No Love Is Unconditional
Chapter 13
By: Erynn*Alice
Benji sat on the floor in the living room, flipping through pictures of him and Luxx that had accumulated over their time together. There was a box full of photographs with the two in them. He picked up an envelope and opened it, remembering what it was.
Chelsea had given it to Luxx before she moved to California. It was an envelope full of pictures and e-mail conversations between the two girls. He pulled a newspaper clipping from the white paper and looked at the picture of himself standing two feet in front of Luxx arguing with her. It was one of their first meetings together, he remembered, and they were arguing about if NOFX was a good band or not. He laughed realizing that something’s never change; they were always arguing about NOFX.
He could hear her voice in the background. She was talking to her sister about the good news they received that morning, that Thursday morning. Luxx and the baby were both going to be okay. Benji just couldn’t understand how such good news could be so devastating.
He pulled an e-mail conversation out of the envelope. It was from Luxx’s address, talking about what a jerk Benji was and how ignorant and selfish he came off. He pulled another one out that was dated later from Luxx again, but this time she was talking about how she was glad they got to get to know each other and how nice he was.
Benji grinned, classic Luxx, he thought. His smile slid from his skin realizing she’d soon go back to thinking like she was right in the first e-mail.
“Everything is finally going alright for once,” Luxx said to her sister. Benji looked over at his backpack that was sitting next to the TV. The tickets were in there, he’d be leaving later that night for D.C. Luxx’s world was about two hours away from being turned upside down. Her few hours of relief was nearly over, like their relationship.
He pulled another picture out, trying to think back to a happy time, there were so many to choose from. Luxx’s arms were wrapped tightly around Benji’s neck and his arms were clutching her waist. He turned the picture over to see what Chelsea had written on the back.
“Luxx, I know you remember this night the most, but pictures are always helpful. I don’t think a better couple could have been made.” It was from the night he purposed. A tear sprung to his eye and he slid the picture inside his coat for safe keeping.
Luxx got off the phone and plodded across the white carpet to sit of the couch behind Benji. She placed a leg on either side of his body and pulled his shoulders back so that his head was in her lap. “Hi,” She said, looking into sad eyes with hers that were full of happiness.
“Hi,” he squeaked out.
“I’m tired.”
“It’s been a long day.”
She scrunched her nose pulled his hair gently. “You’ve been saying that a lot.”
“I’m still getting in the swing of not having to play a show every night,” he lied.
“At least you get to spend more time with me,” Luxx smiled devilishly and pulled him up to sit between her legs on the couch. She kissed his neck lightly then with more aggression, giving gentle bites. He reluctantly conceded to her touch with a feeling of guilt and passion burning a hole in his body.
“Luxx…” Benji moaned. “Oh, God, Luxx!” He wanted to tell her everything, and then make it not hurt. He wanted to take the blood out of her body, and then marry her. He wanted to give her every last breath in his tattooed body, and then die so that his pain could be absolved.
He snapped his head up from her grasp and knelt on the floor in front of her and looking into her eyes with the kind of longing he only felt when they were miles away. They were only six inches in front of each other, and he felt that he could never get close enough to her, even if he was within her.
“Luxx,” He put his hands on her shoulders. “Luxx, listen to me.”
Her eyes had grown wide. “I’m listening, what’s wrong?”
“Luxx, oh God, Luxx…” he felt emotion seep up into his words and his lip started to quake. “I love you, okay? I love you more than anything in this world. I will never ever love anyone like I love you, okay? No matter what happens, Luxx, I won’t ever stop loving you, okay?” Benji moved his hand quickly to his face brush away tears.
Her hand beat his to his skin and wiped his tears off his cheeks. “I know, Benji. I love you, too. I…”
Benji’s lips silenced her. He couldn’t bear to hear her words again. His arms were locked around her body so tightly she thought they’d never let her go, which she didn’t have a problem with. He pulled his lips from hers and held her body closer to his for a few minutes.
“Benji…”
“Are you tired?” He asked with tears still in his eyes.
She nodded sleepily. “Will you come to bed?”
He shrugged. “I have some things I have to do, baby. I might for awhile.” He walked her up the stairs with his arm around her protectively. She laid down in bed and he kissed her one last time before turning the lights off for the night. “I love you, Luxx.”
“I love you, too.”
Benji walked out of the room slowly, turning once he reached the door to grab one last glance at the beautiful woman that was lying in the bed. Everything was in place. His backpack was full and the goodbye note was on the sink in the bathroom.
He walked down the stairs, grabbed his things, and walked out of the apartment and out of Luxx’s world forever.
In the morning, she’d see the note and Joel would come over to make up some lie that would make everything either more or less painful. She’d cry for days, hate him, and never want to see him again. He knew this.
Benji knew Luxx’s contempt for him would soon take over her love, and he figured it was probably easier to hate someone that wasn’t there than to love someone that wasn’t there.
[“So, let go because I'm afraid to try./I'll keep my hands by my side./I won't come back./I hope someday you'll understand./I want to try and make it right,/but I don't know if I can./Last night,/everything was right and the rain was gone./One summer's night's the only time we know./Shut your eyes/when you wake up I'll be gone.” The Get Up Kids: “I’m a Loner, Dottie, a Rebel”]