Live And Let Die
Chapter 13
By: Makena
A week. That's how long he had been sitting there by her bed, gently rubbing her hand with his. A week without as much as a small nap or any kind of sleep, a week with hardly any food, and a week without a word spoken to anyone.
And he wasn't tired. He wasn't hungry, either, and he didn't have the desire to see anyone or anything. He was a little thirsty, but he ignored it as he watched her closely, ignoring the voice that told him to blink.
"Benji."
Benji made no attempt at turning around to see who had come into the room. He knew it was Joel. He was the only one that would come.
Joel sighed. He didn't even know if Benji had heard him. He knew his brother was slowly going insane. "I brought you a sandwich," he said finally, welcoming himself into the room when Benji made no attempt to do so. "And a pepsi."
He set the two things down on the bed in front of his brother. Benji glanced over at the items and slowly blinked, turning his gaze back to the sleeping girl.
"You have to eat something, you know," Joel said. "This isn't - this isn't normal." Benji didn't reply. He simply sat by the bed, making sure he didn't blink. Joel sighed and walked around to the other side of her bed, blocking the dim light that poured in from the winter weather outside. He sat down in one of the chairs next to the window, watching his brother.
"Okay," he said finally. "I'll just fucking talk to myself, okay?" He paused to look for some sort of reaction from Benji; there was none. "I know you can fucking hear me." It was a lie - he didn't know if Benji was even aware that he was alive.
"Fuck," Joel muttered, rubbing his face with his hands. He didn't know what else to do. They sat in silence for what seemed like years - years to Joel. To Benji, nothing. He was too far gone to realize that time existed.
"Eat, okay?" Joel asked finally, getting up and walking towards Benji again. "You can't see her wake up if you starve to death."
Benji took it into consideration, but still made no reaction. Joel knelt down and hugged Benji, kissing his forehead.
"I love you, man," Joel whispered. "Just come out of this, okay? She'll be... fine..."
Benji would have laughed, had he had a voice to laugh with. The hesitance in Joel's voice was funny to him.
"She'll be fine," Joel said again before letting out a sigh and walking out the door. Sure Joel was gone, Benji glanced back down at the sandwich and the bottle of pepsi his brother had left. Reluctant at first, Benji reached out and lightly picked the peanut butter and jelly sandwich up and unwrapped the saran wrap that had been protecting it from anything foreign. He took a slow bite, but soon consumed the entire thing hungrily and snapped the can of pop open. He had been hungry after all.
------
Joel slowly began to walk down the hall, shaking his head slightly and smiling to himself. He knew Benji was devouring the food he had brought.
'At least,' he thought. 'He's eating.'
His cell phone rang, and he received a nasty glare from one of the nurses behind the tall, white desk, as he answered.
"Hello?" he questioned.
"Joel!" Billy's panicked voice came over the other end.
"Uh, yeah," Joel said, frowning slightly. "What's wrong?"
"Jesus... Paul's such a fucking moron..." Billy muttered. "I - shit. Stay at the hospital. We'll see you in a couple of minutes."
"What?" Joel asked. "What happened?"
------
Paul was staring out the window again, watching the snow fall and letting his breath form on the glass before him. Billy paused at the doorway and sighed, watching him for a moment.
'It's all going to hell,' Billy thought to himself. 'Benji stares at Makena, Paul stares at... god knows what...' He sighed again.
"What are you doing, Paul?" he asked finally, slightly irritated that all Paul would do was look out the frosty window at nothing in particular.
"I'm waiting," he replied, sending chill's down Billy's spine. Waiting? For what? Makena to come home? Gavin to run around the corner in a snowsuit, throwing snowballs at him?
"... umm, Paul...?"
"I killed them," Paul continued absently. "Both of them. They're both gone." Billy sighed.
"Paul, you didn't kill either of them," he said. "And Makena's not even dead."
Paul sighed - the first sign of real emotion in a while - and looked over at Billy. His eyes were red and filling with tears by the second.
"It's all my fault," he cried silently. "I should be dead, too."
Billy frowned. His eyes fell to the coffee table where he seemed to finally realize what was going on. On the coffee table sat an empty bottle of prescription sleeping pills, knocked over with the cap lying on the ground.
Next to the empty pill bottle was an empty bottle of tequila - something Paul had taken out of Benji's room - standing upright. The bottom was wet and clung to a piece of note book paper.
"Fucking Jesus, Paul!" Billy exclaimed. He backed himself into the kitchen where he picked up the phone and dialed 911, all the while keeping his eyes on Paul.
"911, what is your emergency?"
"I need an ambulance," Billy spoke without much emotion. "I think my friend just attempted suicide."
Billy met up with Joel as Paul was rushed by on a stretcher, trying to be slapped awake by one of the paramedics. Joel watched with wide eyes as Paul was pushed through two large, swinging doors. Billy approached his friend slowly and cautiously, his hands stuffed deep inside his black dickies.
"Billy... what the hell?" Joel questioned. Billy sighed and shrugged slightly.
"I failed," he said, keeping his gaze turned to the floor. "You were supposed to watch Benji and make sure he didn't do anything stupid, and I was supposed to watch Paul."
Joel frowned. While neither of them had ever said anything about it, they had silently made the pact to watch out for the two that suffered the most.
"What happened?" Joel demanded, although he was sure he knew the answer.
"He tried to kill himself," Billy said. "I failed - he did something stupid."
Joel sighed and watched the swinging doors for a second longer. "I guess we both failed, then," he said. Billy looked up at Joel with a slight frown.
"How so?"
"Benji just sits there," Joel confessed. "He hasn't eaten for a week, so... I guess we both failed."
Billy sighed. Neither of them said anything as Joel tried to digest the information Billy had just fed him.
"Fuck," he swore. "This is all going to fucking hell!"
Billy nodded in agreement, letting Joel vent for a couple of minuets. After kicking over a waste paper basket and cursing some more, Joel paused and looked at Billy again.
"Did you want to see Benji?" he asked. Billy shrugged, but nodded. Joel nodded and took Billy up to his brother's room, where Benji was still sitting by her bed, just as he had been when Joel left. Joel cleared his throat. Benji made no attempt to move.
"Benj," Joel began. "Billy's here... he came to see you guys."
Billy took in a breath and slowly walked into the room until he stood on the opposite side of Makena's bed, waiting for Benji to look up at him. When he didn't, he began to speak.
"Um... hi," he said. "Sorry I haven't been around at all." He paused and waited for some reaction - any reaction - that might indicated that Benji was listening. When he received nothing, he looked up with pleading eyes at Joel. Joel just nodded, encouraging him to continue to talk to him.
"Well... um..." Billy said, thinking everything was stupid. He knew for certain that there was only one other person - besides him - that was aware of the things around them and wasn't brain dead in any way.
"Billy..." Joel encouraged softly. Billy sighed.
"Benj, Paul tried to commit suicide," he said. And this time, there was a reaction. Benji blinked and slowly moved his head to look at him. Billy waited for Benji to speak, but he didn't.
"I know you don't want to leave her," Billy continued. "But - Paul needs you now, too."
Benji lost interest and looked back into Makena's sleeping face. Billy groaned in frustration.
"He thought it was his fault, Benji," he said sternly. "And you know damn well that it wasn't. Now, when he comes out of the ER, you're going to go down to his room and tell him it wasn't his fault."
And Benji sighed. He took her hand in his and blinked a couple of times, as if coming out of a trance he had been trapped in for years.
"I... can't..." he spoke, his voice dry and raspy. "I can't leave her."
"Who needs you more, Benji?" Joel jumped in. "Makena, who's more brain-dead than you, or Paul, who just tried to kill himself out of guilt?"
Benji frowned. "I..."
"No," Joel said. "You need to move your ass and tell Paul."
Benji thought about it, then looked back down at Makena. "You tell him," Benji said.
"Fuck that," Billy said. "You don't think we've tried that? You're getting your ass off that chair and you're going to march down to his room and tell him - tell him yourself! - that it wasn't his fault."
Benji sighed. "What if it was his fault?" he questioned. Billy and Joel looked up at each other, astonished that he had even so much as thought that it was Paul's fault.
"That's a really shitty attitude," Joel replied. "Because if you think it's Paul's fault - maybe..." he trailed off. "Just, fuck. I'm done. I can't fucking do this anymore."
"Oh, and I can," Benji retorted, his voice slowly building. "I lost my fucking son, and I'm about to lose Makena, too. What've you lost? A nephew? Great - good for you, Joel. I feel sorry for you, because you lost your only nephew."
"Fuck, Benji," Joel said. "I'm sorry... I didn't think..."
"Well THAT was obvious," Benji said, rolling his eyes. "Just - leave me the fuck alone, okay?"
Joel sighed. He looked up at Billy, who was about to add something in Joel's defense, and shook his head to cut him off. Billy sighed, but left with Joel, leaving Benji in the silence that had surrounded him for the past week.
Billy and Joel were already in Paul's room by the time that he had come out of the ER. He was propped up and wide awake, mumbling how the doctors had wasted good medical tools and their time on him. He slowly looked up once he had been placed in his room, his eyes going wide once he noticed Joel.
"He knows?" he asked in a horrified tone, looking directly at Billy. Billy nodded. It took a couple of minuets for Paul to accept the fact that more than one person knew about his suicide attempt, but he finally did and sighed.
"So... how you feelin'?" Billy questioned at last, breaking the silence between the three.
"My stomach kind of hurts," Paul replied.
"Well, you swallowed..." Billy began, but Joel cut him off by elbowing him in the ribs and giving Paul an encouraging grin.
"Did you want anything?" he asked. Paul thought about it.
"Uh... no," he said. "Not right now." He paused. "Where's... where's Benji? Does he know too?"
Billy and Joel looked between each other, each desperately trying to find some sort of excuse for Benji's absence.
"He... uh..." Joel began. "He's... Benji's back in Makena's room."
Paul sighed slightly. "Oh," he said, pained just at the name. "You know she's dead, right?"
Joel sighed. "Yes." He paused. "No. Well... maybe. I don't know, okay? Benji seems to think she'll come out of it."
Paul shook his head. "She won't."
"It's his choice, you know," Joel added. "To keep her on life support."
"Yeah. It is my choice." Everyone looked up. Benji was leaning against the doorframe, hands stuffed in his pockets.
"Hi," he said when no one said anything. He slowly began to walk into Paul's room, slightly hesitant to leave Makena's room.
"Um, come on, Billy," Joel said, tugging on Billy's arm. "I'm... I'm thirsty."
"Yeah," Billy lied. "Me too."
They both exited the room, leaving Benji and Paul alone. Neither of them said anything for a while. Instead, they listened to the second hand on the clock above and waited for the other person to begin.
"So..." Benji began at long last. "You... you tried to kill yourself." Paul nodded slowly, staring absently at the wall on the opposite side of the room.
"Yeah," he replied. Benji sighed and kicked at the ground slightly. "It's not your fault," he said. "You didn't... it's not your fault."
Paul rolled his eyes. "You know you blame me," Paul said. Benji shook his head.
"No," he said softly, his voice fading from tears that threatened once again. "I don't."
Paul sighed. "It was my fault, though," he said. "I don't know why I pulled out - I didn't even see the fucking truck..."
"See?" Benji said. "You didn't see it. None of this was your fault." Paul just shrugged. He didn't believe it, but he blamed himself less, knowing Benji didn't blame him also. He sighed finally and looked down at his sheets.
"So... what are you going to do?" he asked. Benji looked up at him.
"What?" he asked.
"What are you going to do?" Paul repeated. "About Makena. What's your decision?"
Benji sighed. "I didn't - I haven't thought about it." Paul nodded and sighed.
"Think of it this way, Benj," Paul said. "If she's kept alive, but unable to do... well, anything but exist, she'll be miserable. And trapped."
Benji sighed. "So... you're saying I should... kill her?"
"No," Paul said, shaking his head. "She's already dead. I'm saying you should - you know - free her."
It sounded corny, but Paul had a point. Benji sighed. "I don't..."
"Benjamin?" Benji looked up and around to see a doctor dressed in the usual white lab coat, carrying a clip board and a pencil.
"Good to see you up and about," he commented, stepping into the room. "Although... I'd like to talk to you about something if you'd just step outside with me..."
Benji glanced at Paul and nodded, following the doctor into the hall where they could talk in private.
"I know you've been through a difficult couple of days," the doctor began. "But... have you made your decision on what you're going to do to Makena?" Benji sighed. "I don't need to know the decision right now," the doctor continued. "Some people have been in comas for years and waken up after that long."
Benji thought about what Paul had said - how she would be miserable and how trapped she would feel, living without actually living.
"I... uh..." Benji began, glancing at Paul, who was trying to turn the TV on. He paused and sighed. "I guess... I have to let her go."