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Date: Mon, 21 Jul 1997 17:17:39 -0700 (PDT) From: Nicole Principe  Subject: someone send this to joy!
To: friends list -- Anne Marie Pease ,
        Elizabeth Healy ,
        hbs security ,
        Chris Briggs ,
        Claudette de Bruin ,
        "Daniel M. Cross" ,
        Jason Cormier ,
        Kelly Larson ,
        Matthew Akins , M Hynes ,
        Scott Rudich ,
        Stacey Panagotopulos ,
        Christopher Taggart  cc: jcalapai@delphi.com



Life Will Not Be Like Star Trek
 -------------------------------
.......................................................... 
Written by Scott Adams, published in "The Dilbert Future" by HarperBusiness.  Copyright United Media, 1997.  Please keep this 
notice
with the text if you forward it by e-mail. 
..........................................................
There are so many Star Trek(tm) spin-offs that it is easy to fool 
yourself into thinking that the Star Trek vision is an accurate vision
of the future. Sadly, Star Trek does not take into account the stupidity,
selfishness, and horniness of the average human being. 
Allow me to 
describe some of the more obvious errors in the Star Trek vision.
     
Medical Technology
 ------------------
On Star Trek, the doctors have handheld devices that instantly close 
any openings in the skin. Imagine that sort of device in the hands
of your unscrupulous friends. They would sneak up behind you and seal 
your ass shut as a practical joke. The devices would be sold in 
novelty
stores instead of medical outlets. All things considered, I'm happy 
that it's not easy to close other people's orifices.
     
Transporter
 -----------
It would be great to be able to beam your molecules across space and 
then reassemble them. The only problem is that you have to trust your 
co-worker to operate the transporter. These are the same people who 
won't add paper to the photocopier or make a new pot of coffee after 
taking the last drop. I don't think they'll be double-checking the 
transporter coordinates. They'll be accidentally beaming people into 
walls, pets, and furniture. People will spend all their time apologizing for having inanimate objects protruding from parts of 
their
bodies.
     
'Pay no attention to the knickknacks; I got beamed into a hutch 
yesterday.'
     
If I could beam things from one place to another, I'd never leave the 
house. I'd sit in a big comfy chair and just start beaming groceries, 
stereo equipment, cheerleaders, and anything else I wanted right into 
my
house. I'm fairly certain I would abuse this power. If anybody came 
to
arrest me, I'd beam them into space. If I wanted some paintings for 
my
walls, I'd beam the contents of the Louvre over to my place, pick out 
the
good stuff, and beam the rest into my neighbor's garage.
     
I'd never worry about 'keeping up with
the Joneses,' because as soon as they got something nice, it

would disappear right out of their hands. My neighbors would have 
to use milk crates for furniture. And that's only after I had all the milk crates I would ever need for the rest of my life. 
There's only one thing that could keep me from spending all my 
time wreaking havoc with the transporter: the holodeck.
     
Holodeck
 --------
For those of you who only watched the 'old' Star Trek, the holodeck 
can
create simulated worlds that look and feel just like the real thing. 
The
characters on Star Trek use the holodeck for recreation during breaks 
from work. This is somewhat unrealistic. If I had a holodeck, I'd 
close
the door and never come out until I died of exhaustion. It would be 
hard
to convince me I should be anywhere but in the holodeck, getting my 
oil
massage from Cindy Crawford and her simulated twin sister.
     
Holodecks would be very addicting. If there weren't enough holodecks 
to
go around, I'd get the names of all the people who had reservations 
ahead of me and beam them into concrete walls. I'd feel tense about 
it, but that's exactly why I'd need a massage.
     
I'm afraid the holodeck will be society's last invention.
     
Phasers
 -------
I would love to have a device that would stun people into unconsciousness without killing them. I would use it ten times 
a day. If I got bad service at the convenience store, I'd zap the clerk. If somebody with big hair sat in front of me at the theater, zap!
     
On Star Trek, there are no penalties for stunning people with phasers. 
It
happens all the time. All you have to do is claim you were possessed 
by
an alien entity. Apparently, that is viewed as a credible defense in 
the
Star Trek future. Imagine real criminals in a world where the 'alien 
possession' defense is credible.
     
Criminal:  Yes, officer, I did steal that vehicle, and
           I did kill the occupants, but I was possessed 
           by an evil alien entity.
     
Officer:         Well, okay. Move along.
     
I wish I had a phaser right now. My neighbor's dog likes to stand under my bedroom window on the other side of the fence 
and bark for hours at a time. My neighbor has employed the bold 
defense that he believes it might be another neighbor's dog, despite the fact that I am standing there looking at him barking only twenty feet away. In a situation like this, a phaser is really the best approach. I could squeeze off a clean 
shot through the willow tree. A phaser doesn't make much noise, 
so it wouldn't disturb anyone. Then the unhappy little dog and

I could both get some sleep. If the neighbor complains, I'll explain that the phaser was fired by the other neighbor's dog, a known troublemaker who is said to be invisible.
     
And if that doesn't work, a photon torpedo is clearly indicated.
     
Cyborgs
 -------
Given the choice, I would rather be a cyborg instead of 100 percent 
human. I like the thought of technology becoming part of my body. As 
a
human, I am constantly running to the toolbox in my garage to get a 
tool
to deal with some new household malfunction. If I were a cyborg, I 
might
have an electric drill on my arm, plus a metric socket set.
That 
would
save a lot of trips. From what I've seen, the cyborg concept is a 
modular
design, so you can add whatever tools you think you'd use most.
     
I'd love to see crosshairs appear in my viewfinder every time I looked 
at
someone. It would make me feel menacing, and I'd like that.
I'd 
program
myself so that anytime I saw a car salesman, a little message would 
appear in my viewfinder that said 'Target Locked On.'
     
It would also be great to have my computer built into my skull. That 
way
I could surf the Net during useless periods of life, such as when 
people
talk to me. All I'd have to do is initiate a head-nodding subroutine 
during boring conversations and I could amuse myself in my head all 
day
long.
     
I think that if anyone could become a cyborg, there would be a huge 
rush
of people getting in line for the conversion. Kids would like it for 
the
look. Adults would like it for its utility. Cyborg technology has

something for everyone. So, unlike Star Trek, I can imagine everyone 
wanting to be a cyborg.
     
     
Shields
 -------
I wish I had an invisible force field. I'd use it all the time, especially around people who spit when they talk or get too close to 
my
personal space. In fact, I'd probably need a shield quite a bit if I 
also
had a phaser to play with.
     
Long-Range Sensors
 ------------------
If people had long-range sensors, they would rarely use them to scan 
for
new signs of life. I think they would use them to avoid work.
You 
could
run a continuous scan for your boss and then quickly transport 
yourself
out of the area when he came near.
     
Vulcan Death Grip
 -----------------
Before all you Trekkies write to correct me, I know there is no such 
thing as a Vulcan Death Grip even in Star Trek. But I wish there 
were.
That would have come in handy many times. It would be easy to make 
the
Vulcan Death Grip look like an accident.
     
'I was just straightening his collar and he collapsed.'
     
I think the only thing that keeps most people from randomly killing 
other
citizens is the bloody mess it makes and the high likelihood of 
getting
caught. With the Vulcan Death Grip, it would be clean and virtually 
undetectable. Everybody would be killing people left and right.
You 
wouldn't be able to have a decent conversation at the office over the 
sound of dead co-workers hitting the carpet. The most common sounds 
in
corporate America would be, 'I'm sorry I couldn't give you a bigger 
raise, but . . . erk!'
     
And that's why the future won't be like Star Trek.

--------- End forwarded message ----------
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