My Angel
Chapter 6
By: Bella
(Six Months Later)
For the first consistent time in my life, I was truly and unmistakably happy. I was on new medication, and although I think that it definitely made a difference I felt that it wasn't the only thing that contributed to this drastic change. I finally had the will to change. I think that in order to change your life you have to really, truly want that change in your heart or hearts, and have the motivation to get out of the darkness that plagues your mind and really take a look at yourself and your life. Life isn't worth living when you're living in the dark.
I remember the day it all changed again. All of the times that I had tried to run from myself, my life, my problems had not prepared me for the unexpected turn that was about to take place. It was a beautiful day outside by most standards. The sun was out, it wasn't too cold but not too warm either, there were a few clouds, and I was getting ready to take a walk with Becky that afternoon to take advantage of the weather. As I tied my tennis shoes, the phone rang. After a couple of rings no one had bothered to answer it, so I did. What I heard my doctor say on the other end sent a shot of disbelief throughout my body. I dropped the phone.
---
I slowly fell back into old habits. It was amazing how accustomed I had become to being a miserable person. I almost never left my bed. In part because I was very weak, and in part because I didn't want to face the world outside of my bedroom anymore. I looked around my bedroom, and realized that it really was a reflection of me. It was almost empty, which was how I felt. The walls were plain and white with a few things hanging here and there, but nothing that would catch anyone's eye in particular. I had many books, but I hardly read anymore because I found myself unable to focus. Just about the only thing that I did all day was lay in bed and stare blankly at the television across from it that sat on my dresser.
One day I heard a light knock on my bedroom door. A head peeked in, it was Joel. He visited me often, and always brought flowers. That day was no exception. He put a bouquet of daisies on the night stand next to my bed and bent down and kissed my forehead. No words were exchanged, he just sat on my bed next to me and watched tv with me. It was our usual routine.
After an episode of South Park, he started playing with the new hat rack that I had above my bed. By then I had quite the collection of hats. All different sizes, shapes, styles. He tried a few of them on, which made me laugh a little.
"I wish you wouldn't wear these, Mar," he said, turning serious. "You're beautiful. You don't ever have to wear a hat, especially around me."
I instinctively grabbed at the edges of my knit cap and pulled it down a little further.
"You haven't let me see you without it yet, since … you know," he said. He was right. I hadn't let anyone see me, except my doctor, without a hat since I had started chemotherapy. Chemo had failed, and although I had stopped it, I was still in the process of growing my hair back. "You're not yourself anymore. You were finally starting to come out of your shell. You finally had a passion for life, and I was so happy for you. I'll always love you, you know. I just wish it didn't all have to go down like this."
A tear slipped down my cheek. It was followed by more. And more. Soon, I was sitting there crying crocodile tears.
"I'm sorry," he apologized. "I didn't mean to upset you like that."
"No, it's not your fault," I said, still crying. "I don't want to be this way, but I can't help it. It's not fair, Joel, it's not fair!"
He hugged me and let me cry into his shoulder.
"I really wanted it to cure everything, but it was too late. Now I'm bald and weak and for what? I'm still where I was before. Waiting to die. All I ever wanted was a simple life. I just wanted to be happy and know what it felt like to care for living as passionately as you do. I wasted my life waiting for it to end, and now that it's going to end I don't want to go. I want to stay here with you. I want to stay here and finish what I tried to start before I was so rudely interrupted. Was I destined to be like this? It seems like such a waste."
A tear now slid down his cheek. "Your life wasn't a waste. You are important to a lot of people, and whether you'll ever admit it to yourself you mean the world to me. What am I going to do without you? I'll miss you so much."
"I'll watch over you," I vowed.
---
I remember the look on Joel's face at the funeral. The look of pain. I knew that if I could still feel, I'd feel sick to my stomach after looking at him. We had grown even closer the last few months of my life, and it was hard for me to leave him. He had brought so much adventure into my dull and inexperienced life. He was my first love, and I cherished the happy times we spent together. I knew when it was my time to go. I was prepared, and I had tried to prepare him as best as I could.
Now, as I vowed, I watch over him. I watch over him like an angel, but I don't believe that I'm the real angel. He's my angel. And I'll continue to watch over my angel until we can be together again.
The End.