Titanic: The Ice-Cold Menace

By: Teresa Martin

teres1225@aol.com

This is an insane story that popped into my head last summer.

The characters of 'Phantom Menace' have the 'Titanic' experience. Spoilers for 'Phantom Menace' and 'Titanic.'

Uncle George owns all of it. I am making no money, I just want people to have fun with the story.

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EPISODE I

THE ICE-COLD MENACE

Turmoil has engulfed the North Atlantic. The fastest route to New York City is in dispute. Hoping to resolve the matter with a floating death-trap called 'Titanic,' the greedy, British White-Star Line has ordered its maiden voyage

. . .

R.M.S. TITANIC--BRIDGE--SOUTHAMPTON

CAPTAIN QUI-GON JINN and OBI-WAN ANDREWS are looking pensively out the window.

OBI-WAN ANDREWS: I have a bad feeling about this!

CAPTAIN JINN: I sense nothing.

OBI-WAN ANDREWS: It's not here in Southampton. It's something elsewhere, elusive.

CAPTAIN JINN: Don't center on your anxiety, Obi-Wan. Keep your concentration here and now where it belongs. Never think ahead, my young architect.

OBI-WAN ANDREWS: Yes, Captain.

DOCK--SOUTHAMPTON

The young and outlandishly dressed PADME DE-NABARRIE AMIDALA is preparing to board Titanic. She is flanked by 6 handmaids and followed by the conniving Calpatine.. She looks up at 'Titanic' disdainfully.

AMIDALA: It doesn't look much bigger than a Nubian.

(cue 'Emperor's Theme' music)

CALPATINE: You are young and naive, and hard to impress.

R.M.S. TITANIC-1ST CLASS CABIN

CALPATINE is observing the wardrobe that the loyal handmaids are unpacking. 'Emperor's Theme' is still playing.

CALPATINE: If I may say so, Amidala, your taste in clothing is very interesting.

AMIDALA: Yes, there's truth in them, but no logic.

CALPATINE: Kind of like this movie.

R.M.S. TITANIC--BRIDGE

The voyage is underway. CAPTAIN JINN and OBI-WAN ANDREWS are looking bored.

CAPTAIN JINN: I know! What do you say we walk about and observe the ship?

OBI-WAN ANDREWS: As you wish, Captain. Where shall we start?

CAPTAIN JINN: The boiler rooms.

R.M.S. TITANIC-BOILER ROOM 1

Two foreign stokers are concerned about the approach of the captain and his architect.

HEAVILY ACCENTED FOREIGNER: An architect? Here?

EVEN HEAVIER ACCENTED FOREIGNER: We must contact Darth Ismidious!

(cue: 'Emperor's Theme' music)

Hologram inexplicably appears

DARTH ISMIDIOUS: The captain and his architect should not be here. They should not discover how the ship actually works. Destroy them immediately!

Hologram disappears. Music stops.

HEAVILY ACCENTED FOREIGNER: Yeah, destroy them. But let's not do it ourselves.

EVEN HEAVIER ACCENTED FOREIGNER: Who then?

HEAVILY ACCENTED FOREIGNER: Send in some third-class foreigners.

EVEN HEAVIER ACCENTED FOREIGNER: But aren't we foreigners too?

HEAVILY ACCENTED FOREIGNER: Just get on with it!

The captain and his architect are attacked but they valiantly fight off the foreigners and flee into the third-class corridors.

R.M.S. TITANIC-3RD CLASS CORRIDOR

OBI-WAN ANDREWS: I don't understand, Captain.

CAPTAIN JINN: What? OBI-WAN ANDREWS: How could we have been attacked here? I thought the only evil people on the Titanic were in the first class!

CAPTAIN JINN: Yes, that disturbs me too. Be wary, my young architect.

OBI-WAN ANDREWS: Yes, Captain.

The men are startled by some shouts: various outburst of 'Yippee! This is so wizard' etc.

CAPTAIN JINN: What the --?

A small boy runs past the two, but the clumsy FAR FAR BREEZIO smacks right into the captain and knocks him down.

FAR FAR BREEZIO: Mesa Lovsa Yousa!

OBI-WAN ANDREWS: What's this?

CAPTAIN JINN (disdainfully) A foreigner!

OBI-WAN ANDREWS (to Far Far): Show us the way out of here!

FAR FAR: Buta mesa knowa notinga abouta Titanica!

CAPTAIN JINN: Neither did James Cameron, but that didn't stop him from making money off it!

R.M.S. TITANIC-3RD CLASS DECK

Amidala is exploring the third class in casual clothes. As she wanders the deck she sees a boy of about 9 years sitting on the bench, staring at her.

JACKIE: Are you an angel?

AMIDALA: What?

JACKIE: An angel. I've heard all the foreigners talking about them.

AMIDALA: You're a funny little boy.

JACKIE: I'm not a little boy! I'm an artist and my name is Jackikan. But everybody calls me Jackie--I think.

AMIDALA: Ok. (Jackie is shivering) Are you all right?

JACKIE: It's very cold.

AMIDALA: The North Atlantic is cold. Especially the water.

JACKIE: Tell me about it! I once fell into ice-water while fishing. I did save the boat--mostly.

JACKIE continues to stare at AMIDALA making her uncomfortable.

AMIDALA: What now?

JACKIE: I don't think you're really a foreigner. You don't belong here.

AMIDALA: You're right, Jackie. I'm really British and come from the first class. I am sorry for my deception, but under the circumstances it has become necessary to protect myself.

JACKIE: Protect yourself from what?

AMIDALA: From my life! (beginning to whine) It threatens to engulf me into an endless stream of nothingness. I mean, I have to wear pretty clothes all the time, I have servants waiting on me hand and foot, I have more money than I know what to do with, and I have all the food I need. It's dreadful!

JACKIE: You're breaking my heart lady--I think.

AMIDALA: Can't you ever end a sentence like a normal person?

JACKIE: Well, no--I guess. C'mon! I want to show you something. I think it will give you more self-confidence and independence.

AMIDALA: What is it?

JACKIE: Some pictures I drew--of naked women! (AMIDALA slaps him) OW!

1ST OFFICER PANAKA comes running followed by CALPATINE, CAPTAIN JINN, OBI-WAN ANDREWS, and FAR FAR.

PANAKA (pointing a pistol at JACKIE): Hold it right there!

AMIDALA: Please don't hurt him. You see, I was looking at the propellers of the ship and I nearly fell. And Jackie came and saved my life. But I tripped and yelled 'ow!' and . . .(she goes on for a few minutes)

JACKIE (whispering): You couldn't think of a better explanation?

AMIDALA (kicking him): Shush!

(cue: 'Emperor's Theme')

CALPATINE: Well, then young Jackie, you're a hero.

CAPTAIN JINN: I think you should give the boy a reward.

CALPATINE: Yeeess, yes I could. (pulls out a ten-dollar bill) You want this . . . don't you?

CAPTAIN JINN: No, not money. Let's give the poor foreigner a good time. Jackie, how would you like to have dinner in the first class?

JACKIE: You mean I get to go up into first class with you?

R.M.S. TITANIC-1ST CLASS DINING ROOM

JACKIE sits at a table in the stately first-class dining room. 12 first-class passengers sit in a semi-circle. OBI-WAN ANDREWS and CAPTAIN JINN sit on either side of JACKIE.

DUKE YODA: How feel you, Jackie?

JACKIE: Cold, sir.

DUKE YODA: Afraid are you? See through you we can.

COLONEL MACE WINDU: Be mindful of your feelings.

LORD KI-ADI: Your thoughts dwell on your mother.

JACKIE: What does that have to do with anything?

DUKE YODA: Everything!

OBI-WAN ANDREWS: Uh. Can we steer clear of this Jackie/Mother thing? The Freudian implications are a little too much for me to stomach.

(cue: 'Emperor's Theme')

CALPATINE: Freud. Ah, he's a passenger, isn't he?

All at the table laugh, and slap their knees in response to the extraordinary wit that could create such a joke.

DUKE YODA: I sense much fear in you.

JACKIE: Whatever! I'll be going back to third-class soon--I hope.

JACKIE walks out, but not before slipping AMIDALA a hastily scribbled note.

AMIDALA (reading): Meet me at the clock.

R.M.S. TITANIC-GRAND STAIRCASE

JACKIE is standing at the top of the Grand-staircase. He senses AMIDALA'S approach. He turns around and grins.

JACKIE: You ever seen some ship-racing?

R.M.S. TITANIC-BOAT DECK

CAPTAIN JINN and OBI-WAN are walking along the deck.

CAPTAIN JINN: So, Obi-Wan. Want to watch the foreigners do some ship racing?

OBI-WAN: Uh, sure. Hey what's that you've got in your hand?

CAPTAIN JINN: Ice warnings. Nothing to really be concerned about.

OBI-WAN: Don't ignore the ice warnings, Captain--not again!

CAPTAIN JINN: I will do what I must!

R.M.S. TITANIC-THIRD CLASS LOUNGE

2 Third-class foreigners comment on the scene.

1ST COMMENTATING FOREIGNER: Moeglich Die Macht Mir Dir!

2ND COMMENTATING FOREIGNER: That's absolutely right. And a big turnout here, from all corners Europe. We have the Italians, the Irish, Eastern Europeans, Greeks . . . Why we have everyone here in 3rd class except the British! I see the contestants are making their way out onto the starting grid.

On the left side of the tracks across from the grandstands, a line of ship-racers emerge.

2ND COMMENTATING FOREIGNER: And a late entry Jackie (Jackie waves to the crowd.) I see the flaggers are moving out onto the stage.

Flaggers do Irish Dancing on stage 'Riverdance' style.

1ST COMMENTATING FOREIGNER: Nein! Das ist nicht wahr! Das ist unmoeglich!

2ND COMMENTATING FOREIGNER: And yes, the dogs have arrived.

A group of foreigners bring in all the 'foo-foo-type' dogs, stolen from 1st class. They are hitched to carts. OBI-WAN, CAPTAIN JINN and AMIDALA enter.

OBI-WAN: Are you sure that such cruelty to animals is appropriate as a form of recreation?

CAPTAIN JINN: Oh, quit being such a stick in the mud! Don't you know that your focus determines your reality?

OBI-WAN: Uh....what?

CAPTAIN JINN moves away toward Jackie, and leans down to encourage him.

CAPTAIN JINN: Do what I do when I drive Jackie, don't think.

JACKIE: And this is a good idea because?

CAPTAIN JINN doesn't hear him. He is too busy walking serenely away. The race is exciting, going through all of the 3rd class halls and winding through the 3rd class recreation area. JACKIE wins. All the foreigners start beating each other up cause they all hate each other anyways. AMIDALA rushes over to JACKIE.

AMIDALA: I'm so proud of you!

JACKIE: Really? Gee.

AMIDALA: You know Jackie, many things will change when I go back to 1st class, but my caring for you will remain.

JACKIE: I care for you too. Here, I made you this so that you'll remember me. (pulls out a necklace)

AMIDALA: Is it a ---?

JACKIE: Diamond? No. Japor snippet.

AMIDALA: (face falling): Oh.

R.M.S. TITANIC-BOAT DECK

CAPTAIN JINN and OBI-WAN are arguing about something. CAPTAIN JINN has slips of paper in his hand-more ice-warnings from the wireless operator.

OBI-WAN: It's not disrespect, it's the truth.

CAPTAIN JINN: From your point of view!

OBI-WAN (frustrated): Ice is dangerous. They all sense it, why can't you?

CAPTAIN JINN: You have much to learn, my young architect.

OBI-WAN: No, I think YOU are the one who has much to learn.

CAPTAIN JINN walks away from OBI-WAN in a huff.

R.M.S. TITANIC--A DECK PROMENADE

DARTH ISMIDIOUS is talking to Darth MAULJOY

DARTH ISMIDIOUS: These events are disturbing. Young Amidala should not be mingling with the third class. This is an unexpected move on her part.

DARTH MAULJOY: If the trace is correct, I can find them in the third class corridor.

DARTH ISMIDIOUS: Find the Captain and engage him.

DARTH MAULJOY: At last we will reveal ourselves to the Captain. At last we will have revenge.

R.M.S. TITANIC-THIRD CLASS CORRIDOR

CAPTAIN JINN is running for some unknown reason. JACKIE is following him.

JACKIE: Wait Captain. I'm tired!

DARTH MAULJOY flips in the air over JACKIE'S head and engages CAPTAIN JINN in a sword fight. CAPTAIN JINN runs like a chicken and escapes to the bridge.

R.M.S. TITANIC-BRIDGE

OBI-WAN ANDREWS: What happened?

CAPTAIN JINN: (sweaty) Gasp! Cough! Weeeez . . . It was definitely one of those . . . Ship owners . . .Gasp! Cough! Weeeeez!

JACKIE: Gee Captain. You didn't fight him that long! You'll avoid him from now on--I hope.

R.M.S. TITANIC-FIRST CLASS LOUNGE-THE NEXT DAY

JACKIE tries to go to the church service in the 1st class. COLONEL MACE WINDU stops him. CAPTAIN JINN comes over to see what's wrong.

COLONEL MACE WINDU: (to CAPTAIN JINN) He can't enter.

CAPTAIN JINN: (putting his hands on his hips in a pout) No?

COLONEL MACE WINDU: He's too poor.

CAPTAIN JINN: Poor?

COLONEL MACE WINDU: Only rich people are Protestant on the Titanic.

CAPTAIN JINN: Protestant?

JACKIE looks daggers at COLONEL MACE WINDU.

R.M.S. TITANIC-FIRST CLASS SMOKING LOUNGE

CAPTAIN JINN: There is no doubt. He was a ship owner. A BRITISH ship owner.

DUKE YODA: (nodding) Hard to see, the British are.

COLONEL MACE WINDU: Return to first class. Try to draw him out.

R.M.S. TITANIC-D DECK ELEVATOR

CAPTAIN JINN and OBI-WAN ANDREWS are walking toward the elevator. It suddenly opens. DARTH LOVEJOY is standing there.

(cue: 'Duel of the Fates' music)

All three men throw off their jackets simultaneously. A sword fight begins in the elevator. They fight all over the Titanic, ending up in the boiler room.

CAPTAIN JINN faints from the exertion. OBI-WAN ANDREWS delivers the killing blow.

R.M.S. TITANIC-GRAND STAIRCASE

Everyone on the Titanic is assembled. They are celebrating a newly found community built by the destruction of the British Shipowner-the root of all evil. Little do they know that the true evil one is right before their eyes.

FAR-FAR, JACKIE, OBI-WAN ANDREWS, CALPATINE and the rest of the first class stand on the stairs, looking down at the third class visitors.

DUKE YODA: Always two there are. The owner and the architect.

COLONEL MACE WINDU: But which was killed? The owner or the . . .

EVERYONE: (interrupting them) SHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

DUKE YODA and COLONEL MACE WINDU are embarrassed by their lack of manners. The Third-Class begin Irish Dancing on the first class staircase.

THIRD-CLASS FOREIGNERS: (singing) Ya Ya Ya! Ya Ya Ya! Ya Ya Ya Ya Ya!

Cut to . . .

R.M.S. TITANIC--BRIDGE

CAPTAIN JINN: It's like I said Murdoch Olie. Your focus determines your reality. You see I'm focusing on my tea and lemon!

MURDOCH OLIE: Yes. Tea, it's in your cup and lemon, it's in your tea.

CAPTAIN JINN smiles and walks away from the bridge.

MURDOCH OLIE: (talking to himself now) Hey look! I'm on the bridge! The bridge is near the front of the ship. It's where the captain goes when he wants to steer the ship. Our ship is the Titanic. The whole ship is one big floating city . . .

Cut to . . .

R.M.S. TITANIC-GRAND STAIRCASE

The party is getting louder. People are throwing confetti as they applaud the first-class on the stairs.

EVERYBODY: Ya Ya Ya!. Ya Ya Ya! Ya Ya Ya Ya Ya!

Cut to . . .

R.M.S TITANIC-CROW'S NEST

CAPTAIN JINN has wandered to the crow's nest.

FREDERICK FLEET: Sir, are you sure you should be up here?

CAPTAIN JINN: Don't worry, I'll be a great help to you. Don't you know how attuned I am to the Living Force? I can smell ice!

Cut to . . .

R.M.S.-TITANIC--BRIDGE

MURDOCH OLIE: Ice. It's cold. You can put it in a drink. Cold drinks are nice when it's really hot outside. But since it's not hot outside, maybe ice would be bad . . .

R.M.S. TITANIC-GRAND STAIRCASE

EVERYONE: Ya Ya Ya Ya!

CALPATINE is smirking. The first class all line up and smile at each other. Then they stand really still with their arms by their sides.

THE END

End Credits Song by Darth Sidious which makes no sense and is out of sequence with the plot:

"The Sith Will go On"

Every night in my dreams I see you, I strangle you, That is how I know we'll go on. Far across the distance and spaces between us I will come to show we'll go on. Near far, Wherever we are, I believe that the Sith will go on. Once more, you opened the door And you're here in my throne room And the Sith will go on and on.

Hate can touch you one time and last for a life-time And never let go till we're gone (spoken aside: unless you have an obnoxious son who keeps saying 'Let go of your hate') Hate was when I met you One true time, I killed you. In your life we'll always go on.

Dialogue over music: (Anakin's Voice) " I don't understand."

Near Far, Wherever we are I believe that the Sith will go on. Once more you opened the door, And you're here in my throne room And the Sith will go on and on.

Dialogue over music:

(Luke's Voice) "I have accepted that you were once Anakin Skywalker, my father."

(Darth Vader's Voice) "That name no longer has any meaning for me!"

(Luke's Voice) "I'm sorry. I meant to say that I have accepted you were once ANNIE Skywalker."

You're here There's much you should fear 'Cause I know that the Sith will go on We'll stay and melt you this way I'll impale you and your loved ones and The Sith will go on and on.

THE END