When The Stars Cross
Chapter 6
By: Erynn*Alice
Joel walked down the beach, letting the air of the ocean sober him. He couldn't believe what he had just said to his brother. It was the culmination of all his anger, and he couldn't hold it in any longer; he just regreted Benji had to be the brunt of it. Joel just needed to be alone for a little bit and get things in perspective, because everything in his life was so out of focus.
He had a hard time remembering her face, and that was weighing down on him. He'd pull out his yearbook every so often and look at the out dated picture of the perfect high school queen. He remembered her in those last seven days, the way she actually was. That high school photo did no justice for the real Ashton. For his Ashton.
Joel looked to the stars, blazing bright in the heavens above him. For some reason, he didn't feel like Ashton was up there, hanging on a star watching over him. He felt like she was closer than that. Turning his head, he looked down the beach expecting his dreams to come true. Expecting her to waltz right into his arms at any moment. He waited, but no one came.
"Joel!" A voice cried from down the beach. "Joel! Joel!" The volume increased as the voice neared. "Joel!"
He laid back in the sand, hoping who ever it was who was calling for him would go away. It sounded like Benji. He didn't want to talk to his brother, he just wanted to clear his mind.
"Goddammit, Joel! Why the fuck didn't you answer me, mother fucker? Trying to eliminate the competition for best lead singer, huh?" Jordan sat down next to his friend. "I fucking hate the goddamned beach. Goddammed sand in my ass. That should only happen when getting the lovin' on!"
Joel looked over at Jordan. "Don't ever say 'getting the lovin' on' ever again, man."
"Whatever, whatever." Jordan looked down at Joel who was just laying there staring up at the stars again.
"How mad is Benj?"
He shook his head. "Not really mad. Just...I don't know."
"That's worse. I'd rather have him be mad at me than, well, disappointed or sad or whatever. I'd rather have him throw a couple of punches than fucking cry."
"I think you need to go back to the hotel and talk to Benji."
"No, not yet. I just want to be alone right now." Jordan still sat there for awhile longer as Joel marveled at the stars. A couple minutes went by until Joel finally opened up for the first time. "I know there is a possibiity of her being alive, in some way. I just don't want to believe it. I left her, I left her all alone with a bunch of people who said they'd 'do all they could for her'. As much as I want to just scream out it's not my fault I left her, the paramedic told me there was no hope, I...I just didn't want to see her like that anymore. It's all my fault if she's somewhere out there, looking for me, hating me, whatever." He sighed feeling the weight of Jordan's eyes on him. "It's just easier for me to think that she didn't wonder where I was or why I wasn't there when I promised her I would be." He stood up abruptly and brushed off his pants. "I'm such a goddamned selfish bastard."
"You really need to go back and talk to Benji," Jordan was nearly bursting at the seams. He wanted more than anything to tell Joel that his Ashton was alive, living in San Diego. It wasn't his role to tell him that though, it was Benji's.
"Why do you keep telling me to do that? Is there something wrong with Benji or something?"
Jordan laughed. "Something wrong with Benji? Sure, there's plenty wrong with Benji. Just go back to the hotel. You really need to talk to Benji."
Joel moved closer to him, getting annoyed at the fact he was pushing so hard for a trip to see Benji. "What is going on, Jordan? You're annoying the shit out of me!"
"I annoy the shit out of everyone, Joel. Quit stating the obvious and go back to the hotel."
"Goddammit! Jordan, will you just tell me what the fuck is going on! I know you love to lead people on and then leave them cold, but I'm not so much into your little games right now, man. Will you just tell me what the fuck is going on?"
Just as Joel was about ready to walk farther away from the already distant hotel, someone tapped him on the shoulder.
"So you're Joel." A voice said from somewhere behind him. Joel spun around and gave the man standing behind him a look. "Oh, I'm sorry," He started after seeing Joel's confused and angry face. "My name is Jeff. I was at the bar where you just were and heard you mention someone named Ashton."
The anger in Joel's eyes slowly faded. "What's it to you?"
"Well, one of my good friends is named Ashton. You all were talking so loud, I overheard a few things that, well, struck a chord."
Joel turned his whole body around to face Jeff. He couldn't believe that less than two days ago he believed she was dead, and now it seemed fully plausable, even likely, that she was alive. "What was her last name?" He just had to make sure that it wasn't too good to be true...or too horrible.
"Keats. She grew up in some town in Maryland or something. Her best friend was that model girl, Kai something-or-other. Came to San Diego to work at this new publication in town. She's living in my attic." Jeff moved closer to Joel. "Contrary to popular belief. Ashton Keats is alive and well. And she doesn't hate you, Joel. She's trying to find you."
and i begged the summer that stole spring to stay.
and this is struggling to find the faith i lost when you fell away.
and it's remembering you silver and golden that scares me.
because when the memories fade it makes you feel like you don't own a thing.
and he said boy be good and i'm trying
("Somewhere in September" by Planes Mistaken for Stars)