Irreversible Mistake
Chapter 6
By: Complicated
Obviously, we lied to Benji. We told him we were arguing over when I'd be leaving. I said that I was leaving Monday and that Joel was asking me not to leave. And he believed us, he had no reason to doubt us. As if matters weren't bad enough, Benji insisted that Joel join us for dinner. Joel and I should've gotten Academy awards for our performances.
" Benji, can I ask you something?," I asked as he drove me to the airport, Monday had come faster than expected.
" Of course you can," he replied, taking my hand in his. " What's up?"
" You once told me that you saw me lost in Joel's eyes? Do you still see that? What changed?" I was almost scared of the answer.
" I still see that," he sighed.
" You still see me lost in Joel's eyes? Then why are you here with me now? Why have we spent every night together for the past twod a half weeks?" I was really curious. I needed to know the answer.
" Hmm," smiled Benji. " It's been a good two weeks, why am I here? Why do I kiss you and touch you and want to lay with you every night? Because now I see you lost in my eyes, too." His fingers played with mine. " It's a risk I am willing to take." He finally looked at me. " I have never fought with Joel over a girl. For some reason he doesn't see in you what I do. Yet you see something in me that reminds you of him." Tears brimmed my eyes.
" Benji," I said quietly, "look at me." I took his face in my hands, those sweet brown eyes looking back at me. " I am not with you because you remind me of Joel. But because you don't." I gently kissed his lips. He smiled.
" Let's not dwell on it," he whispered. "Just kiss me and let me know when you will be back." And I smiled. How could I not fall for this man? And I let Benji pull me into his arms. But I must admit that Joel hadn't completely left my mind.
That night it was hard for me to fall asleep, I didn't have Benji. I immersed myself in work for the following two weeks. I recorded music with Simple Plan and The Used. I made new friends, the guys were sweet and talented. I spoke to Benji everyday, he made it his mission to call me regardless of the time or however busy they were. He was psyched about me coming back and joining them. I wish I could say that I got over Joel but Joel wouldn't let me. He emailed me everyday, I didn't reply, but I did read them and that was enough. I felt horrible, I felt cheap and dirty. How the hell did I manage to fall for twins? How the hell did I mange for them both to fall for me? I had begun a relationship with Benji because he gave me what Joel had never even offered me. But I didn't know that the reason Joel didn't offer it was because of his love and respect for Benj. Could life suck anymore than it did at this very moment... I thought not but if you've gotten this far then you know that life does get worse for me.
I was excited when my plane landed in Portland. I missed Benji. I was beaming as I walked off the plane and headed towards arrivals were Benji was supposed to be. I looked around and saw no Benji. My heart was racing, where was he, then I saw a face that I didn't want to see, Joel's. This is not good. He walked over to me.
" What are you doing here? Where's Benj?," I asked avoiding his eyes.
" Benji got hurt. He sprained his wrist so he's getting it checked. He asked me to come and get you."
" You of all people? Why not Billy or Paul?"
" Ouch," winced Joel. " Tanya, can't we at least be civil to each other? It's obvious we care for each other. The least we can do is be nice to each other."
" Joel, do you not understand that I cannot be civil to you? I can't be nice... because I want to be more than just nice and this is not fair to Benji."
" So, this is my fault? What about my feelings?," asked Joel, I hated to see him like this.
" Oh, god, Joel," I sighed, I didn't know what the hell to do. And before I knew what I was doing I was giving him a hug. He wrapped his arms around my body and I melted. Knowing it was wrong and that I could hurt Benji, I still lost myself in Joel's arms. And then his cell phone rang and I was snapped back to reality. I pushed away. " Okay, so let's go." Joel answered his cell phone and it was Benji, the irony...
The ride to the hotel was a quiet one. We couldn't even look at each other. Joel pulled into a parking spot and finally we spoke.
" Tanya, I want to say I'm sorry about what happened back there, but I'd be lying. It's taking all of my will power to not reach over and touch you right now. I love my brother... but..."
" But, nothing," I interrupted. " I don't know what you're talking about." I grabbed my suitcase and got out of the car. Joel didn't budge and I went of to find Benji. I quickly found out that he was in his room. Paul gave me the extra key and excitedly I ran to Benji's room. I flung open the door and rushed in. Benji was lying on his back, staring up at the ceiling. " Hey gorgeous!"
" Hey," he grinned. And I walked over to the bed and crawled onto Benj." Hey you. I've been waiting for you." He wrapped his arms around my waist, one was bandaged. I leaned in close.
" I heard you got hurt, baby? You feeling better?," I asked with a smile.
" Now that you're here I am." I kissed him, I could hold back no more. And his lips eagerly welcomed mine and it was sweet and loving, and I loved it. I loved Benji's kisses. If only I would've known that this would be the last time that things would be this simple.
Two days later, I was searching for a sweater amongst Benji's things.
" Benj!! Where the hell are your sweaters?," I called towards the bathroom.
" Umm, one is dirty the other one Joel has it."
" Oh," I sighed. " You think that you can get it back, I need a sweater for tonight and I don't have one to match these pants."
" Go get it from him, babe," answered Benji. " I'm in the shower, and I won't be out for a bit. He'll give it to you, or he'll give you one of his."
" Ok," I agreed. " I'll be back in a bit." I rose up from the bed and went to Joel's room. In my heart of hearts I knew I shouldn't go to his room where we could be alone, but deep down inside I was also excited.
I quickly reached his door and knocked gently.
" Yep," he asked swinging the door open. " Oh, hey." He swallowed hard. " What's up?"
" Umm, I need to borrow Benji's sweater which you have. Or one of yours, whichever is easier," I explained.
" Ok, come in," he motioned me into the room, which is immaculate. He walked to his bag and started pulling clothes out. " Umm, his is dirty so you're going to have to take one of mine, if you don't mind."
" Doesn't matter," I replied trying to sound nonchalant. He rose to his feet and held up the sweater for me to put on. His fingers brushed my neck and I almost died. His hands slid down my back to my waist. He moved closer and I without thinking I moved back. His breath felt warm on my neck. " Joel, please." I went to move away but his fingers tugged me close by the waist.
" Don't go," he pleaded in a whisper. I ever so slowly turned around, we were face to face. He was so close, so very close. " Stay let me just hold you for a minute, please."
" Joel," my voice was shaking, I could barely breath. " We can't do this......please, please, let me go." And instead of letting me go, Joel kissed me. And I know what you're thinking. I'm a tramp because I didn't fight it. I gave into it, his tongue explored my mouth and I didn't want it to stop. And then my conscience kicked in. I pushed Joel away. " No, no, no!!" I wiped my mouth. " I, no, Joel what have we done? Don't....oh my god." I glanced around the room. " Joel, please, just stay away from me. I refuse to mess things up with Benji. I like him, I like him a lot and I am very pleased where I am right now. You had your chance, you had a long time to have a chance, practically eight months. Just leave me alone, please."
" But," he began but I didn't give him a chance to explain. I quickly left the room, Joel's kisses on my mind. I had gotten as far as the end of the hallway when I turned around, what the hell was I thinking? I banged on Joel's door. He quickly opened it. And I walked straight into his arms not giving him a chance to speak. My mouth was on his and his hands were on my body. Between hungry kisses, full of passion and lust I tugged at his wife beater, tugging it over his head. His mouth traveled from my mouth to my neck and I knew that there was no going back. Within seconds he was removing the sweater that I had just slipped into. He tasted so good, so forbidden. In a fit of anger, lust and confusion me and Joel did the worst thing that we could ever do. We had sex, we made love, or did we? I wasn't quite sure. I, I had stooped to an all time low. What the fuck was I thinking? How could things ever be the same again? How could I look at Benji? How could I lay next to him that night? What had I done. But every time I tried to think of my acts as bad I thought of Joel's body against mine, the heat in his kisses, the way he held me to him. What the hell could I do now? This was an irreversible mistake, my first.