1. Never trust men in dark helmets.
2. It really isn't necessary to be fluent in over 6 million
forms of communication.
3. When all else fails....jump!
4. Before kissing ANYBODY, make sure they're not related to you (unless
you're W.Va).
5. Sometimes, you've just gotta do something that seems totally suicidal.
6. If you are a young hero, nothing can kill you.
7. Always check the background of people you want to get intimately involved
with, they may be your relatives.
8. You may have family members in surprisingly high positions.
9. Before you kill someone make sure they aren't your father.
9a. ...and be sure to teach your children proper English.
10. Never trust a strange computer terminal. (ESB)
11. Know the difference between power socket and a computer terminal. (ESB)
12. Judge someone not by their size.
13. No matter how tasty that hunk of meat looks on that pole on that forest
moon, don't grab it; it's probably a trap.
14. Cute, cuddly, widdle teddy bears usually will eat you alive unless you
can prove you're a god.
15. Never stand on a trapdoor leading to a Rancor pit.
16. No disintegrations.
17. Fire on a rebel base -before- they blow up your space station.
18. Don't assume a senior citizen is weak and frail; they may zap you with
lightning bolts.
19. Never, never, never underestimate the power of the Dark Side
20. You will find many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on
our own point of view
21. No matter how deeply one falls into darkness, there is always
hope for redemption
22. Just when you think there is no more hope, alas, there is one
more.
23. Never judge a "piece of junk" spaceship from the outside. More
often than not, "she's got it where it counts."
24. Beware of judging someone else's beliefs as just a "hokey religion."
You just may end up eating those words.
25. Never buy anything from a short, hooded, smelly guy.
26. It's never my fault.
27. Never judge anything by its size.
28. There are those who are less forgiving than Darth Vader.
29. It's not a lie, it's just someone else's point of view.
30. Always let a Wookie win.
31. Never cast your lightsaber away, you just might need it (RotJ)
32. It not a good idea to follow up on a vision while meditating (ESB)
33. Nothing is ever to small to get away from you (R2 in ANH)
34. Whining about something never helps (Toshi Station in ANH)
35. Taking your droids to a bar will only arouse suspision (ANH)
36. Don't leave your food out for others to eat (ESB)
37. Don't attempt to handcuff someone larger than you (Chewie in ANH)
38. It is not always neccessary to ignore the annoying (3PO in ESB)
39. Always pay off your debts in a hurry (RotJ)
40. If your in it just for the money, you might blow your chances with the
princess (AHN)
41. It pointless to argue with family members (Owen in ANH)
42. In negotiations, a thermal detonator can come in handy (RotJ)
43. Be cautious of "friends" offering refreshments (ESB)
44. If some yells out "It's a trap!" then believe them (ESB)
45. DON'T go in no CAVES!
46. Watch your hands when swordfighting.
47. Short green guys with big ears can be more than they seem.
48. Wading around in a pool of garbage is infinitely more preferable to
getting killed.
49. Electricity really *hurts*.
50. The most important part of your spaceship is the hyperdrive.
51. Maybe we SHOULD listen to the protocol droid just this once...
52. Pay your debts on time, you can't always kill the bill
collector.
53. Walk in single file to hide your numbers.
54. When buying used appliances make sure they've been totally
mind wiped..er.. reconditioned.
55. When wearing stormtrooper armor, remember to make sure the door's completely
open before going through it.
56. Trust yourself.
57. Never tell someone the odds!
58. Never allow yourself to become as clumsy as you are stupid.
59. Always accept apologies.
60. When offered promotion under duress, it might be wise to make like a tree
and get outta there!
61. Never trust a spokesman for an alcoholic malt beverage. (Or: Don't trust
people who appear in Colt .45 commercials.)
62. Hokey religions just might be a good substitute for a blaster at your
side
63. Never let your friend know if you're having problems with
your droid.
64. Never assume that carbonating someone is "all too easy".
65. Never tell strange creatures in a bar that you'll be careful.
66. Just when you think you're ready, you hit your head.
67. When you protest about the terms of an agreement, the terms
might be altered further.
68. You never know what a day is gonna bring....
69. After spending several months in deep-frost, your vision will be blurry
70. When in doubt, follow the garbage
71. Size matters not (now there's one you can use in real life!)
72. Never underestimate a teddy-bear
73. "Try not. Do or do not. There is no try."
74. "Mind what you have learned, save you it can."
75. Even if it's a great shot, don't get cocky.
76. Don't intimidate, annoy, or otherwise attack any kind of old man, or his
friends, who has what appears to be a flashlight hanging from his waist (ANH)
77. Never build a secret base in cold, arctic regions (ESB)
78. Be prepared for things to go wrong (Mainly ROTJ, but probably the other
movies too)
79. Never let a protocol droid try to fix your ship!!!!
80. Never Trust a strange computer.
81. You'll always have a bad feeling about somethiing
82. Don't park in asteroids
83. Bacta cures all
84. Don't try to make friends via the Death Star com-link (Han Solo only)
85. Never proclaim your "moment of triumph" before it actually happens
86. If "the Force is strong in this one" and you're not, BACK OFF!
87. The targeting computer is really a worthless piece of junk compared to
the force
88. The Dark Side is never irrevocable (ask Darth, Mara, and Kyp)
89. Never say "watch this" when dealing with a hyperdrive
90. When bragging about how fast your car is, tell how many "kilometers"
you did the DC run in.....
91. Always change the negative power coupling before going on long space
voyages.
92. Remember to TURN ON YOUR COMLINK!!!!
93. Don't shoot out the controls to a bridge BEFORE you cross the bridge
(stupid farm boy!!!!!!)
94. Don't kiss a woman before you find out if she's your sister or not
95. Never tell a teacher who's been teaching for 800 years who to
teach and who not to teach.
96. "It's not my fault!!!"
97. Don't ever fake left, you'll lose a hand
98. If you want to keep your friends warm, shove them inside a dead animal!!
99. Never leave tools hanging over a friends head unless the ship is parked.
100. If a droid sneaks up on you while you're kissing a princess, ignore him.
101. When parking your spaceship, make sure you aren't in the stomach of a
huge worm-like monster.
102. If all else fails, angle the deflector shields.
103. Never buy droids.
104. If you ever buy droids, make sure they have a good motivator
105. If a R2 unit proves to have a bad motivator, do not buy another one
106. If you really have to buy one, then do NOT remove his restraining bolt
107. If, in spite of all that, you have removed the restraining bolt, then
you will have to learn the ways of the Force and become a Jedi like your
father (even if you only wanted to be a mere space pilot)
108. Guys in black are bad guys
109. Guys in white can also be bad guys (in this case, they are called
stormtroopers)
110. Beware of transparent or holographic persons, they will always cause you
trouble ("This droid must be safely delivered to Alderaan", "You will go
to the Dagobah system", "The son of Skywalker must not become a Jedi", ...)
111. Watch out for those trees.
112. After toppling an altrustic democracy, seizing control of the military,
and establishing yourself as supreme dictator, it's a good idea to invest
in helmets that your troops can see through.
113. Always duck after throwing someone down a ventilation shaft.
114. If you run a military academy, go over how to deal with small, furry
opponents.
115. Don't jump down garbage chutes.
116. If your father's clothes creak when he walks, be diplomatic in his
presence.
117. If you've "always know" that she's your sister, you should really try
not to touch her like that. For that matter, don't French your brother.
118. Don't engage in physical displays of affection with tall, hairy people
who could rip you limb from limb and who get over-enthusiastic.
119. The hard part of a jail-break is getting out; plan for it.
120. Always look for trap doors when consulting with a crime lord in his
own house.
121. Whining about power converters makes you look like an idiot.
122. Don't buy used machinery from people dressed in rags, you never know
who might come looking for it.
123. Don't trust people who brag about the speed of their vehicle to be
subtle, and don't trust them with your sister, either.
124. NEVER do a Christmas special.
125. If you teach out of a swamp, you can't expect too much in the way of
tuition.
126. People who are "more machine now than human, evil and twisted" set
a pretty sparse table.
127. If you're idea of penetrating the enemy's defenses is allowing yourself
to be captured and attacking during your execution, you should probably
seek the advice of someone who's survived longer.
128. If somebody cuts your hand off, don't trust him to betray his boss for
you.
129. Young men should be wary of getting involved with crazy, old hermits who
like to be called "Master."
130. Dead animals usually smell worse on the INSIDE
131. If you find Banthas, don't stick around to see where their riders are.
132. Cold weather can cause one to hallucinate.
133. Don't go chasing falling meteors.
134. Make sure you always see where your enemies hands are (Greedo in ANH)
135. Blowing on a torch will not put it out.
136. Don't stick around to watch a fight (Luke in ESB)
137. Droids don't taste good.
138. Don't use technology you don't understand (Ewoks w/ AT-ST, speeder bike)
139. No matter how protected you are, falling rocks will still hurt.
140. When following a roguish space pirate into the east corridor (or
wherever), step onto a plank when he stops to listen to you so you'll be
a little taller.
141. Always carry a thermal detonator when bargaining with a Hutt.
142. Never trust strangers to fix the hyperdrive on your freighter.
143. Never assume that that ship you just tractored into your
space station is empty, just because your sensors say so.
144. When the people around you are getting shot, it's usually an
indication that the guys shooting are bad guys. (take a look at the
reactions of the troopers in the cell bay in ANH)
145. Never try to rationalize strategy with an Ewok. Next thing
you know, they'll steal a speeder bike. Sure, it distracts the
guards, but it takes away from you sneaking in real quiet-like.
146. Never chain a rebel to you and then take your eyes off her;
she may throttle you.
147. Aim your crippled fighter at the nearest Super Star Destroyer's bridge.
148. Never assume responsibility if it means you're likely to be choked to
death.
149. That green glop your aunt serves you at dinner is good for you (ANH).
150. Don't talk to strangers in a dark room: they may have blasters, and are
looking to not be found (ESB).
151. Pray Lord Vader doesn't alter a deal any further than he already has.
Chances are he will, but arguing is a good way to get you killed.
152. When someone tells you you're walking into a trap... believe them.
153. When your Tauntaun smells something, it's usually a good time to
high-tail it outta there.
154. Always convince your astromech droid to not try to restraining green
senior citizens with big ears; they may start banging on you with their
gimer stick.
155. When someone says they knew your father was a great warrior, it usually
means something important. Take notice: they just gave you one hell of a
big hint about who they are. (sheesh, these farmboys today...)
156. Always allow your opponent to cut you down if it means making things
more dramatic.
157. When the guy from 156 gets cut down, try not to stand around screaming.
Try blasting something... like a door.
158. Don't turn your back on the parent of the kid you're zapping with
lightning bolts.
159. If the guy you love announces he's leaving, don't say something like
"That's right."
160. Make sure you aren't so fat you can't get away from an exploding Sail
Barge.
161. If your translator droid pisses you off, just plug him into the
hyperdrive. Either that or just shut him off.
162. Try not to fly side-by-side when flying through a narrow passage. (ANH &
ESB)
163. If you've got a malfunction you can't do much good to anyone, so clear
out of the attack on that giant space station.
164. When someone tells you to eject, it's probably a good idea.
165. Never try to blast a garbage compactor's walls---they are magnetically
sealed!!!!!
166. I'd just as soon kiss a Wookie!!!
167. Don't ever leave without giving a goodbye kiss!!!!!
168. If someone tries to roast you over an open fire--try to blow it out.
169. Let go of your conscious self and rely on instinct!!!!
170. The target area is ONLY two meters wide!!!!!
171. Pay off your debts ASAP.
172. Never underestimate the powers of any Jedi (or the Force for that
matter.)
173. (Corollary to 172) If a Jedi offers you a bargain, TAKE IT!!
174. You shouldn't always listen to your parents.
175. When having your hyperdrive fixed, you should always check it to
make sure the work has actually been done.
176. Sometimes it is smart to listen to little green Muppets.
177. You really should fire on lifepods whether there are signs of life
or not (to stormtroopers only).
178. When a Hutt tells you that your Jedi mind tricks won't work, believe
him.
179. When you say that you are "ready for anything," actually be ready
for anything (like two guys trying to pick a fight).
180. If your ship is bigger than a city, don't bring it into an asteroid
field.
181. Don't give into your anger.
182. Grasping at your throat will not stop the choking.
183. Freezing people in liquid carbonite makes a good wall decoration.
184. Never torture a power droid...
185. You should always have a co-pilot that speaks a language that only
you understand.
186. Don't taunt those on the Dark Side of the Force.
187. Sometimes it is better not to apologize or take the blame.
188. Make sure that you can see clearly before firing a blaster.
189. When pulled over by "the man", simply say, you don't need to see
his identification. These aren't the droids you're looking for. Move
along. It works everytime, I guarantee it!!!
190. If you ever build a throne room, NEVER put a great big shaft leading
to a big nuclear reactor right in the center of the room.
191. Never make your droids OR your sister do your dirty work!!!
192. It is not wise to upset a Wookiee
193. "A party of two can be very effective in chasing down a squad of
stormtroopers."
194. When you are told to close the blast doors, DON'T DO IT!"
195. "Away put your weapon, I mean you no harm."
196. When rescuing someone formulate an escape plan _before_ you attempt the
rescue.
197. No reward is worth rescuing a girl, princess or not, who leads you into
garbage and calls your best friend and first mate a "walking carpet".
198. Never trust anyone when they say, "The hyperdrive is fixed!"
199. If you have the money, stop telling Jabba and just pay him
200. Never accept a job that reports directly to Darth Vader
201. Armor just makes you easier to hit
202. Get in that chute, flyboy!
203. Buying someone a drink won't stop them from trying to fight you
204. Don't judge someone by their bad grammer
205. An entire planet could have only one climate (Tatooine, Hoth, Endor)
206. Beware of tremors in the Force
207. Protocol droids are lousy story tellers
208. Apparently one human would be able to feed an entire tribe of Ewoks
209. It's difficult to send a clear transmission in an asteroid field
210. When travelling at intense speeds, don't turn around an look behind you
211. A lightsaber can cut through anything (from Taun-taun to AT-AT)
212. The Force can influence the weak-minded
213. The handle of a lightsaber looks an awful lot like a flashlight
214. Even in a galaxy far, far away... Tupperware is still being used (ANH)
215. Try not to get caught under the legs of an AT-AT
216. Imperial probe droids have a self destruct mechanism
217. If you do not believe, you will always fail
218. Tennis shoes make great fighting ships (RotJ)
219. Stormtroopers seem to have inferior training and armor
220. Everything has a weakness, it's just a matter of exploiting it
Emperor - overconfident
Luke - friends
Death Star - thermal exhaust port
Stormtroppers - Ewoks
Star Destoyers - bridge deflector shields
Darth Vader - compasion for his kids
Leia - smugglers
Chewie - dead animals hanging from trees
Threepio - frail body
221. Bottom line, the first time you fight your father, he's IS going to kick
your sorry ass.
222. When flying objects come at you from behind, for pete's sake, DUCK!!!!!!
223. When stealing a skiff, MAKE SURE it's the one with the magnetic thingies
on the bottom!!!
224. If you are ever in a duel, and you get in a tight spot, grab the nearest
pipe and blow smoke in their face-----never fails.
225. Learn Ubese, you never know when you might need it!!!!
226. NEVER try to put binders on someone who is 7'2", big, furry and has big
teeth!!!
227. If you get an unwanted phone call, shoot the phone.
228. Never let Mr. GQ smooth borrow your vehicle, especially after he says
not a scratch.
229. If you build a death star and some farm boy blows it up, just build a
new one!!!!!!!
230. If you see a small blue elephant at a party, you haven't necessarily
drunk too much.
231. Watch out for stormtroopers that are a little short.
232. Your Tauntaun'll freeze before the first marker.
233. ...But if so, then I'll see you in hell!
234. The middle of a raging battle for the fate of the galaxy is no time for
heroics.
235. A ill-trained, uncoordinated, rabble with obselete ships and
weapons(rebels) would always beat well equipped, superbly trained and
numerically superior forces(Empire) :)
236. Boys from backwater farming planets are better shots then imperial
stormtroopers.
237. When 900 years old you reach, look as good you will not.
238. When in doubt, fly casual.
239. Beware those heart-to-heart talks with Dad. One of you might end up
losing an appendage.
240. When sending troops out to a jungle world, MAKE SURE they are all
wearing black and white, so nobody can see them.
241. Adventure, excitement, a jedi craves not these things!
242. Try not to look to the future, keep your mind on where you are and what
you are doing.
243. Don't ever give any lip to an old man who has yellow eyes and shoots
lightning out of his own body.
244. Never say to someone, "where are you taking this---THING---?" b/c
the next thing you know, you're flying across the room.
245. Stay on target!!!!
246. Keep your distance, but don't LOOK like you're trying to keep your
distance. (In other words, fly casual.)
247. When purchasing a protocol droid, remember, at some point some assembly
may be required.
248. When based on an ice planet, don't turn on the thermal heaters.
249. "Never travel the Jundland Wastes lightly" (ANH)
250. "Never stand at the edge of a step when an R2 unit turns on its holo
projector" (ANH)
251. "Never be next to Han Solo when you are trapped in a garbage compactor,
cockpit of the MF while in a space slug, or when shot at the back entrance
of a shield control center" (ANH, ESB, ROTJ)
252. "Never listen to your squad commander when he tells you to 'stay on
target' and Darth vader is chasing you in a TIE fighter" (ANH)
253. "It is a good idea to have a wing man named 'Janson'" (ESB)
254. "If you are a droid, be sure to have you deactivator put on your front
side, not behind your neck" (ESB)
255. "Always follow the advice of an aide with long sideburns" (ANH)
and finally the most important ones....
we all wish we could have lived "A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away."
finally.... The Force is always with me
This thread begun by: Ranna-Marie Lanagan
Contributors so far: Markku Herd, Christopher Craig, Joshua Edward
Sitarz, Simon H. Lee, Kerman Geoffrey Bryan, Jeanne, amyadams@erinet.com, Ken
Reeves, Brandon VandeBrake, dpidverbny@ivory.trentu.ca, Collin Yeoh, Gallus,
Sarlaac, John Marciante, Jill Sauder, Alice Hadden, Michael Crawford, Jason
Andrew Oliver, Glittrstim, Marco C. van Bruggen, dpidverbny@ivory.trentu.ca,
ARREOLA, Danielle Baillie, Jonathan Brent White, Andrew Phillip Frits, Joshua
Nelson, Dany Burigana, Sarah Biery, Jill Sauder, organas@aol.com,
Matthew{Frank}Burns, Bill Synnamon, Deepan Majmudar, shan
e sebunia, Fred. Maske, Jonathan M Schenker, Jeremy 'MacMan' Morris, Fredrik
Arnerup, Uliq Qel-Droma, William D Schulz, Art Salazar
Text file Source (historic): geocities.com/garrison27
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