Days Of Our Lies
Chapter 1
By: Bella
"Don't you think I'm so sexy I'm dressed so fresh and… so fresh and so clean clean!" Joel sang in the shower as he washed himself under the arms. After he'd lathered and rinsed, he gave the arm pits the smell test just to be sure he did a good job. Satisfied with the irish spring scent that his arm pits gave off he turned off the water and reached out from behind the shower curtain, which was covered in a fancy lace and a floral design, to grab a towel. He frowned as he felt around in the towels' usual spot on the shelf above the toilet only to find that the towels had been replaced with an empty box of condoms. Angry, he shook around in the shower like a wet dog and then decided to make the trip to his bedroom in his birthday suit.
"Look, bitch! We've been over this a thousand times. 'Pablo's Tacos' sounds gay, it's gotta be 'Paco's Tacos!' … yeah man … uh huh … what?! Taco burger? Well fuck me in the ass, you just might be on to something. I think that sounds yummy!" Joel heard Paul yelling into the telephone as he made his way down the hall to his room. He shook his head as he continued down the hall. Just as he reached his room, Benji came out from his room which was located next to Joel's.
"Dude, put some clothes on," Benji said in disgust as he saw his wet, naked brother.
"Well I would if someone hadn't of taken all of the towels and expected me to dry off with a box of wang gloves!" he yelled at him as he entered his room. He knew it was Benji who was to blame.
"Oh yeah, sorry about that partner. I got me a virgin last night!" he exclaimed in his best hick accent. Unamused and disgusted, Joel slammed his bedroom door.
Hearing the slam, Billy emerged from his bedroom to see what was going on. He peeked his head out, which scared poor Benji and caused him to scream like a little girl.
"What the fuck?" said Billy.
"Dude! Don't you take off your makeup before you go to bed?" Benji asked. Billy was suffering from a bad case of what Benji liked to call "sloppy face." A sloppy face is never a good thing.
"No," Billy stated, not really caring.
Rolling his eyes, Benji marched into the bathroom and dug around under the sink. With a little bottle dropping, head banging on pipes, and cursing, he finally found what he was looking for.
"Here you go. I've got extra, so you can keep it," he said, handing Billy a box of makeup removing wipes. Billy just looked at him like he was the strangest person on earth. "It's not good to have sloppy face! Plus using these every night will save your skin."
Semi-gratefully accepting the beauty wipes, Billy took them into his neatly kept room and made a place for them in his vanity area.
"Man, today's like our only day off this decade. What should we do?" asked Billy, rummaging through his closet to find something to wear.
"We should go to K-Mart!" Benji exclaimed excitedly. His excitedness was met with confusion.
"Why would we go to K-Mart?" Billy asked.
"It's fun! And it's way more hard-core than shopping at Wal-Mart," Benji stated. All of the sudden there was a thump coming from Benji's room.
"Have some company?" Billy asked, knowing that there was most likely a lost soul barely over the age of 18 in Benji's bed at that moment.
"Uh… shit," Benji said, mentally kicking himself for not persuading her to have some fun in his junky old car the previous night so that she wouldn't have to sleep over. "How should I get rid of her?"
"Well, there's always the police drill you used on that fat chick one time, remember that? What was her name again?" Billy asked.
"Oh yeah!" Benji said, fondly remembering the experience. "All we had to do was scream 'Oh shit it's the cops, hide the crack Billy!' and she went running. Took my black silky sheets with her though. And I think my sparkly boxers too, because I never did find those. I don't remember her name, but damn was she flexible."
Billy groaned with disgust. "Dude, you're nasty."
Benji just gave him his best "cute and innocent" look while biting on one of his lip rings and shrugging his shoulders. Joel emerged from his room, now fully clothed.
"Sup?" he asked.
"We're trying to figure out a clever way to get rid of the whore in Benji's room," Billy whispered. He didn't want the mystery girl to hear him.
Benji interjected. "I'll have you know, Billy, that she's not a whore. There was no payment on my part whatsoever. Well, not unless you count an autograph."
Billy and Joel rolled their eyes in unison.
"Anyways. Got any ideas for me little brother?" Benji asked. Joel thought for a minute.
"Well, I'm guessing she's hung over. A girl has to be drinking to sleep with you," Joel said.
Benji shrugged his shoulders again. "Can't lie."
"Give her some of Paul's 'wonder pills' and tell her they're aspirin. She'll start feeling like shit, or rather like she has to take a shit, in about a half hour and then she'll want to go home," Joel said, referring to Paul's high potency laxatives that he bought from a smelly man at the park one night after a show while they were touring in Australia.
"Brilliant!" Benji said, giving his brother a hug.
"Dude, get off of me. You smell like sex," Joel said in a disgusted tone. Benji quickly let go of the embrace, flipped him off, and went to find Paul.
---
"Dude, that was way too easy," Benji said after he had shut the front door. The poor girl had run out of it and into her friend's car which could be heard screeching down the street. "Suggesting that she call her friend to pick her up was pure genius. I was worried she'd shit all over my car."
"I know. What can I say? I obviously got all of the smart genes," Joel said, laying down on the couch in the living room and channel surfing. "What are we going to do today? I'm bored already."
"Well, I suggested a fun filled day at K-Mart, but snobby little Billy here doesn't like that idea," Benji complained. Paul entered the room from the kitchen.
"I wanna go downtown," he whined. They all looked at him strangely. "We can buy puppies at the pound and buy tons of dog food and leave them with bums sleeping in the park!"
Billy raised his eyebrows with interest. "You know what? That's a really good idea!"
And so not too long later they were at a grocery store, because they had determined that it would probably be a better idea to buy the puppies last.
"Do you think we should buy wet food or dry food?" Joel asked once they reached the dog food isle.
"Dry food, duh," Billy replied sounding like a know-it-all. "Homeless people don't have can openers."
"Good point," Joel replied, putting a bunch of small bags of dry puppy chow into their cart. Benji helped him and before they knew it they had a cart full of it.
"Ok, now what about dog treats?" Paul asked, eyeing the treat section.
"Oh yeah," Joel agreed, pushing the heavy cart over to the treat section. They all selected different and various types of dog treats. Deciding that they needed fancy collars as well, they grabbed some of those too.
"We done?" Benji asked impatiently. He got bored easily.
"We should get congratulation cards too!" Billy suggested, running for the greeting card isle. They all followed. After Billy had selected some congratulation cards, Paul suggested that they get gift bags to put the dog food, treats, and cards in. Agreeing, Billy left and quickly returned with a second cart. After getting some large gift bags, Benji noticed the candy section and suggested that bums like candy too. After they all chose lots of their favorite kinds of candy, Paul said that candy always made him thirsty. So they went to the refreshments isle and loaded up on bottled water and soda.
"Ok, should we get in line now?" Joel asked, thinking that they had just about everything that a bum could want.
"Wait!" Benji shouted, sprinting toward the hygiene isle. "Condoms!"
"Good lord, you're out of condoms again?" Paul asked.
"No way. I bought a big pack at Costco last weekend, fool. I mean for the bums. Bums need lovin' too, don't you think? And all lovin' should be safe lovin'," he reasoned, throwing a few boxes of trojan "her pleasures" in the cart. As they walked down the isle Joel noticed the tooth brushes.
"Hey, we should give them tooth brushes and tooth paste too!" he exclaimed, grabbing some different colored tooth brushes and minty flavored tooth paste.
"Tarter control, whitening, or sensitive?" he asked, holding up the different tooth paste options.
"All?" Billy unknowingly suggested, prompting Joel to throw them all in the cart. Billy added some packages of dental floss.
"Ok, ok. I think we have enough now," Paul said, guiding one of the carts toward a check out line. The rest followed in suit.
Author's note: I do not encourage buying puppies, or any other living animal for that matter, and giving them to strangers. This demented idea was created and intended for your entertainment only, and should not influence any real actions. However, buying personal hygiene items, greeting cards, food, refreshments, or anything else and giving them to the needy is innocent and fun as long as you stay safe. A little rule for you all to remember the next time you shop for gifts… the only nice gifts to give are ones that don't poop.