I Can't Keep You

I played it safe. I made sure that no one knew how I was hurting inside. I didn't have a choice. Byron had made me into that. I could never get over him, it just wasn't a choice I had. It seemed that as of late, I was getting backed into a lot of decisions that I wished were different. Though, in the end, the heart wants what it wants, no? I remember that night. The night when all I wanted to do was hug him and hold him tight, to tell him that I wasn't mad anymore and that I was sorry. But I froze. All I could do was stand there.

He brought one of our, well, used to be our mutual friend until all the bullshit started to hit the fan. Now, she wasn't my friend at all, and the glares I got from her didn't make it any easier to talk. He seemed so very angry with me. I know that I wasn't the best girlfriend to him, but I had done my best to be at his side when he needed me.

He always complained that I never called him. He called me every day and it's kind of hard to call someone when they don't give you the chance. Then if he skipped a day, he would bitch me out about it the next because I didn't call him. I was never a phone person. I usually don't call unless I have big news to talk about. So, if you don't give me a couple days...I'm not going to call.

I had heard that he thought I always treated him badly. Now, like I said, I was never the best girlfriend, but anytime I could, I was with him. And I remember the night when I told him I had cut myself and instead of trying to help me, he merely got angry and threatened to leave me if I didn't instantly stop. So I lied and I told him I did stop...but I kept doing it.

Our mutual friend, Jessi, would constantly be on the phone with us. There were quite a few occasions when they would gang up on my ex, Nathan, who, as far as I knew back then, was a pretty cool guy. They would feed off of each other and I would defend him, because he was still my friend, and I do believe that if one of my other friends had started talking about Byron or Jessi that way, they would have wanted me to defend them. Byron always got pissed when I did that...always said that I cared more about Nathan than I did him, which was never true. It never could be true.

Byron was the first person I ever loved. Ever since elementary school, I loved him. I wanted to be able to protect him, and keep him safe...even though it was kind of strange. I remember him breaking down in front of my house because we had a fight, I remember holding him tightly and telling him it was okay. I remember kissing him and his smile was the best thing I could have ever hoped for.

But it doesn't matter now. That part of me is dead. I still love him, but I know that there is no hope for us. I can't take care of him like he should be taken care of, I can't provide what he wants anymore. But the instant that he ever thinks that I don't love him, and that if he ever needed anything, I wouldn't jump to help, he is wrong.

Jessi played us against each other, for whatever reason. And she was always feeding false lines to Byron. I can't ever forgive her for what she did, just like I can't ever forgive myself for believing some of it.

I never claimed to be the best, Byron. I only claimed to love you. And it was true.