Live And Let Die
Chapter 2
By: Makena
TODAY (2003)
She was falling off a cliff. She was slitting her wrists. She was involved in a head-on collision with another car. She was being held up at gunpoint. She was the victim of a serial killer and the target of a terrorist attack.
"Fuck," he whispered, sitting bolt upright, drenched in sweat. He Realized immediately that it had been yet another dream and shook his head.
He sat up and hugged his knees close to his body, resting his forehead on his knees and closing his eyes. Once his breathing returned to normal, he had the strong urge to indulge in alcohol. But no - there was no alcohol here. There hadn't been for over a year - almost two, now, maybe. He couldn't get back to sleep, and the sweet taste of a little liquor would help that along, but no. There was no alcohol.
"Benji?" another voice whispered in the darkness of the tiny room. Benji looked to his left and saw Joel, who was beginning sitting up in his own bunk. He didn't reply. He rested his forehead on his knees again and tried not to think of the horrible series of nightmares that had invaded his sleep for years.
"Again?" Joel whispered. Benji nodded and let out a heavy sigh. Joel was the only one who knew what he dreamed about. Billy and Paul never knew - he didn't want to tell them, because they had known her better than he ever had. It was stupid he still thought about her.
"I can't let you drink," Joel said. Benji sighed and tried to block his brother out.
"Then give me something else," he whispered back. "Drugs, painkillers. Just something! Oh, wait - never mind, Joel, cause you know I'm supposed to be straight edge now and everything."
"Benji," Joel sighed. "Doing shit like that because of a girl you knew maybe eight years ago is just stupid."
"Fuck you, Joel," Benji muttered. "You don't know what it's like to be me."
"Benji, I'm your fucking twin."
"That doesn't make you Benji. *I* make me Benji. I'M Benji. You're just Joel, Benji's brother."
"Don't refer to yourself in third person," Joel said. "It's creepy."
"You don't know what goes on in my mind," Benji continued, ignoring Joel's request. Joel sighed and fell back to his bed.
"Whatever," he muttered. "It's too fucking late to do this. Just go back to sleep and bitch at me in the morning if you still feel like it." Benji rolled his eyes and let himself fall back to his own bed, resting his head on his pillow. He stared at the wall on his right, lost in thought.
Depression still ate away at him, and it had only had a chance to get worse since Good Charlotte's sudden fame. He didn't drink anymore - he had "given it up." He had, of course, asked for a little help from Joel and his friends to limit his alcohol intake - that was thanks to a fan he met backstage once. But he didn't ask them to take it away all at once. And that's exactly what they did.
He hadn't ever done drugs above the experimental level. Alcohol was his own drug. And then there was Makena, and it tore him up to know that he had a kid out there that was being raised by god knew who. Makena? Maybe. Maybe some other people with money and a two story house in a nice neighborhood that drove mini vans to soccer practice and gave expensive gifts at Christmas and birthdays. Maybe Makena was one of those other people, who lived with her boyfriend or husband or...
"Fuck," Benji muttered, curling himself up into the fetal position. He tried to forget about everything for at least an hour so he could get the rest he so desperately needed.
-----
Benji's eyes snapped open as a sudden burst of music filled the bus. He sat upright again, but seemed to notice that he was the only one left in the bunk area. He looked out the tiny window just above Joel's bed and determined that it was late morning, early afternoon, and the bus had been stopped.
He climbed out of bed and grabbed some pants to put on before he yawned and stumbled out bed and into the main area, where Paul was playing air guitar to the Clash and Joel was reading something from a book.
"Turn it the fuck down!" Benji screamed above the noise. Paul, having barely heard this, turned slightly and stopped playing when he noticed Benji.
"MORNING!" Paul shouted.
"TURN IT THE FUCK DOWN!" Benji repeated. Paul sighed to himself and walked to the radio and turned it down.
"Just turn it off," Benji said sleepily. Paul groaned and turned the CD player off completely when Billy hopped onto the bus with a plastic bag. He paused when he saw Benji.
"Damn it," he cursed. "I didn't know you were up."
Benji shrugged and walked over to the table Joel was sitting at and sat down across from him.
"Well, we're stopped at a gas station, so you can get something if you want," Billy explained. Benji shrugged and got up anyway. He was hungry - and thirsty.
"I don't have any cash on me," he said, nabbing his hat from the couch. Billy held out a ten and Benji took it without question.
"I'll pay you back," Benji promised, jamming the hat onto his head and jumping off the bus. He breathed deeply and took in the cold winter air. He shivered, wearing nothing but a t-shirt and jeans. The door opened and a young girl stepped out, pulling on the arm of a little boy.
"Gah, get the fuck out here, Mark," she cursed, trying to pull him out of the store. "We're going now."
Benji sighed and held the door open for them as the girl finally got a hold of him and pulled him away, kicking and screaming for a treat. He walked in and walked around to see what he could buy with ten borrowed dollars. He walked past the alcohol and hesitated. Over a year – almost two.
'You can't deny yourself any longer,' a tiny voice in the back of his head began.
"Yes I can," Benji said softly, quickly walking past the liquor and the alcohol to prove to himself that he could, in fact, resist. He walked along the other isles to view his other choices, but he couldn't keep his eyes off the alcohol.
'Maybe just one more,' he thought. 'Something to celebrate me not drinking it...'
-----
"What's with Benji?" Paul asked. Joel shrugged, pretending he didn't know.
"I dunno," he lied. "Why?"
"He's really cranky," Paul said. "I mean, more so than usual."
"He's probably just tired," Joel said. "He's been having nightmares." Billy and Paul looked at Joel, who immediately covered his mouth and looked between the two of them.
"He has nightmares?" Billy asked, a little skeptical. Joel didn't say anything.
"Well... what about?" Paul pried. Joel shook his head and returned to his book.
"Nothing," he lied. "He won't tell me."
It hadn't sounded convincing to him, but it must have to Billy and Paul, because they immediately dropped the topic. Paul's cell phone rang from the table and everyone looked at it.
"Joel, toss that to me?" Paul said. Joel nodded and picked it up, looking at the number so he could see who was calling. He laughed to himself before holding it up for Paul to take.
"Who's number is 883-6760?"
Paul hurried to his phone and snatched it out of Joel's hands. The words AARON - CELL popped up only moments later. Paul shrugged at Joel's question and answered the phone.
"Hello?"
"Hey, Paul," Aaron said on the other line.
"Uh, hey," Paul said, glancing at Joel. "What's up?"
"I was wondering if you'd do me a favor," he said.
"Shoot," Paul said, sitting on the small couch.
"I know this girl," Aaron began. "And you're going to be near where she lives in a couple of days..."
"I think I know where this is going," Paul said with a sigh.
"Just - hold on," Aaron said. "She wants to meet you guys."
"How did I guess?" Paul said with a short laugh.
"Please?" Aaron said. "She wants to see all of you - not JUST Benji, although that was kind of tops on her list."
"Go figure," Paul said, rolling his eyes.
"Please meet her? It's my godson's mother, and she really wants to see you."
Paul laughed. "Your god son? Who'd give you a god son?"
"Paul..."
"Yeah, yeah," Paul said with a sigh. "We'll meet her. What's she look like?"
"She got long blond hair, blue eyes - you knew her in high school."
Paul's eyes went wide. "You're not serious," he said. "She's... her?"
"I wasn't suppose to tell you, but... just keep it a secret, okay? Don't tell anyone, okay?" Paul nodded, as if Aaron could see him over the phone.
"She's gonna bring - you know? - with her?" Paul asked, lowering is voice.
"Yeah," Aaron said. "His name is Gavin. He's six."
Paul nodded again. "Okay. Thanks, dude. Benji'll..." he trailed off. "Never mind."
Aaron sighed. "Yeah. Take care of her."
"We will," Paul promised. "Don't worry about it."
Aaron sighed again. "Thanks. Bye."
"Bye." Paul hung up and stared thoughtfully out the window for a while.
"Um... earth to Paul?" Billy said. "Who was that?"
Paul looked up at him and shook his head. "No one."
Billy nodded. He knew what he meant by no one, because Aaron had left Good Charlotte because of Benji and Joel, not Billy and Paul.