Okay guys, here it is, the first ever Star Wars Horoscope.
(I can't however claim credit for this- it's a section
from PARTE, the BNR student newsletter)
It isn't great, but it's not bad.

Falcon Lite
(but if all goes well, I might attempt doing one myself next
week)

P.s. I used to be an Aquarius but not anymore!

Your Psychic reading for this coming weekend

And now for another exciting adventure of Mystic Pizza and Dough Boy!  When we
last left our hapless heros, they were in Lisbon, enjoying sausages and ozuo
in a street-side cafe.  Little did they know that they were being stalked by
the evil "Majestio!"  Majestio is an evil fortune teller who wants to destroy
Mystic Pizza and Dough Boy.  Majestio was standing...

Ah hell, like any of this is true anyways.  Forget Mystic Pizza and Dough Boy.
They are history.  Now, on to the horoscope.

This weeks topic : Star Wars Character You Are Most Like

(Note, these are characters from the whole trilogy, not just the first
movie.)

==============================================================================
ARIES (March 21 - April 19)

Star Wars Character : C3P0

You are an uptight whiner, always saying things like "Oh no!  Stormtroopers!"
or "Now we are all going to die!"  You really gotta loosen up.  I mean, you
can't spend your whole life wandering around worrying about everything.
Sit back, relax, have a beer.  But don't spill any beer on your arm.  I
hear that stuff is like ACID when it comes in contact with metal.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)

Star Wars Character : R2-D2

Beep-whizz-bang-beep.   Beep-beep-beep-beep.  Whir-swin-beep-beep.
BEEEEP-beep.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)

Star Wars Character : Jabba the Hutt

You think you are powerful, but the power you have over others comes from
their fear, not their respect.  Beware, fat man, for some day those who
you now take so much pleasure in controlling will turn around and kill
you.  Beware of Princesses wearing chains around their necks.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
CANCER (June 21 - July 22)

Star Wars Character : Darth Vader

You are evil and powerful.  People may not like you, but they respect
you.  You can kill people with just a thought.  You can move large
objects with just a thought.  Your voice sounds really stupid though.
Buy some cough drops!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
LEO (July 23 - Aug. 22)

Star Wars Character : Obi-wan "Ben" Kenobi

You're old, and you dress funny.  Beware of Cancers carrying light sabres.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
VIRGO (Aug.23 - Sept. 22)

Star Wars Character : Yoda

Yoda you are like.  Funny talk you.  But beyond your years wise are you.
Hmmm.  Hmmm.  Downside there is always.  Wise you may be, but ugly and
short are you also.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)

Star Wars Character : Storm Trooper

Canon foder.  No one respects your talents and ambitions.  You are treated
more like a number then a person.  "Do this!" "Do that!" people are always
telling you.  How come you always get stuck with the crumby Joe Jobs, like
writing the Horoscope for the parte newsletter.  Just once don't you wish
you could have some of the glory?  Some of the fame?  That you could take
off the uniform you wear and run around and say "Look at me!  I'm special!
I'm different!"  Don't you wish that you could....

 (the sounds of laser blasts hitting Storm Trooper armour.
Han Solo and Luke Skywalker step nimbly over the now dead body of the
Storm Trooper.  Some of us are meant to be Queen Bees, and some of us our
meant to be Worker Bees.  Libras are the worker bees.  Get used to it.)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)

Star Wars Character : Luke Skywalker

Yes, you are like Luke, but more from the first movie when he was just a
whiny little brat who knew nothing.  Maybe with time you too can grow
strong and powerful, but more likely you will end up like Mark Hamill,
the only person associated with the movies who never became truly
famous.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)

Star Wars Character : Evil Emperor

Sure, you are probably one of the most powerful people in the universe,
but you really got to work on your people skills.  I mean, try giving
the occasional compliment.  And brush your teeth.  They look disgusting.
Doesn't your appearance mean anything to you?  You are supreme ruler of
the galaxy, you should be able to afford a face lift.  And get some new
duds.  Those long robes are so dark ages!  Try the Gap, they have nice
stuff.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)

Star Wars Character : Han Solo

You are smooth and cool under pressure.  You are daring and adventerous.
You are environmental unfriendly (come on, driving around in an old
bucket of bolts like the Millienium Falcon.  I bet it doesn't even pass
California Emmission standards).  You are politically uncorrect (First,
you wear leather, which means you don't care about animal rights.  Secondly,
you don't give Princess Leia the respect you give Chewie because she is
a woman!).  You're lucky you haven't crossed my path yet, mister, because
I would have you up on Sexual Harrasment charges before you could jump to
light speed!  You thought carbon freezing was bad, wait until you come
up against the BNR Sexual Harrasment Committee.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)

Star Wars Character : Princess Leia

You kissed your brother.  That's gross.  I *REFUSE* to do a horoscope
for some incest-loving sicko!  I have morals, you know!  God, you are
disgusting.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)

Star Wars Character : The Snow Beast

Remember when Luke got captured at the being of "The Emperor Strikes Back"
by that big snow monster.  Didn't he look like the Snow Monster from the
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reigndeer special where the elf who wanted to be a
dentist pulled his tooth?  I think he did.

Oh, yeah, you are like the snow beast because it lived in the snow, and when
snow melts it becomes water, and water is what fish swim in, and Pisces is
the sign of the fish.  'nuff said?
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