Captivated
Chapter 5
By: Bernadette
It was almost another hour before the door would open again, but by then Aidan was already fast asleep. Joel pushed past Benji, excitedly. "First dibs on the shower!" Joel yelled as he ran in the general direction of the bathroom in the dark.
Benji walked slowly into the room. He turned on the light then closed the door behind him quietly. He saw how Aidan stood up and left the show earlier. He didn't really think any thing of it until he realized she never returned. When he realized she was gone Benji withdrew more into himself. He walked backstage immediately after the show ended hoping to find Aidan there, but to his dismay she was nowhere in sight.
She didn’t want to see him perform. Why would she? He didn't care about her for the last year. Why should she take an interest in what his passion was? What twisted the knife even more was Benji knew over the last three days his feelings for Aidan were turning into something more than friendship. He stayed up at night to listen to her breathe. He memorized the way her body felt pressed against his own because Benji knew after Aidan knew his secret she wouldn't want to be near him anymore. She would pull away.
Benji turned around intending to sit on the small couch until Joel was done with his shower. It was then he saw her. Benji stood stock-still. Almost as if he dared to breathe too loud she would disappear. Why is she here?
Benji didn't know and he didn't intend to wake her to find out. He walked closer, stopping in front of her. He looked down and watched her sleep, thinking about how different things could have been. Benji wished he hadn't shut her out. If he had told her about how he was really feeling inside maybe he wouldn't be so fucked up now. Why can't I be strong like her? She's so perfect. She faces everything. She doesn't run and hide like I do.
Benji didn't realize how long he had been standing there until Joel came out of the shower. "Dude, what are you doing?" Joel asked his brother when he saw Benji wasn't moving. He glanced down at the couch and saw Aidan asleep.
"Oh…" He said in a lower tone of voice. Benji still made no move to wake her or even look up at Joel. He was hypnotized by Aidan's presence. Joel had a feeling he knew why, but decided to leave it alone. He knew Benji wouldn't want to talk about it.
Joel sighed softly. "Me and the guys are goin out since it's our last night in LA. You wanna come?"
Benji shook his head no, still not bothering to look at his brother.
"All right. Well see you tomorrow then. Don't forget you gotta be back by noon," Joel said and left the dressing room quickly.
Benji decided to take his shower first before waking Aidan up. He felt extremely dirty all of a sudden. The stickiness and sweat on his body making him feel uncomfortable. He couldn't touch her while he was in this state. He had to clean himself. He was fast in the shower, only taking fifteen minutes to scrub himself clean and get dressed.
When Benji entered the dressing room he found Aidan awake and huddled next to Joel talking quietly, but earnestly. They both stopped and looked at Benji guiltily as if they had been doing something wrong when he stepped further into the room.
"Well gotta go now. Bye Aid. See ya Benj," Joel said quickly and kissed Aidan's forehead before rushing out of the room.
Benji saw red, but remained quiet. What the hell does Joel think he's doing talking to her and kissing her? He can't have her. No way he's doing to her what he does to all those other girls. Aidan's mine! He thought viciously.
Aidan looked at Benji, patiently waiting. "You coming over again tonight?" She asked quietly.
Suddenly Benji was unsure again. Does she really want me there? Or is she just doing it because she feels sorry for me? I need to be near her.
"Is it okay?" he asked hesitantly.
Aidan nodded. "Yeah. You ready to go?"
Benji nodded and lead her out of the venue, but then let her lead the way to her car. He was grateful no fans spotted him.
The ride to her house was in silence. Benji hated his emotions. In a way he was glad they were leaving the next day. He couldn't keep dodging Aidan's subtle questions about what was wrong with him. But Benji hated that they were leaving too. He didn't want to leave Aidan behind. He needed her to be near. She made him feel alive. He didn't feel alone or lost when she's with him. Benji hated himself even more because he couldn’t tell her everything he was feeling like he used too. He didn't like to keep things hidden from her, but he knew he couldn't tell her. It would change everything. He would always be that friend she has that had 'personal issues' to deal with. Benji didn't want that label even if it was true. He had to remain her friend, even though deep down he was crying out for more. How could he expect to be more if he couldn't even deal with his own fucking problems?
---
Aidan could feel the tension in the silence. She could tell Benji was battling something. Something he was dying inside to tell her but couldn't. She hated it. Aidan hated that her best friend who used to be able to tell her anything was making himself suffer in silence because he thought he couldn't tell her. Aidan didn't care what it was. All he had to do was tell her. She would help him through anything. Aidan wanted him to know that, but she had tried. She tried over and over again. Countless times she called and left dozens of messages on his cell phone, but a year ago Benji didn't need her. Not to help him through whatever it was that breaking his spirit.
Aidan became angry. How could he? He pushed her away, pretending she didn't exist and now he clinged to her like she was all he had. How could she help him if he didn't tell her what was wrong? Aidan hated this. She hated the position he put her in. The Benji she used to know would have called her the moment something was wrong in his world. This Benji sitting next to her wasn't the same. He hadn't been the same in a long time. It was more than a year that something was bothering him, Aidan knew. It was just a year ago that Aidan realized it. This wasn't her Benji anymore and it hurt. Aidan doubted that she would ever get her Benji back.
---
They entered her apartment. Still in silence, neither one having spoken a word since leaving the venue. Aidan dumped her purse and keys on the couch in the living room. She entered her bedroom with Benji following quietly behind her. She turned and faced him.
"Why can't you just tell me what's wrong?" Aidan demanded. She finally snapped irritated with the way everything was turning out.
Benji froze in shock but quickly scowled at her. "Because I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I don't want you to think that just because I don’t have you around I'll end it. I don't want you like that!" He yelled back, but instantly regretted it. He didn’t' want her to know and now she did. Everything was ruined. He couldn't even look at her now. It would all be different.
Aidan's jaw dropped. That was it. She should have known that's what he had been thinking about. He had all the classic signs, but she had been blind to them. He was her friend so she didn't think he would use that as a method of dealing. Suddenly it hit her hard. He's been thinking about it for years. She rushed to him and wrapped her arms around him. Holding him tightly, afraid he might suddenly be snatched from her. "Don't you dare leave me. I swear to god Benji. Don't you leave me again," she told him fiercely.
Benji froze. All she heard was what he had been trying to hide from her, like he knew she would. Now that would be all she would think of when she saw him. He couldn't face her. He had to leave. He didn't want to see that pitiful look in her eyes. He had to go before she could ask him all kinds of questions he didn't want to answer. He pulled out of her embrace, but she held him tighter. "Aid, let go." He said quietly.
He looked down and saw her shake her head against his chest. She clung to him as if her life depended on it. "Aid, I gotta go." He said, raising his voice slightly. He was trying to sound firm, but only ended up sounding defeated.
"No you don't. You can stay like you've been doing for the past three nights. Please Benji, stay for me," she pleaded, not letting of him.
Benji closed his eyes for a moment and then sighed. "You already feel sorry for me. I'm going Aid. I have to go."
To Aidan he sounded like he was going to cry. She looked up at his face. "I don't feel sorry for you. Stop assuming how I feel! All I've wanted to do is help you. You're the one who abandoned me without giving me a choice. We're friends Benji, despite everything else. You never let me figure out how I feel. You just cut me off without a goodbye. How do you think I feel? Do you think it was easy for me? How do you think I cope? You're not the only one who thinks about suicide. I did too, but I was even more scared of death so I did the next best thing," she raved at him. She was so unbelievably angry that she couldn't help herself. She hadn't planned on telling him this part about her, but she didn't want to hold it in anymore.
Aidan stepped back from him and pulled her long sleeve t-shirt over her head, tossing it aside.
Benji looked away quickly. He didn't understand what she was doing and he didn't want to stare at her. He looked back at her when she held her arms up for his scrutiny. His eyes widened at the scars that ran all over them up high so they could be hidden underneath a short sleeved T-shirt. There weren't any new ones he noticed, but they were there and that rocked him to the core. He never knew she had been a cutter. It never occurred to him she would do something so drastic as harm herself. Suddenly there are things he didn't know about her and Benji didn't know how to feel. Why didn't she say anything?
Aidan looked at him with a stony expression. Her face softened when she saw him stare at her arms in shock. He reached out and traced one of the lines gently. Aidan shivered, but let him analyze what he was seeing.
"How long?" He asked quietly as he looked up at her face.
Aidan looked away. "It stopped a year ago," she explained.
Benji stomach dropped. He couldn't believe it. How could he not have seen what she was going through? If he was going through the same thing. Then he thought of something. He gazed at her face. “How did you stop?”
Aidan glanced back at Benji and she saw the need in his eyes. The need for someone to help him because he was spinning out of control. He knew he needed help. And now he wanted it. Deep down a spark of hope ignited inside Aidan. If he was willing to hear then maybe he was willing to talk as well. "Because I wanted to. There's no big secret trick to stop. You have to want too, that's the first step," she said.
Benji hung his head, in defeat. He had hoped she would know how to make it go away. Benji felt even more trapped than before, because now she knew. She couldn't help him. He knew it would never end. The despair was eating him up inside with no way out. "I have to go," he mumbled. He headed out her bedroom making it through her front door quickly before she could protest.
"Benji!"
He heard her shout for him after he stepped outside. He didn't want to turn around, but he did. He saw her running for him. His eyes widened. "Aid, get back inside! Your shirt!" He protested when he saw she still wore no shirt. Just her bra was visible.
Aidan ignored his protests and kept running until she was standing in front of him.
"Damn it Aid. Get inside!" He demanded.
Aidan shook her head. "Not if you're gonna leave. I'll stand out here if I want to," she told him definitely.
Benji growled in anger. He looked around to make sure no one would see her, even though it was late and dark out. He saw random people walking down the street. "Aid get inside!" he demanded more forcefully.
Aidan stood her ground. "No!" She repeated.
Benji pulled his own t-shirt over his head and shoved it over hers, but she fought him.
"Fucking Christ Aidan! Stop it! Just put the damn shirt on!" He yelled at her.
"No!" She yelled back. "I'll stand out here fucking naked if I want too! I came out here because I don't want you to leave until we talk. Don't shut me out Benji, not anymore. You called me because you wanted to talk. I know deep down you want help. You're just too fucking scared to ask!" She fumed at him. He had managed to get the shirt over her head, but no further. She pulled it off and threw it at him for good measure. She knew it would continue to make him mad.
Benji growled again. He grabbed her hand and dragged her back inside her apartment. He slammed the door behind them. He stood and looked at her angrily. When she matched his glare he sighed. He pushed the t-shirt overhead again. Aidan started to struggle, but instead of yelling at her he spoke quietly. "Please, Aid. Put it on. I can't look at you like that."
Aidan lowered her eyes, realizing he didn't want to look at her scars anymore. They were ugly she knew. She pulled the t-shirt down and slipped her arms through the sleeves. She kept her gaze on the floor.
Benji saw her reaction and realized she had misunderstood him. He reached under her chin and forced her to look at him. "Aid, I didn't mean it like that. I can't look at you because I want you," he explained.
Aidan's eyes widened. What did he say?
"God, you have no idea how much I want you right now," he added in a whisper.
Aidan looked into his eyes and knew he was telling her the truth. He never could lie to her. When he reached for her, Aidan gladly went into his arms. She closed her eyes, memorizing the feel of him. This was different from any other time he hugged her. He wasn't hugging her as a friend.
"Fuck! Aid, what are we gonna do? I have to leave in the morning. We're leaving LA tomorrow. I don't want to leave you. I can't," he said against her hair.
"Will you promise me something?" She asked simply.
Benji pulled his head back to look at her. She didn't do the whole begging him not to go routine. She knew he had to leave and she accepted it. "Anything you want. Just ask."
Aidan reached up and traced his pierced bottom lip with her thumb, cupping his cheek. "When you have a bad day you'll call me so we can talk about it."
Benji smiled. "Baby, I'm calling you everyday, even if you don't want me too," he vowed.
Aidan raised a single eyebrow at him. "SO it's baby now is it?" She asked.
Benji captured her thumb in his mouth and bit down on it gently. He nodded his head as he looked into her eyes.
Aidan held her breath at the feel of his tongue. The barbell in his tongue was strangely erotic. His mouth was soft and warm. She blushed at what she felt and started to pull her thumb away. Benji bit down just hard enough to keep it in his mouth. When she stopped struggling he let the pressure go. Slowly Aidan pulled her thumb free. Watching herself remove it as it passed through the smoothness of his inner lips. It sends shockwaves of pleasure through her.
They looked into each other's eyes, both unsure of what to say next. Aidan looked away first. Benji smiled at her and turned her head back. Aidan looked at him and was struck speechless.
Oh god what the hell is he thinking?
"Time for bed," he said softly.
Aidan nodded. She would miss him when he left, but when the tour was over she would see him again and they could further explore this new transition in their relationship.
Aidan fell asleep that night wrapped in Benji's arms and for once she wasn't worried about him. It felt good.