When The Stars Cross
Chapter 3
By: Erynn*Alice
He walked down the beach, a storm was coming in slowly and thunder was in the air. He felt lonely and wished he could just drift away, off into the ocean and fall off the horizon only to be forgotten. No one cared about him. No one ever would, and he would never care about anyone either. At least the way he had for her and she had for him. It had been days since he got to San Diego, and he had checked every grave yard in the city. There was no grave for his girl. He feared she had been burried in Waldorf while he was recording in New York. Then, just down the beach a ways, there she was. Not her grave, but her. She was alive, well, walking, she was Ashton. Beautiful as ever, looking right at him, her eyes blazing, and he scars gone. She ran to him, he reached out for her...
Joel hated that dream. He hated being taunted with the thought that maybe, just maybe, his angel was out there, somewhere, alive and without him. He didn't want to think that maybe he had left her when she needed him the most. He missed her and reached out for her at the end of every dream, but always ended up waking up reaching out for the air that encircled him.
He walked into the front of the bus and sat across from Paul at the table. It was early in the morning, so him and Paul were the only ones up. Joel rested his head on the cold plastic.
"Rough night?" Paul asked, dipping his spoon into his cereal.
Joel raised his head a bit and nodded. "I had that dream again."
"Your mind is obviously trying to tell you something."
"It's just playing a cruel joke."
Paul shook his head. "Did you ever wonder if she was alive?"
"No." He laid his head on the table again. "The paramedic said there was no hope." Those words of 'no hope' echoed in his head. He'd never forget those words, the night when hope didn't exist. There was no hope she was alive. No hope.
"Well, she wasn't dead when they took her away, Joel. She could be in San Diego trying to find you."
Joel shook his head, "No." It was a horrible thought. "She's not alive. She'd be with me, if she was."
"Well," Paul paused. "When my friend tried to pull the same stunt Ashton did, he was in isolation for a long time." He sighed. Joel knew it was hard for Paul to talk about his friend's suicide attempt. "You know she'd never go back to Waldorf to find you."
Joel changed the subject back to death. It was just easier for him to think she was dead than for him to think that he left her and she was alive. "Benji asked his friend to do a search for death records. We're going to try to find the cemetary some way through that."
Paul nodded. He didn't want Joel to snap and start yelling at him. Paul was possitive Ashton was somewhere in San Diego, alive.
Billy stumbled out of his bed into the front of the bus. "G'morning." He mumbled.
"Hey, man, you look horrible." Paul commented.
Billy nodded and sat at the table across from them. "I know. I shouldn't have gone to that party after the show."
Joel rolled his head, which was now back on the table, towards Billy. "Maybe I should accompany you to the next party," He suggested. Joel hadn't been to a party since before he saw Ashton. After the show he stayed backstage, took a shower, then sneaked into the bus to sleep. The sleep also meant he'd get that same dream. He could do without the dream, maybe meet someone just for one night.
Billy raised his eyebrows. "Really? Sure! I think it'd be good for you to go to one of those, maybe meet some new people. You've been on hiatus for so long."
Joel nodded. He really did need to get on with life, get things going again. His life was finally back on track, and he felt it'd be about time for him to 'meet some new people'. None of the guys in the band had a steady girl friend, but on a good night they all had a girl. It was just the way their jobs made life: nothing was ever steady for long.
Benji slinked in and sat across from Billy. Paul looked over at the both of them. "Screw Benji and Joel. Billy and Benji are twins today." It was true. Both of their eyes were blood shot and their hair was disheveled. They were a mess.
"I swear: no more after parties for me." Benji announced and held his hand up.
"Bull shit." Joel laughed.
Billy sat up, "You've got to come to the next one though, Joel might go."
Benji looked over at his brother who seemed pretty happy except for the sleep in his eyes. "Is that so?"
Joel nodded. "Yeah, I think it's about time." Normality was that and just that: parties, meeting people, bitching about how touring is rough, missing clean underwear, playing video games, telling Benji to 'stop playing that same goddamn song', and to regret everything the next morning. That was normality. Joel wished it was different, but he knew better than to wish for things that would never happen.
I spend a day or nine then finally realize
There's really nothing going on
So why should I try to shake leaves
When there's no one in my trees that I should care about
Let it fall, let it rise Let it be and let it slide
Let tomorrow come and take my mind away
I see the world get by and watch my friends get high
I really don't care who's to blame
They love to point fingers at you
'Cause there's nothing else to do but waste away my time
Let it fall, let it rise Let it be and let it slide
Let tomorrow come and take my time away
Let tomorrow come and take my time away
("Let it Slide" by No Use For A Name)