Noise and Kisses
Chapter 2
By: Bex
His hair was as sloppy as usual but this time it didn't look like it had been done that way on purpose. He looked pale, more so than usual, his skin literally hanging in place as he tugged at a shirt Joel could almost swear he had worn the day before.
"Benji?" Joel asked his voice just above a whisper as he glanced at his other band mates from across the room. Yes, Benji was their band mate as well, but above that he was Joel's brother. His other half, his better half, who at that moment looked as though he had been through the ringer and then some. "You ok?"
"Huh?" Benji asked, visibly shaken by Joel's sudden line of questioning. It was almost as if he had been on screensaver, his eyes wide awake while the rest of his body was heavy in a sleep he looked like he so desperately needed. "What did you say?"
"I said are you all right?" Joel repeated, his voice as even as possible as he tried to study his twin. Something was off inside of him and it was obvious. "You look tired as hell."
"Oh." Benji nodded, swallowing the lump in his throat as he peered at Joel through bloodshot sleep laden eyes. "Yeah Izzy kept me up most of the night."
"Damn." Joel grinned, his concerned frown turning to an exuberant smile in seconds. "Lucky man."
"What?" Benji asked, oblivious to the raise in Joel's bushy eyebrows. They might have shared looks, but their trains of thought were distinctly their own. "What are you talking about?"
"Kept you up most of the night." Joel whispered, dipping his eyes as he dropped his voice. "How was it?"
"Jesus Christ." Benji swore, licking his cracked lips with blatant annoyance. Standing as quickly as possible, he needed to get out of the suddenly crowded room; he couldn't stand being so surrounded even if it was only in his head. "You don't even understand."
"Understand what?" Joel asked, confused beyond repair as he watched his brother stride out of the room with determination set on escape.
Joel didn't understand anything; none of them did, no matter how hard they tried. And they tried, he had to give them credit at least for that, they meant well. Still, everything was sunshine and daisies to them, especially Joel, his Joel. He didn't understand, they had both been raised in such darkness, but now it seemed as if Joel refused to see it. It was if he shunned the thought that anything could be that bad again, anything could be that scary again. Maybe that wasn't such a bad thing, he didn't need to face himself with the bad.
But what he didn't realize was that it was the shade that defined the light, and that things could be that scary. For Benji, things were that scary, and that was life.
The razor was screaming her name almost as loudly as the singer on the radio was screaming his lyrics. She wanted so badly to run for them, take them into her arms and lovingly slice their presence into her skin. But she couldn't, she wouldn't, she had promised him she wouldn't cut anymore. She had promised him she wouldn't indulge in the sweet kiss of the razor, just the sweet kiss of him. She had meant it at the time, but how could she be held responsible for that? She hadn't been thinking clearly. She had just come off the heady daze of warm metal against her flesh, how could he expect her to make sense?
But she had promised nonetheless and now she was paying for it.
"I won't." She reasoned out loud, the sound of her own voice soft and familiar if not stern in its resolve. "I won't do it." She whispered this time, her eyes peering out of their corners. From her position on the bed she could clearly make out the warm comforting outline of a fresh pack of razors on the bathroom counter. Benji had gone on a cleaning spree, tossing out all the rusty razor blades she had accumulated over the past months. Like prized gems she hoarded them, never able to toss one away when it had worn out its welcome and sharp edge. They all had memories encased in their shiny skin; she couldn't bare to see them go.
But Benji was so persistent and true to his word. Earlier that morning he had rummaged through bathroom cabinets and bedroom boxes. Anywhere and everywhere he emptied out its hidden escapes. And she had watched, wide eyed but silent as he carefully encased them in a brown paper bag and carried them out to the garbage waiting at the curb. He said he was proud of her for not making a scene, but he had no idea. He had no idea how hard it had been for her not to rush outside in her underwear and clutch the bag to her chest. How much resolve it took not to tear the bag from his hands and tear it against her skin. He had no idea how soon after he left she had raced to the store and purchased new.
She didn't know why she had done it; she had every intention of keeping her word. Still, it was like something inside of he had made her do it. It was like for those ten minutes while she was driving to and from the store; there was another person inside of her leading the way telling her what to do. Now as she sat clutching an unread magazine to her lap, she needed that other voice to go away. She couldn't break her promise to Benji, because she knew it would break him.
"I won't." She whispered, slowly stepping her way into the bathroom and uncasing the shiny pieces of metal perfection. "I will not." She swore, holding them to her skin. "I won't." She hissed once more, the blade against her skin and the words dying in her mouth, "I will...."