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>
>Twinkies
>
>In an effort to clarify questions about the Twinkies' purported
>source of nutrition and food source, and to determine the
>durability and unusual physical characteristics of Twinkies, I
>subjected the Hostess snack logs to the following experiments.
>
>
>EXPOSURE
>
>A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for 4 days, during which
>time an inch and a half of rain fell.  Many flies were observed
>crawling across the Twinkie's surface, but contrary to the
>hypothesis, birds (even pigeons) avoided this potential source of
>substance.
>
>Despite the rain and prolonged exposure to the sun, the Twinkie
>retained its original color and form.  When removed, the Twinkie
>was found to be substantially dehydrated.  Cracked open, it was
>observed to have taken on the consistency of industrial foam
>insulation; the filling, however, retained its advertised
>"creaminess".
>
>
>RADIATION
>
>A Twinkie was placed in a conventional microwave oven, which was
>set for precisely 4 minutes (the approximate cooking time of
>bacon).  After 20 seconds, the oven began to emit the Twinkie's
>rich, characteristic aroma of artificial butter.  After one
>minute, this aroma began to resemble the acrid smell of burning
>rubber.  The experiment was aborted after 2 minutes and 10
>seconds when thick, foul smoke began billowing from the top of
>the oven.  A second Twinkie was subjected to the same experiment;
>this Twinkie leaked molten white filling.  When cooled, this now
>epoxy-like filling bonded the Twinkie to its plate, defying
>gravity: it was removed only upon application of a butter knife.
>
>
>EXTREME FORCE
>
>A Twinkie was dropped from a ninth-floor window, a fall of
>approximately 120 feet.  It landed right side up, then bounced
>onto its back.  The expected "splatter" effect was not observed.
>Indeed, the only discernible damage to the Twinkie was a narrow
>fissure on its underside; otherwise, the Twinkie remained
>structurally intact.
>
>
>EXTREME COLD
>
>A Twinkie was placed in a conventional freezer for 24 hours.
>Upon removal, the Twinkie was not found to be frozen solid, but
>its physical properties had noticeably "slowed".  The filling was
>found to be the approximate consistency of acrylic paint, while
>exhibiting the mercury-like property of not adhering to
>practically any surface.  It was noticed that the Twinkie had
>generously absorbed all of the freezers orders.
>
>
>EXTREME HEAT
>
>A Twinkie was exposed to a gas flame for 2 minutes.  While the
>Twinkie smoked and blackened and the filling in one of its "cream
>holes" boiled, the Twinkie did not catch fire.  It did, however,
>produce the same "burning rubber" aroma noticed in the radiation
>experiment.
>
>
>IMMERSION
>
>A Twinkie was dropped into a large bucket filled with water, the
>Twinkie floated momentarily, then began to list and sink.
>Viscous yellow tendrils ran off its lower half, possibly
>consisting of a water-soluble artificial coloring.
>
>After 2 hours, the Twinkie bloated substantially.  Its coloring
>was now a vary pale tan (in contrast to the yellow, urine-like
>water that surrounded it).  The Twinkie bobbed when touched, and
>had a gelatinous texture.  After 72 hours, the Twinkie had
>increased roughly 200 percent of its original size.  The water
>had turned opaque, and a small, fan-shaped spray of filling had
>leaked from one of the "cream holes". Unfortunately, efforts to
>remove the Twinkie for further analysis were abandoned when,
>under light pressure the Twinkie disintegrated into an amorphous
>cloud of debris.  A distinctly sour odor was noted.
>
>
>SUMMARY OF RESULTS
>
>The Twinkie's survival of a 120 foot drop, along with some of the
>unusual phenomena associated with the "creamy filling" and
>artificial coloring, should give pause to those observers who
>would unequivocally categorize the Twinkie as "food".  Further
>clinical inquiry is required before any definite conclusions can
>be drawn.