This is an article by Dave Barry that recently appeared in "LEO" (The
Louisville Ecentric Observer)
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To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look
at the pathetic mess that you call your life. We'll start with your so-called
"financial records," which I'm guessing consist of a cardboard box marked
"TAXES" overflowing with random pieces of paper, including movie-ticket stubs
>from the original "Rocky."
I used to be disorganized like you. But now I have a computer, so
instead of an overflowing cardboard box marked "TAXES," I have an overflowing
cardboard box marked "QUICKEN."
"Quicken" is the name of a program I have on my computer that's supposed
to handle my finances. Unfortunately, before "Quicken" can do this, I have to
type all the information on my pieces of paper into the computer, and
"Quicken" is very snippy about the format. I cannot just type, "THIS IS
EITHER A TAX-DEDUCTIBLE RECEIPT OR A WAD OF POCKET LINT." No, "Quicken"
demands exact information, which is why I send all my financial records to a
guy named "Evan," who, unlike "Quicken," is able to work with very rough
estimates regarding dates, dollar amounts and total number of children.
NOTE TO THE INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE: I am of course just kidding, and
will personally vouch for the accuracy of every statement on my tax return,
including the one about using the Jet Ski exclusively for commuting.
But here is my point: By not entering financial information into
"Quicken," I have saved many hours of valuable time, which I am able to use
productively by playing "Hearts." This is a card game that you can play on a
computer. In the version I have, you play against three computerized
opponents which the computer labels "Anna," "Lynda" and "Terri." They are
vicious sluts and I hate them. I played Hearts against them for three solid
weeks, thinking I was winning every single game, always scoring WAY more
points than they did, marveling at the sheer stupidity of the decisions they
were making. Then I read the instructions.
IMPORTANT COMPUTER TIP - Never read the instructions.
It turns out that the object of Hearts is to score the lowest number of
points. So all the time I thought I was winning, Anaa, Lynda, and Terri were
actually snickering at me at a rate of 3.7 million snickers per second.
They are able to achieve these speeds thanks to the "microprocessor," a
tiny device inside the computer that can perfrom millions of complex
calculations almost instantaneously and come up with the wrong answer. At
least that's what sometimes happens with the newest and most advanced
microprocessor, the "Pentium," which has a flaw that causes mathematical
errors. Also it believes that Tokyo is the capital of Vermont. Also, when
you play Hearts with it, it sometimes tells you to "go fish." This is the
computer that handles the federal budget.
I'm not saying that the only reason you need a personal computer is to
play games. Once you become experienced, you might also be able to use your
computer to activate the Rome Lab Snowball Cam. This device was developed by
a computer engineer named Scott Gregory, who works at an Air Force facility in
New York called the Rome Laboratory, which deals with high-tech information
and surveillance technology. It's also part of something called the World
Wide Web, which is sort of an advanced verson of the Internet, an
international network of tens of thousands of computer users who are
constantly using their combined brainpower to think up fantastically
innovative ways to waste time.
The Snowball Cam is a video camera located in the Rome Lab and hooked
into the World Wide Web. Web users can use their computers to look through
this camera and order it to "throw" a simulated "snowball" at engineers in the
lab. The camera puts a white circle on the screen to show you what you "hit."
Gregory set the Snowball Cam up in December. ("I considered doing a
Disgruntled Postal Worker Cam," he told me, "but that didn't seem like the
holiday spirit.") Since then, more than 1,500 snowballs have been thrown by
people all over the world.
But my point is that, if you don't have a computer, and you wish to throw
snowballs at military surveillance personnel, you must do so in person,
thereby greatly increasing your risk of being eaten by professional Air Force
dogs.
And if THAT doesn't convince you, consider this: According to Bill
Barker, the alert reader who told me about the Snowball Cam, you can also use
a computer to find out, from anywhere on the planet:
-exactly how much coffee is in a certain machine at Cambridge University
in England;
-exactly how many sodas are available in certain vending machines at
certain major universities;
-and much, much more.
This is the kind of vital information you could access to if you owned a
computer, which is why I urge you to purchase one today, ideally an advanced
model such as mine, which, thanks to its state-of-the-art Pentium
microprocessor, enabled me to check the spelling on every word in this column
in under five sekonds.
NOTE TO COMPUTER GEEKS: For more information on the Snowball Cam, you
can contact the Rome Lab at this e-mail address: webwww.rl.af.mil. The
Secret Military Password is "booger."