 
 
Begin forwarded message:
 
Date: Fri, 19 Jan 1996 14:57:31 -0800 (PST)
From: Alison Noble 
To: Benj , adkrause@ucdavis.edu,
        Julian , Reba ,
        Em Torok ,
        Chiquita Anita! ,
        Steve Magneson 
Subject: Of Lawyers and Churches (fwd)
Mime-Version: 1.0
Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII
 
Some of these are old, but some I hadn't heard before.  Hope you
enjoy
 
them.
 
 
 
> LAWYERS SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS
>
 
>
 
>>From the Salt Lake Tribune:
>
 
>  "Lawyers typically aren't funny -- unless by accident.
>  Case in point: The following questions from lawyers were
>  taken from official court records nationwide...
>
 
>  1)  Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
>
 
>  2)  Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person
>      dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes
>      quietly away and doesn't know anything about it
>      until the next morning?
>
 
>  3)  Q: What happened then?
>      A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because
>         you can identify me.'
>      Q: Did he kill you?
>
 
>  4)  Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
>
 
>  5)  The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
>
 
>  6)  Were you alone or by yourself.
>
 
>  7)  How long have you been a French Canadian?
>
 
>  8)  Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
>
 
>  9)  Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize
>         that picture.
>      A: That's me.
>      Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
>
 
>  10) Were you present in court this morning when you were
>      sworn in?
>
 
>  11) Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage
>         terminated?
>      A: By death.
>      Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
>
 
>  12) Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
>      A: I'll be three months on November 8.
>      Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was
>         August 8?
>      A: Yes.
>      Q: What were you doing at that time?
>
 
>  13) Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally
>         stable?
>      A: I used to be.
>      Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
>
 
>  14) So you were gone until you returned?
>
 
>  15) Q: She had three children, right?
>      A: Yes.
>      Q: How many were boys?
>      A: None.
>      Q: Were there girls?
>
 
>  16) You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what
>      it looked like, but can you describe it?
>
 
>  17) Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
>      A: Yes.
>      Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
>
 
>  18) Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
>      A: Not yet.
>
 
>  19) A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of
>      unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself
>      and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next
>      question."
>
 
>  20) Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you
>         examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose
>         Chapel?
>      A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about
>         8:30 p.m.
>      Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that
>         correct?
>      A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the
>         table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
>
 
>
 
> ===========================================
>
 
>
 
> CHURCHES SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS...
>
 
>
 
> - - -- These are ACTUAL announcements from ACTUAL church
> bulletins.
>
 
> 1.  Don't let worry kill you --let the church help.
>
 
> 2.  Thursday night -Potluck supper.  Prayer and medication to
> follow.
>
 
> 3.  Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
> community.
>
 
> 4.  For those of you who have children and don't know it, we
> have a nursery downstairs.
>
 
> 5.  The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the
> birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
>
 
> 6.  This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and
> North ends of the church.  Children will be baptized at both ends.
>
 
> 7.  Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social.  All
> ladies giving milk will please come early.
>
 
> 8.  Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet.  Mrs. Johnson will
> sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
>
 
> 9.  Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little
> Mothers Club.  All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet
with the
> Pastor in his study.
>
 
> 10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come
> forward and lay an egg on the altar.
>
 
> 11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water."  One of
> the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will
join
> in.
>
 
> 12.  Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray
> the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on
the new
carpet
> will come forward and do so.
>
 
> 13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every
> kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
>
 
> 14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church
> hall. Music will follow.
>
 
> 15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be
> "What is Hell?"  Come early and listen to our choir practice.
 
>
 
>
 
>
 
>
>
>
>
>
Text file Source (historic): geocities.com/garrison27

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