If All I Could Do Was Hold You
Chapter 1
By: Amanda
Benji,
I can’t even begin to know how to start this, or to finish this. Even now as I’m writing I really don’t know what I’m going to say, or if there is anything I can say. But I have to do this, I have to make sure you know exactly what I feel and exactly what I think about what has happened between us, we have barely spoken for three months. I don’t know if it will make a difference, but I have to try.
Hmmm!! That Youth Under Fire song just came on the radio. I listened to the words, really feeling the sadness of the song, feeling it seep through me. “If All I could do was hold you, I would,” it pretty much sums up everything, because that’s all I had ever really wanted or should I say intended it to be.
We’ve had four hours in a car together yesterday as you drove me from DC back to my little dinky town just outside Chicago. There was no one else to do it and Paul made you do it because otherwise I would be stranded. I know he made you do it! He didn’t know what was going on with us at that stage, so he thought that the drive would help to get us back to our old selves. I knew you weren’t happy about having to be with me but at least you didn’t refuse to drive me, well not flat out anyway.
He knows now though, they all do!! You must have told them after you got back to D.C yesterday. I don’t know whether you know this but Joel called me today. He just started screaming at me, “How could you do this to him?” He asked me if I knew what this was doing to the you? How much I hurt you? I snapped when he said that, something just broke inside of me. No I didn’t know because I never see or talk to you but I could take a pretty good guess. The consequences of what I had done where bad, but what else could I have done. It had already started before we even realised what was happening and thinking about it now. Could you really see any other way of it ending. I could never lie to either of you so it would have been useless even trying. I won’t even go into what it would have done to you if we tried to deny what happened. You never were all that good at hiding your emotions.
You had the windows rolled down in the car virtually the whole way from D.C, even though it was cold out. The wind was stirring your hair around. I couldn’t take my eyes off you. You are so beautiful, Benji. I still care about you, even if you don’t care about me any more. How can you just stop caring someone? It can’t be that simple but somehow I think you’ve managed it. I know that on those cold nights when I was in your room, when you said you loved me. You only meant it in a platonic friendship way but even then I think I was happy to have heard you say it to me. Tony never said it, not once. I kept trying and trying to think of something else while I was sitting in that car next to you, but just looking at you reminds of that summer and everything that happened. Everything we shared. Or didn’t share… I went and found my Youth Under fire cd and now that song is repeat. It’s a good song but I wish it wasn’t the story of our relationship.
“Summer past, should we let it end? I wish it would come again. So many nights and windy days lost.”
Before that final night I had felt so alone, even though people, friends, always surrounded me. I guess nothings really changed all that much. I’m still alone, except for now I’m not surrounded by anyone. I had to move half way across the country to try and get rid of my demons, all the memories and hurt. I couldn’t even stay in Chicago because nearly every one there knows Tony.
I think the beginning of our problem was that I had no one to connect with, to really talk with. Except you. You were always there. It started out innocent enough. I’d crawl up to you when you were watching late night TV or later, if you were in bed I would crawl into bed with you at night, just to talk. Nothing else. You understood what I was going through, I don’t know how you understood it because I had no idea half of the time. You said it was because you were so screwed up as well. I don’t think that’s true, you are one of the most sane and perfect people I have ever met. You are perfect in you own flawed way. I know that you’re thinking that, that doesn’t make sense but I don’t think it has to. We sure didn’t. We’d lay there together in the dark, so safe and so happy and not really for any reason we were happy just because. Why can’t we still have that now? I know why.
We were just outside of Chicago, when it was starting to rain, but you still didn’t roll your window up. I can see the raindrops glistening on your cheek. Or are they teardrops? Oh wait, that was
“The reflecting water and a smiling face, there was always you. But there were so many wasted thoughts and so many wasted moments that were never spent.”
The nights spent together in your bedroom slowly turned into something else. When I would come to you in tears, you’d wrap your arms around me and hold me close, our hearts beating against each other. It never felt awkward, it never felt wrong. If anything, it was the most perfect thing in the world. Your hands would travel down my back, gently massaging me, trying to soothe my fears. The next morning, I’d awake with you next to me, that adorable smile on your face when you saw I was up. You were always awake before me whenever I stayed with you.
Things continued to get better, or worse. I’m still not sure which. Now I never slept alone. There was always you. There were times when I thought I couldn’t make it through a day without you. I felt better when I was with you, the dark cloud around me lifted and I was actually somewhat positive about my life and life in general. Every single time I saw you, I felt this indescribable feeling. A feeling that I never had with Tony, or anybody else for that matter. I didn’t know what it meant at the time. I do now though.
We were in Chicago when you finally put your window up and the silence in the car was deafening, even more so now that the outside noises were gone. I longed to talk to you, to say anything, but everything I want to say sounds so stupid. So I wait for you to say something first. Of course you never did. You are so stubborn!!! I know I keep referring to yesterday for no real reason except maybe it seems important to me… Although I’m not sure why. I’M NOT SURE OF ANYTHING!
There were those nights in your bedroom that we went too far. Not just physically because lets face it that was minimal, but also on some other level. I don’t know what it was but it was powerful. Those were the nights I fell in love with you, not those other nights that you seem to think were more important to me. It was no longer just hugging. That wasn’t enough for me. I needed to spend every moment I was awake with you. No, not even that was enough. I didn’t even bother with my bed any more, I’m sure everyone knew that I no longer slept alone, no longer slept in my room. I was always with you. And you seemed to love that as much as I did. What went wrong? Why did that one thing I did effect us so much?
That one night I didn’t know what came over me. We were there in the dark, just you and me, and you had your arms around me, your forehead pressed against mine. I had been crying uncontrollably since I came into our room, and I didn’t know why. But I told you that it was because I missed Tony. I was never this bad and even you seemed a bit shocked. You looked into my eyes, whispered that everything would be okay, that you were always there for me, and I kissed you. (Do you even remember that?) I still don’t know why I had that first urge. It was quick, it meant nothing… At least, it didn’t mean anything to you, I’m sure. You only pulled me closer as my body shook with sobs. I fell asleep in your arms.
The next day, and the day after, and the day after, I only had one thought on my mind. I wanted to kiss you again. I had discovered what was wrong with me. I had been empty. You made me whole. I tried to ignore it but you can’t really ignore something like that. I told myself it was lust and that I was just missing Tony. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t get you out of my head. 24/7, rain and shine, you were there.
“The things I wish I could have done, but all is quiet tonight. And your smile is still so right. I know it’s hard to say good bye, but this time it feels so good and yet so bad.”
I finally acted on my impulses, near the end of July. I pulled you into my arms and started kissing you passionately, my lips hungry for yours. It was unmistakable what this kiss meant but you didn’t fight me. You didn’t push me away. I only craved it more. I laid you down gently on our bed in your bedroom, my lips travelling every inch of your beautiful face, neck, shoulders. Why did you let me do that? Why did you do it back to me? Didn’t you realise how much more I wanted you after that night?
I swallow, and the sound it makes seems to echo in the car. The rain is coming down harder, but we’re almost there. I’m almost home. I see you smile slightly as you recognise places we used to stay together. Me, you and Tony when we thought we were the fuckin’ royalty of Chicago and could do whatever we wanted in that god damn city. Why can’t you smile at me any more?
That whole night you never told me to stop, even though I could see it in your eyes. You knew it was wrong—I knew it was wrong—but I couldn’t help myself. It wasn’t anything more serious then kissing but somehow, you knew this was what I needed to make myself feel better. I needed love more than any thing that summer. You did nothing but oblige to my whims, but now I think it was more then just that… I’m not sure what I saw in your eyes but I think it was guilt not only from what we were doing was wrong but also because of the fact that you wanted it as much as I did. At least I hope you wanted it because if you did it just to please me, to make me happy it would be just as bad as if you didn’t do it at all.
I wanted to take it further, but I just couldn’t do it. I saw how much even this was paining you. It hurt me that it hurt you. It hurt me knowing that I was hurting two of my closest friends and companions. It damaged me knowing that I was going to do it any way. I’m flawed, it was flawed, we are flawed. I didn’t want you in pain. I only wanted us to be happy. I’m spinning my words in circles but I can’t help it. My mind is in circles.
We still fell asleep in each other’s arms that night, but it was somehow different. Things had changed between us, and I didn’t know if it was for better for worse. You still held me in your arms when I needed you, and you let me kiss you, although not like that night. But that wasn’t enough. I can never be happy with what I have. I always want more. Just innocent kisses. By taking it further physically, even just that little bit, we seemed to lose some of that emotional connection. I had to get it back, that connection we had was my lifeline, everything seemed harder as the connection declined.
Then finally the day came when I stuffed everything up, stuffed pretty much my whole life as I haven’t been the same since that night. That one night I took it way too far, beyond anything I could have imagined. It wasn’t in the way I had expected to screw things up in. Those few weeks leading up to it were basically preparing me for what I had to do. I can see that now, everything was coming to its climax. The tension was building. Tony was due back on the 26th of August.
Still even I couldn’t quite believe that I’d done it. I thought it might help fix everything. I tried apologising to you, but you wouldn’t have it. August 15 was the day I died inside. I couldn’t take it any more. I had been holding back for too long. You still held me in your arms when I needed you, and you even let me kiss you a few times, but that wasn’t enough. I can never be happy with what I have. I always want more. I wanted you, all of you. I didn’t want you to have to hold back.
I had been out late partying with friends, trying to forget what I’d done the night before and had come into your room to find you asleep already. You looked so innocent and stress free. I couldn’t help myself even though I knew it was wrong, I might’ve been able to hold myself back if I knew that Tony was back in town early... But no one told me.
I quickly shed my sweaty clothes and climbed into bed with you, just in a pair of your old boxers you had given me and my black wife beater. I was aching for your touch, aching to talk to you. I needed to feel your skin on mine. I needed so much more, and you had always given everything you had to me. Except for actually recognising what had formed between us. I decided that I that I had to tell you what I’d done the night before, but I just didn’t know how.
I started crying, softly at first but then it grew harder and louder, I tried to stop it, I tried to contain it but it just wouldn’t go away. I knew I had done something horrible and stupid, to both you and Tony! I knew that what I was going to tell you would probably cause so many problems but I really didn’t think it would end the way it did. I couldn’t help it. I had to tell you, it was only fair to you. You would find out anyway and at least this way I might be able to salvage something from our relationship.
That’s when you woke up. You sat up and saw me sitting on your bed next to you, crying. I turn my head and looked straight into your eyes. You already knew, I could tell. You eyes were glazed over, but I could still see the pain, hurt and confusion in them.
“What the fuck, do you think you’re doing?” you whispered slowly, your dark eyes accusing me. “I’m sorry, “ I whispered cautiously. I’m sorry, it sounded pathetic even to me and obviously you agreed because all you said was “Get Out!!”
“I only meant to break it off with him. I didn’t mean to tell him about you! About this, but he kept asking me, why, why, why!!! I couldn’t lie to him! I never could.”
You stared at me so coldly. I’ll never forget that look, “You didn’t have to break up with him! There is nothing between us! I was only trying to help you while Tony was gone, I didn’t mean… I didn’t mean for this to happen.”
I got angry, “And you think I did, of course I didn’t want this to happen. I never, never wanted to hurt Tony, or you! But I can’t help it, it did happen. I can’t go on pretending with Tony any more! It would have just done more damage to everyone if I had!!! But I swear I was just going to break it off with him and not say a word about this!!! I was going to just leave it!!!”
I think I saw tears spring to your eyes at that moment but to this day I’m still not sure, “Well you should have just left things the way they were because now you get nothing!! Nothing, you don’t get Tony’s love, because yes he loved you, he made that much clear while he was screaming and beating the crap out of me this morning,” you turned your face so I could see your black eye and a few cuts that were on it. I couldn’t help but gasp, Tony did that!! I reached out to touch your face but you just turned away. “And you don’t get me!!! There was nothing between us before but now there’s really nothing! You are nothing to me and I want your shit out of my room and out of the other room! I want you out of my life! You’ve ruined enough!”
“Benji, stop I’ll try to fix this… I”
“You can’t fix this!” His eyes hardened, “You ruined everything not only between you and Tony, and you and me… but between me and Tony too. He’s basically disowned me and it’s all… your… fault! The one person who understood me almost better then my own twin and you took him away from me!”
I can’t think of anything to say to you. There’s no real way to explain this. I just stare back at him, my mouth slightly open, as if I want to say something. “Get the fuck out of my room. Now.”
And that’s where it ended. My days with you were over. You couldn’t see past that one stupid thing I did, and I’m the first to admit how incredibly foolish it was. I just needed you so badly. I still need you.
Of all things I said to you and all the things I did for you, why? I came to see you all the time, but you your turned back and I’m still lost.
I’m not sure why I had to write all that down in this letter. You were there you, know what happened. But now you know exactly what was going through my head that night!! Maybe you’ll have a chance of understanding why I did what I did. Maybe it will make you remember what we had before all this shit happened! Yes, what you had with Tony was special, but what about what had formed between us. You can’t deny that there was something… Well you shouldn’t deny it at any rate.
You banished me from your room like you said, although the rest of the guys wouldn’t let you kick me out. I had no where to go! So you started avoiding me instead. I wanted to kill myself. There is nothing worse than being hated by the two most important people in your life. Tony wouldn’t let me near him and starts screaming blue murder any time I do actually manage to get close enough to speak to him. I thought maybe in time he would understand and maybe forgive me. But now I know there is no chance of that.
I tried to talk to you, Benji so many times, but the most I could manage without breaking down in tears was a ‘hello’ or a ‘see you later.’ Every single time I looked at you I wanted to fall to my knees and apologize. I would have done anything, anything, to make things right between us. You kept ignoring me. I would cry myself to sleep in my room every night. Alone.
I swear to God, I haven’t had a full night of sleep since the day you and Tony left me. Since I accidentally forced you both out of it. I often sit there on the edge of my bed and just stare at a picture of me, you and Tony, wondering how it got this bad. I came to your room one night, near the end of August, my hand raised to knock on the door. All I wanted to do was talk to you in all sincerity. But I just couldn’t do it. I walked away, that empty feeling in my soul once more.
You pulled the car into the driveway, my driveway, and put the car in park. I made no move to get out. I had to say something now or let it slowly rot away within me.
“Benji?”
So one more time for me, I’ll take you and you will see my mirrored heart drop through my shirt to shatter on the edge of your skirt. It sparkles on in the midnight sky where tears of silver drop as I cry.
“Yeah, Larceny?” Finally, I heard you speak. That little bit of recognition made me so incredibly happy. I haven’t heard you say my name in so long.
“I want to say that I wish it didn’t get like this and that I wish that I was a stronger person so that I could say that I wished that we never happened… I’m sorry I’m like this, that… GOD DAMMIT, I’m just sorry for existing!!!” The silence stretches on for ages. Once upon a time you would have been comforting me, telling me that it would work out and I would be okay. But not now.
“You’re sorry.” You said it with no emotion as the rain began to lighten to just a few quiet drops on the windows.
“What I did was wrong. I know that. But I’ve never felt like this about anyone… ever. You make me feel…” Could you hear the waver in my voice? Did you know I was starting to cry?
“I loved you as a friend… And I think there might have been something else… But now I’ll never know,” Past tense. He loved me too. A dagger through my heart. It has shattered and the shards slice me up from the inside. The rain had stopped completely now and the clouds were separating. There was a thin slice of moon hanging in the sky tonight. A sky we had looked upon together not so long ago.
“Can you ever forgive me?” I ask, praying he will say yes, hoping he’ll answer me at all.
“I don’t know.” How could you not know? Either you will be the compassionate person I once thought I knew or the bastard you’ve always been. I sniffled and I saw you frown slightly in the glow from the dashboard.
“Things will never be the same, will they?” I said ever so quietly, I wasn’t even sure that you heard me.
“They can’t be.” I leant over and placed a soft kiss on your cheek, I think I even saw you flinch, before climbing out of the car. You pulled away before I was even to my front door.
My mind is gone now and my eyes fade too. My last few words are meant for you. What should I say? What should I be?
“I really do love you, Benji,” I whispered as the car raced down the road. Even though I hadn’t told you that I loved you before I still don’t think you believed me. You thought what I felt was friendship or misplaced feelings for Tony. Maybe even just plain old lust.
I don’t know maybe it’s not love, what would I know I’ve never been in love before. But you have haven’t you? With Sahra, I could tell in the way you talked about her. Benji, how could you let this happen? Let me do this? You were supposed to be the experienced, wise 25 year old! I’m the stupid, inexperienced 19 year old. I really don’t know how I ended up becoming so close to all of you guys! I mean I was 17 when I met Tony and he was 21. How was that supposed to work? Then there’s you, who’s even older then Tony but I felt I could connect with you all the same. Maybe I am too young and immature for either of you. I’m still a child in this messed up world in comparison to what you have been through and become. I really am naive to think that I could live up to your standards? Nobody but Joel and Tony reaches that level for you?
I know I failed as a friend to both you and Tony and even the rest of the guys because I broke the one rule you all kept to. That unspoken rule… I say it again, do you think I would have done it if my feelings weren’t true and real. Benji you yourself know I’m never sure about anything, but I would lay my life on the line just to prove that my feelings are true and pure. I love you, there’s no other way around it.
For some reason, I was incredibly tired after you dropped me off that night. Maybe it was the act of not saying anything for four hours as we drove home together, the act of holding back everything. At least you didn’t refuse to drive me home. Paul said it would be good for us to have the time alone to talk but little did he know that we neither of us would utter a word for four hours. My muscles ached and my eyes burned. That was probably from staring at you out of the corner of my eye for so long.
I collapsed onto the couch, not bothering to turn on any lights. A gust of cold air swept in and I realised I hadn’t closed the front door. I didn’t get up to do it. I was so drained. I don’t know how long I just lay there in the dark, my hot tears scalding my face. I can’t go on living this way. I either have to forget you completely, or try to make you mine again. There’s no way we can have what we had before. I fell asleep like that on the couch, my heart ripped into a million little pieces. If I pretend you’re there beside me, sometimes falling asleep isn’t so hard.
If all I could so was hold you, I would.
At first when I woke up I doubted that I had even fallen asleep as I felt as drained as I had when I layed down. But I did fall asleep, because I dreamt of you. I dreamt of you more than once. Damn you. I wanted nothing more than to hold you in my arms all night long, but that’s why our whole relationship fell apart. It had always been about what I wanted. Now I can’t have what I want and it’s killing me, slowly but surely. I just realised that I have really no idea how this is effecting you, except for the fact that you’re all cut up about me ruining you and Tony’s friendship. Do you even care that we don’t see each other any more, that we aren’t friends? Maybe you don’t even care about us or what we had? I never thought about that before. I suppose it doesn’t really matter though because no matter how you feel about me, I still love you, and if all I could do was hold you, I would.
But I can’t hold you, I have never been so miserable. And I know it is my fault. Although we are hardly ever together any more I can’t get away from you. From my thoughts of you. I thought moving 300km away from you would ease the pain or at least mute it. But nothing, but you can ease my shattered heart. I’m not sure I can live without you. But I think I have to try, at least… Because if I don’t I’ll never know if we could have been happy together like we once were. But its just so hard, and Benji, I really don’t think I’m strong enough…
Benji I have to tell you this… Even though I have only known you for two years, in my whole 19 years of existence, some of the happiest and most content times of my life were spent with you. The times when I thought I was worth something and that maybe everything would work out. They were all you!! That isn’t saying that Tony didn’t help pull me through the bad times, he did. But it was different. He made me hold on and keep going for him, you made me think I had to keep going for myself. I don’t know the significance of that except for the fact that your way was better.
I pray every night hoping that you’ll forgive me. That both you and Tony will forgive me and that we can have a semblance of what we had before. I don’t dare pray to get back what we had before because I shattered it beyond existence.
Everything I’ve said in this letter has been so complicated and confusing. And a lot of it would have seems like it might have been unnecessary for me to write. And I’m sure it will be the same to read but if you haven’t understood what I’m trying to say then here it is in plain black and white. I would have said it before but it took the act of writing this to actually figure it out.
You are now my whole reason for existing, and right now my only reason for existing.
I don’t know how to be happy if it isn’t with you and I don’t think it is possible. Well not for me any way.
I will always love you
No matter what you can count on that!! If your world turns upside down that’s one solid thing that you can hold on to. It will never change.
Forever yours
Larceny.