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Jackie Mason on Starbucks

You want coffee in a coffee shop, that's 60 cents. But at 
Starbucks, Cafe Latte: $3.50. Cafe Creamier: $4.50. Cafe Suisse: $9.50. For each French 
word, another four dollars. Why does a little cream in coffee make it worth 
$3.50?  

Go into any coffee shop; they'll give you all the cream you want until 
you're blue in the face. Forty-million people are walking around in coffee 
shops with jars of cream: "Here's all the cream you want!" And it's still 60 
cents. You know why? Because it's called "coffee." If it's Cafe Latte -- 
$4.50. You want cinnamon in your coffee? Ask for cinnamon in a coffee shop; 
they'll give you all the cinnamon you want. Do they ask you for more money because 
it's cinnamon? It's the same price for cinnamon in your coffee as for coffee without 
cinnamon -- 60 cents, that's it. But not in Starbucks.  Over there, it's Cinnamonnier -- $9.50. 

You want a refill in a regular coffee shop, they'll give you all the refills you want until
you drop dead. You can come in when you're 27 and keep drinking coffee until you're 98. And
they'll start begging you: "Here, you want more coffee, you want more, you want more?"
Do you know that you can't get a refill at Starbucks? A refill is a dollar fifty. Two refills, 
$4.50. Three refills, $19.50. So, for four cups of coffee -- $35.00. And it's burnt coffee. 

It's burnt coffee at Starbucks, let's be honest about it. If you get burnt coffee in a coffee
shop, you call a cop. You say, "It's the bottom of the pot. I don't drink from the bottom of 
the pot." But when it's burnt at Starbucks, they say, "Oh, it's a blend. It's a blend. It's a 
special bean from Argentina..." The bean is in your head.  

And there're no chairs in those Starbucks. Instead, they have these high stools. You ever see
these stools? You haven't been on a chair that high since you were two. Seventy-three year old
Jews are climbing and climbing to get to the top of the chair. And when they get to the top, 
they can't even drink the coffee because there's 12 people around one little table, and 
everybody's saying, "Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me..." 
Then they can't get off the chair. Old Jews are begging Gentiles, "Mister, could you 
get me off this?"
  
Do you remember what a cafeteria was? In poor neighborhoods all over this country, they went 
to a cafeteria because there were no waiters and no service. And so poor people could save 
money on a tip. Cafeterias didn't have regular tables or chairs either. They gave coffee to
you in a cardboard cup. So because of that you paid less for the coffee. You got less, so 
you paid less.
    
It's all the same at Starbucks -- no chairs, no service, a cardboard cup for your 
coffee -- except in Starbucks, the less you get, the more it costs. By the time they give
you nothing, it's worth four times as much. Am I exaggerating? Did you ever try to buy a 
cookie in Starbucks? Buy a cookie in a regular coffee shop. You can tear down a building with
that cookie. And the whole cookie is 60 cents. At Starbucks, you're going to have to hire a 
detective to find that cookie, and it's $9.50. And you can't put butter on it because they want
extra.
    
Do you know that if you buy a bagel, you pay extra for cream cheese in Starbucks? Cream cheese,
another 60 cents. A knife to put it on, 32 cents.  If it reaches the bagel, 48 cents. That
bagel costs you $312. And they don't give you the butter or the cream cheese. They don't give it
to you. They tell you where it is. "Oh, you want butter? It's over there. Cream cheese?  
Over here. Sugar? Sugar is here." Now you become your own waiter. You walk around with a tray.
"I'll take the cookie. Where's the butter? The butter's here. Where's the cream cheese?
The cream cheese is there." You walked around for an hour and a half selecting items, and then 
the guy at the cash register has a glass in front of him that says "Tips." You're waiting on 
tables for an hour, and you owe him money.

Then there's a sign that says please clean it up when you're finished. They don't give you a 
waiter or a busboy. Now you've become the janitor. Now you have to start cleaning up the place. 
Old Jews are walking around cleaning up Starbucks. "Oh, he's got dirt too? Wait, I'll clean 
this up." They clean up the place for an hour and a half. If I said to you, "I have a great 
idea for a business. I'll open a whole new type of a coffee shop. A whole new type.  Instead
of 60 cents for coffee I'll charge $2.50, $3.50, $4.50, and $5.50.  Not only that, I'll have no 
tables, no chairs, no waiter, no busboy, and you'll clean it up for 20 minutes after you're
finished."  Would you say to me, "That's the greatest idea for a business I ever heard! 
We can open a chain of these all over the world!" No, you would put me right into a sanitarium.
Starbucks can only get away with it because they have French titles for everything, Nazi 
bastard sons-of-a-bitches. And I say this with the highest respect, because I don't like to
talk about people.