When The Stars Cross
Chapter 1
By: Erynn*Alice
Joel sat and looked out the window. The trees blazed past him in a blur much as the last few months of his life. He had begun to block everything out of his vision. Ashton was gone, and he didn't see any hope without her in his life.
Benji sat just a few feet away from his twin on the couch. They were speeding towards their next show. He couldn't wait. Joel bounced in and out of his moods, but he was garenteed to put on a great show every night. It really was a show, and nothing more. Joel hated to act like he was happy to be there, because he wasn't. He hated to make idle chit-chat with fans, because they didn't care.
The hard, cold truth of it all was that: Ashton was gone and never coming back. With that floating in his mind all day and night long, he wondered what else there was to live for often.
Billy, sitting on the floor, put down the controller of his video game. "Hey, Joel," He started, trying to draw his friend out of the trace that never seemed to totally leave. "You want to play this next game with me, I'm getting bored with this one." Joel shook his head. Billy's eyes rolled over to Benji who was staring at Joel. Billy kept on. "C'mon, man, I need someone to play this with me."
The deep brown eyes of Joel transferred from the road to Billy quickly. The lonliness that always dwelled in his eyes was gone for a brief moment and replaced with anger. "Don't you understand? I don't want to! Why can't you all just leave me alone?" Joel yelled and stormed out of the sitting area into his bunk.
Benji watched his brother climb into his bed, the lonliness coming back in the formation of tears. He hated to watch his brother like that. He never knew exactly what happened on the road with Ashton in those last days, but he was sure it had to be something very special.
Joel curled up in his bunk and cried. He cried because he loved her. He cried because she was gone. He cried because he never went to the funeral. He cried because he missed her. He cried because he had nothing else to do.
How was he supposed to live after Ashton? He just didn't get it. He didn't understand how the world just picked up after she died and went on with life as if she was standing right there. He asked God why it was the way it was, and every day there was no answer, there was no aid. He felt more alone than ever. Life wasn't supposed to be about 'just getting by'. He was, like in high school, just getting by.
He bit the edges around his fingers nails and watched trace amount of blood leak out of his skin. The only thing that made him realize that he was actually alive in this world, was the blood. He was too weak to cut, but the small amount of blood that seeped out was a blessing.
Benji stood outside the curtain of Joel's bunk. "Joel," he started and pulled the curtain open. "Maybe we can go find her grave when we get to San Diego." Joel rolled over and nodded. It was the first time Benji had seen a faint glimmer of hope flash in his brother's eyes.
Joel sat up, careful not to bump his head on the bunk above. "How'd you get through this when Kai died? I mean, I barely feel alive."
Benji looked at his brother, knowing that the difference between himself and Kai, and Joel and Ashton was so huge. He didn't know how to explain it. "I just did. Things have to go on, one way or the other." Joel nodded. "Maybe if you just try to act like every minute you're at the show, maybe things will get more normal."
Joel looked at Benji and let out a faint smile. "Get over it?" Benji shook his head. "I guess it's something to keep me entertained on the road."
He smiled and patted Joel on the back. "There's my brother." Normality slowly seeped back into the air. Joel swung his legs out of the bunk and walked back into the sitting area. He sat down next to Billy.
Billy looked over with a faint smile. Joel said, "Still need someone to play with, man?" He quit the game he was playing, since he really was getting bored, and tossed Joel a controller.
Things were finally starting to look normal again. Billy playing video games, Benji playing his guitar, Paul reading, and Joel, well, Joel was finally being Joel again. Benji hoped that this picturesque look at normality would last a lot longer than any show. He could see how hard it was for Joel to force a smile on his face, but he knew it was all for the best. He also knew that Joel would be missing Ashton indefinitly. He just hope that he could live life and miss her life at the same time.
In the dream that awakened me,
you had come and taken me to a sea of stars.
The cat stood in the flowers two ears above.
And the ground that was under me was holding me so wonderfully
on a bed of leaves and you were here with me and we were free.
Everything we saw was beautiful and strong,
and I knew we belonged.
Then the birds came and carried us
to the sky and married us on a bed of stars,
where I was always yours and you were mine.
And in the long back eternity, I love you so perfectly
in the words of clouds,
like a bird sings to his flowers and I was heard.
Everything I saw was everything I'd want,
and this world had just begun to live.
Don't wake me up, I can't wake up from this.
Everyone was forgiven; made hopeful;
made living; made winning, tonight.
So, Captain, please consider me.
Let the boats deliver me.
When I close my eyes, drive, captain, drive.
It's time.
For everything to be perfect,
for everything to stop hurting, tonight.
Don't wake me up.
("Cat Heaven" by Jets to Brazil)