Below is a compilation of actual church bloopers and service bloopers:

• Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
• For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
• This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
• Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and do so.
• The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
• A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
• Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be, "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
• The associate minister unveiled the church's new giving campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
• Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
• Ushers will eat latecomers.
• The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
• The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
• The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
• Low self-esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 PM. Please use the back door.
• Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
• The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
• The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
• The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, 'Break Forth Into Joy.'
• Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on 'It's a Terrible Experience'.
• Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
• "Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
• The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
• A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
• Today's Sermon: 'How Much Can a Man Drink?' with hymns from a full choir.
• On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: "God is good -Dr. Hargreaves is better."
• Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
• The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
• The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

An actual excerpt from an August 4, 1996 church bulletin:

To make it possible for everyone to attend church next Sunday we are going to have a special "No Excuse Sunday."

• Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say "Sunday is my only day to sleep in."
• We will have steel helmets for those who think the church is going to fall down.
• Space heaters will be available for those that say the church is too cold, and fans for those who say it is too hot.
• We will have hearing aids for those who say "The preacher talks too softly," and cotton for those who say he preaches too loudly.
• Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list hypocrites present.
• Some relatives will be in attendance for those who like to go 'visiting' on Sundays.
• There will be TV dinners for those who can't go to church and cook dinner also.
• One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to see God in nature.
• Finally, the sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lillies for those who have never seen the church without them.

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