How to get Electric Power from Hamsters
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o Stick copper and zinc electrode-needles in opposite ends of
hamster. Use in series for higher voltage.
o Go to Radio Chack and offer them the hamster in exchange for two
AAA batteries.
o Attach the hamster to a hand-crank generator and then drop it
onto a trampoline.
o Ignite in large numbers. Use heat released to drive steam
turbine.
o Kidnap and threaten to torture. Extort ransom from animal-rights
activists and other anti-cruelty types: demand payment in the
form of electric current.
o Drop large numbers of hamsters into tar pit, wait a few million
years, drill for crude oil at same location to run electric
turbine.
o Cold Fusion -> Steam Turbine. No explanation necessary.
o Any form of neutron capture / beta emission.
o Convince hamsters they're really lemmings. Show cliff to
hamsters. Install turbine halfway down cliff.
o Put hamster on electricity-generating treadmill. Feed back small
portion of generated electricity into hamster brain pleasure
center. Watch him generate his little heart out!
o Seal large quantity of hamsters in air tight holding tanks. Add
water. Allow suitable time to pass for decomposition. Collect
methane gas resulting. Put gas in fuel cells.
o Skin hamster. Melt animal fat into tallow and then form candles.
Heat steam turbine.
o Accumulate enough hamsters so that the self-gravitational force
causes the mass to shrink and heat up. Use thermocouples to
generate energy.
o Raid electric utilities corporate headquarters. Threaten to drop
hamster down CEO's pants unless he gives you a power plant.
o Get several dozen hamsters. Shoot them up with crystal meth.
Attach dog sled.
o (This is, undoubtedly, the way to get the most power from them)
Combine the hamster with an equal mass of antimatter -- a
anti-hamster if you will. Then harness the massive energy release
for power....
o a. Find a _good_ genetic engineer. b. Splice appropriate genes
from electric eels into hamsters, because they're smaller and
cuter and, well, hamsters. c. Feed the hamsters. d. Surgically
install appropriate electrodes. e. Periodically drain off the
voltage. Unfortunately, this only gets you DC current. P.S. How
could I have been so blind? Splice in genes from blue-green algae
as well, and you wouldn't even have to feed the hamsters! (Well,
maybe some posphorous and iron and stuff)
o Mail the electric company a dead hamster every day until they
give you power for free.
o Crossbreed hamster with Mothra and use resulting giant mutant
lightning- breathing hamster as power source.
o Give the hamster to Scotty, he'll find some way to yeild 20% more
powermore power from the little bugger.
o Take thousands of hamsters into orbit -- when the orbit decays,
they will heat up the atmosphere. With enough hamsters, you could
raise the planets temperature as much as you want.
o Emmass enormous quantities of hamsters until it reaches enough
mass to begin hamsterfusion in the core. Use solar cells to
convert radioation to electricity.
o Throw in more hamsters (see above) until the hamsterstar goes
supernova... you couldn't want any more energy than that...
o Repeat above with another mass of hamsters... spin the resulting
neutron-hamsters around each other in a binary orbit... use
gravity waves to rotate turbine.
o Take five or six hits of acid. Tell yourself very firmly that
hamsters _are_ electricity. (Well, they've got lots of electrons
in them, yes?) Acquire hamsters however you choose;
"operationally", you've now got electricity. (I say "five or six
hits", because I find that things which were perfectly clear to
me after ONE hit make absolutely no sense afterwards, e.g., that
the word "Krups" is actually an onomatopeiac piece of German
slang for an unprintable Viennese practice, besides Leary used to
take five hits or so. QED.)
o Give them little magnetic collars, and run them through a maze of
coiled wires.
o Take two hamsters, run one through a klein bottle to convert it
to anti- matter. Combine the first hamster with the anti-hamster.
Harness the resultant massive burst of energy.
o Drop hamster into black hole. Use photovoltaics to release the
radiated energy.
o Put female hamster scent on glass rod. Release male hamster. He
will try to rub his furry coat against glass rod. Drawback: only
creates static electricty.
Text file Source (historic): geocities.com/garrison27
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