>TIPS FOR NORTHENERS MOVING TO THE SOUTH > >1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later >how to use >it. > >2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as >"Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being >right. > >3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. >Stay home the two days of the year it >snows. > >4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in >the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain >will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their >way.This is what they live >for. > >5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same >store. > >6. Do not buy food at the movie store. > >7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking,let >alone eating. > >8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All >y'all's" is plural >possessive. > >9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern >accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent. > >10. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you? > >11. People walk slower here. > >12. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't >understand you, either. > >13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted >Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' >truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern >influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in >denial about it. > >14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer >proper. > >15. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here. > >16. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the >last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down. > >17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay >out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say. > >18. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those >who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern >license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was >purchased. > >19. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their >car's windshiel that comes from yelling at other drivers. > >20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait >until November. > >21. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the >most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the >local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the >store, it is just something you're supposed to >do. > >22. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you >purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. >This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more >than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed. > >23. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in >common. In either case, you know someone is fixin' to lose them a >trailer. > >24. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more >Yankees than Southerners living there. > >25. In southern churches you will hear the hymn, "All Glory, Laud >and Honor". You will also hear expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy", >"Good Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, >Laudy". > >26. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, >directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to >drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper >speed and lane position for the >vehicle. > >27. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already >know the positions of key hills, trees, rocks, and where buildings used >to stand, you're better off trying to find it >yourself. > >
Text file Source (historic): geocities.com/garrison27
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