Kill Me
Chapter 6
By: Makena
Again, Benji had to sit in the emergency waiting room and again he found himself asking God - himself and anybody that could hear him - why one of the best things in his life had tried to end hers. What had he done so wrong that his daughter was trying to kill herself?He sat silently in one of the chairs, holding his head in his hands and trying not to cry. He was alone - Kelly had gone back to the house because she needed to take something out of the oven before the house burned down.
"Fuck," he cried silently, closing his eyes.
Minutes seemed like hours and hours seemed like days. And finally, Kelly returned with Billy, Paul and Joel following closely behind her. In her hand she was clutching a wrinkled piece of paper. She stood silently by her husband before handing him the note. Benji looked up at it and then at his wife.
"I found this on her bed," she said, her face stained with tears. "I think you should read it."
Benji sat up a little bit and took the note. He tried to straighten it out as best as he could before he began to read it. He read it three times before he looked up and around at everybody until his gaze rested on Paul.
"Who's was it?" Benji asked softly.
Paul frowned, not understanding the question.
"Who's was it?" Benji asked again.
He held out the note and Paul took it, letting Joel and Billy read over his shoulder. Paul's gaze fell off the note and onto Benji.
"I - I didn't know she was," he insisted, handing it to Joel who hadn't finished reading it quite yet.
He looked at Billy, who was just as surprised as Paul was. He silently cursed himself for doing that to Callie and began to walk around the waiting room anxiously.
"Oh, fuck Benji," Joel said, dropping the note to the floor. "I'm sorry..."Joel went to his brother and gave him a hug.
"It wasn't your fault," he said as Benji could no longer fight his tears. "Nothing you did could have made her try to kill herself."
Benji shook his head - he couldn't believe it no matter how hard he tried.
"Mr. Benjamin Madden?"
Benji looked up at the doctor that had just come into the room and blinked. He stood up and walked over to the older man.
"We were able to save your daughter," he said. "We had her stomach pumped and she'll be okay, but... she was pregnant and she lost the baby."
Benji nodded shortly, not sure what to do with his hands.
"I'll let you see her now - although I would like to talk to you about possible places you should consider sending her for a while."
Benji nodded and was followed by Kelly to Callie's room. Benji stopped just outside and turned to face his wife. "I love you," he told her. "But I think maybe you should just wait for me to come out."
Kelly nodded as a couple of fresh tears fell. "I understand," she said with a sad sigh. "I'll just go back to the waiting room."
Benji nodded and watched her leave before he went into Callie's room. She was laying on the bed, fast asleep. Benji sat himself silently on one of the chairs in her room, waiting for her to wake up.
----
Callie slowly opened her eyes and blinked a couple of times, looking around her surroundings. She knew instantly that she hadn't died - she was in the hospital and she had been saved. Callie blinked again and noticed her father sitting on one of the small chairs pressed against the wall, waiting for her to wake up.For a while, neither of them said a word to each other - they didn't know where to begin. They watched each other with expressionless faces. It was Benji who finally got the nerve to speak to his daughter.
"Why?" he asked her in a shaky voice, his head resting against the wall.
Callie didn't reply as she looked on at her father, who looked like he would break down at any moment. 'He wouldn't be the only one,' she thought, struggling to keep her tears in.
"At least tell me who's it would have been."
Callie let out a broken sigh and began to stare at the end of her bed. "I can't," she replied after a moment, blinking a couple of times.
Benji sighed and closed his eyes. "You have no idea how much this hurt me, Callie," he said after a moment of silence. "Why didn't you tell me any of this?"
Callie sniffed and shrugged. She did know - she knew why she couldn't talk to her father about any of it, why she couldn't tell anybody but her stupid diary and Billy.
"I thought it over, and I've decided to send you to this hospital that's a couple towns off..."
Callie frowned and looked back up at her father. "You're going to sent me to a looney bin?" she asked.
"It's not a mental hospital," Benji pointed out. "It's just a place that'll hopefully help you."
"I don't need help," Callie yelled.
"You tried to kill yourself," her father said.
"I don't need help."
Benji let out a broken sigh as he struggled to stop the tears that threatened to flow. "Where did I fuck up?" he asked out loud. "Where the fuck did I go wrong in raising you?"
Callie's enraged face fell and she began to cry. Benji looked up at her, and she could see that she wasn't the only one who was crying. Tears were falling freely down his face. He stood up and walked over to Callie's bed where they hugged each other tightly.
----
Callie got to go home the next day where she had a week until her father and Kelly sent her off to the hospital somewhere in Maryland. She didn't want to go - she didn't think that she had belonged there. And she hated everything all over again.
She lay across her bed, alone, thinking of things to write about. She loved to write, and there were so many ideas swarming through her mind. Sighing, Callie figured out a plot to a story and began to write it down.
Raging winds ripped at the young girl's skirt as she struggled to keep what little clothing she had left. She ran down the street in the pouring rain, just trying to escape what danger had laid behind her -
Some one knocked on Callie's door and her train of though ended. The words stopped forming and she had to put her pencil down.
"What?" she questioned, flipping through to a random spot in her book so that she could continue a sketch she had started earlier that day.
The door creaked open and her father stood in the doorway, holding a suitcase.
"You should start packing," he said, entering Callie's room.
"Just set it over there," Callie said, motioning to a spot on the floor.
Benji did so, but he didn't leave. Instead, he stood with his hands in his pockets, watching his daughter sketch a picture. Callie, felling his stares, turned around and looked up at him.
"Can I ask you a question?" she said.
Benji shrugged, but nodded. "Sure," he replied.
Callie sighed. "After your dad left... did you ever see him again?"
Benji shook his head no and sighed. "No," he replied. "I don't think I ever wanted to."
Callie sighed. "Didn't you ever just want to - I don't know... find him or just talk to him one more time?"
Benji shrugged. "I don't know. Probably not... we didn't have a great relation ship, and he was an alcoholic. Why?"
Callie shook her head. "Just wondering."
Benji nodded. A silence fell between them again before Callie decided to speak again.
"You can go now," she told him.
Benji shrugged and went to sit on Callie's bed. "I know you're mad at me for sending you away," Benji told her. "But I know it's for the best - I want you to get better so badly."
Callie nodded, but didn't look back up at him. They sat in silence for a while, Callie's pencil the only thing in the room making noise.
"I know you said it would kill me," Benji spoke suddenly, startling Callie somewhat. "But... I have to know. Who's was it?"
Callie sighed and put her pencil down on her book. "I can't tell you," she said, looking up at him.
His soft brown eyes - they matched her own and she had to look away. She saw so much pain in his eyes and she couldn't lie to him anymore. "Is it some one I know?"
"Yeah," Callie sighed.
Benji nodded and sat up. "I'll just leave you alone, I guess."
He began to walk out the door when Callie blurted it all out. "Billy," she said, looking up at her father. "It was Billy's."
Benji stopped and stood still for a moment before turning to face his daughter. "Please tell me there's a Billy at your school," he pleaded.
Callie didn't respond. She looked down at the floor and then at the suit case that was resting on her back pack.
"Billy - as in Billy Martin?"
Callie sighed and nodded. Why had she suddenly felt compelled to tell him all of this? Why was she blurting it all out? 'Damn his eyes,' she cursed, picking a string off her bed spread.
"He's 16 years older than you!" he cried, more hurt than angry.
"Yes, thank you," Callie said. "A little late for the "he's too old for you" talk."
Benji sighed. "Why?"
Callie shrugged and sat up. "Because - " She paused. She didn't know why. She loved Billy, sure, but - why? Why was she in love with some guy that was 16 years older than her? And if she told him that it was because she loved him - he would kill himself.
"Please don't tell anyone," she pleaded. "Please..."
Benji didn't say anything. Instead, he left in silence, closing the door behind him. And Callie wondered if she had just torn out everything he had left inside.