No Love Is Unconditional
Chapter 10
By: Erynn*Alice
Benji rubbed the hand of his fiancée that didn’t have an IV in it. He’d bring his lips to her skin every now and then. She was awake and looking at him, but they were both fine with silence.
“Benji…” Luxx said after awhile. His brown eyes were red rimmed and foggy with tears. Her heart broke to a million pieces when she looked in them. She sat up a little more and leaned over just enough to meet his lips. “I think you’re more worried than I am, Benji.”
He stifled back a few tears and nodded. “I can’t help but worry about you, Luxx.” She nodded in understanding. He ran another hand over her stomach. “You were sleeping, but the doctor said that the baby shouldn’t be much affected by everything.”
Luxx smiled, trying to bring a little more cheer into the room. “That’s good.” Benji smiled wearily and put his chin back down on the mattress and continued with rubbing her hand.
“Is it alright if I come in?” Joel asked, barely opening the door. Luxx nodded and Benji didn’t turn around at the sound of his twin’s voice. He walked in and stood next to Benji. “How are you?”
Luxx shrugged. “I feel fine. My hand hurts, the one with the needle stuck in it.” Joel nodded and looked down at his black clad brother who seemed more focused on Luxx’s hand than anything else in the world.
“Are you alright?” Joel asked Benji as he laid a hand on his shoulder.
“I’m fine,” he said with no emotion showing in his voice. Luxx and Joel exchanged looks.
“How long do you have to stay?”
“Ideally, until they find someone with the same blood type as me and the same something-or-other as the baby.”
“The baby is okay, right?” Joel asked, concerned. Luxx and Benji both nodded. Joel squeezed his brother’s shoulder. “Don’t worry, Benj.”
He shrugged off his twin’s grip and said, “What else is there to do but worry?”
“Why don’t you and Joel go get some food?” Luxx suggested, trying to get Benji to lighten up.
“The guys are here donating blood; we could all go get something to eat. It’d do you good to get out for a little bit.” Benji shook his head and squeezed Luxx’s hand. “Well, you’ve got to eat sometime. I know you skipped lunch, and it’s eight ‘o’ clock right now.”
Benji pulled his chin from the mattress and glared at his brother. “I’m not going. I don’t want to.” Luxx and Joel exchanged glances. “If I leave and something happens, I’ll never forgive myself, Luxx.”
“Benji, I’m not even in ICU. If something happens, they’ll call you. Plus, I’m just going to sleep.” She grabbed a few patch of his hair and pulled his head towards hers playfully. “If you really want me to feel better, Benj, go with Joel, please. And bring me food back.”
He let out an exasperated sigh and looked up at his brother. “A short dinner,” Benji ordered.
“A very short dinner,” Joel confirmed.
Benji stood up and bent over Luxx’s bed to kiss her lips and then kiss her forehead. “Call me if you need anything, Luxx, anything at all.” He said with his lips still pressed against her forehead. “I love you.”
“Just bring me food.” She said smiling. “I love you, too.” He squeezed her hand a final time before he left the room trailing behind his brother.
The two made the silent trek downstairs and stood in the hallway of the blood bank. “Should I see if I can give blood?” Joel asked breaking the stillness of the white walled hallway.
Benji shook his head. “I already tried. If I’m not a match, you won’t be.” He looked at the ground and drew pictures with the toe of his shoe on the tiled floor. “I was close to being a match.”
Billy slowly emerged from a room with a cotton ball and band-aid stuck to his arm. “How’s Luxx?” He asked when he saw Benji standing next to Joel.
“She says she’s fine.” He shrugged and continued to look at the ground. “Thanks for giving blood.”
“No problem. I’m not a match, though. I wish I was, Benj, I really do.” Billy walked over and patted Benji on the back. “Luxx will pull through, she’s like that, you know?” He shrugged Billy’s comment off.
“Who else are we waiting on?” Joel asked.
“God, we’re waiting on just about everyone in California. It’s like a sea of tattoos, black clothes, and piercings in there. A lot of them couldn’t donate because they had gotten tattoos recently, but Paul and Chris are still in there. There are a lot of people.” Billy and Joel exchanged glances over the top of Benji’s head. “A lot of people really care about Luxx.”
“I know.”
“Benji, you know she’s not going to die,” Joel said.
His eyes shot up from the floor. “You don’t know that, you really don’t. She could if she doesn’t get this and if she can’t get the right kind of blood, our baby could.” Benji’s voice quivered under the weight of tears. “I can’t have that. She’s my last chance at a real family, Joel, since ours is so completely fucked up. My mother hates me and my father deserted us. If she’s gone, I might as well be, too.”
“Benji,” Joel walked over to his brother and wrapped his arms around his shoulders. “Things will get better between you and Mom, you know that. You’re her son. And don’t even worry about Dad, he was no father anyway. You’ll be a better one than he could have ever been. You’ve still got me, Sarah, and Josh here for you. Who says a family has to have a mother and a father? We’re family enough, Benji. That’s how it’s been for almost ten years now.”
For the first time since the night he broke the news to his mother, Benji bawled. His back vibrated against his brothers arms.
“I know you’ll always be there for me, Joel. I love you,” Benji said between sobs. “But you can’t give me what Luxx does, no one can.” He felt the remains of black eyeliner drip into his eyes and burn. It stung his eyes at first, but after awhile it felt good it gave him more of a reason to not feel so empty inside. “I can’t live without Luxx, Joel. I need her.”
[And there's a pain in my stomach from another sleepless binge/and I struggled to get myself up again/I want to hang onto something/that won't break away or fall apart/Like the pieces of my heart.” Something Corporate: “Globes and Maps”]