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                   Dealing With Jerks

 I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to
 make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying,
 "Hello?"

 I politely said, "This is John Reiner and could I please speak to
 Robin Bishop?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't
 believe that anyone could be that rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had
 transposed the last two digits.

 After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying
 there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person
 once more answered, I yelled "You're a jerk!" and hung up.

 Next to his phone number I wrote the word "Jerk," and put it in my
 desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had
 a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and then I'd yell,
 "You're a jerk!" It would always cheer me up.

 Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a
 real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jerk.

 Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice,
 "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is Joe with the telephone company
 and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID
 program?"

 He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back
 and said, "That's because you're a jerk!"

 And the reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you
 how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can  something
 about it.

 Just dial 742-4522.

 Part 2

 This old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the
 parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally her
 car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the
 stall. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull
 out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving.

 All of a sudden this black Camaro come flying up the parking isle in
 the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my
 horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!"

 The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked
 toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me.

I thought to myself, this guy's a jerk, there's sure a lot of jerks in
this world. I noticed he had a For Sale sign in the back window of his car.
I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

 A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just
 gotten off the phone after calling 742-4522 and yelling, "You're a
 jerk!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on
 speed dial).

 I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on
 my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.

 After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I
 said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

 "Yes it is."

 "Can you tell me where I can see it?"

 "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the
 car's parked right out front."

 I said, "What's your name?"

 "My name is Don Hansen."

 "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

 "I'm home in the evenings."

 "Listen Don, can I tell you something?"

 "Yes."

 "Don, you're a jerk!" And I slammed the phone down.

 After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a
 while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I
have two jerks to call. Then after several months of calling the jerks and
 hanging up on them, the whole thing started to seem like an obligation.
 It just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.

 I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution.
 First, I had my phone dial Jerk #1. A man answered nicely saying,

 "Hello."

I yelled "You're a jerk!" But I didn't hang up.

 The jerk said, "Are you still there?"

 I said, "Yeah.."

 He said, "Stop calling me."

 I said, "No."

 He said, "What's your name, Pal?"

 I said, "Don Hansen."

 "Where do you live?"

 "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's
 parked out front."

 "I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your
 prayers."

 "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jerk!" and I hung up.

 Then I called Jerk #2

 He answered, "Hello."

 I said, "Hello, Jerk!"

 He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

 "You'll what?"

 "I'll kick your butt."

 "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now

 Jerk!" And I hung up.

 Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them
 a big gang fight was going down at 1802 West 34th Street. After that I
 climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole
 thing.

 I turned onto 34th Street and parked my car under the shade of a tree
 half a block from Jerk #2's house. There were two guys fighting out
 front. Suddenly there were about 12 police cars and a helicopter.

 The police wrestled the two men to the ground and took them away.

 A couple of months go by and I get a call for jury duty. I was picked
to be on a trial of two guys charged with disorderly conduct...