the barriers fell into place easily, her newly-garnered training already becoming a part of her.

“Master Qui-Gon Jinn will be meeting us when we land. He has recently taken on a Padawan as well. The boy is close to your age. We thought it might be nice for both of you to have someone to talk to about the changes you are going through,” Lanar explained quietly, feeling as much as watching for Tanilea’s reaction.

“I would like that very much,” she replied sincerely. As much as she desired to become a Jedi, it was hard leaving the temple where she had grown up, the only home she remembered. Talking to another in the same situation seemed a welcome diversion. Tanilea listened to the ship as it was piloted to a textbook landing. She felt it powering down, before that sensed the landing legs extending. “We’ve landed.” On the way out of the ship, she held Lanar’s hand. The Master was her only link to anything familiar, and Tanilea had no intention of giving her up until she was sure of herself in her new surroundings.

As they descended from the ship, Tanilea saw a tall man and a lanky young boy waiting on the landing pad. The few streaks of silver in his long hair made the man appear just a bit older than Master Lanar, though he appeared to be every bit as kind-natured. His smile put her at ease almost at once. The boy, on the other hand, seemed quite nervous and fidgeted under their gaze. Tanilea instantly liked him, regardless of his demeanor. Something in his blue-green eyes made her smile. It felt good to smile after the days of worrying over their arrival. Lanar smiled and gently embraced the man. “Master Jinn, it is wonderful to see you. And a pleasure to meet you . . .”

“Obi-Wan Kenobi,” the boy replied with a small bow. “Nice to meet you.” Obviously Master Jinn had given him at least a small lesson in etiquette before the meeting.

“And what is your name, Padawan?” Qui-Gon asked Tanilea.

The usual nervousness she felt around authority figures was oddly absent as she replied, “Tanilea Jamelle, Master Jinn. Pleased to meet you.”

“I am pleased to meet you as well,” he answered with a small smile.

Obi-Wan stuck out his hand to her. “Hi. I’m Obi-Wan.”

Tanilea smiled and took the offered hand, noting with no surprise that he was almost a foot taller than she. “Tanilea. You can call me Tani if you want. Most people do.”

He nodded, filing the information for future use. “Call me Obi.”

The name seemed to fit the care-free personality Tanilea sensed about him. “Alright.”

Before she could say anything more, Lanar placed a hand on her shoulder. “Come, Padawan. There will be time for more talk later. Let’s at least get our luggage to our rooms, hmm?”

“Yes, Master.” She smiled once more at Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan, then followed Master Lanar into the ship. “They’re nice,” she observed with pleasure.

Lanar began freeing their luggage from the storage compartments. “Very. I have known Master Jinn for some time. His Padawan seems to be a fine young man as well. I hope the two of you will get along.”

“We will.” There was no question in Tanilea’s mind that they could be anything save best friends. “Always.”

“You’re sure of that?” Lanar asked, handing Tanilea her suitcase.

She paused for a moment, thinking. Something, perhaps the Force, whispered the answer in her ear. “I’m sure.”

Dark and dangerous like a secret that gets whispered in a hush,
When I wake the things I dreamt about you last night make me blush.
~Indigo Girls “Ghost”

Almost three years had passed since Tanilea began the long road to becoming a Jedi. With each year, Obi-Wan and Tanilea became better friends. If it were not for the fact that they were both busy with their studies, they would have spent every waking moment together. The only problem was that Tanilea realized Obi-Wan had developed a crush on her. She wished often that he had just left things as they were, but it comforted her to know that he would never move on the attraction for fear of ruining their friendship. As much as she loved him--like a brother--Tanilea had no desire to become romantically involved with her fellow Padawan.

They sat side-by-side in the quarters Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon shared, deep in discussion over the holovid that had just finished its run. “You have to be kidding!” Tanilea exclaimed. “It was horrible! Depressing. Dark and depressing.”

He sat partially up from his spot on the floor and stared at her in disbelief. “It was not! It was about hope. It-”

“Hope?” Tanilea’s disbelief was obvious.

“Yes.”

She snorted in disgust and threw a pillow at him. “You’re full of it.”

Before Obi-Wan could retaliate, a new voice joined the conversation, “And you should both be studying.”

Tanilea started at the sound of Master Jinn’s voice, then silently berated herself for her reaction. She had always been perfectly at ease around him, but recently his presence made her nervous, edgy, a reaction she had not had to anyone since her arrival on Coruscant. Though she could not yet put her finger on what caused the uneasiness, Tanilea felt reluctant to mention the situation to Master Lanar. After all, she should be able to deal with her own emotions after three years of intensive training. At least she was able to make a graceful exit. Whenever Master Jinn interrupted the two, it meant that they were both needed to continue their lessons. “Master Jinn.” She bowed respectfully before heading for the door. “See you later, Obi.” Good luck!

He smiled silent thanks. And it was too good! And about hope, he sent as the door slid shut.

“Wake up, Padawan.” Lanar gently shook Tanilea’s shoulder. Wake up, Tani.

With a small sigh, Tanilea rolled over and sat up, blinking in the darkness of their quarters until her eyes adjusted. “What is it, Master?” Sleep dulled her sensed and made it difficult to focus on her Master’s words.

The woman smiled and sat down on the bed beside her. “You were talking in your sleep. And you remember what we talked about yesterday?” Tanilea nodded, suddenly wondering how their talk about Master Jinn related to her nocturnal ramblings. “I understand now. You said his name as you slept.”

Realization slowly flooded Tanilea’s tired brain, even as color flooded her cheeks. “Oh,” she replied meekly, more than a bit embarrassed by how obvious her feelings suddenly were. Why didn’t I notice sooner?

“You need not feel so self-conscious, Padawan. You are not the first girl who has had a crush on someone, you know.”

The words were soft, meant to comfort, but they struck an odd chord with Tanilea. Something in the statement was wrong. . . . not the first girl who has had a crush on someone . . . Her heart whispered the answer that Tanilea knew already. “What if it isn’t a crush?”

Lanar raised an eyebrow and looked carefully at the girl. Long hair obscured Tanilea’s face; still, the Master read her emotions easily. “You think it may be love?”

The question was so carefully spoken that Tanilea could not tell her Master’s opinion of the thought. “Logically, I would answer no. My heart speaks differently.” Her icy blue eyes, all the colder for the fear she felt, sought Lanar’s. “Could I be wrong?” The part of her heart not devoted to suddenly pumping blood at a much faster rate than was normal yearned for the Jedi to dispel her fears, to say there was no chance she could have fallen in love with Master Jinn.

For a moment, Lanar said nothing. The silence suffocated Tanilea like a wet blanket. She was about to reach out with the Force to try and probe Master Lanar’s feelings when she spoke. “If your heart tells you that you are in love, you likely are. The heart can be trained to lie to others, but a pure heart can never lie to its owner. And yours is a pure heart, Padawan.”

Tears threatened as Tanilea asked piteously, “What do I do?”

“Wait. Wait until the time is right. Or until the love fades. Not all loves are meant to be. Some are never shared. Some are not meant to be shared.” Something in Master Lanar’s tone and manner told Tanilea that she herself had experienced such heartbreak at least once in her life. “Most of all, do not fear your feelings. No feelings are wrong. Some are more pleasant and more helpful than others, some are to be confronted and banished, but none are wrong. Let go your fear, Padawan.”

With a sigh, Tanilea forced her heart erratic beating to slow, willed herself into a state of calm again. “I will, Master. Thank you.”

Lanar held her briefly, then rose. “Good night, Tani. And sweet dreams.”

I get a little tongue-twisted every time I talk to you, when I see you
And I’m so glad that you just missed it, the way I stared to memorize your face.
To kiss you in my mind, love you all the time.
~Gloria Estefan “I See Your Smile”

Tanilea blocked her friend’s blows with ease. From the moment she picked up her lightsaber for the first time, it had been a part of her. The glowing orange blade flew through the air. She knew Obi-Wan hated sparring with her. Though he had trained as hard as she, dueling was not something he felt passionate about. Tanilea loved it. She loved the freedom, the beauty, the grace. It reminded her of dancing, but dancing made her nervous. Holding her lightsaber, she knew the peace she felt inside must show on her face.

She wished they could be outside. The feeling of the wind rushing by her face seemed to her a perfect companion to the free-flow feeling of the duel. But Coruscant was a planet full of cities. Buildings dominated the entire surface. Instead, the Padawan imagined herself outside, created the sensations she wished to feel. Finally Tanilea managed to back Obi-Wan up against a nearby wall. Both deactivated their lightsabers and grinned. “Well done, Obi! Not your fault I’m better than you are.”

The Padawan smirked as he re-clipped the lightsaber to his belt. “Funny. Very funny.”

Qui-Gon and Lanar both clapped. “Bravo!” Lanar called enthusiastically. “You are both much improved.”

“I agree,” Qui-Gon said with a smile. “Very impressive.”

A year after realizing the nature of her feelings toward Master Jinn, Tanilea had become used to the fluttering of her heart whenever he entered a room, the sudden giddiness. No longer did she worry about whether he would see her intentions. As Master Lanar had suggested, she had let go of her fear. Tanilea knew she had the skill to conceal her emotions. Fear was useless and upsetting. She thanked the Force that she was able to at least be with him on a regular basis. She felt lucky rather than deprived. “Thank you, Master Jinn.”

Obi-Wan grinned. “Thank you, Master.”

One day while walking together through Coruscant’s crowded streets, Obi-Wan asked Tanilea something she never expected. “You love him, don’t you?”

Suddenly nervous, she played innocent. “Who?”

He sighed and put a hand on her arm, forcing her to stop in mid-step. He pulled her over to the side of the street and leaned against the nearest building. “Master Qui-Gon.”

“Oh.” Tanilea knew it would be wrong to lie, especially to her best friend. But she did not wish to hurt him either. And it would hurt him. “I . . . yes. For . . . for awhile now.”

To Tanilea’s surprise, he smiled. “And why didn’t you tell me? We’re supposed to tell each other all those juicy details about our lives, you know. That’s what friends are for.”

“I just . . . I . . .” She was at a loss for words. She sensed nothing but sincere amusement from her friend, not the jealousy or anger she had feared and expected. “I didn’t expect this reaction, I guess.”

Obi-Wan stepped closer and put his arm around her shoulders, then began walking again. “You are going to have to learn to expect more from me, Tani. No matter how I might feel about you--I know you’re aware of it--I want more than anything for you to be happy. That’s what’s really important, okay? Above all, you are my best friend.”

With a contented sigh, Tanilea laid her head on her friend’s shoulder. “Thanks, Obi. I needed to hear that.” She laughed. “I’ve been dying for someone to confide in, you know. And . . . sometimes it’s hard talking to Master Lanar.”

“I know what you mean. Friends are a bit easier to be around at times. You can always talk to me,” he affirmed gently.

“Where would you like me to start then? Remembering that you will be sworn to complete secrecy under penalty of death.” Having the burden of her secret lifted had left Tanilea feeling delightfully happy. It was wonderful to be completely truthful with her friend again.

He smiled too, equally pleased to be in Tanilea’s confidence again. “Begin at the beginning. And I don’t doubt you on the penalty of death. It’s between you and me. I promise.”

“In that case . . .”

If I wanted to, I could turn mountains to gold
I could smoke, drink, swear and I would never grow old
I wouldn’t have to be in love with you
If I only wanted to.
~Melissa Etheridge “If I Wanted To”

“Happy birthday, Tani!” Obi-Wan said, kissing his friend on the cheek. At the same time, he slipped a package into her hand. “It isn’t much, but when I saw it, I thought of you.”

“You didn’t have to, you know. But I’m glad you did.” She pulled the slender blue ribbon off of the box and opened it. Inside was a small silver bracelet inlaid with stones identical to those on the hilt of her lightsaber. “Obi, it’s beautiful!” Tanilea hugged him and then put the bracelet on. “Thank you.”

“Anytime,” he replied pleasantly.

Lanar looked her Padawan up and down. “I still can’t believe that you’re 21 already! It seems just yesterday that I found you at the temple.”

“That was a long time ago,” Tanilea said softly.

“Yes. Yes, it was.” The Jedi Master smiled. “Just keep reminding me of that. When you get old and feeble like me . . .”

Qui-Gon held up a hand. “I don’t think you should continue that. I am older than you, you recall.”

An evil grin spread across Lanar’s face. “Yes, I do.”

With a sigh, Qui-Gon turned his attention to the birthday girl. “You’re sure that punch wasn’t spiked?”

“Quite sure,” Tanilea replied with a slight smile. She felt proud of herself for learning so well to suppress the weak-in-the-knees feeling that never failed to pounce on her whenever he spoke. All those exercises in mental discipline really do help in real life. It had not hurt matters that Obi-Wan almost daily endured listening to her ramble about her hidden love. He never complained or interrupted or even seemed to be drifting off instead of listening.

“Alright then.” Qui-Gon stepped forward and hugged her as Obi-Wan had. The difference being that when Obi-Wan held Tanilea it did not make her feel near fainting. The slight pressure of his hands on her back, the very nearness of him made her heart race. “Happy birthday,” he whispered in her ear.

She knew her face was bright red when he pulled away, but somehow it bothered her less than it had before. As Master Lanar said, no feelings were wrong. “Thank you.”

“Now, birthday girl,” Lanar broke in, “it is time to continue your training.”

“Yes, Master,” Tanilea said. She hugged Obi-Wan again and said her good-byes quickly. It seemed that Qui-Gon’s gaze held hers a bit longer than usual, but she decided it had to be her imagination.

Lanar ushered the men out of the room. Always when guests left--thought they had few guests and those far between--the Jedi Master’s relief was almost a tangible thing. She was a private woman and appreciated solitude as much as company. Her vibrantly amethyst eyes turned to Tanilea. “And how do you feel?”

“Wonderful!”

“Wait until you get to be my age,” she joked. Her expression sobered. “Tani, do you remember when I cautioned you to be mindful of things around you?”

“Yes, Master.” She did indeed remember the lessons. They walked through Coruscant. At random intervals, Lanar would halt their progress to make Tanilea recite all that she had just seen. “I have done my best to be more mindful. Why, Master?”

The woman smiled and patted the couch in front of her, sitting herself as Tanilea joined her. “Because you must have been blind to everything around you during the party.” When all she received was a blank look of confusion, Lanar continued. “You truly noticed nothing?”

“No, Master. I . . . I noticed that it was fun,” she finished lamely, feeling inept and inadequate. Nine years of training and I still can’t manage to use my training as I should!

Lanar placed a comforting hand on her Padawan’s shoulder. “I didn’t mean to upset you, Tani. I was . . . joking partly. Though I think you should have noticed.” A small smile fought past her solemn expression. “He has grown quite fond of you lately. More and more he sees you as a woman.” Tanilea must have looked as stunned as she felt because Lanar’s smile turned to a grin. “Sometimes it is hard to see a change when you want it to happen, isn’t it? More obvious are things we don’t wish to change. They seem always to shift in our grasp. And now how do you feel, Padawan?”

Tanilea swallowed. Her mind reeled, but she somehow reigned in her thoughts for a moment. “I . . . I don’t know, Master.”

“You do.”

The Padawan looked into Lanar’s eyes and then down. “I do. I feel as if I could fly,” she finally decided with a smile. “I feel like singing. Master, you’re sure?”

“Have I ever given you reason to doubt my word?”

Tanilea flinched as though the words were a physical assault. How could I question Master Lanar’s honesty? “Of course not, Master! I meant only that you might be mistaken-”

“No. I am not mistaken. His feelings were quite clear to anyone bold enough to look. And being bold has never been a problem for me, Padawan.” She leaned in closer, taking Tanilea’s hand. “Qui-Gon does not hide his feelings, perhaps because he does not yet see them as you were first blind to your love." The Jedi Master inclined her head, studying the girl--woman. “You need rest. It has been a long day.”

Outside their floor-to-ceiling windows, Tanilea saw that night was indeed falling. The pleasant sunlight had been replaced by the artificial glow of the city lights. “Yes, Master.”

Lanar embraced her Padawan briefly before walking away to prepare herself for sleep. “Happy birthday, Tani.”

Things haven't been the same
Since you came into my life.
You found a way to touch my soul
And I'm never, ever, ever gonna let it go.
~Madonna “Secret”

Tanilea carefully gathered her Jedi robes and clothes from the places around the room where she had discarded them that morning. After she and Lanar spent the entire night meditating, the Padawan had wanting nothing except a shower and sleep. Now that she had showered, her objective had switched to getting a few hours rest as her Master was doing. But first she had to clear her clothes from the bed. She tugged the strap of her pale blue nightgown into place again and grabbed one of her boots. Why didn’t I put these in the chair instead of on the bed?

In the back of her mind, she realized the environmental controls had been turned down. Again. Master Lanar loves the cold. The Jedi had been born on a world with a frigid climate, she told Tanilea when the girl asked about the constantly chilly conditions. She shivered in the thin silky nightgown and hurried to finish clearing the bed. There. Finally. Before she could throw herself down and fall asleep, the door chimed.

Tanilea groaned but went to answer the door. It isn’t their fault I’m tired. The door to Lanar’s room was still closed when she entered the living room, so the Padawan was glad she had responded to the signal. She keyed the lock and the door slid open. “Master Jinn,” she fairly gasped, suddenly wishing she had put her robe on. “Uh, won’t you come in? Master Lanar is sleeping. We just got in a few minutes ago.”

After stepping inside, he paused as if getting his bearings. “I-is this a bad time?”

Tanilea considered. She had never seen Master Jinn do anything at all without a purpose. If he’s here, he must have come to speak to Master Lanar about something. Briefly touching his mind with the Force, Tanilea realized he had no idea why he had come, not really. Why is he here? Why now? “No. No, it isn’t.” She started towards him, realizing a moment too late that the table had been moved the night before and promptly tripping over a table leg. The clothes and boots fell to the floor, every bit as scattered as they had previously been on her bed.

“Are you alright?” Qui-Gon took her arm, helping Tanilea to her feet. His blue eyes were full of concern.

“Yes. Fine.” She rubbed her leg gently. “It’ll be a nice bruise later, though.” Kneeling, Tanilea began gathering the clothes again.

Qui-Gon knelt as well, handing her a boot that had fallen just out of her reach. “Here.”

At that moment, Tanilea realized how close he was. Looking up, his face was only a foot or so from hers. So close... Her heart pounded despite all efforts to control it. Her cheeks burned. Something deep down whispered in her ear that it was time. The same voice that had assured her Obi-Wan would always be her best friend. I trusted it then. Moving faster than her brain could think, Tanilea put her hand on the back of Qui-Gon’s neck, pulling him closer as she leaned forward. The moment their lips met was everything she had imagined. It felt as though pure energy radiated from the point of contact. After a moment, she realized that she was sensing his thoughts with greater clarity than ever before. She felt his desire to pull away, to keep himself from doing something that they shouldn’t. No. I want this. I have wanted this for a long time.

When the kiss did end, it was because they both wanted it to. Tanilea her hand from behind his head, taking his hand instead. “I love you. I have for quite awhile. For years.”

Qui-Gon took her other hand and kissed it gently. “I haven’t felt this way about anyone for a long time. When I first realized how much I care for you, I thought it best not to say anything because-”

“Because it seemed inappropriate. But it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. This is right. It is meant to happen. We are meant to be together.”

“You’re always so certain. No doubts?” he asked softly.

Tanilea shook her head. “None.”

“I love you, Tani.”

Words seemed wholey inadequate to convey how her heart sang, how light her mood was, how . . . perfect the world suddenly was. Instead, she kissed him again, at the same time collapsing any walls she had held around her mind. Until that moment, Tanilea had not realized how much energy was devoted to keeping her feelings in . . . and to keeping others out. But now there were no secrets.

I can hear her heartbeat from a thousand miles
And the heavens open up every time she smiles.
...And I need her in the daytime
And I need her in the night.
~Aaron Neville “Crazy Love”

As the Padawan walked down the hall, he reflected absently that it didn’t seem anything like three years since Tanilea and Qui-Gon had first started seeing each other. But it has been. Obi-Wan shook his head and smiled. They were so happy together it was almost funny. The Council had at first worried that their relationship was inappropriate, but Tanilea and Qui-Gon had both proved beyond a doubt that the relationship had not affected either her training or his teaching. If anything, Tanilea seemed more focused than before. And Qui-Gon was certainly a happier, more pleasant person to be around, not that the Padawan had found his teaching lacking before.

Without thinking, Obi-Wan walked into the quarters he shared with Qui-Gon and suddenly wished he had remembered to knock. “Um, sorry.” No matter how many times he saw it, the sight of his Master and Tanilea always caught him off-guard.

Tanilea pulled away from Qui-Gon and smiled at her friend. “Don’t worry about it. Gotta get a ‘do not disturb’ sign for that door . . . But that’s later. There are far more interesting things to discuss now. We’re celebrating. Guess why!” She seemed to glow with excitement.

“Why?” he asked, aware that it was usually best not to guess.

“The Council has decreed that I am ready to take the trials!”

Obi-Wan’s jaw dropped. “Already?”

She poked his chest with her finger and chided, “Don’t look so shocked, Obi. I, for one, have been working hard. Master Lanar told me about the decision this morning!”

Pushing his shock aside, Obi-Wan hugged Tanilea. “Congratulations!” He could feel her happiness, how proud Qui-Gon was. Their good humor was highly infectious. “I can’t believe you beat me!”

“That what happens when you pay attention to your Master,” Tanilea teased.

He feigned offense. “I do too pay attention!”

Qui-Gon gently pulled Tanilea close and smiled at his Padawan. “Of course you do.”

“When do you take them?” Obi-Wan asked, sitting down on the nearest chair.

“In a couple of days.”

“Nervous?”

Tanilea grinned. “Me? Nervous?” The smile faded a little. “Yeah, maybe. Maybe a lot. But I know I’m ready. The Council wouldn’t let me take the trials if I wasn’t.”

“Right.”

“So there’s nothing to be worried about.”

“Right.”

“So why are my palms sweating?”

Relaxing took a great deal of concentration. Having Master Yoda staring at her didn’t help. Tanilea breathed in through her nose and out through her mouth. Focus. The physical portion of the test had not been as hard as the Padawan feared. She had dueled with Mace Windu, who she had trained with a couple of times when Master Lanar was ill. She knew his style and felt quite comfortable with him. The duel went well. It had lasted just under six hours. But as long as she kept herself in tune with the Force, it kept her limbs moving as swiftly as if she had just begun. And she had imagined the wind rushing past her. Focus.

“Tired, you are,” Yoda pointed out with amusement.

“Yes, Master.”

“Continue, you wish to?”

Tanilea nodded. “Yes, Master.”

He smiled. “Good.”

The two were alone in the large Council chambers, which suited Tanilea. The fewer minds present, the easier it would be to keep her own exhausted brain on the right track. “What do I see?”

The question was not what Tanilea had expected. Her first impulse was to say, “You see me.” But she didn’t. It was the wrong answer. Instead, she let the Force guide her. Tentatively, she reached into Master Yoda’s mind. It took a lot of restraint not to watch his thought patterns, to let them all flow by her. All but what he saw. “A planet . . . There are lots of trees. A swamp. Some sort of . . . of birds flying overhead. Screeching. You see another planet.”

“Name it.”

Again, she reached into his mind, sifting through the thoughts, carefully selecting the information. “Dagobah.” Her mind threatened to wander, but Tanilea anchored it with an effort. I have come to far too lose focus now. “The planet is Dagobah.”

“Yes. Now on other times let your mind center.”

She fought the urge to ask Master Yoda precisely what he meant. He would not ask it of me if it were not something I could figure out. Tanilea let her mind drift, then used the Force to clear it of thought. She bade the images come to her, hoping at the same time that it would work. Flashes of images, half-thoughts, ghosts of the future suddenly began flooding her mind. She pulled into herself a bit, forced her own thoughts to slow to a pace that she could handle.

“What see you?”

“I see . . . a strange man. I do not know him.”

“See his face, do you?”

“No. No, he wears long black robes. His face is concealed.”

“More must you tell.”

Tanilea fought to see more of the image, to see where the dark man stood. “It is . . . a dessert. Hot. Dry. There is sand everywhere. I see . . . Qui-Gon.” She corrected herself, “Master Jinn. He is fighting the dark man.” The image sharpened. She could see only the dark man’s back. But she could see Qui-Gon’s face and the confusion written there. “Something is wrong. The man . . . something about him is . . . is wrong, Master.”

“How wrong?”

“I . . . do not know. There is darkness within him where there should be light.” The image replayed, but would show no more than a few brief moments of the attack. “I see no more, Master.”

“Bring yourself back to the present moment.” It was not until he spoke that Tanilea realized how close the Jedi Master was.

When her eyes opened, he stood directly in front of her. “You are a Jedi Knight, Tanilea Jamelle.” Behind his obvious pride at her performance, Tanilea felt something, sensed something through her lingering connection with the Master. Something was not right. Something was very . . . wrong.

I’ve been in love with you for such a long, long time, baby,
I don’t expect nothin’ in return, just for you to have a little faith in me.
...All you gotta do is have a little faith in me.
~Jewel “Have a Little Faith in Me”

Lanar took Tanilea’s Padawan braid in her hand. “Do you remember when I first put this in your hair, Tani?” the woman asked.

With a smile, the former Padawan nodded. “Yes. I remember. On the ship on our way to Coruscant. You braided my hair and told me that when I became a Jedi Knight, you would remove it.”

“That’s right. And now you are. Tani, I am so proud of you! And I will miss you.”

Tanilea felt her heart constrict. “I will miss you too, Master.”

“No. Lanar. I am your Master no longer.” Taking the shiny pair of silver scissors in her hand, Lanar snipped off Tanilea’s Padawan braid at the roots.

The sudden change felt odd but somehow right. Tani patted the small bald patch behind her right ear. “I think I’m going to miss that,” she said with a sad laugh.

“You will soon be making one for your Padawan.” Lanar wound the long, thin braid into a coil and pressed it into Tanilea’s hand. “There. Keep this in memory of your training.”

Tanilea’s large blue eyes met Lanar’s. “I will never forget. Never.”

“I hope you are right, Tani.”

Tanilea tossed and turned, unable to shake the images from her mind. The dream kept coming. Ever since the vision during her trials the week before, the same dream plagued her. She tried time and again to make her sleep heavier, dreamless. She drank warm milk, tea, various herbal broths claiming to be the ultimate sleep aid. Taking a moment to center herself, Tanilea began using Jedi relaxation techniques to fall asleep.

And the dream came again.

She could see a man with dark skin . . . black. Red markings danced across it. Or maybe his skin was red and the markings black. Tanilea couldn’t be sure. She could see little else of him, save the odd, two-sided lightsaber he carried. Something felt wrong about him. Instead of the light she usually sensed from those with Force abilities, darkness poured from the man.

She knew what would happen next. She had seen it a dozen times. Sometimes more of the scene and sometimes less, but nothing ever changed.

Her view expanded to include Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan. The three were separated by some kind of forcefields. Obi-Wan looked anxious. The dark man paced like a caged animal, staring at Qui-Gon, who knelt with his eyes closed. She wanted to scream, to warn him. But in the dream, she had no voice because she was not truly present. Only watching.

Watching as the screen lifted. Watching as Qui-Gon and the dark man fought. Watching . . .

Watching the look of shock on Qui-Gon’s face as the dark man’s lightsaber plunged through his chest.

Hearing Obi-Wan’s scream. Tanilea wanted to cry. But she could only watch. And listen.

Thankfully, the dream ended there. Tanilea sat bolt upright in bed, her breath coming in ragged gasps, sweat beading her forehead. But the dream was over.

Beside her, Qui-Gon stirred. More often than not, she spent the night in his quarters. His eyes opened and he saw Tanilea sitting up, hugging her knees to her chest. “What is it? What’s wrong?” Love and concern colored his tone in equal parts, making the pain in Tanilea’s chest expand, filling her.

“The dream,” she gasped.

“What dream?”

Tanilea took a deep breath, letting the feeling of his hand on her bare back calm her. “For a few weeks now, I’ve been having the same dream over and over. I see your death.” She allowed a moment for comprehension. “I know the Council intends to send you and Obi-Wan to meet with the Trade Federation. I don’t know how I know, but . . . somehow the mission will lead to the events in my dream.” Tears spilled down her cheeks. “I know you have to go. You don’t have any choice. But-”

Qui-Gon’s arms wrapped around her, drawing her close. She laid her head on his chest and listened to his heartbeat. The image of the dark man stopping that heartbeat brough fresh tears. “Tani, try not to worry. As Master Yoda says, the future is always in motion. Something may change that prevents the events in your dream from occuring.”

“I know. But . . .” But what? But something inside says that he is wrong? That the dream is true? That soon you’ll be crying yourself to sleep alone in your bed? “I hope you’re right.”

He lay back down, taking her with him. “Try not to focus on it. I am here, now. Tomorrow you will go to the Temple and find yourself an apprentice.” His eyes twinkled. “And you will have one more thing to bait Obi-Wan with then.”

Tanilea laughed and held him tighter. “Only you could make me laugh after a dream like that.” And that’s why I love you, she sent.

I thought that I heard someone say now
There’s no time for running away now
Hey now! Hey now!
~Oasis “Hey Now”

Tanilea rummaged quickly through her bag, making sure for the hundredth time that she had left nothing behind. She didn’t want anything to mar the trip, especially not something as silly as forgetting a change of clothes.

“You’re only going for a few days,” Lanar reminded her former Padawan with a gentle laugh.

“I know, Ma-Lanar. I-I’m just nervous is all.”

“Of course you are. Just remember, even if you don’t find anyone, there is time. You’re young. Too young to be worried about finding a Padawan. Let the Force guide you.” She hugged Tanilea, then slipped a flat piece of metal into the Jedi Knight’s hand. “Here. I’m going to take a sabbatical, and you’ll be needing a place to stay. Take the apartment. We spent many happy times there. I hope that if you find a Padawan this time around, the two of you will share some as well.”

“Thank you,” Tanilea whispered. “For everything.”

Sensing the need for someone to fill the silence, Obi-Wan stepped forward to hug her as well. “You be careful. Those kids can be pretty rough.”

“Funny.” Her expression darkened. “You have to go?”

“Go? To meet with the Trade Alliance?” Obi-Wan nodded the affirmative. “I don’t think the Council or the people of Naboo would appreciate it if we skipped out on the meeting.”

“Be careful. Very careful. I have a bad feeling about this.”

Qui-Gon drew her close and smoothed her hair back from her face. “I promise all will be well.”

“Do you?” she challenged.

He smiled. “I do. I will be here waiting when you return from the Temple.” Seeing the doubt in her eyes, he kissed her, the kiss itself a promise. “I swear it.”

“I hate it when you do that.”

“What?”

Tanilea sighed and shook her head. “I have to believe you even when I don’t want to.” Not wanting to prolong the good-byes, she boarded the transport, calling behind her, “Watch after each other!” Please.

The moment Tanilea spotted the tall young woman dueling playfully with a fellow future Jedi, she knew the girl would be her Padawan. It was the same certainty that always preceded changes in her life. Something in the girl’s flowing movements and quiet joy told Tanilea she was a kindred spirit. “Hello!” she called out to the girl, who deactivated her practice lightsaber and turned to the new arrival.

She had eyes of pure silver and short black hair, save a long strand of unbraided midnight down her right shoulder. Her skin was white, save a few patches of pale blue. “Hi.”

“My name is Tanilea. I . . . I am looking for a Padawan.”

The girl’s eyes widened and she stepped closer to Tanilea, leaving her friend behind to choose another sparring partner. “Really?”

“Yes. What’s your name?”

“Livien O’A’bre. What about you?”

“My name is Tanilea Jamelle. How old are you, Livien?”

“Liv, please. I’m eleven. Well, almost twelve now.”

“It’s nice to meet you.” How should I ask this? How did Lanar ask me? Why can’t I just relax and do it? Don’t force it, Tani. Let it come on its own if it will. “I saw you practicing.”

Livien smiled and inclined her head. “I can tell you liked it. I love practicing. I can’t wait until I’m trained enough to have a real lightsaber! Of course, I guess I have to wait.”

With a broad smile, Tanilea commiserated, “I know how you feel. I like dueling myself. It is . . .” she searched in vain for the right word.

“Freedom.”

“Yes.” I knew she was the one! “Would like it if I were your Master?”

“I think so, yes.”

“Think hard. I . . . I want to be sure that I’m right for you. I know that you’re right for me, but if you don’t feel the same way, it won’t work. Search your feelings,” Tanilea urged the girl.

Livien paused, eyes half-closed. “I want to go with you. It’s right.”

“Your heart tells you that?”

“Yes. Yes, it does.”

Tanilea could sense relief and knew the young woman shared the feelings she herself had experienced on her first meeting with Lanar. They simply were meant for each other. “Come then. We’re going to Coruscant.”

Master Yoda smiled when Tanilea informed him of her decision via subspace. “Knew your choice I did.”

“I suspected. Livien is gathering her belongings. We will be back by tomorrow. The ship leaves in,” she glanced at the chronometer on the wall, “about an hour.” Wanting to ask the obvious but feeling silly, Tanilea hesitated.

“They are not back,” Yoda confirmed gravely.

Her heart constricted, the image of Qui-Gon’s death springing unbidden into her mind’s eye. “Any word?”

“No,” the diminutive Master replied. “No word. Fruitless have been all attempts at communication with the Trade Federation. Say Padawan Kenobi and Master Jinn arrived not, they do. Lying, they are.”

“Do you worry?”

“The will of the Force will be done.”

Tanilea nodded weakly. “Yes. Yes, of course. I will see you when I arrive tomorrow, Master.” The screen went blank at the touch of a button. Her gaze traveled the whole of the star map room. Qui-Gon told her once that the room was his favorite. It took little imagination to see why. The room’s ceiling was a large blue dome. Stars and planets were projected all around, information about each available with a simple touch. Tanilea leaned back in her chair, trying desperately to still her mind. Instead the room’s very calmness made her feel more restless. His presence touched her here.

Realizing that being in Qui-Gon’s favorite room would help nothing, Tanilea headed back to her temporary quarters, hoping against hope that night would not bring with it the dreams she had come to fear and expect. Tonight, she did not have the strength to fight them.

Baby, don’t you know I-I’ll be your man
As long as I’m living, by you I’ll stand.
Baby, don’t you know I-I’ll be your man
As long as I-as long as I am breathing.
~The Rembrandts “As Long as I am Breathing”

Only an hour after her arrival on Coruscant, Tanilea received word that Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan had returned, bringing with them a boy, Queen Amidala of Naboo and a strange alien named Jar Jar. Though they were scheduled to meet with the Council of Masters almost immediately, Tanilea told Livien they could finish their packing later and set off, Padawan at her side, to see the returning Jedi. Memories of the dream still haunted her, and Tanilea did not want to pass up any opportunity to see her friend and lover.

Spotting Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan down the hall, Tanilea put on a bit of speed, leaving Livien to keep pace, which the girl did easily. “Qui-Gon!” she called out.

He turned toward her, smiling. She sensed worry and strain behind the smile, but chose to ignore it. “I’ve missed you,” he murmured quietly as he pulled her close. “Much has happened.”

She embraced Obi-Wan as well, pleased to see that he seemed to be in one piece. “I was worried about you two.” Tanilea turned her attention to the young blond boy standing behind Qui-Gon. “And who is this?”

“My name is Anakin Skywalker.” He held out his hand politely. “Pleased to meet you . . .”

“Call me Tani.” She ushered Livien forward as well. “This is my Padawan, Livien. We’ve just gotten back ourselves.”

Obi and Qui-Gon introduced themselves to the quiet young girl, who said little more than “It’s nice to meet you.”

“You’re meeting with the Council?” Tanilea asked, more than curious about their purpose.

Qui-Gon nodded the affirmative. “I would like Anakin to be trained as a Jedi.”

Again Tanilea regarded the boy. He seemed to her a bit old to receive training. But she had never questioned Qui-Gon’s judgment before and saw no reason to disagree over the boy. Besides, she could feel the Force-power in his small frame. If he is this strong untrained, he would make a powerful Jedi. “Are you going in too, Anakin?”

“No. I’m waiting here.”

“Would you like us to wait with you?” Tanilea offered.

Anakin smiled. His innocent joy shone from the depth of his being. “That’d be wizard!”

The door of the Council chambers opened and Qui-Gon clasped Tanilea’s hand briefly before entering. The door hissed shut again, leaving the three alone. “Well, Anakin, where are you from?”

“I’m from Tatooine. It’s a long way from here,” the boy said solemnly. Obviously, talking about his home planet made him uncomfortable.

Livien spoke this time. “It’s hard, isn’t it? Leaving home to be a Jedi, I mean.”

Anakin responded immediately to her sympathetic words. “Boy, is it! But I wanna be a Jedi. I have dreams. I’m a Jedi and . . . well, I can make things better.”

“That’s what I want to do. That’s why I’m glad Master Jamelle chose me,” the girl replied happily.

“So you’re a Jedi Master too?” a wide-eyed Anakin asked Tanilea.

“A Jedi Knight. Just like Obi-Wan will be soon. He’s ready for the trials. Has been for a long time now in my opinion.”

“Obi-Wan is nice,” Anakin agreed. “He’s brave too!”

“Brave?” Something felt wrong . . . Wrong. Just like after the trials when I sensed Master Yoda’s worry.

“Yeah. When that guy attacked us on Tatooine, Obi-Wan would have fought him, but Master Qui-Gon said to take the ship and leave. He didn’t, of course. Flew off a little way, then came right back for Master Qui-Gon.”

“Who attacked you, Anakin? It’s important for you to tell me what he looked like.”

The boy stopped to think. “Well . . . it all happened kinda fast. But he had a black and red face. Wore long black robes—sort of like Jedi robes. That’s really all I saw.”

“Th-thank you, Anakin. It’s enough.” Tanilea’s pulse raced. There was no mistaking that it was the man from her dream. And he was out there. And certainly angry with Qui-Gon for fleeing their duel. She felt weak in the knees, but tried to remain pleasant. No sense upsetting them.

It was not until later that evening that Tanilea and Qui-Gon were able to meet alone. “They won’t allow you to train him?”

Qui-Gon sighed heavily. “I cannot take another Padawan, and the Council does not yet feel that Obi-Wan is prepared for the trials.”

“But he is!” Tanilea protested. “He has been training longer than I had been.”

“I know. But I cannot change the Council’s decree. Anakin will simply have to learn from observation.”

The pain of defeat hung on Qui-Gon, making Tanilea reluctant to remind him of her dream. She knew he intended to return to Naboo with Queen Amidala shortly to help her win back control of her planet. “Qui-Gon, I . . . Anakin told me about the duel on Tatooine.”

Piercing blue eyes turned suddenly to her. “He told you about the man?”

“Yes.” She hated bringing up the subject. Intellectually, she knew there was no way of convincing Qui-Gon to stay. She felt glad that Anakin and Livien were with Obi-Wan in his quarters. It was easier talking without an audience.

“And you thought of the dream.”

“Yes.”

Qui-Gon put his arm around Tanilea in an attempt to comfort her. “I would love to tell you that your dream is wrong. That is something I cannot promise you.” He stroked her cheek, eyes holding hers. “I wish I could. I would love to spend every evening the rest of both our lives just like this. I hope we will. All I can promise is that I love you, that no matter what happens, I will never regret a moment I spent with you.”

She kissed him then, knowing it would be for the last time. Tanilea suffused the kiss with love and passion, with everything she knew she would begin missing the moment he stepped onto the transport to Naboo, the moment he left her quarters. “I love you. I always will.”

“And I you.” He glanced up at the wall chrono and then looked sadly back at Tanilea. “I have to go.”

“I know.” She forced a smile, doing her best to keep up a brave front. “I know.”

Her door hissed open and Obi-Wan stuck his head in. “Sorry to interrupt, but . . . we need to leave, Master.” Livien walked past him into the room and Anakin hovered in the background. “Wish us luck, Tani!” he said with mock cheer.

She quickly dashed over to hug her best friend. “Good luck, Obi. And . . . be careful.” Watch out for him for me. Tanilea felt him nod against her shoulder. Thank you, my friend.

On his way out of the room, Qui-Gon pressed his lips to Tanilea’s forehead. No words were necessary. They both knew that the will of the Force would be done. One way or another.

I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight.
~Sarah McLachlan “Angel”

Tanilea knew the moment Qui-Gon died. She could feel it not through the Force but through the bond of their love. She had been sparring with Livien, trying to keep her mind focused on other things, anything but the mission her lover and best friend had undertaken. The moment Qui-Gon was wounded, Tanilea fell to her knees with a gasp. Livien ran to her side. “Master? Are you alright? Master?”

“No. No, something is wrong,” Tanilea mumbled more to herself than to her Padawan. She allowed Livien to help her to a chair. Seconds later, Tanilea felt her heart being ripped from her chest.

“Master! What is it? What is happening?” Confusion flowed in waves from the girl, adding to Tanilea’s distress. “Please, Master, speak to me!”

Calm yourself, Padawan. She could not trust her voice to remain steady. I sense a disturbance in the Force. Even her mental voice wavered dangerously. She knew what had taken place. The images in her dream flooded in one after another, over and over, ending always in Qui-Gon’s death. And no amount of calming exercises could stop the tears. Livien helplessly put her arms around Tanilea and whispered soothing words. Thank you, Liv. Thank you.

When Tanilea had become a bit more centered, Livien asked quietly, “What has happened, Master?”

“Qui-Gon—-Master Jinn—-is dead. I felt it.”

Silver eyes widened with horror. “Perhaps you are mistaken! Perhaps he is merely injured.”

“No. I told you once of my dreams, Padawan. I know a dream may not always hold truth, but I know that these did . . . I could feel their truth from the beginning. Even-even when Qui-Gon told me not to worry about them, I did. The certainty of the dreams is the certainty that led me to you, Padawan. I know he is dead.” Now what? she thought hopelessly. What do I do? How do I go on without him?

Her Padawan obviously felt the sadness setting in. “Master Jamelle . . . should I get someone? Is there something I can do?”

“No. No, thank you, Liv. We should go to the Council. They should be told if they do not already know.”

When Tanilea and Livien entered the Council chambers, the Jedi Knight felt a mild shock at seeing a small holo of Obi-Wan standing before the Council. Quietly, she and her Padawan crossed to stand near Master Yoda.

“We will arrive on Coruscant later today.” Obi-Wan’s face was a mask. No sorrow. No anger. No emotion at all. Only his eyes revealed his pain, two twin pits of despair and anguish. And guilt.

“Sorry we are about Master Jinn’s loss,” Yoda said sincerely. From the expressions on their faces, it was obvious that the other Masters agreed with the sentiment completely. “Glad we are you survived, along with the boy.”

Obi-Wan gave a final shallow bow and ended the transmission. Tanilea released a breath she had held for an indefinite amount of time. The dream was right. With the breath left her final shred of hope. Livien clasped her hand gently, then squeezed it.

Master Yoda turned toward her. “Came to tell us, you did.”

“Yes, Master.”

“Felt his death through the Force, did you?”

“No, Master. I . . . I felt it in my heart as well.”

“A bond you shared.” Yoda seemed lost in thought for a moment. “Notify you when Jedi Kenobi arrives, we will.”

Tanilea bowed and exited the room with Livien in tow, knowing the notification would be not so that she could see her friend, but so that she could see the body of the man she loved.

Where does my heart beat now?
Where is the sound that only echoes through the night?
Where does my heart beat now?
I can’t live without-without feeling it inside.
Where do all the lonely hearts go?
~Celine Dion “Where Does My Heart Beat Now?”

Yoda sent a message to Tanilea as soon as the transport set down on Coruscant. Tanilea stared blankly at the datapad. “You need to go, Master,” Livien urged quietly. “You will regret it if you do not.”

The Jedi tousled her Padawan’s hair in attempt at levity. “You are right, Liv. You . . . should probably wait here.”

“Of course, Master. I will be here when you return.”

Knowing nothing could truly prepare her and that there was no way to delay the moment further, Tanilea left her quarters. At first she thought of going to the ship. But Obi-Wan and young Anakin were not who she wanted to see. She followed instead the path to the medical center. The morgue there was most certainly where they would take Qui-Gon’s body. Body. She bit her lip and refused to cry. No more tears. At least not for a few minutes. Center yourself, Tani. Thankfully, the Jedi passed few people on her way. Contact with other beings would not have made the trek easier.

Before she knew it, Tanilea stood before the door of the morgue, hand already pressing the code to open the glass plate. A harried-looking young Twi’lek was the only person within. “Can I help you?” she asked, obviously hoping the request would require little of her valuable time.

“Yes. Yes, you can. I . . . I have come to see the body of Master Qui-Gon Jinn.” It was all she could do to choke out the words past the lump in her throat.

“Of course,” was the only reply she received. “First door on the right. The funeral is tonight . . . uh, think they said 1900 hours. You’d have to check with . . .” she shuffled a few papers, “with Obi-Wan Kenobi to be sure.”

“Thank you.” Even in her own ears, the voice was wooden, flat. Almost against her will, Tanilea trudged toward the shiny silver door. Taking a deep breath to collect her scattered emotions, she opened the door. Tanilea felt almost relieved to see that the long white sheet covering his body was already folded down to the shoulders. Seeing his body completely covered might have proved more than she could take.

Though in her mind she knew the body was nothing more than an empty shell, a drained vessel, Tanilea could not convince her emotions of the same. Slow, tenuous steps eventually placed her at Qui-Gon’s side. Her hand traced the curve of his cheek. Cold. Pale. Lifeless. The tears came, but Tanilea had passed the point where she cared. One droplet fell on Qui-Gon’s shoulder and she brushed it away. It seemed strange how serene he looked, how perfectly arranged his hair on the metal table. None of it seemed real. Every moment since the morning training session seemed like some sort of twisted, horrible dream.

If only this were the dream. “If only I could wake up in your arms and have none of this be real . . .” But it was real. Quite real. She straightened again, looking one last time at the passive countenance of the fallen Master. “Good-bye, my love.”

She did not contact Obi-Wan that day. She ascertained the time of Qui-Gon’s funeral through a news-link. Tanilea could not find within her the strength to look into Obi-Wan’s eyes and see the same grief she knew was written in her own. Livien spent the day in her room, reading or studying by herself. Tanilea thanked the Force more than once that the Padawan already had such patience. Liv? Could you come out here for a moment? It was almost time.

“Master?” the girl asked, walking into the room with the grace and dignity Tanilea had come to anticipate.

“Do you wish to accompany me? I . . . I would not force you to do so. Still, your presence would be a comfort.”

She nodded quietly. “I will come, Master Jamelle.” Livien looked over at the nearest chrono. “We should probably leave now.”

“Yes. Yes, we should.”

The flames licked higher and higher, the wind twisting smoke and ash away into the night. Tanilea’s eyes burned from staring into the vibrant tones of the funeral pyre. Livien had not released her grip on her Master’s hand since they left their quarters. Having the Padawan with her had proved a blessing. The girl’s constant, comforting presence kept her rooted in the present moment. Tanilea’s gaze trailed from the fire to Obi and Anakin, who stood opposite them on the other side of the pyre. There were others there, of course: Queen Padme Amidala, Jar Jar Binks, Boss Nass, Chancellor Palpatine, Senator Bibble and the entire Council of Masters, not to mention several other Jedi and their apprentices, along with some of the Gungan soldiers. But it was Obi-Wan to whom her eyes wandered constantly.

Even through the smoke and fire, Tanilea could see the lines of care on his face. The boy she knew and loved was dead. The tired, sad young man who had taken his place was someone beyond Tanilea’s understanding, at least while she had her own wounds to tend. For the first time, he looked up and met her gaze. I’m sorry, Tani.

No. It was the will of the Force. You couldn’t have stopped it. She looked away, unable to face his pain or hear the sorrow etched so firmly even into his mental voice. The will of the Force, her mind scoffed. You don’t believe that, it continued. You are furious. You want- Tanilea stopped the line of thought there. In truth, she felt no anger, only pain and loss. All she wanted was to will herself to remain standing until the pyre had burned out, until the last traces of ash had blown from the ground. Then she would decide what to do. Only then.

Once upon a time, I was falling in love
Now I’m only falling apart.
Nothing I can say
It’s a total eclipse of the heart.
~Bonnie Tyler “Total Eclipse of the Heart”

“Master Yoda, I cannot stay here. I know that I must live with the past, must come to terms with it, but I cannot do that here. The memories are far too close.”

Looking before him at the Jedi Knight’s kneeling form, Yoda nodded. “It is as I thought. If go you must, I know a place.”

Relief flooded Tanilea. “Thank you, Master.” She knew the wounds on her heart could never heal—or even become scars—while she still spent her nights in a bed she had shared with Qui-Gon, still ate at the table where they shared their first meal together. The memories picked the scabs from her bleeding heart as soon as they formed. No healing can take place here. “Where should we go?”

“Already know, you do.”

Tanilea searched her mind. And then she realized it was not her mind she needed to search, but Master Yoda’s. “Dagobah.”

“Yes. To Dagobah will you go. Padawan O’A’bre can learn much of the Force there. And you can begin to heal.”

“Thank you.” She rose to leave, heart lighter than it had been in weeks.

“Tell Jedi Kenobi of your departure, will you?”

The thought stopped Tanilea dead in her tracks. Without turning, she replied, “I do not know, Master.” And she left the Council chamber.

It was the first time Tanilea had faced her friend since the funeral. She wondered if the change Obi-Wan’s blue eyes, the deadly seriousness, was still there.

The second the door hissed open, she knew it was. He looked too grave, so much older. “Hi.”

“Hello. Come in. Anakin is visiting with the queen.”

“Ah.” Tanilea stepped uneasily into his quarters. She forced her breathing to remain normal. Nothing had changed. Almost nothing. Now Anakin’s things were mingled in with the room’s meager amount of personal affects. But so much was the same. Tears sprang to her eyes, but she willed them away. “I didn’t realize Padme was still here.”

“She returned to see Anakin. They have become good friends.”

Friends. Yes. Here I stand unable to look at the man who has been my best friend for more than ten years! Stop being foolish, Tani. “Obi, I-I’m leaving. We are. I am taking Livien to Dagobah. Master Yoda suggested it. I . . . I can’t stay here any longer, Obi. You understand, don’t you?” Please say you do, she prayed silently.

His expression softened. “Yes. Of course I do. Do you think I feel any differently? Don’t you think it hurts every time I walk into this room? I sleep in his bed now. And I can still feel him here. Every moment of every day . . .” His words ended in a sob.

Without any form of conscious thought, Tanilea was holding him close, his head resting on her shoulder. The tears she had held back before now wet her face with their warmth. “I’m sorry, Obi. I didn’t mean to say it doesn’t hurt you.”

“I know,” he whispered, almost in her ear. “I know. And if I could leave . . . I feel I should train Anakin here as Master Qui-Gon would have. Just promise me you’ll come back.” He pulled away, holding onto her shoulders. “Promise me.”

“I promise, Obi. I will come back.”

He managed a pale imitation of a smile. “I’ll hold you to that, Tani. I’ll miss you.”

“I’ll miss you too.”

He hugged her fiercely, holding her as if for the last time. “Please don’t forget. I can’t stand to lose anyone else.”

Neither can I, she told him quietly through the Force.

Everyone here knows everyone here is thinking about somebody else
It’s best if we all keep it under our heads
I couldn’t tell if anyone here was feeling the way I do
But I’m lonely now, and I don’t know how
To get it back to good.
~Matchbox 20 “Back 2 Good”

Livien sat quietly in the cramped cockpit as Tanilea piloted their Y-wing into the thick mist shrouding Dagobah. She sensed her Master’s relief at having left Coruscant and did not want to antagonize her with any questions. It was a wonder that they were bonded at all with the stress Tanilea had been under since taking the girl as a Padawan.

Tanilea glanced sharply at Livien. She knew running away was unfair to her Padawan. Livien had no emotional baggage. And now she was without the benefit of having the Council of Masters nearby. “I’m sorry for taking you away from the Temple only to bring you here, Padawan.”

“Master, I only wish to be trained. If this is where you wish to train me, I am happy to stay here as long as you desire. You have suffered loss that I cannot understand. I-I wish to help you, but I do not know how.”

Setting the ship down on what looked to be a fairly stable patch of land, Tanilea took Livien’s hand. “Thank you. Having you here helps me greatly. I would not wish to be alone, yet . . . yet there are memories attached to all others I love. Training you is a new chapter in my life. Dagobah is our home now. I . . . we will return to Coruscant someday. I made a promise.”

“To your friend?”

“Yes. To my best friend. Sharing our grief proved more difficult than I imagined. I ran. But I do not intend to run forever.”

Livien shook her head firmly. “You are not running from your problems. Or from your past. You are creating distance. When one wants to see a painting clearly, they step back and look at it. You do the same.”

Tanilea laughed, a sound almost foreign to her ears. “I thought I was supposed to be the Master! Come, we must make shelter.”

“Yes, Master.” Together, they gathered their supplies and the compacted shelter Tanilea had brought. They set it up a bit farther back in the clearing with the ship underneath a large tree. “This planet is so alive!”

“Yes. Master Yoda was right; the Force is strong here.” The Jedi took a deep breath of the humid air, letting the cleansing moisture fill her lungs. “This planet is life. Liv, are you sure this is right for you? Training here, that is.”

“Yes, Master. It is right. In fact, I think training here is better.” She smiled. “I haven’t seen you so calm since the day I met you.”

“True. I feel better being here, away from everything.” A strange bird cried out in the distance. A hundred different species of insect buzzed happily in the faded daylight. All around them was life. And the Force knows I could use a little life. “I think things are going to work out just fine here.”

There’s a hole in my soul
That’s been killing me forever.
It’s a place where the garden never grows.
~Aerosmith “Hole in my Soul”

Tanilea watched Livien sleeping beside her and smiled. The girl’s training could not have been better. She had focus, determination, everything she needed to achieve her dream of becoming a Jedi. It certainly did not seem like five years since they had arrived on the planet. So much had changed. Where Coruscant’s bustling streets had once been home, Tanilea now wondered how she lived so long away from the pure energy that was nature. Dagobah presented a constant renewal of faith for the Jedi. “Time to get up.” Morning run time, Padawan.

Livien stretched her long limbs and yawned. Her hair was still cropped short, but her Padwan braid now fell well past her shoulders. The girl--young woman--had the look of a dancer: long legs, slender build and a natural grace in everything she did. “Good morning, Master Jamelle.”

“Morning. Ready to run?”

“Mmm-hmm.” She stood and exited the tent-like shelter along with Tanilea. Livien cherished the bond she now shared with her Master. They were more than Master and Padawan; they were friends. Always Livien’s quiet demeanor had prevented her from making many close friends. I like our morning runs.

“Lanar used to tell me that,” Tanilea returned. “I knew she was lying too.” With that, the Jedi set off into the forest at a dead run. Its thick population of trees allowed little visibility, making the Force a necessity to successfully navigate the lush landscape.

Livien soon caught up. “Master, I have a question.”

You may ask me anything, Padawan.

When will we return to Coruscant?

The question was one Tanilea had not anticipated. “I don’t know. When we are ready. Do you feel you need to return? Your training is more important than my discomfort.” Truth be told, Tanilea could feel the emptiness inside her lessening. There would always be a hole in her heart, but it was now something she could live with. She controlled her emotions, they did not control her.

“No.” The wet morning leaves were a carpet beneath their feet. A very slippery carpet. “I like it here. It feels like home. But we cannot stay away forever.”

“I think we will both know when the time is right, Padwan. The Force will tell us.”

Livien leapt cleanly over a fallen tree. “You are right.” A mischievous grin spread across her face. “Race you back to camp!”

“You’re on! But this time, we run the full way. No levitating over the stream,” Tanilea clarified.

The Padawan laughed and agreed, “Whatever you say, Master!”

I know you’re there beside me, just beyond my line of sight
Where the sun is always shining
On the other side of the night.
...Well I know you’re out there somewhere; only you can prove me right
Since you’re the one who crossed the boundary
To the other side of the night.
~The Rembrandts “Other Side of the Night”

Four more years passed as Master and apprentice thrived on the secluded planet. One night Tanilea went walking past the dimly-lit circle of the camp. Most of the local animals had long since learned that the camp was territory best left to its occupants. Tanilea and Livien left them alone and they returned the favor. Her Padawan had already fallen into a deep sleep. Normally Tanilea did the same, but tonight she felt restless. The forest called to her, and she knew better than to ignore her instincts. After almost thirty-three years of Jedi training, her instincts were, more often than not, right.

Wind caressed her cheeks and stirred her long, free hair. It’s a nice night. She missed seeing the stars at night. The mists of Dagobah sealed the sky from sight. Closing her eyes, Tanilea remembered the way the stars looked from the Jedi Temple and from the cockpit of a ship. Like a million tiny flash-bugs, she mused. “And why do you call me so tonight?” Tanilea laughed at herself. As if the forest will answer!

“I call you to warn you.”

For a moment, Tanilea froze, unable to turn and face the voice, afraid her own mind had supplied its deep resonance, the faint accent. When she turned, tears long buried warmed her face. “How can it be?”

The glowing apparition smiled and stepped closer. Through him, Tanilea saw the bushes rustle at the wind’s touch. “I heard you tell your Padawan that the Force would tell you when it was time to return to Coruscant. Well, perhaps the Force sent me.”

“Qui-Gon . . .” There were too many things she wanted to say. No words came.

“Yes, my love.” He raised his hand as though to touch her, then let it fall to his side again. “What I wouldn’t give to hold you again . . .” The Jedi Master shook his head. “But that isn’t why I’ve come. And I haven’t much time. Obi-Wan needs you. He may not know it yet, but he does. You must go to him.”

“Obi-Wan? Why would he need me?” It was easier to ask about him, easier not to focus on how much she missed Qui-Gon, how much it hurt seeing him and not being able to do more than talk to him.

“That I cannot say. You must return to Coruscant immediately.” He began to fade, already so pale that Tanilea’s eyes were strained almost to their limit to see his outline. “I love you, Tani.”

“And I love you! I miss you . . .” But the wind alone responded. She let the shock wash over her and move away. It was far more important to get to Coruscant. Tanilea fairly sprinted to the shelter. “Livien! Wake up! We must break camp. We’re going back to Coruscant.”

Through bleary eyes, the Padawan stared at the other woman for the space of a heartbeat. She wondered at the urgency in Tanilea’s voice. But it was time. She too could feel the driving desire to leave. “Yes, Master. We leave.”

I used to be fearful of the voice inside my head
And all the foolish things it said.
Oh, tell me you’ll be there, it’ll be just like old times.
~The Rembrandts “April 29”

Tanilea had kept the apartment on Coruscant. It was difficult to find a dwelling in the city, let alone a nice, centrally located property. And Master Lanar had given it to her. If nothing else, she kept it for Lanar. But if she does return . . . if she had returned, it will be to train another Padawan. Looking back, it certainly did not feel as though nearly ten years had passed since she last set foot on the planet. She looked out the window with an odd mixture of hope and anxiety as the transport landed. The Jedi Knight had sent word to the Council of Masters notifying them of her return.

Livien touched her Master’s shoulder as she headed toward the exit. “They’re here,” she whispered.

Tanilea grinned. “I know. I knew they would come.” As she spoke the words, Tanilea realized she had indeed known that Obi-Wan and Anakin would be waiting when they arrived. I wonder what it will be like to see him again. Together, Master and Padawan exited the transport. Tanilea relished the feeling of the sun beating down on her face.

“Hello, stranger!” a familiar voice called out.

Despite the fact that she was prepared for Obi-Wan to look different, her jaw dropped when she saw the Jedi heading toward her. His hair was longer, long enough for cinnamon-colored locks to fall into his eyes. And he looked happy again, a boyish grin taking years off of his face. He looked more like the Obi-Wan she grew up with than the young man Tanilea had left behind so long ago. “Obi!”

He accepted her embrace, holding her close as he had the day she left for Dagobah. “It’s been too long, Tani. It’s good to have you back.” Obi-Wan stepped away and looked toward Livien. “And you! Certainly not the skinny little girl she took with her.”

It was then that Tanilea turned her attention to the tall, muscular young man standing just behind Obi-Wan. “Anakin?” she asked incredulously.

An easy smile brightened his face. “That’s right, Master Jamelle. It’s been a long time.”

He towered over all of them, and Tanilea knew Anakin still had growing to do before he reached his full height. “Speaking of changes . . . Anakin, I can hardly believe it’s you!”

“I’ll take that as a compliment,” he replied lightly.

“It was intended as one.”

Anakin shook Livien’s hand warmly. “I remember you too. Arrived on Coruscant the same day I did.”

“Yes,” the Padawan confirmed. “And I remember you. Of course, you were about a foot shorter than me then.”

“I grew,” he replied with a shrug.

Satisfied that the two could entertain each other, Obi-Wan took Tanilea’s arm and began leading her away, obviously intending their Padawans to follow. “You know, your timing is atrocious.”

A line appeared between Tanilea’s eyebrows. “Why is that?”

“Because we leave for Naboo tomorrow. It’s Anakin’s birthday present. He’s almost nineteen, you know. We decided that going to visit Padme would be the way to celebrate.”

Tanilea could feel Anakin’s excitement and wondered just how the affection between the two had developed in her absence. “That should be nice. And I guess my timing is a bit off. It happens when you spend nine years worrying about no plans but your own. Besides, I . . . well, returning wasn’t planned.”

He grinned. “Excuses, excuses. So, will you?”

“Will I what?”

Obi-Wan feigned exasperation. “Come with us, of course!”

“Oh!” What do you say, Liv? Want to take another trip?

“It sounds like fun, Master.” Besides, I’ve never seen Naboo.

Tanilea fought down a wave of anxiety, hoping desperately that she had stilled the turbulent emotions before they spilled over to anyone else. She knew from the worried glance the other Jedi Knight sent her that she had failed. “Well, it looks like we’re coming with you, Obi.” Carefully modulating her voice to sound pleasant, Tanilea continued, “I hear Theed is a lovely city.”

“It is,” Obi-Wan confirmed, following her lead. “Beautiful this time of year. I really do think you’ll like it if you give it a chance, Tani. I would never take you otherwise.”

She gave his arm an affectionate squeeze. “Thank you, Obi. I’m sure I’ll love it.”

“So, you weren’t planning on returning?” Obi-Wan asked cautiously as the two walked through the bustling streets of Coruscant that night. He sounded more sad than reproachful.

Tanilea watched her booted feet as she strolled at his side. “No, I . . . I always planned to return. But I didn’t know when. Last night . . .”

“What?” he urged.

“Last night I . . . I saw Qui-Gon, I spoke with him.” Obi-Wan’s dead silence prompted her to glance sideways. Though his face remained passive, Tanilea sensed his confusion. “I know it sounds odd, but I did. He told me that I should return to Coruscant, that you needed me.”

Her friend looked up, seeming no less puzzled than before. “Needed you?”

“Yes. He said you didn’t know that you needed me, but you do.” Tanilea laughed at how odd the words sounded out loud. “Well, I suppose you could always call the nice psychiatric advisors to come have a look at me. Though I’m probably too far gone for treatment.”

A gentle hand on Tanilea’s shoulder reassured her. “I don’t think you’re crazy, Tani. I . . . I just don’t know exactly what to say. It’s been so long since . . . since everything and now here you are. And you say you’ve seen Qui-Gon. There are,” his voice faltered, then grew stronger, “there are just so many things I haven’t thought about for so long all rushing back to me at once. I guess I expected this to be hard, but that doesn’t make it easier.”

Tanilea wrapped her arm around Obi-Wan’s waist, and for the first time since she arrived, it felt completely natural being with him again. Almost like when we were kids. “I feel it too. Still, you’ve got to admit it isn’t all bad having me around again.”

A small smile brightened the Jedi Knight’s face. “Not all bad. In fact, it’s kind of nice having someone a bit shorter around . . .” He broke into a dead run, weaving in and out of pedestrians easily.

I’m going to get you for that, Obi! With a laugh more mirthful than any she remembered in recent times, Tanilea gave chase.

Everyone has to face down the demons.
Maybe today
You can put the past away.
~Third Eye Blind “Jumper”

Tanilea looked at the entourage surrounding Naboo’s beautiful young ruler. In addition to her handmaidens, several guards and Captain Panaka, who the Jedi recognized from several holo broadcasts, stayed close by her side. Amidala herself seemed oblivious to their hawk-like gazes. All of her attention was focused on the young man striding toward her. “Ani!” she cried happily, hugging him around the waist when he got close enough. He returned the embrace, holding her tight against his chest. “Don’t ever stay away so long again,” she chided gently as they seperated. Her blinding smile then turned to Obi-Wan, who she hugged as well. “It’s very nice to see you again. You’re well?”

“Very.” Obi-Wan waved a hand at Tanilea and Livien, who lingered a few paces back. “And here is the extra company I promised.”

Every movement speaking of excellent breeding and exceptional grace, Amidala held out her hand first to Tanilea. “Tanilea Jamelle, I presume. I have heard much of you from Obi-Wan.” She then took Livien’s hand. “And Livien O’A’bre. Anakin spoke of you. I hope you’ll both enjoy your stay here. Please feel free to let me know if there is anything at all I can do for you.”

Tanilea bowed slightly and smiled at the young woman. “Thank you, your highness. We’ll keep that in mind.”

“Good!” Amidala replied. She wore far less make-up than usual and seemed to truly enjoy the added freedom of a bare face, besides the less-formal red velvet robes. “Is anyone else hungry? There’s some delicious-looking food waiting for us in the dining hall. Jar Jar Binks said that he’ll be joining us as well. But he has a meeting that should be ending...” Amidala looked at the nearest chrono hanging on the wall, “about now, actually. So he shouldn’t be very late.”

Tanilea felt out of place in the opulent grandeur of the queen’s palace. The expansive architecture and spiralling pillars made her feel even shorter than her five feet and three inches. She unconciously drifted closer to Obi-Wan. He reached out and took her hand, smiling brightly. Thanks, Obi. I needed that. Livien stayed close at her side as well, looking no more comfortable than her Master, though her natural dancer’s grace made her seem a part of the lavish setting almost at once.

Amidala and Anakin walked ahead, talking quietly to each other. Tanilea could feel the affection they shared, an affection she knew could easily blossom into love. Shaking off a sudden chill, Tani squeezed Obi-Wan’s hand. Having him at her side was comforting. It had been a long time since she had spent time in civilized society and now she was having lunch with a queen. Life sure is wierd sometimes.

When the group entered the dining hall, they were greeted by a tall, gangly being with salmon-colored skin and floppy ears. Amidala grinned at the creature. “Jar Jar! How did the meeting go?”

“It was a gran meetin’!” Jar Jar replied with a smile. “Whosa these?” he asked, gesturing to Tanilea and Livien.

Tanilea stepped forward and offered her hand. “My name is Tanilea Jamelle. This is my Padawan, Livien O’A’bre. It is a pleasure to meet you, Ambasador Binks.” The Jedi knew now why Obi-Wan had warned her that Jar Jar was no ordinary ambassador. She found herself instantly liking the smiling gungan. “It’s nice to meet you.”

With all polite introductions out of the way, the entire group--handmaidens, Panaka and the guards included--sat down to what truly was a delicious-looking meal. Tanilea caught Obi-Wan’s eye as the sat opposite each other. You see? he sent. It’s a lovely planet. I told you you’d like it.

I do. The Jedi Knight took a large spoonful of the hot soup in front of her. And . . . I think I needed to come here.

Yes. I remember the first time I came here after . . . It hurt a lot, but it helped me to realize that the past is past.

And we cannot let it rule our futures.

She was rewarded with a grin from her friend. So you did listen to Master Lanar sometimes.

You know, Obi, if we weren’t in such lovely company, I would reach across the table and strangle you right now.

Use the Force, Tani! he challenged playfully.

On the verge of seriously considering the offer, Tanilea shook her head. Don’t tempt me.

A mischievous twinkle lit his blue-green eyes. But then what would I do for fun?

The best thing you’ve ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously; it’s only life after all.
~Indigo Girls “Closer to Fine”

The final day of their stay on Naboo, Obi-Wan and Tanilea went walking together through the city’s blessedly uncrowded streets. After her brief re-emergence into Coruscant’s overcrowded urban lifestyle, Naboo’s charming, almost quaint architecture calmed her frayed nerves. She looked out across the still water of one of Theed’s many naturally-flowing bodies of water. Sunlight made flashing silver highlights across it’s gently rippling surface, a most hypnotic display.

“You seem distracted,” Obi-Wan observed.

“Hmm?” Tanilea’s snapped out of her reverie. “Yes, yes, I am a bit. Sorry. I’m still not used to being around anyone but Livien.” Thinking of her Padawan, she smiled. “She and Amidala hit it off quickly, didn’t they?”

“Yes. The queen is very easy to get along with, though. A natural ruler. Maybe that’s what draws Anakin so.”

“Or maybe it’s her eyes,” Tanilea added with a laugh. “His interest is certainly more than that of someone merely appreciate of her diplomatic skills. You haven’t forgotten so easily what it’s like to be young, have you, Obi?”

“Perish the thought! I’ve known for some time now that Ani loves her. Dearly. I’ve only seen such devotion once before.” His gaze held Tanilea’s for a moment and they each let the moment sink in fully before he continued, “Besides, I never forget anything.”

“Of course not,” Tanilea agreed mockingly. Her gaze drifted again to the crystal water, remembering how long it had been since she last went swimming. The swamps of Dagobah had been less-than-appealing in that capacity.

Obi-Wan looked at his friend, then back at the water. “I have an idea.”

“Do you?”

“Mmm-hmm. We’re going swimming.”

Shock registered on Tanilea’s face, then confusion. “Here? In the middle of the city?”

“Yes. Here. In the middle of the city.”

“Uh-uh. Not me!” Tanilea shook her head and stuck out her chin resolutely. “You can swim all you like. I’ll watch.”

“It’s not like I’m suggesting we go skinny-dipping, you know.” As he spoke, Obi-Wan pulled off his Jedi robes and removed his belt. Though a few passers-by gave him strange looks, no one seemed inclined to try to stop him from stripping in the middle of the street. Next came the tunic, leaving him naked from the waist up. “See? Still decent. Of course, I suppose you’ll have to wear your tunic.”

“I said I’m not-”

Obi-Wan raised an eyebrow. “Scared?” he mocked her.

“Obi-Wan Kenobi, I should-”

“You will swim?”

Grumbling, Tanilea shed her robes as well. “Against my better judgement.” She removed her belt, but tucked the ends of her tunic into her loose pants. “I have no intention of giving half the city of Theed a free peep show.”

Obi-Wan smirked. “Killjoy.” With that, the Jedi Knight leapt gracefully into the air and landed in the water with a perfect swan dive.

Show off! Naturally, Tanilea followed suit. The water was pleasantly warm after a day of cloudless sun. She dove deep into the lake before surfacing. Obi-Wan grinned at her from a few feet away. “Happy now?”

“Yes. Very. Know why?”

Using the Force, Tanilea drenched Obi-Wan with a small wave and laughed. “Why?”

“Because,” he replied, wiping water from his eyes, “you’re happy.”

For the next hour, the two alternately chased each other around the lake and had water fights. Tanilea told herself several times to stop acting like a child and climb out, but she was enjoying herself more than she had for some time. Nothing wrong with acting like a six-year-old every now and then, she finally decided. After awhile, however, Tanilea realized that her pale skin had taken on a slight pink glow. “Uh-oh. I’m being forced to retire from battle, Obi. Sunburn.”

He nodded and swam for the side along with her. Together they climbed out of the water, happy and dripping. “That does look like it’s going to be pretty nasty.”

Tanilea cringed as she pulled her robes back on. The course material did nothing to soothe her stinging skin. “It already is.” She called the Force to her, then quietly began accepting the pain. Once she returned to her temporary quarters, she would begin healing the minor burn. Suddenly she noticed that a tall stranger stood calmly watching the two Jedi Knights carefully regrouping. “Can I help you?”

The man’s large grown eyes grew wide. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to intrude, but . . . Queen Amidala asked me to come and ask you to dinner. It should be ready soon, and she couldn’t find you.” He ran a hand through his short dark hair and tried to look more composed. “My name is Alex. Alex Gerraint. I’m one of Queen Amidala’s advisors.”

A look of sudden recognition lit Obi-Wan’s face. “Oh, yes! I believe we met the last time my Padawan and I visited. It is nice to see you again, Alex.”

“Yes, the same to you, Jedi Kenobi. And it is nice to meet you as well, Jedi Jamelle.”

Something about his deep, lilting voice made Tanilea feel weak in the knees. She quickly calmed herself. “Tanilea, please. No sense in being so formal.”

He smiled at her, a smile full of natural charm. “Of course.”

It suddenly seemed a great injustice that their transport left the next day. Stop acting silly. You’re just hyper. That’s all. But the feeling in the pit of her stomach when she looked into Alex’s eyes belied the protest. She felt Obi-Wan’s gaze boring a hole in the side of her head and looked over at her friend. No doubt he had felt the suddenly-turbulent emotions within her. But something in the familiar eyes bothered her. If Tanilea hadn’t known better, she would have written it off as . . . Jealousy? The idea was ridiculous. He had a crush on me when we were kids. That’s all. Again, Tanilea feared she was lying to herself.

Alex began leading the way back to the palace as soon as Obi-Wan finished pulling his robes on. “The Queen is sorry that you must go so soon.”

“Two weeks is quite a bit to spare lately,” Obi-Wan replied apologetically. “I am afraid that the Council has been quite busy with several impending . . . difficulties. I know little more than that. I merely hope they do not increase in importance.”

Tanilea listened intently. She had heard of no such “difficulties”. What is going on?

Alex, on the other hand, nodded knowingly. “Yes, we have heard rumors that certain parties were becoming less-than-accommodating.”

Certain parties? What is with the code talk? Tanilea wondered in frustration. She sent to her friend, Obi, you are going to have some serious explaining to do. Later. Realizing there was nothing more she could to do improve her situation, Tanilea simply relaxed and listened to the two men talking vaguely about unknown political intrigue.

I am looking for someone who can take as much as I can give,
Give back as much as I need
And still have the will to live.
~Indigo Girls “Blood and Fire”

“Master,” Livien asked as they packed their belongings once again later that night, “who is the man you keep thinking about? You’re thinking quite loudly.”

Tanilea looked up in surprise, duly noting the amusement in the younger woman’s voice. “Am I?” All these years of training, and I can’t even keep my hormones under control enough to hide them from my Padawan. When will you learn to keep your urges to yourself, Tani? “I’m sorry, Liv. I suppose I am a tad more distracted than usual.”

Livien sat down, leaving her suitcase be on the bed. “Tell me. You always say that it helps to talk about things when they trouble you. So tell me.”

“Well, when you put it that way . . .” Tanilea sat down beside her Padawan and studied the girl. “I don’t suppose I’m troubled exactly. But I am . . . I am experiencing feelings that I have not had for a very long time. The two of us have been away from other people for so long, and guess I never thought about how much I had forgotten about dealing with people in all that time. To make a long story short, I have a little crush one of Queen Amidala’s advisors.”

“Really?” Livien asked, near laughing. “That’s wonderful! Which one?”

“Alex Gerraint.”

“With the dark hair?”

The Jedi nodded. “Yes, that’s the one.”

Livien seemed satisfied by the answer and nodded her approval. “He’s very handsome. Master, why is that I still sense worry from you? You say you are not troubled-”

“But perhaps I am.” Rising, Tanilea looked out their window over the sparkling water across the courtyard. “I think I’m nervous, actually. One of the few disadvantages to being raised a Jedi is that you know very little of the world outside the Temple. And even once you leave the Temple, you are with your Master. There is little time for the kinds of socializing most people do. Including dating. I thank the Force that I met Qui-Gon as I did. I found love without having to search for it. The prospect of doing so now does, I admit, frighten me. I don’t honestly know how to handle myself.”

“You will have to learn, then,” her Padawan replied resolutely. “If you like him and he likes you, that should be the end of it.”

“Maybe you’re right.” Tanilea recommenced packing. “I wish I had your certainty.”

“The will of the Force will be done.”

I just wish I knew what the Force has in store for me.

Obi-Wan stopped by Tanilea and Livien’s quarters roughly an hour before their transport was slated to depart Naboo. “Ready to go?” he asked pleasantly.

“What were you talking about yesterday?” Tanilea demanded.

“Yesterday?”

“With Alex.”

“Oh!” The Jedi Knight understood but said only, “I’m not entirely sure yet. I was fishing for information, actually. He doesn’t know anything more than I do.”

“And what is that?”

Obi-Wan sighed, obviously wishing they could discuss more pleasant topics. “I know that the council believes that there is something looming on the horizon. Certainly the fact that we still have discovered no more about he Sith who killed Master Qui-Gon says much.” Tanilea wondered as he continued how long it had been since he gained the ability to mention his Master’s passing without flinching. She still could not. “I doubt that the upcoming conflict relates to the Sith, however. Though I can’t honestly say I know what it does relate to. I suppose only time will tell that.”

“I suppose you’re right.” She regarded him silently for a moment. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Well, I told you what I know. Now, what is it that preoccupies you so?”

Tanilea laughed and shook her head. “You and Livien are both far too nosy.”

“Yes. Of course. So?”

“You never were good at taking no for an answer. Fine. Though I think there is little need to say so, I have... feelings for Alex.”

He grinned, suppressing laughter. A more serious thought entered his field of mental vision, “What feelings?”

“Oh, nothing earth-shattering. I’m fond of him. Attracted to him. Nothing more. I see that now. I thought at first that it might be, but it isn’t. I did a bit of soul-searching last night. I think that I just needed to see that I could still feel those feelings.” She toyed absently with the bracelet on her wrist, the same bracelet Obi-Wan had given her years ago. “I thought for a very long time that when Qui-Gon died . . . I thought that that part of me died with him. I never really considered falling in love again. Or even in lust. So it felt good wanting someone again.” Smiling blue eyes lifted. “Happy now?”

“Very.”

Something in her friend’s tone made Tanilea wonder exactly what was running through Obi-Wan’s head. Something in the back of her mind begged for attention, recognizing something in his gaze, but Tanilea shrugged the feeling off. Nothing is different. Things between us are as they always were. Stop being silly, Tani. But the voice in her mind refused to remain wholly silent. I just hope I’m right.

What will it take to make you want me?
What will it take to make you mine?
What will it take to make you love me for all time?
~The Rembrandts “What Will it Take”

On the trip home, Anakin was quieter than usual, almost sullen. Obi-Wan watched him carefully, as though worried. He finally came to sit in the back of the ship beside Tanilea. Her friend was careful to keep his voice soft enough that Anakin could not hear his words. Livien sat beside the Padawan. Every so often, she would try to start a conversation, but Anakin’s answers rarely consisted of more than a word or two. “He misses her already,” Obi-Wan whispered.

“I can tell. They care so much for each other. It must be painful for them to be separated,” Tanilea offered.

“Yes. Still... Something has changed in him these past months. And there is a part of his mind that I cannot touch. In fact, it’s almost as if there’s an... an electrified fence around it.”

“Is that really so strange? There were certainly things that I didn’t want Master Lanar to know. I had my own little private corner.”

“As did I. But I could never have concealed so much from Qui-Gon, not such a large part of my mind. Our bond prevented it. It makes me wonder whether my bond with Anakin is as it should be. I’m his Master. More than that, we were friends. Good friends. Sometimes he still speaks to me as he used to and shares his thoughts, but those times are few and far between lately.”

“Perhaps it’s nothing. He might just be uncomfortable talking about his feelings. Especially his love for Amidala. He isn’t used to it himself yet, probably.”

Obi-Wan squeezed her hand in thanks. “You’re right, I’m sure. Still, something in his eyes . . . but I’m probably just paranoid. I just worry that I won’t be good enough to train him as he should be trained. As Qui-Gon would have wanted him trained.”

“You’re doing your best, just like Qui-Gon did for you. That’s all that anyone could ever expect. Anakin knows that you care for him, and he’ll turn to you if he needs help as a friend or a Jedi.”

His eyes rested on his Padawan making stilted conversation with Livien and frowned. “I hope so.”

Upon their return to Coruscant, the Jedi Council summoned Tanilea and Livien to appear before them so that the Padawan’s progress could be gauged. They each bowed low as they stepped into the center of the circular room.

“Welcome home,” Mace Windu said to the newly-returned Jedis.

“Been gone for a long time, you have,” Yoda added.

“That is true, Master. It’s... good to be home, though.” The smile tugging at the corners of her mouth added credence to the words.

“Glad you are also, Padawan?”

Livien considered. “I will be glad to get to know the planet. My stay here before was brief.”

“Yes. Much occurred then.” Yoda paused, exchanging a glance with Windu. “Much occurs now, I think.” Leaving that train of thought, the diminutive Master continued, “Almost ready for the trials you are, Padawan. Disciplined your mind is. Quiet are your thoughts.”

Livien bowed her head respectfully. “Thank you, Master. I do my best to follow the Code.”

“Well you follow it. Learned quickly, you have, like your Master. Your training you will soon need.” Tanilea could feel that Master Yoda had reached the crux of the meeting. “Troubles there are on the horizon.”

Picking up where Yoda stopped, Mace Windu broke in, “We expect war. Many factors influence it . . . We are not fully aware of the scope or origin of the conflict. We do know that a dark force has been accumulating thousands of clones over a period of years, certainly in preparation for battle. No one knows how many there are exactly. There is also no concrete way of knowing who guides these forces, but we believe it whoever it is works in association with the Sith.”

“The dark man . . . He was the apprentice, wasn’t he? His Master lives.”

Another stolen glance between Mace and Yoda. “We believe it is so. In fact, the Master may be the one responsible for all of this. There is no way to be sure yet.”

“Where do we come in, Master?”

“If conflict does arrive, many Knights and Padawans and even some Masters will be called to duty. But the Temple must continue running as a manner as close to normal as possible. Because you have been gone for so long, we thought that you and your Padawan might consider assisting in the management of the Temple should it become necessary.”

“I would be honored, Master.”

Livien bowed as well and replied, “I will do all that I can.”

They each felt waves of gratitude and... relief? emanating from several Council members. “Good. With any luck, your services will be unnecessary.”

Tanilea left Livien meditating that evening and went to see Obi-Wan. Though the Council’s request was flattering, it also scared her. If even they were ready to admit that war was the only course, what was going on elsewhere? She needed to relax and talk to someone she could be completely herself around. Tanilea pressed the door signal and sent, It’s just me, Obi.

His smiling face greeted her a heartbeat later. Obviously prepared for bed already, he wore loose-fitting blue pajamas in place of his tunic and pants. “Come in! Anakin is talking to Amidala on the comm in the other room. It was the first thing he wanted to do when we finished our lessons for the day.”

Tanilea grinned and threw herself onto the couch beside Obi-Wan. “He loves her very much. It makes me happy to know that they’ve found each other.”

“Same here. His whole face lights up whenever he says her name. She’s the same way. When I see how he is with her, I see the Anakin I knew years ago... But that’s neither here nor there. What brings you out so late in the day?”

“I guess I just needed to unwind. The meeting earlier got me a bit keyed up. The thought of war, especially if the Sith are involved, terrifies me. I know what Master Yoda says about fear, but . . .”

Obi-Wan put his arm around Tanilea’s shoulders and drew her close. “I feel the same way. With Anakin’s skill as a pilot, I know he’ll be in the thick of things too.”

Fresh fear seized Tanilea’s heart. “Which means you’ll be in the thick of things.”

“Yes. I suppose it does. Worried?” he asked.

Tanilea knew from his tone that he wore a smug grin. Much as she hated to feed his ego, the Knight responded truthfully. “Very. You’re my best friend, and I don’t want to lose you.”

“That’s all, hmm?”

“What’s all? That I’m worried about you?”

He remained silent, toying with a strand of her long hair. “Tomorrow Anakin’s friend is throwing him a belated-birthday party. Would you and Livien like to join us?”

“If you don’t think it would be an imposition, it sounds like fun.” The Force knows I could use the distraction!

“Good. I’m sure you’ll enjoy yourself.”

Looking over at the wall chrono, Tanilea realized how late it really was. “Mmm... I’d better go. The morning run comes awfully early sometimes.”

Obi-Wan laughed, helping her to her feet. “Doesn’t it? I’m just happy Anakin likes to sleep in.”

“Lucky!”

“Not so much as I want sometimes.” Rushing past the comment, he called out, “Good night!” Sleep well.

You too, Obi. Pleasant dreams.

Please don’t say I love you
Those words touch me much too deeply and make my heart tremble
Don’t think you realize the affect you have over me
And please don’t come so close!
It makes me wanna me you near me always.
~Jewel “Near You Always”

The next night, Livien insisted upon helping Tanilea braid her hair for the party. The Padawan drew her Master’s long midnight hair back from her face, tying it at the nape of her neck with a deep red ribbon to match Tanilea’s dress, and separated the ponytail into dozens of smaller braids. Livien examined her work critically. “Is that alright, Master?”

“It’s beautiful, Liv. Thank you. Do you need any help with yours?”

The young woman laughed. “I don’t think there’s much I can do with it! It’s only about an inch long all around.”

“True.” Tanilea looked at her Padawan’s long, flowing blue dress. It shimmered slightly, accentuating her lithe form. “It’s stunning on you.”

“Thank you, Master! And thank you for giving it to me.”

“I confess, it wasn’t mine to begin . It belonged to Master Lanar. She gave it to me. Now I give it to you.” Long-past memories made the Jedi smile to herself. “She gave it to me before the first dance I attended with her. Some diplomatic ball... I don’t remember exactly.”

“Was it fun?”

“I didn’t think it would be at the time. I dreaded it, in fact. But then Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon showed up. This was before Qui-Gon and I began seeing each other. He did dance with me, though. I must have been about... oh, seventeen. It was one of the best nights of my life.”

“Maybe tonight will be as nice.”

“I hope so!” Tanilea tried in vain to reach the fastening on the back of her low-necked crimson dress. “Liv, could you help me?”

Livien stepped closer and began work on the fastening. “Always, Master.”

Obi-Wan picked Tanilea and Livien out the moment they walked in the door. Sending a blinding smile their way, he quickly cut a path through the throng of people surrounding the refreshments. He wore a long black shirt with a high collar, tight tan pants and black boots. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look so handsome! “Who are you and what have you done with Obi-Wan? Hmm?”

“Hello to you too!” He bowed slightly to the two women. “The two of you are absolutely beautiful.”

Tanilea fingered the silky material of his shirt. “You don’t look half bad yourself,” she teased.

“I think I’m going to go say hello to Anakin,” Livien said quietly, slipping into the crowd.

“I was never that quiet at her age.”

“You were never quiet at any age.”

Tanilea elbowed Obi-Wan gently in the ribs. The music picked up, no longer a slow song. “Care to dance?”

“If you still remember how.”

As they danced onto the floor, Tanilea shot back, “Me? I was never the one who had trouble dancing.”

“That so?” He spun her around, then stopped her momentum by pulling her close. Tanilea felt her breath catch. “Things change.”

“I guess so.” There was something about the way her body felt pressed against his that was absolutely right. But her mind rebelled. The very notion of Obi-Wan as more than a dear friend sent an odd combination of excitement and fear coursing through Tanilea’s veins. She silently thanked the Force that she had thought to increase her mental shielding for the night. Tanilea had no doubt that the twinkle in Obi-Wan’s eyes would not be helped if he could feel her oddly contrasting emotions.

His hand on her back and the slight rippling of his muscles beneath the thin shirt made the rest of the room melt away. Relax! This is just Obi. But he was no more the thirteen-year-old boy she had known long ago than she was the innocent young girl who had first come to Coruscant twenty years before. No amount of change, however, could have made it any easier to feel her heart pound at the touch of someone who Tanilea had always been safely comfortable with. She looked up into his eyes.

Again, the sensation that they were the only two people in the huge room. He sensed the change as well. Through her own clouded emotions, Tanilea sensed what his next move would be. She braced herself.

Though the Jedi thought she knew how it was being kissed by a man, she was shocked to find that kissing Obi-Wan in no way resembled her past experiences with Qui-Gon. The action was the same, but the connection differed so that it might as well have been a completely foreign experience. The touch was warmth, comfort and passion all at the same time. Tanilea leaned into the kiss, wanting it as much as he did. She let her shielding slip, no longer caring to hide her pleasure.

No! Before the more impetuous half of her mind could stop her, Tanilea broke the contact and stepped away from Obi-Wan. I need to get away from here... think. “I-I’m sorry,” she stammered. Quickly as Tanilea exited the room, she sent to Livien, who was dancing with another Padawan, I have a horrible headache. I’m going to bed early. I’ll see you in the morning. Have fun.

She breathed a sigh of relief as soon as she saw the darkness of night through the final set of double doors. Bursting through the doors, Tanilea drew a deep breath into her lungs and tried to exhale the chaos of her suddenly-troubled mind. It didn’t work.

You’re my best friend
Best friend with benefits
What took me so long?
I’ve never felt this healthy before.
I’ve never wanted something rational.
I am aware now.
~Alanis Morissette “Head Over Feet”

Livien never asked what had occurred between Obi-Wan and her Master that night. Silence seemed the most appropriate way to preserve Tanilea’s privacy. For her part, Tanilea continued their lessons as usual, focusing on fine-tuning her Padawan’s skills with her lightsaber. “Very good, Liv. You have improved. Again.” The young woman flew at her Master, the purple blade of her ‘saber blocked almost instantly by Tanilea’s. She knew how much relief the free, relaxed air of dueling eased the older woman’s mind. Meditation appealed to Livien far more, but her Master’s sanity and well-being were more important that what she wanted to do. And Livien knew also that she probably did need more practice.

After a quarter of an hour more, Tanilea informed her Padawan that it was time to call it a day. “Master?”

“Hmm?”

“I have avoided asking you about the night of the party for almost a month. I wish there were a way I could ask without encroaching upon your privacy, but I do not think there is. And whatever happened, it is affecting you deeply, whether you show it or not. Anything that affects you affects me, Master, especially when you are so troubled. I cannot remember you being so upset since...”

“Since Qui-Gon died,” Tanilea finished reluctantly. “I know.” She centered her thoughts as best she could and began again. “At the party, I experienced an awakening along the lines of what happened with Alex. But much deeper. After allowing myself to feel nothing but loyalty and love for you all of these years, my mind simply... shut down the areas it didn’t seem to feel were necessary. I forgot what it was like to be completely in love. It’s not something that anyone should ever forget.”

“And you love Jedi Kenobi?”

Tanilea bit her lower lip. “That’s what I’ve been meditating on these past few weeks. When I think back, the moment he kissed me was... as close to perfect as any other moment in my life has been. I forgot to trust my instincts. I let myself over-think. And I ran. I should have trusted my heart, but I let my fear rule my actions. I feared losing him as a friend, feared that it wasn’t really love. I know better now.” She sounded close to tears. “Now I’m afraid I have not only rejected his love but his friendship. He has been my closest friend since we met. Even when the two of us were on Dagobah, I thought of him often, wondered how he was. If I have hurt him . . .”

“Master, you need to talk to him! That is the only way you can know with any certainty what he feels.”

“I don’t mind telling you that the thought of finding out that he doesn’t want to have anything to do with me scares me to death.” She reached out and squeezed Livien’s hand. “Thank you, Padawan.” Tanilea stood, pulling her Jedi robes off over her head, leaving only her “street clothes,” tight white pants and a loose blue tunic that made her eyes stand out. “Wish me luck!”

Try as she might, Tanilea could not manage to focus herself as she stood outside Obi-Wan’s door waiting for him to answer. “Obi!” she almost gasped when his face appeared. “I . . . I need to tell you something.”

His face was blank. Tanilea couldn’t tell if he was hurt, angry, or simply indifferent. “What is it?” His tone betrayed no more emotion than his expression.

“This.” Throwing all her mental protests aside, Tanilea put her hand behind his neck and pulled him as close as she could, pressing their lips together. I love you, Obi. I always will love you. I’m sorry it took me so long to realize it. In a heartbeat, his arms were around her, their bodies as close as possible, their minds completely open. His lips were sweet, and Tanilea could feel love pouring from him and surrounding her in perfect security.

I was so scared that I had lost you, he sent without easing the embrace.

Tanilea let out the mental equivalent of a laugh. I thought I had lost you too, love. The kiss ended, but Tanilea remained firmly pressed against Obi-Wan, her head resting on his shoulder, forehead against his neck. I was afraid that I would lose you no matter what choice I made. So I ran from the decision. “Once I thought about it, I realized that I do love you. As more than a friend. That wasn’t an easy revelation.”

Do you think it was for me? I realized my love for you years ago, Tani. Before you realized your love for Master Qui-Gon. I loved seeing how happy you both were, then. “That’s all I ever wanted, Tani. Your happiness.”

Holding him a little tighter, she sighed, “And now I’ve found it.”

Here we are
All alone
Trembling hearts beating strong
Reaching out, a breathless kiss
I never thought could feel like this.
I want to stop the time from passing by;
I wanna close my eyes and feel your lips are touching mine.
Baby, when you’re close to me
I want you more each time
And there’s nothing I can do to keep from loving you.
~Gloria Estefan “Here We Are”

“When will Anakin be back?” Tanilea asked softly, finger trailing down Obi-Wan’s bare chest teasingly.

“Too soon,” he replied with a dramatic sigh. “He’ll be back from his friend’s house tomorrow.”

Laughing, Tanilea rolled over and rested her head on his chest. She had never felt so perfectly complete. I am blessed. “Is that all?”

“Um-hmm.”

“We’ll just have to make good use of our time, then. I’m glad Livien is independant. She would have starved to death by now otherwise.” The Jedi pushed herself up onto her elbows and looked into her lover’s eyes. “Thank you.”

He seemed genuinely confused. “For what?”

“For making me complete. I still can’t believe that I’m so lucky! There is nothing missing from my life.” She lay down again, one arm wrapped around Obi-Wan’s chest. “In Qui-Gon, I found my true love; in Livien, the best student anyone could possibly have; in you, Obi, my soulmate. I have everything.”

“You deserve to have everything. And then some. You should have everything you want.”

“Everything?”

A firm nod. “Yes. Everything.”

“Well, then, why are we wasting all of this time talking, hmm?”

Not needing any further provocation, Obi-Wan shifted their positions so that she lay below him. “Is this more what you had in mind, love?”

“Mm-hmm. Much better.” They laughed together and proceeded to make good use of the time they had left until Anakin’s return.

Once Tanilea finally was forced to return to her quarters and her duties as a Jedi, Livien pounced. “Tell me everything!” she demanded without preamble.

Crossing her arms, Tanilea did her best impression of a stern Jedi Master, well aware she was failing pitifully. “I think you’re a bit too young for that, Padawan.” Of course, she isn’t really... Why, I was younger than she when-

“I’m not. Besides, you’ve told me everything but the good stuff.”

“Fine.” Tanilea situated herself in a cross-legged position facing Livien. “We are both very happy. We are both very much in love.” We both wish there were more friends we could send Anakin away to visit. “And you, Padawan, are extremely nosey. And a bit too forward for your own good. Now. The meditation?”

Livien’s dark eyes twinkled as she stared at her Master. “You aren’t thinking about mediation at all, Master. Our bond is strong enough that I can tell that easily. You’re thinking about Jedi Kenobi.”

Blasted bond! “That doesn’t mean you need to be. Focus on your lessons, Padawan.”

Relenting, Livien relaxed her muscles and slowed her breathing. You’re still thinking about him, she threw out before slipping into a mild trance.

“Just for that, we spend all tomorrow with lightsabers,” Tanilea whispered to no one in particular before resuming her attempts to re-route her errant thoughts. Obi, if I find out that you aren’t having thoughts as impure as mine and every inch as much trouble controlling them, I swear I’ll strangle you!

And in the night, I could be helpless,
I could be lonely sleeping without you.
And in the day everything’s complex
There’s nothing simple when I’m not around you.
~The Cranberries “When You’re Gone”

Tanilea licked suddenly-dry lips and watched as MasterYoda regarded the assembled Jedis. Every Knight and Master available now sat in the Council chambers awaiting the news that they already knew. War had been declared. And the Jedi had to fight. Her hand shot out and grasped Obi-Wan’s, letting the comforting warmth of him release the tension from her tight muscles.

Nothing is going to happen that we don’t know already, he soothed.

That doesn’t mean I can’t worry.

Instead of Yoda as expected, Mace Windu led the conference. “Could I have your attention, please? Thank you. You know why we’re here. The Republic needs our help. Those of you who will be in active service already know. I ask our generals to stand now.” Reluctantly, Obi-Wan released Tanilea’s hand and stood, along with half a dozen more Jedis, all with faces both grave and determined. “Thank you. You may be seated. I would also like those of you who will be attending the students at the Temple to stand.” Only a few of those present stood. Much of the work in the Temple had been delegated to Padawns deemed unready for combat.

Master Yoda took over. “Know your duties, you do. Show the rest of the galaxy what is is to be Jedis, you shall. The Force will be with you.”

Tears ran unchecked down Tanilea’s face. “I don’t know if I can say good-bye to you.”

“Shh.” Obi-Wan gently kissed away the tears, though new ones soon replaced them. “You don’t have to. Just wish me luck. I won’t accept any good-byes. I will, however, accept any attention you should wish to lavish upon me when I return.” He kissed her deeply on the mouth then, tongue exploring familiar territory, arms holding her close.

When the kiss ended at last, Tanilea whispered, “Good luck. I love you. Now leave before I start crying again.” She laughed weakly and smiled. “I’m putting on a brave front here. Take it while you can get it.”

“Will do. I love you, Tani. See you soon!” He pulled himself away with an effort and joined Anakin on the ramp leading into the Valiant. It’ll be alright. I just found you. I refuse to lose you now.

She waved as the two men disappeared up the landing ramp. Livien’s hand slipped into hers, squeezing just enough so that the Jedi could be sure of her solidity. “They’ll be back, Master. I know they will.”

“Yes. Yes, they will.” The silent voice that guided Tanilea in all she did set off a warning signal. Something isn’t right about all this... “Do you sense anything more, Padawan?”

The young woman’s brow furrowed. “No, Master. I sense nothing.”

“Very well.” Tanilea forced herself to appear pleasant. “Let’s go and inspect the students, hmm?”

“I heard from Amidala today,” Livien informed her Master as she folded a load of laundry. She asked her Master on almost a daily basis how such small beings could make such huge messses. “She received a holo from Anakin the other day. He said that all is going well. The fighting might be over soon.”

I hope he’s right. A year gone already, and I’m not sure I can endure another without him. “Good. We must focus our energies on realizing that goal then, Padawan. Positive thinking can contribute much to a goal.”

“Yes, Master. I have faith in them.”

“As do I.” Then what is it that keeps whispering in your ear? What danger is there in their return? “Did Amidala say anything else?”

“No, Master.” Livien’s dark eyes focused on Tanilea with the force of a deep space probe. “What is it that troubles you so lately? Your sleep even is troubled.”

Tanilea gently rubbed her Padawan’s shoulder. “I appreciate your noticing, Liv. I honestly don’t know. Perhaps it’s just my worry for Obi. Or,” she added with a grin, “the stress of caring for all the little hellions here at the Temple.” Covering it up won’t help. “I think tonight I will try focused dreaming. Maybe I can uncover the source of my unease.”

“I hope you do.” Livien smiled and hefted the laundry basket. “You are beginning to make me nervous.”

I lost myself in sorrow
I lost myself in pain.
I lost myself in clarity.
~R.E.M. “Leave”

Tanilea keyed up the newest holo from Obi-Wan. Various small infractions at the Temple had prevented her from watching it sooner. Now, alone in the quiet of her quarters, she relaxed and hoped for good news. The year of separation wore sorely on her nerves.

“Hello, love.” She noticed that his hair now fell almost to his shoulders, and he had the beginnings of a beard. In the middle of a battle, grooming was at best a secondary concern. “I’m sorry I haven’t send anything for so long. There is so little time . . . Anakin is proving as amazing a pilot as he was a podracer. I have no doubt now of his readiness for the Trials. It seems you are not the only one who will lose a Padawan when this business is over.

Despite the casual nature of the conversation, Obi-Wan’s face remained a grave mask. Lack of sleep and exposure to too much violence were making their mark. “It gets harder every day fighting. It gets harder being away from you. I would give anything to be away from all this.” The brief torrent of sadness was cut off, a dam of rationality covering it. “But it is my duty. I sense that this war is far from the end, though. Change is on the horizon, and... I have a bad feeling about it all.

“I need to go and try to get a few hours of sleep before we go out again. Tell Livien hello for both of us, will you? And watch after yourself. I hope to return home shortly. This can’t go on forever.” For the first time, he smiled. “I love you, Tani.”

The Jedi Knight sighed as the holo automatically ended. At least it wasn’t bad news. To her surprise, a second holo started almost immediately. Well, I’m awfully popular today...

Master Windu appeared before her, doing his best to look pleasant. “I just wanted to check in. Much as they drive me crazy sometimes, I miss having all the little ones underfoot. I also miss the peace and quiet. Not a moment of peace out here. We are progressing. This war is almost over. I can feel it. Don’t worry, Jedi Jamelle. I’ll be bringing Obi-Wan back to you soon.”

“Thanks, Master,” Tanilea told the recorded message. “I’m going to hold you to that.” She sighed again and crossed the room to her bed. It had been a couple of weeks since she first attempted insight into her anxieties. Let’s try this again. Quieting her mind, Tanilea relaxed, letting go of all thought. She quickly fell into a deep sleep thanks to years of practice with the technique.

Before her eyes swam random images. Each moved too quickly to tell anything of its origin or destination. By sheer force of will, Tanilea slowed the images, then halted them. They moved again, but slowly. Anakin, standing before a dark man. The feeling of utter blackness instantly brought to mind the Sith who struck Qui-Gon down so many years before and her heart contracted with fear and pain. The man was speaking. Far from being able to make out his words, Tanilea could feel only the only desensitizing sweetness of their tone. Anakin listened intently to the words. Why is he with this man? He is a Sith! Why would Ani . . .? The man reached out and put a hand on Anakin’s shoulder. Tanilea noticed then that the young man looked older. More muscles rippled beneath the thin fabric of his tunic, and his shoulders looked broader. How far into the future is this? What causes it?

Tanilea awoke with a start, shocked at how bright the room looked.

“Good morning, Master,” Livien said quietly from a chair by the window where she sat drinking a cup of tea. “You have discovered what is wrong?”

“Oh, Force . . . I don’t know, Liv.” Tanilea rose slowly, throwing off her nightclothes and jerking her tunic and robes on. “I hope not.”

Don't be too proud to be strong.
Just look into your heart, my friend.
That will be the return to yourself.
The return to innocence.
If you want, then start to laugh.
If you must, then start to cry.
Be yourself, don't hide.
Just believe in destiny.
Don't care what people say.
Just follow your own way.
Don't give up and use the chance
To return to innocence.
This is not the beginning of the end....it's the return to innocence.
~Enigma “The Return to Innocence”

As if her very life depended on it, Tanilea held onto Obi-Wan. “I was so scared, Obi.”

“I was too,” he whispered in her ear. His arms were wrapped carefully around her, holding her as tight as he dared. “There wasn’t a second you weren’t with me.”

“There were times I thought...” she let the words go unsaid. “I don’t ever want us to be apart for that long again.”

Obi-Wan pulled back a bit and smiled. “Well, if you mean that,” he said, pulling something from an inner pocket of his robes, “you’ll say yes when I ask you to be my wife.” The ring he produced matched exactly the bracelet he had given her long before. “Tanilea, will you marry me?”

With a laugh, she threw her arms around his neck again and kissed each cheek in turn. “Of course I will!” He slipped the ring onto her finger and grinned. “Did you ever really doubt that I would say yes?”

“Not for a second. I’m far too irresistable.”

“You just keep telling yourself that,” Tanilea replied, kissing his neck. “I’m just with you for your money.” They shared a laugh and headed off to inform their Padawans of the news.

Master Windu smiled at the two Jedis before him, bowing slightly to each in turn. “Who stands witness to this union?”

Livien and Master Lanar, who had been called in from her assignment on Milrea, stepped up to stand beside Tanilea, while Anakin gravitated toward his master. “We do,” they answered as one before stepping back.

“Then let’s get on with the ceremony. No objections from you two, I assume?” he asked the bride and groom.

Tanilea grinned. She knew all along that the grave manner Master Windu usually displayed existed only to prove to the uneducated that he was a stern Jedi when in fact he had a decidedly playful side. It was she who had convinced Obi-Wan that he was the only person who could handle their marriage ceremony. I told you so, she sent.

You’re always right, Obi-Wan replied, squeezing her hand gently.

Of course.

“Do the two of you promise that you will love, cherish and take care of each other until the day that you die and after?”

“We do.”

“That you will hold the love you share above everything save your responsibilities as Jedi?”

“We do.”

“Then it is my great honor to consecrate the bond of love that you share and pronounce you husband and wife. What are you waiting for? Start kissing already!” Master Windu prompted with an impish grin.

They complied, elated and grounded all at once. Tanilea felt in her very bones that her life had begun again. Her union with Obi-Wan marked a new beginning for them both. I love you, Obi.

And I love you.

You’re stuck with me now, you know.

I know. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Did you borrow the soul,
The soul that you sell now?
What does your conscience tell you?
Where are the demons of your desire?
Why does my love destroy you?
~Indigo Girls “Tried to be True”

“Everything is so changed now,” Tanilea agreed quietly, her hand gently clasping Amidala’s. “Livien is gone, already off on her first mission, you and Anakin hardly ever visit. It seems as though all the old, stable things I could count on to keep me sane are gone. Except for Obi, of course.”

“Of course.” The queen smiled before allowing the serious mask of purpose shadow her youthful features once more. “It’s more than that, though. Ani... It’s as though he’s an entirely different person lately. I barely know him.” Sudden tears made wet trails down Amidala’s cheeks. “Tani, he’s a different person. You remember at the wedding, how happy he looked... I can’t remember the last time he looked at me that way. The way his face used to light up when I entered a room, the way he would hold me... I don’t know what to do.”

Tanilea frowned. “Maybe it’s something simple. Stress, adjusting to the marriage, that wandering spirit he has. Maybe it-”

“It isn’t. I know him, Tani. I know Anakin as well as I know myself. Knew him that well, anyway. He has always been a part of me, ever since I first met him. I just didn’t know then how much of a bond we shared. Now I feel like I’m losing that. And . . .”

“And what?” the Jedi Master prompted.

“And I’m pregnant.”

“Ami, that’s wonderful! You should be thrilled! Have you told Anakin?”

“No.” She shook her head and held up a warning hand. “And I don’t want you to either.”

“But why? He’s your husband! He-”

“I can’t explain it, Tani. Trust me when I tell you he is not the man I married a year ago. He is not the same person.” The queen bit her lip like a nervous girl half her age and sighed. “I know I sound crazy. But I’m not. I know what I’m saying. I sense something... something bad. No good can come of this, Tani. Not unless something changes.” Amidala rose, starting for the door. “Just keep an eye out for anything suspicious. I fear whatever is affecting Anakin will affect us all.

“I had a dream last night, Obi,” Tanilea said to her husband the next morning.

“Oh? What about?” Obi-Wan drew his tunic over his head and tried to relax despite the feeling of unease his wife’s announcement awakened.

“Anakin. Amidala came to see me the other day, and... I think she was right, Obi. Something bad is coming.”

“She just transferred her anxiety. There-”

“No.” Her voice was firm, commanding, putting an instant end to his protests. “Do not ignore this. The last time I-” All sense of control fled as tears blurred her vision and constricted her throat. “Obi, the last time I saw something this clearly was before you and Qui-Gon were sent to Naboo. I am as certain of this as I was then. There was no way to avert his death. I know that now. But there may be something we can do to save at least some of the lives I saw wasted...” Her eyes looked glassy and far-way. “First I saw Anakin. But he looked different. As Amidala said, the light in his eyes was gone. There was terrible darkness, Obi... darkness I’ve only seen once before, in my dreams . . . in the eyes of Darth Maul. Then I see . . . I see both of you. Dueling. Then I see death. So much death...” The tears came again, but Tanilea ignored them. “I can see a large ship being destroyed and the Council with it. So many deaths... planets full of people... mothers, children... Somehow it is Anakin. Somehow he kills them.”

Obi-Wan reached across the bed and drew Tanilea close against him, feeling their tears mix as her cheek rested lightly against his. “We won’t let it happen that way. We’ll stop it.”

Tanilea shook her head and held Obi-Wan tighter. “I’m not sure we can.”

I blame this world for making a good man evil
It’s this world that can drive a good man bad.
~Jon Bon Jovi “Santa Fe”

Amidala clung to Tanilea, sobs racking her body. “I know I should be making some kind of comforting speech to my people,” she confessed to the Jedi. “But I can’t. I can’t put aside my own pain for their sake! What kind of queen am I?”

“The kind who loves deeply. We have all lost a great deal.” Tanilea felt her throat constrict as she thought of the footage she had seen on the holonews earlier that day. A ship full of Jedis exploding on its way to a meeting with some three thousand other delagates from as many worlds. It had been Livien’s first official assignment. Tanilea had told herself that, despite her uneasy feeling about the meeting, nothing could go wrong since Master Lanar was heading the delegation. “No one saw this coming, my friend.”

The young queen wiped her eyes, glad that she had foregone her elaborate make-up routine for once. “No, I knew. In my heart, I knew. I should have done something earlier to keep Anakin from getting so-”

“He isn’t Anakin anymore, Your Highness. You must not think of him as Anakin. The moment he turned to the Dark Side and became a Sith, he ceased to be Anakin. He is Darth Vader. Anakin is dead.” Tanilea willed away her fear for Obi-Wan. When he left to find his former apprentice, she had been hard-pressed not to beg him to stay. He will be fine. Stop worrying. Worrying helps no one. “You will survive this. You are strong. And you must survive for the children living inside you.”

“Yes. For the children.” Amidala’s voice barely registered as a whisper. Squaring her shoulders, the queen rose from the bed, face a mask of detachment. “I will make the announcement now. My people should know the truth from me." Even seven months pregnant, the queen carried herself with dignity. Tanilea often watched her in open amazement. The only time she felt her movements carried such easy grace was when she dueled. “Tanilea, will you wait?”

“Of course. I’ll be right here when you get back.”

Amidala nodded, then squared her shoulders. “Sabé! I need help with my hair. I must make an announcement.” The queen’s bodyguard bowed her head solemnly and deftly began braiding Amidala’s long, thick hair. “This will not be easy.”

Hands clasped together so tightly that her knuckles turned white, Tanilea watched her husband’s face as he spoke. In the space of a day, it seemed Obi-Wan had aged ten years. She fought memories of the last time his expression betrayed such pain and defeat. “Anakin is dead?”

Obi-Wan’s brow furrowed. “I... I saw him fall into that lava. I know no one could survive that. But . . .”

“But you think Anakin did.”

“Yes.”

“Damn. I guess all we can is wait and find out, right?” Tanilea forced her voice to stay even and calm, the voice of a Jedi.

“Right.”

She relaxed as his arm slipped around her shoulders. “We’re going to make it somehow, Obi. I know we will. If we haven’t lost it yet, we aren’t going down now.”

“Not without a fight.”

It doesn't matter what I want
It doesn't matter what I need
It doesn't matter if I cry
Doesn't matter if I bleed
Feel the sting of tears
Falling on this face you've loved for years.
~Alison Krauss and Union Station "It Doesn't Matter"

Tanilea felt the floor lurch beneath her as she struggled to her feet, unsteady in bare feet and wearing only her thin nightgown. Hurry! She watched as her husband leapt over the fallen body of one of a padawan and around Adi Gallia’s corpse.

He hesitated, looking back toward where Mace Windu and a handfull of others fought a losing battle with more than twenty ‘droids, a few soldiers, and an imposing man in black armor. I should help.

If they don’t follow us, they’ll die too. We owe it to Amidala to get out of here and help her. Now, come! Tanilea caught and held his gaze, forcing him to remember their true mission. We promised her. She sighed with near-relief when Obi-Wan joined her on the lift, keying in the sequence for their descent to the hangar. Knowing his eyes would follow the battle, particularly the form of the man who had once been Anakin Skywalker, Tanilea attempted to distract him. Do you think she will be ready?

Would you be he were your child?

Tanilea bit her lip, shaking her head slightly. No. But she’ll have to be. It won’t take Vader long to find us on Alderaan. We’ll have to get away from there as quickly as possible.

Of course. His strong, cold exterior worried her greatly. Inside, Tanilea knew, the sight of Vader cutting down member after member of the council, friend after friend, must have heart more than he let on. Moreover, he never shut her out. But he was now. We’ll get the boy and then leave.

TBC