Always Alone

I saw her. She was sitting in the car, so peaceful, so serene until the streetlights hit her and I could see the tears streaming down her cheeks. I saw her. I thought that maybe she had lost someone, but her father was smiling and talking as happy as could be. I saw her, but I could not understand.

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The tears that so elegantly flowed down her cheeks glistened in the light. I knew that she cried often, but tried to keep it hidden. She was going to be nineteen this year. So young, too young I thought to be in the pain that she tried to hide. But she couldn't hide it from me, not anymore.

On many occasions I had taken her aside and told her what I saw, but she just blew it off and said it was no big deal. I knew differently. I saw her, and I did understand. I could see through her façade so well that she couldn't escape from me. And I caught her, when she wasn't able to resist, wasn't able to tell me nothing was wrong, because I caught her when she was sobbing silently in the night and she couldn't keep it to herself any longer.

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She glared at me and yelled at me because I wouldn't back down, but finally she gave up on trying to chase me away. And her heart poured out. Black and deep and utter despair at every turn, and I could really understand why she cried every night, why her heart ached as it did.

Though her pain was simple, it was complex as well. She finally confessed to me…"I need to be loved…cherished…held and to know that someone loves me completely…someone cares about me and will make love to me…without me feeling like I force myself upon them. I want to be needed…to be wanted, desired…but…I can't have any of these things…" and her last comment was merely a whisper. "I do not deserve them."

My heart broke for her that night, for this girl who wasn't even twenty. For this girl who was so cynical and full of heartache. For this child who couldn't understand why she didn't deserve love, but only knew that she didn't.

She sobbed silently, the secretiveness still ingrained into her mind. She whispered softly, "I want to be held…"

And it was then I couldn't take anymore, the desperation and despair in her voice was too much for me, and I was gone, leaving her alone. Then again, she was alone all the time, for I am just another voice in her mind.

Written on June 19th, 2004