The Destroyer of Me

By Jackie Tupper

The destroyer comes down the line again. Here it comes, to make my life disappear. I can hide nowhere, go nowhere to get away from it. I can feel parts of me slipping away. My dreams forgotten, my future plans put aside to fight the destroyer. I'm losing the battle. Help me!

I reach out to family and friends. I get confused looks, and "get over it!" I search for soul mates on the Internet, and find understanding ... at last! I find I am not alone in this, that the destroyer has been a busy little beaver.

The destroyer has a feeling, of despair. Loneliness is a friend to the feeling. And hopelessness, worthlessness are close companions to these. I can't seem to shut them out. I don't eat, don't sleep, and can’t stop thinking about these horrible feelings. I'm being destroyed from the inside out.

The others say the destroyer has a name. It is actually a disease. But I don't feel sick; no fever, aches or pain in my body -- just my soul aches. I suffer in silence at work, afraid to lose my job. How can I tell them I'm so sad? They couldn't possibly understand. My life seems so together. I have a good job, a beautiful family, a house and car. What could I be depressed about? What could I be depressed about?!

Just when I think I'm feeling better, the destroyer comes back. It dumps more negative thoughts on me. It makes me feel so small and alone. I reach out to my family and friends. I still get looked at strangely. I cry for a while to let out some of the bad feelings; then I reach out to my new comrades on the battlefield. The battlefield of the destroyer. They reach back, through the airwaves, to make me feel like I am not alone, not going crazy, like someone does care.

I feel a little better, and can make it one more day. I make new plans, for a new future. There's help for fighting the destroyer, and I've decided to get it. I have to start with a physical, to find out what could cause these feelings...besides the destroyer. Then I have to choose my own ground for this battle. Choose the rules of this engagement. I will not back down. I may lose ground once in a while, but I will persevere and win this battle. That decision alone will bring me through this War.

I have to watch myself for warning signs, and when I see them, reach out for help. I have a support system that will make me a winner in the end. I have gained the support from my family through the help of my counselor, and the support of my friends in depression is a big plus. Those who are experienced in dealing with the destroyer have advice for me, and words of encouragement. With these as my weapons against the destroyer, I must surely win.

I go out to wage this war, with my support, and pray that I have the strength to win. With the prayers of my friends and family, I am bolstered and feel the strength surge in my veins. I have Hope. Hope for a life. Hope for love. Hope for relief…from the destroyer.