Captivated
Chapter 8
By: Bernadette
Joel saw that Benji had retreated into himself once more and snatched the knife up. He closed it and stuffed it in his pocket. He bent and covered Benji's thigh with the towel he had tossed his brother just a moment ago.
It was a few seconds before Benji realized what his brother was doing. Benji looked at Joel as he helped stop the bleeding. They stared at each other for a long time.
Aidan watched for a moment, amazed at the silent communication that passed between the brothers, but then quickly left the bathroom to give them privacy.
---
Joel stared at him. Why didn't you tell me?
Benji looked away, ashamed. "I couldn't," he wiped at his eyes impatiently. "You had it all together. I didn't want you to worry about me," Benji answered Joel's silent question.
"Is that what you thought? That you were alone? You're never alone, Benj. You always have me, no matter what," Joel said softly.
Benji looked up and glared at his twin, when he remembered how he saw Joel and Aidan together. Why were you holding Aidan's hand?
Joel scowled at Benji's glare. "I don't like her like that! JESUS fucking Christ BENJI! You don't talk to me any more! I was trying to get her alone so I could talk to her about YOU! I would never try to get at her. Fuck Benji! You've been in love with her since high school. I would never do that to you!" Joel shouted, irritated that his brother would think that of him.
Benji looked at his twin in shock. How could he possibly know that? Even I didn't know.
Joel rolled his eyes impatiently. "Benj, you've been in denial for like five years. You're in love with Aidan. I've always known that. Why do you think I never tagged along when ever you asked me to go hang with you guys? I knew you didn't mean it. I knew you wanted her to yourself. Ha you think I have it together, well you're wrong. How do you think I felt? You had Aidan. I didn't have anybody, not even my own twin. You just started doing this. Well I hate to break this perfect picture you have of me, but I've been doing it for years." Joel stated. He pulled back the wristband that he always wore and exposed his wrist to his brother.
Benji looked at his own brother in shock. Why didn't you tell me?
Joel shrugged. "You always had Aidan. I didn't want to make you feel like you had to choose between us. You needed her more than I needed you," Joel said.
Benji did the only thing he could think of to comfort his twin in that moment. He wrapped his arms around him and held him tight.
Tears sprang to Joel's eyes. He hasn't hugged his brother in a while.
"Fuckin 'eye Joel. We're both fucked up," Benji said.
Joel laughed lightly at his attempted humor. He pulled back and looked at his brother. "Don't you ever fucking do that again Benj! I swear to fucking god!" Joel told him sternly.
Benji looked away because he knew he couldn't promise. No matter how much he wanted too.
"Oh fuck! We should go cancel the show. You can't play like this. I'm gonna go tell-"
"NO!" Benji protested so adamantly that Joel flinched back.
"Sorry, but no. I can play. I'll be fine. Just get me a first aid kit. I just won't be jumpin is all."
Joel frowned. You sure?
"Yes Joel, I'm sure," Benji responded to Joel's silent question. They never thought about how different they communicated compared to other people. It was always natural for them.
Joel stood and helped Benji to his feet. Slowly they made their way out of the bathroom and into the dressing room.
Benji looked around, his eyes immediately seeking Aidan's presence. He panicked when he saw she wasn't there. "Joel! You gotta find Aidan. Please! She's all I have. I can't lose her," Benji pleaded with his twin.
Joel looked at his twin and knew he couldn't deny him. Fuck! We are so late for sound check. They are gonna be pissed, Joel thought absently.
"I know," Benji responded.
Joel sighed. "All right. Stay here. I'll find her." With that Joel was gone.
Benji watched his other half disappear through the door and hoped he found Aidan. He didn't know what he would do if she left him. Benji didn't know what he was going to do when she had to leave again to go back home. He knew she couldn't stay for the rest of the tour. As much as he hated it he knew he was going to have to let her go. Benji squeezed his eyes shut as he thought about what he was going to have to do to convince her he would okay when she left.
---
Joel ran for the bus. Something told him that's where she would go. "Aidan? You okay? Aid? Answer me!" Joel demanded as he climbed on to the tour bus.
"I'm fine Joel. How's Benji? Is he okay?"
He heard her respond. He found her in the small bathroom. Joel saw her as she was trying to bandage her hand. She wasn't doing a good job. "Here let me," he said as he took the gauze from her. He wrapped her hand gently and used taped it securely.
Aidan sighed as she watched him.
"You should get this looked at. You might need stitches," he said.
Aidan shook her head. "No, I'll be all right. How's Benji?" She asked again.
Joel sighed. "He's all right for now. But he wants to see you. Aid, I don't know what to do anymore. I know he needs help, but he doesn't want to cancel the tour. I should tell somebody. He can't keep going on like this," Joel said as he looked at her pleadingly. His eyes were begging her for answers that he couldn't think of on his own.
"I don't know what you should do either. All I do know is that music is one of the things that make him happy. It's the one constant he had. Honestly if he didn't have that I don't know where he would be right now. Joel I wish I knew what to tell you, but I don't. I've seen this so many times, but it's always different. People do things for very different reasons. I do know that he's moved away from thinking about suicide and reverted to cutting. Although it's very little improvement it's one thing I'm extremely grateful for," She said seriously, though there were tears in her eyes.
Joel's eyes widened. He knew that what she was saying was true. He didn't know about the suicide thoughts, but it fit in his mind. "It's because of you. He's been different since he saw you again. I don't know what happened before when he stopped talking to you. But since he saw you in LA he's changed. Or at least he did for those four days. Maybe not on the outside, but he seemed less sad. Then when we left he seemed okay for a while, but for the last month and a half he's been like how he was before he saw you again. I tried talking to him, but he avoids me. My own fucking twin won't talk to me, but he calls you. He needs YOU Aidan. He always has." Joel said firmly. He knew everything he said was true and he knew Aidan knew it too. The tears running down her face proved it.
"He's not strong enough on his own. When you left Waldorf after graduation he lost a part of himself. Deep down I always knew that, but I thought he was okay. I thought music helped him ease the pain, but it half of him was already gone. That's what all of this is about. He was missing apart of himself and he didn't know why. Not until he saw you again," Joel explained, revealing insight to his brother to someone else for the first time. Joel knew no one could understand his twin, but Aidan.
Aidan looked at Joel through her tears. "I'm sorry." She managed to say.
Joel frowned confused. For what? He thought not realizing he didn't speak out loud.
"I'm sorry that it wasn't you that he needed."
Joel looked at her stricken. He was shocked she knew. "I don't hate you. Please don't think that. I was jealous for a while, but I've always known you two belong together. Ever since freshman year once he met you. I knew he would always need you. I could see it in his eyes. You understand him even better than I ever did. You were always there for him when he got hurt. In a way I can't be. I could never hate you for that Aidan. I'm so grateful for you. I'm glad he has you to love. He wouldn't be here if he didn't have you. I know that." Joel told her.
Aidan was trying to hold back her sobs. Her throat closed up and almost prevents her from speaking, but she managed. "He needs you too." She tried to say more, but couldn't.
Joel hugged her gently. "Yeah, but not as much as he needs you. How long can you stay?" Joel said into her ear.
Aidan pulled away and wiped at her eyes. "I got a week, but I don't think I can leave him. Not like this," she said.
Joel grabbed her hand. "Come on. We better go before he gets worried," Joel said and dragged her back to the dressing room.
---
Benji sat in a chair biting his fingernail. He was afraid Aidan didn't want to see him. What if she was afraid? He cut her with a knife. He wouldn't go near himself either if he were her. That's what you fucking get Madden! You're so fucked up you hurt your friends. What the fuck is wrong with you?
Benji frowned at his thoughts. He was fucked up. As much as he needed Aidan how could he ask her to deal with this too? He shouldn't have called her and asked her to come. If he hadn't then she wouldn't have gotten hurt. You mean you wouldn't have hurt her! He reminded himself.
Benji rubbed his face aggressively wanting everything to just disappear. Why did it have to be like this? Why couldn't he just be happy? Just once for five minutes why couldn't he be okay with things? Benji growled softly to himself. Knowing he couldn't change things, not now.
He looked up when he heard the door open. He was ready to snap at who ever it was that he wasn't ready to do sound check yet. He couldn't go on until he saw Aidan and saw that she was okay. He froze when he saw Joel peek his head inside. Oh god I knew it! She doesn't want to see me.
"Hey, she's here. You want me to stay?" Joel asked gently.
Benji's heart leaped. She's here! She's here! She came back! Inside he was doing cartwheels, but calmly he shook his head no at his brother. He sucked in a breath when he saw Aidan enter the room and closed the door behind her.
When she turned and looked at him it almost broke his heart. He wanted to rush to her and hold her, but he wasn't sure if she would be okay with that. He just hurt her with a knife after all. Wouldn't she be afraid of him? Benji was relieved of his dilemma when Aidan rushed to him and wrapped her arms around him, sobbing into his chest.
It was in that moment Benji knew he couldn't keep doing this anymore. He couldn't keep hurting her or himself. He had to stop. He needed to get help. He hugged her back, stroking her hair. "Shush baby, don't cry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry about all of it. I never meant to hurt you Aidan. I won't ever do it again I swear to god. I'll get help. After the tour I'll go talk to someone. I'll see a doctor. I promise. Please just don't cry. I'm so sorry," Benji said as tears flooded his eyes.
Aidan pressed him closer to her as she heard him. Her cries didn't stop, but continued in relief. If he wanted help then she knew he was truly going to be okay this time. He wasn't pretending for her benefit. Aidan knew he wasn't lying.
"Aidan, I love you. I'm sorry I've done so much to hurt you. I swear to god I will never hurt you again. I love you so much. I can't be without you. I need you to be here. I need you to be with me the rest of the tour. Please will you stay with me?" He begged into her hair. Benji was too afraid to look in her eyes. He was afraid to see the truth in them.
His heart stopped when he felt Aidan pull back so she could look at him. He couldn't breath again. She looked so beautiful. He just wanted to hold her and let everything else fade away.
Aidan reached up and cupped Benji's cheek. She smiled softly when she heard his intake of breath at her touch. "I love you too Benji, but don't do it for me. Do it for yourself. I want you to be happy because you want to be happy. Not because you think you should be because of me. I want you to be who you are. Not someone you think I want you to be. As long as you know that. I'll stay as long as you want," she told him truthfully.
Benji smiled at her. "You'll stay? Really?" he asked as if he might have heard her wrong.
Aidan grinned back. "Yeah I'll stay. I don't want to be away from you either."
Benji's heart leaped for joy. She was staying. She would be by his side for the next three months that he had left of touring. He really didn't deserve her. He looked into her eyes and he saw something he thought he would never see. He saw her friendship as he always had, but now he saw the love. The love for him that had always been there, but was hidden.
Benji knew Joel was right. Benji may have just discovered his love for Aidan, but he's always loved her. When he first saw her and looked into her eyes he knew. In the beginning Benji wanted her heart because from that moment she captivated him and he knew she always would. Benji leaned forward and sealed their new future with a kiss. A kiss that promised only good things would come.
Aidan deepened the kiss, making her own silent promise. She could feel it deep in her heart. Eventually things would be all right. They had a tough road ahead, but they made it this far. They could do the rest no problem. Aidan knew they would be okay.
The End.