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STAR WARS TOP 10 LISTS
 
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Top 10 Things Luke Did Between ESB and ROTJ :
 
10. Learned to shoot baskets again.
9. Hit on Leia relentlessly, only to feel the need for continuous bathing
by the halfway point of ROTJ.
8. Played "Ding, Dong, Ditch" with doorways on board the Medical Frigate to
practice his Force skills until they kicked him out.
7. Spent days, and days, and days trying to figure out why his mom married
a walking toaster.
6. One word: Whined
5. Played "Itsy Bitsy Spider" trying to get his fingers to work again
4. Waited around corners for women in dresses to walk past, then,
reminiscent of Marilyn Monroe, used the Force to blow up their skirts.
3. Used R2D2 as a movie projector to watch the copy of "Debbie Does
Dantooine" that Lando slipped him.
2. Spent a lot of time in the gymnastics facilities working on those
AMAZING backflips, etc...
 
#1 thing Luke did between ESB and ROTJ...
 
...Learned how to [censored] left handed!!!
 
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Lines You Always Wanted to Hear In A Star Wars Film, But Never Will:
 
Luke: Hey, what happened to Biggs? I could have sworn he was here a minute
ago...
Kenobi, before fight scene: Darth, you ignorant slut
Random Imperial Trooper: Emporer Palpatine? Here's that wrinkle cream you
asked for, sir...
R2D2 : Anything coherent
Han : Okay, I admit it. It's all my fault.
Luke: You're kinda cute...can I buy you a drink?
Luke: (trying to impress girl) Wanna see some neat Jedi tricks?
Jabba : Anything that doesn't start with Hooo, Hoooo, Hooo
Yoda or Mon Mothma : I've fallen, and I can't get up!
Lando : Han, I've always loved you
Anonymous Death Star Officer: Wow, that Vader is touchy today.
C3PO : No comment
Chewbacca: Why don't I ever get the girl?
Han : I traded the Falcon in for this new family model...
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Luke, will you please stop whining?
Darth Vader: This is CNN.
Ewok Female: You know, that Chewbacca may be tall, but he's awfully cute.
Luke: Jeez, only one woman around, and she has to be my sister.
Jabba : Pass me that can of SlimFast, will you?
Imperial Officer: Why don't any of the rebels have this British accent?
Leia: I want my hairstylist executed - immediately.
Yoda: I have seen the future, and we're never going to make it to episode 7.
Lando : Okay, I admit it. It's all my fault.
Han : Chewie, you need shampoo AGAIN?!
Han : OUCH! Chewie, have you been using my razor again?
Luke : Jedi, Shmedi. Let's go hit a bar, Han.
Luke : Anybody got a cigarette?
Boba Fett : You know, I'm actually a really nice guy when you get to know me...
Palpatine : Budget crisis? Whaddaya mean BUDGET CRISIS???
Jabba : And pack the extra Sand Skiff with Rolaids
Bib Fortuna : Does anyone here know how to do a French Braid?
Han : Hey Lando - how much DO you spend on dry cleaning, anyway?
Lando : Han, you seem troubled...have you called my psychic hotline yet?
Leia : No, I didn't say TRIM, I said cut it ALL OFF!
C3PO : Actually, I have nothing to say.
Luke (to Vader) : But what happens if I push this button on your chest that
says Off?
or : This button that says "Reboot"?
or : This button that says "Light Side"?
or : Why do your buttons say "Mix", "Puree", "Blend", etc...?
or : Why do your buttons say "Wash", "Rinse", "Spin Dry", etc...?
 
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Top Rejected Film Titles
 
Desperately Seeking Skywalker
R2: Judgment Day
Wookiee Cushion
Revenge of the Ewoks
A-Wing and a Prayer
Strategic Defense Initiatives
Han Solo and the Whiny Kid
On Swampy Pond
The Good, The Bad, and the Ewoks
Palpatine Forever
Clone Wars: The Musical
A Fistful of Credits
Mighty Morphin Power Jedi
Romancing the Holocron
Star Wars II : The Wrath of Darth
The Empire Cops an Attitude
What About Darth?
The Darthman Cometh
A Few Good Jedi
Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Space (but were afraid to ask)
Forrest Jedi
 
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Top 9 Scenes We'd Like To See
 
1) An incredible battle is in progress. Luke does an amazing, Force
coordinated back-flipping, somersaulting, rolling, diving, ducking maneuver.
As he finishes, we see his companions Han, Leia, Chewbacca, Lando, etc, all
standing around. They have killed all the bad guys while Luke was fooling
around, and they are now all holding signs saying 6.4, 7.3, and the like...
 
2) Luke, after all those years alone, finally gets a girlfriend. After they
finally have sex for the first time, the ghostly images of Ben, Yoda, and
Anakin appear to him in a dream, yell at him for hours for being a disgrace
to the Light Side Jedi, and strip away his powers as punishment.
 
3) The ghost of Greedo begins to haunt Han, and follows him everywhere. In
an effort to stop his friend from going insane, an exorcism is performed by
Luke, and the spirit of Greedo leaves Han, only to become imbedded in C3PO,
who can now only speak in Rodian.
 
4) We find out that C3PO has been incorrectly translating R2D2's beeps,
warbles, and whistles for years. All R2D2 has ever been doing is asking for
a voice modulator.
 
5) Leia, finally fed up with Han's irresponsibility and hijinks, and Mara
Jade, fed up with Lando's cavalier attitude and smoothness, move in together,
become lesbians, and get Hers and Hers towels...
 
6) C3PO, misunderstanding the concept (again), reads a human romance novel,
proceeds to drug Chewbacca and shave him down, in an effort to provide Han
and Leia with a bearskin rug for their home. As he presents it, a de-furred
Chewbacca storms in and proceeds to dismantle C3PO for good.
 
7) Biggs, on screen, for five minutes. He doesn't have to be doing
anything, he can even be in the background, we just want the poor guy to
get some screen time...
 
8) The U.S.S. Enterprise, a Klingon Bird of Prey, and other Star Trek vessels,
through a strange, time-warp continuum mishap, appear in the midst of a battle
between the Alliance and the Empire. After exactly 5.4 seconds of This is
Admiral James. T. Kirk. Of the U. S. S. Enterprise, in a scene reminiscent of
The Truce at Bakura, both forces stop fighting each other, blast the Star Trek
ships to dust in about three seconds, and then continue fighting...
 
9) At the closing of Return of the Jedi, Han and Leia retire to Leia's
stateroom, and start fooling around. As Han removes Leia's robe, he leaps off
the bed in horror, and flees across the room. Leia says I told you Luke was my
brother - my twin brother. They just dressed me up like this to hide me
better from the Empire, as the theme from The Crying Game plays in the
background...a smiling ghostly image of Luke is seen in the corner smiling -
he knew all along...
 
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Top 4 Advantages to Being a Jedi
 
4. You always get to take part in bar brawls, and people respect you for it
3. Ever seen the Chevy Chase movie Modern Problems? - you can do THAT now
(g)
2. With a lightsaber handy, you never have to worry about finding lighter
fluid
1. Go back home, and pants that childhood bully from 100 away
 
Top 4 DISadvantages to Being a Jedi
 
4. You're never getting laid
3. That honorable crap gets old quickly
2. The most attractive woman you know will wind up being your sister, and
you don't live in West Virginia
1. Mon Mothma always wants you to attend Private meetings in her chambers
 
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*The Top Ten Reasons Han Won't Let Chewie Take The Falcon For A Spin*
 
by Slappy
 
10. Chewie insists on putting "Don't Like My Driving? Call 1-800-EAT-FODDER"
on the back of the Falcon.
 
9. Han stopped letting Chewie take the controls after nasty encounter with
bounty hunter at Ord Mantel when Chewie flipped him the bird.
 
8. Friends don't let friends fly when they're in heat.
 
7. Chewie always puts the deep-space communications bandwidth on KWOOKIE:
less talk, more rock.
 
6. Chewie's already punctured the airbags with those damned claws of his.
 
5. When Chewie tells Han to "punch it" in wookiee, it loses some effect and
doesn't sound as cool when spoken in English.
 
4. Chewie constantly forgets to flush, and the stench has started to erode
the circuits in the holo-chess game.
 
3. Chewie always wants to go to Mos Eisley to pick up some digitless babes
with horns.
 
2. Chewie insists Han to "sing the low parts" in show tunes when they go on
long voyages together.
 
1. He's always wanting to drag with Imperial Star Destroyers.
 
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Top ten ways to know you bought a second-rate Death Star:
 
10. It has a central exhaust port just below the main port.
9. It is not a fully armed and operational battle station.
8. It won't go into hyperspace unless you yell, "Engage!"
7. It has the ability to destroy a planet, but it is still insignificant
next to the power of the force.
6. It was designed by NASA.
5. Every corridor leads to a large, bottomless pit.
4. The Jawas sold it to you at a loss.
3. The "Intel Inside" sticker is starting to peel off.
2. It has NCC-1701 painted on it.
1. One word: "Outgassing!"
 
Just having a Letterman fantasy...
 
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TOP TEN SURPRISES IN THE NEXT STAR WARS MOVIE
10. Before the threat of an Empire, the Jedi went planet to planet selling
Amway.
9. Originally cast as Darth Vader? O. J. Simpson
8. Death Star plumbing constantly being clogged by excessive use of "The
Force"
7. Features big musical number: "Light Sabres of Love"
6. To save on budget, R2D2 is just a waste paper can with a smiley face
painted on it.
5. C-3P0 is programmed only to speak in "Gump-isms"
4. Introduces new threat: Kato the Hut.
3. Most of the special effects pulled off with a big flashlight and a
talented shadow-puppeteer.
2. In a special funding deal with RJ Reynolds, Chewbacca now called
Chewingtobacca.
1. Working Title: Pulp Jedi's
 
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TOP 10 STAR WARS-ish THINGS TO SAY WHEN YOUR PARENTS MAKE A SURPRISE VISIT
TO YOUR HOUSE/DORM.
 
10. "Exciting is hardly the word I would use."
9. "Unexpected this is, and unfortunate."
8. Gesture around the room and say to your roommates, "If they don't go for
this, we're gonna have to get outta here pretty quick."
7. Say to them, as they come in the door, " You've gotta lotta guts coming
here after what you pulled."
6. "Hi son, we just stopped by to see if you would JOIN US for lunch."
Reply with "I'll never join you! (distort your face) Then throw yourself down
the nearest shaft.
5. Ask them for money, then if they ask why they must pay __________ (fill
in the amount)... Have a friend yell "Because he's holding a thermal detonator!"
(everyone dive for cover)
4. If they ask why the place is in such a mess reply with, "Your eyes can
deceive you - don't trust them... I've let go my conscious self and acted on
instinct."
3. "I've got a bad feeling about this."
2. "Lock the doors, and hope they don't have blasters!"
1. If they ask how you are doing in school say, "When I left you, I was but
the learner, now I am the master.
 
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TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE A TRUE STAR WARS FAN...
 
10. You have recurring nightmares about Episodes 1-3 being about a
dysfunctional family of Ewoks.
9. You shell out 10 bucks for a magazine that describes the planet
Tatooine.
8. You stick up for Mark Hamil even when you know he's a bad actor.
7. You'd actually want a copy of that lousy Star Wars holiday special.
6. You would feed yourself to the rancor if it meant finding out the name
of Anakin's wife.
5. You foolishly believe that Lucas will ACTUALLY make more Star Wars
movies, when you know he's just saying that so people will buy the new Star
Wars merchandise and books, then in a year he'll give his famous "I don't feel
like it" speech.
4. You waste your time writing Star Wars Top Ten lists.
3. At a Star Wars collectibles convention, you purchase Gammorean Guard
saliva.
2. You believe President Clinton should increase its budget. (I'm sorry,
wrong Star Wars!)
1. When arguing Star Wars against Star Trek, you use the words "Star Trek
Sissy Boys" at least 15 times.
 
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Top ten Star Wars band names.....
 
10. Storm Temple Troopers
9. Smashing Ewoks
8. Jabba Jam
7. Porno for Yoda
6. Vader by Nature
5. 4 Non Jedis
4. Emperor's Melon
3. The Alluvial Nappers
2. George the Wet Sprocket
1. Carbon and the Freezers
 
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