Joel Madden, Abercrombie, And The Closet Cleaners
By: Makena
Joel needed to clean his closet. His house was clean (except for Benji's things) and his room was clean, but his closet was... well, it wasn't clean.
"Its closet season," Aaron announced from Joel's front door.
"I don't follow," Joel said, letting Aaron, Paul and Billy in.
"Closet season," Aaron said again.
Joel looked at his brother and shrugged.
"Its when we have nothing better to do, so we clean our closets."
"So... go clean your closets," Joel said, trying to push the three out of the door.
"We already did," Billy said. "We decided we needed to clean yours as a group."
Joel frowned. "Why?"
"Nothing better to do," Paul said with a shrug.
"You all need jobs," Joel moaned, following them to his room.
Once everyone had gathered in his room, they reluctantly opened the closet door. Clothes and CD's and other odds and ends spilled out uncontrollably at the group like an avalanche.
"GAH!" they all yelled. (except for Joel, who was leaning on the door frame and safe from any flying derbies.)
"Jesus!" Paul yelled, picking up a very small t-shirt from the floor with two fingers. "I don't even WANT to know how long you've had this thing!"
Everyone looked on at the disaster as Paul tossed the t-shirt aside and wiped his hand on his jeans. Finally, after a moment of silence for anything that might have died in the mess, they agreed to start pulling things out.
"Where does this go?" Billy asked, holding up an old summer camp t-shirt.
Joel shrugged. "Just put it in that pile over there," he said motioning towards a pile near the door.
"What's that pile?"
"Trash."
"Oh." He paused and looked at the shirt. "When did you go to camp?"
"Fourth grade," Joel sighed. "And not by choice, either."
Benji chuckled to himself and continued to throw old, nasty t-shirts into piles.
"Hey, what's this?" Benji asked, picking up a pair of black panties off the floor, holding them up for all to see.
Everybody stopped what they were doing to send odd stares at Joel. He blushed furiously and made a grab for them.
"Kristen must have left those here the other night," he explained, wadding them up and stuffing them under his bed.
After a minute of uncomfortable silence, they began to pick through the mess once more.
"Okay, this is getting boring," Benji announced an hour later.
The pile was beginning to thin out, but just barley.
"Who wants beer?"
"ME!" everyone cried at once.
"Billy, what do you want?"
"Beer," Billy repeated.
"Nice try. You get Pepsi."
"Damn."
Benji disappeared from the room to get the beverages, leaving the others behind.
"Woah," Aaron said suddenly. "Red!"
Everyone looked up at him.
"What?" Paul asked.
"Red!" Aaron said again, pointing at the speck of red on the floor.
"So?" Billy asked.
Joel watched as Aaron began to pick the wrinkled item up from the floor and suddenly became very sick.
"I wonder what..." Aaron began, but stopped when he saw the front of the shirt. "GAH!!" He threw it up into the air and it landed on top of Billy's head.
"Holy shit!" Aaron gasped.
"What?" Paul and Billy asked, looking at an ashamed Joel.
Billy pealed the shirt off his head and held it up for him and Paul to read. Finally...
"FUCK!!" Billy cried, dropping the cloth. "I've been contaminated!! The prep bugs have invaded my whole body... I'm dying!!"
Joel hung his head in shame.
"We're gonna have to burn this room. Or spray it, at least."
Benji chose this time to come back, carrying four bottles of beer and a can of Pepsi. "What's going on?" Benji asked, looking around at the scene.
Aaron had backed himself into a corner, Billy and Paul were staring at a red t-shirt on the floor, and Joel looked like he was going to kill himself.
"Okay, why do I always miss this kind of stuff?"
Benji set the drinks down and knelt down in front of the red t-shirt, facing Joel. (who was now sitting on his bed)
"Don't touch it!" Billy warned from behind Benji.
Benji rolled his eyes and picked the corners of the shirt up. His eyes grew wide and he dropped it, staggering backwards. "Oh my fucking god!" he gasped, looking between the shirt and his brother.
"That's not really...?"
"It is," Joel sighed. "An Abercrombie And Fitch t-shirt."
They all shuddered at the words.
"Why the hell do you have this?!" Benji asked, pointing to the shirt.
Joel sighed.
"Kristen's sister is pretty preppy," he said. "And she had gotten it for her boyfriend, but they broke up before she gave it to him, so she just gave it to me for my birthday."
"And you took it from her?" Aaron asked, quite skeptically.
He glanced quickly at the shirt that still lay on the floor. Joel shrugged.
"I didn't want to be rude to my girlfriend's sister, so I just took it and shoved it in my closet."
"We see that," Billy groaned. "I think I'm gonna be sick."
"On the shirt if you do," Paul reminded him.
"Ugh," Benji gagged. "I can't believe this is happening."
They all cringed and looked away from the shirt.
"Okay, now that we know where it came from, there's only one question left," Benji said, looking around the room mysteriously.
He propped himself up on one knew at a safe distance from the shirt. The others leaned in closer so they could hear.
"How do we get rid of it?"
Everyone looked at Joel.
"What?" he asked. "Don't look at me! I'M not gonna touch it."
"Its your shirt," Paul pointed out. "There for, your ass is throwing it out."
"If it wasn't for you, "my shirt" wouldn't be on the floor and this wouldn't be happening," Joel shot back. "Make Billy throw it out. He already touched it and, besides, he's "dying" anyway."
"I'M not throwing it out!" Billy cried.
"We can't just throw it out," Benji interjected. "We can't contaminate the trash can."
"We should probably all be wearing gas masks, too," Paul said. "This room is becoming a health hazard by the minuet."
Benji nodded, staring distantly at the floor in thought. Suddenly...
"I've got it!" he cried. "Aaron, you go get a big stick from the yard. Paul, find a cardboard box in the garage. Joel, find the scissors and start cutting up the shirt."
"Me?" Joel whimpered. "Why do I have to touch it?"
Benji rolled his eyes. "Alright, rock paper scissors for who has to touch the... shirt."
The three who remained shook their fists three times. Benji's rock crushed both Joel's and Billy's scissors. Joel and Billy narrowed their eyes at each other as Benji began to count.
One... Two... Three!!
Joel's paper covered Billy's rock.
"Noooooooooo!" Billy whimpered.
Benji grabbed one of the beer bottles and screwed the top off.
"Um, Benji?" Joel asked. "What are you doing?"
"Alcohol sterilizes things," Benji explained. "I think."
He poured the entire bottle on the red Abercrombie shirt.
"God damn it, Benji!" Joel cursed, jumping up from the floor.
Benji ignored his brother and looked at Billy. "Its all up to you, kid," he told him, handing him the scissors.
Reluctantly, Billy took the scissors. He picked the shirt up with two fingers, closed his eyes and whimpered, and recklessly cut into the fabric. He kept snipping as Paul returned with a box and Aaron came back with a large walking stick. Billy dropped the shirt and the scissors and held out the hand that had been touching the cloth.
"Quick!" he gasped, turning his head away and squeezing his eyes shut. "Sterilize it!"
Benji snapped the lid off of another beer bottle and poured the contents onto Billy's hand.
"BENJI!" Joel yelled.
Again, Benji ignored him. "You got the shit?" Benji asked.
Aaron nodded and handed the walking stick to Benji.
"Joel," he said, handing it to his brother. Joel stared at it. "Pick up the shirt," Benji explained as if he were talking to a mentally retarded person.
Joel frowned. "Why do I have to pick it up?" he asked.
"Its your shirt, man," Benji said, jabbing the stick at Joel. "Just fucking pick it up."
Joel growled something under his breath and jerked the stick out of his brother's hand. Carefully, he aimed the stick at the tattered shirt, scooped it up, and dumped it into the cardboard box. Benji forced the box into Joel's arms and stood up.
"Quick!" he cried. "To the bat mobile!"
"You're weird," Aaron said.
Benji shrugged. They followed him out the door and to the car with Joel carting the box behind.
"Where are we going?" Billy asked from the back seat where he, Aaron and Paul were sitting.
"Mall," Benji explained, starting the car. "Joel! Not the front seat!"
Joel jumped and almost spilled the contents of the box in his lap. "Well, I'm not gonna sit in the trunk!" Joel protested.
"The box," Benji said with a small sigh. "I meant the box."
"Oh," Joel said, looking down at the box in his lap. "OH!"
He hopped out of the car and quickly shoved the box into the trunk before quickly climbing back into the front seat. Within about an hour, the group had reached the mall.
"Box," Benji said, locking the doors.
He unlocked the trunk and waited for Joel to pick the box up. They set it on top of the car. Joel took the stick into his hands again and carefully picked the torn shirt up.
"All right, here's what we're gonna do," Benji said, flipping the keys into his pocket. "We're gonna send this bitch back from where ever it came from. Ready? Act casual, like there's nothing weird about Joel carrying a stick with a shirt on it."
Everyone nodded and walked calmly beside Benji, except for Joel, who walked slower to make sure that it didn't fall onto him. They had made it into the mall without a problem, until Joel got so far behind he could hardly notice that his friends were there.
"AGH!!" Joel screamed, tearing down the mall corridors. He held the stick out in front of him as he ran and began to wave the shirt.
"They can take our land, but they can never take... OUR FREEDOM!" he cried in a very bad Scottish accent.
He stopped running right in front of a very large, ugly, smelly store. He read the title and grinned. Everyone else had gotten there a bit earlier and were waiting for Joel's arrival. Joel looked into the store, took aim, and launched the stick, with the shirt at the end of it, like a javelin.
"Fire in the hole!" he cried insanely and dove to the floor, covering his head.
Benji picked his brother up off the floor and dragged him back to the car where they climbed in and sped away.
The End.