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>     "For my 55th birthday this year my wife purchased me a week of 
private 
>     lessons at the local health club.  Though still in great shape 
from a 
>     when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it 
was 
>     a good idea to go ahead and try it.  I called and made 
reservations 
>     with someone named Tanya, who said hse was a 26 year old aerobics 
>     instructor and athletic clothing model.  My wife seemed very 
pleased 
>     with how enthusiastic I was to get started.  She suggested I keep 
an 
>     "exercise diary" to chart my progress.
>     
>     Day 1:  Started the morning at 6:00am.  Tough to get up, but worth 
it 
>     when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me.  
She's 
>     something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white 
smile.  
>     She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on 
the 
>     treadmill.  She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I 
>     think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about 
ten 
>     points.  Enjoyed watching the aerobics class.  Tanya was very 
>     encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching 
a 
>     little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her.  
This 
>     is going to be GREAT!
>     
>     Day 2:  Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I 
made 
>     it.  Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up 
in 
>     the air.  Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake!  Legs 
were a 
>     little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it for a full mile.  
Her 
>     smile made it all worthwhile.  Muscles all feel GREAT!
>     
>     Day 3:  The only way I could brush my teeth is by laying the 
>     toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over 
it.  
>     I am certain that i have developed a hernia.  Driving was ok as 
long 
>     as I didn't try to steer..  I parked on top of a Volkswagon.  
Tanya 
>     was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering 
the 
>     other club members.  The treadmill hurt my chest, so I did the 
stair 
>     monster.  Why would anyone invent such a machine to simulate an 
>     activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators?  Tanya 
told 
>     me regular exercise would make me live longer.  I can't imagine 
>     anything worse.
>     
>     Day 4:  Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in full 
snarl. 
>      I can't help it if I was a half an hour late. It took me that 
long 
>     just to tie my shoes.  She wanted me to lift dumbbells.  Not a 
chance 
>     Tanya.  The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason.  I hid in 
the 
>     men's room until she sent Lars looking for me.  As punishment she 
me 
>     try the rowing machine.  It sank.
>     
>     Day 5:  I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any 
>     other human being in the history of the world.  If there was any 
part 
>     of my body not in extreme pain, I would hit her with it.  She 
thought 
>     it would be a good idea to work on my triceps.  Well I have news 
for 
>     Tanya, I don't have any triceps.  And if you don't want any dents 
on 
>     the floor, don't hand me any barbells,  I refuse to accept any 
>     responsibility for the damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are 
to 
>     blame.  The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which 
hurt 
>     like crazy.  Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a 
music 
>     teacher, or a social studies teacher?
>     
>     Day 6:  Got Tanya's message on my answering maching wondering 
where I 
>     am.  I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched 
eleven 
>     straight hours of the weather channel.
>     
>     Day 7:  Well, that;s the week.  Thank goodness that's over.  Maybe 
>     next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like a 
>     gift certificate for a root canal.