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THINGS THE CREW OF THE ENTERPRISE DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW ABOUT THEM

*	Worf is scared of the dark.

*	Captain Picard feels that he is a woman trapped in a man's body.

*	Riker is a repressed homosexual who has to have a long succession
of meaningless one-night stands because he can't come to terms with his
true feelings.

*	Guinan can't watch Jumping Jack Flash without cringing.

*	Counsellor Troi stuffs her bra.

*	Ensign Ro has all the Chipmunks albums.

*	Geordi is fully aware that his VISOR looks really, really silly.

*	Data doesn't know how to spell 'positronic'.

*	Captain Picard borrows Dr Crusher's wig on weekends.

*	No-one, but no-one, knows quite why Data wears a gold uniform.

*	Barclay has a secret crush on Lwaxana Troi.

*	Nurse Ogawa's child is really Barclay's from an extra-marital affair.

*	Riker's beard is glued on.

*	Ro isn't really Bajoran, but is very conscious of what happens
when you pull a face and the wind changes.

*	Ensign Gates never moves from the conn chair because Wesley
Crusher covered it with chewing gum, and now she's stuck.

*	All of Riker's massive poker winnings get blown on child support.

*	Jack Crusher isn't really dead - Dr Crusher has him in her attic
in a box with his arms and legs amputated.


THINGS THE POPULATION OF DEEP SPACE NINE DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW ABOUT THEM

* Dr Julian graduated second in his final year at the academy, but failed
all the previous ones.

* The most valued and used substance in Chief O'Brien's tool kit is blu-tac.

* Jadzia and Dax want a divorce.

* The big mystery of Odo's existence is that he was a packet of Aeroplane
Jelly that was dropped into a nuclear reactor and mutated.

* Major Kira secretly dreams of picking that baseball up off Sisko's desk
and ramming it down his throat.

* All the clothes in Garak's boutique are last year's styles.

* The Defiant a cloaked vessel? Uh-uh. There are actually twenty little
Romulans who get out and quickly paint the ship black whenever the button
is pressed.

* Has anyone ever seen Major Kira and Ensign Ro from the Enterprise in
the same place at the same time?

* Nog and Jake once placed a tack on Keiko's chair, and she sat on it.
Keiko gave no reaction, and the boys couldn't find the tack again later...

* When no-one's around, Sisko wanders around his quarters saying, 'Make it so.'

* Major Kira sometimes goes for a little cry in her quarters because half
of the station fancies Lieutenant Dax and the best she can do is a priest.

* Rom spits in the drinks.

* Quark knows this and charges double.

* Odo has a picture of himself and Mrs Troi stuck in the turbolift hidden
in his desk.


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|      'Normal is what everyone else is, and you are not.'                   |
|                                                      - Dr Tolian Soran     |
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|    Urac 'Ratbat' Sigma, E-mail me on u962986@student.canberra.edu.au       |
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