I Can Save You
Chapter 3
By: Makena
Benji had another dream about Fey that night - she was dressed in a huge, fancy red dress and she was in the tallest tower of an almost completely destroyed castle. She had been sitting on the window seat and offered Benji to be saved until a dragon came and began to tear at her. Even then she asked to save him when it seemed like the person who needed to be saved was herself. Benji woke up in a bad mood.
"She can't even leave me alone in my sleep now," he said as he walked down the stairs for some breakfast.
"Fey brought you this," Joel said once Benji had entered the kitchen.
He held up another note. Benji didn't even want to look at it - he took it and tore it up. "Why can't she just leave me the fuck alone?!" he screamed.
He ate his breakfast and went back up the stairs for a shower and into his room to change. He sat on his bed in his towel for a moment, just thinking. He had thought about the subject at hand before - many times before, actually, but he had never done anything about it. Now he had this strong, overwhelming urge to do something and he wanted it done so his anger and his pain could finally leave him.
He got up and, with one hand, searched his top drawer where he kept his socks. Inside one of them he found an extra razor blade he had kept for moments like this. Usually, when he was in a reckless or pissed off mood he would die his hair - but he didn't have any die and it was pointless to drive to the store to buy some and get back only to find out that his reckless and pissed off mood had been destroyed.
He felt the blade in his hand for a moment before he sat down on his bed again and slowly began to cut himself. At first, he felt satisfaction - sick pleasure and satisfaction from the pain he was creating for himself. And he truly did feel better - but only for a couple of minuets. It began to hurt him as he made his sixth slit and he decided to stop there.
After he had done it, he felt okay, but as he put his t-shirt on and realized there was no way to cover them all up he began to feel guilty and ashamed for what he had done. He sighed and decided to let it go for the time being - he could make up some lame, half-assed excuse if Joel ever found out. Benji began to make up stories in his mind as he walked down the stairs, but none of them seemed exactly logical.
"What's on the agenda for today?" Joel asked randomly, walking in with the mail.
"Going somewhere," Benji replied, trying to cross his arms to hide the cuts.
One of them re-opened and he could feel the blood begin to slowly slide down his arm.
"Where?" Joel questioned.
"Anywhere but where SHE can find me," Benji said, motioning towards Fey's house. "She's pissing the hell outa me."
"I've noticed," Joel said. He paused, thinking over what he would say next. "Did she say something like she wants to save you or something?"
Benji shrugged, but nodded.
"Yeah," he said. "She say that to you?"
Joel shook his head and frowned, unsure if he really wanted to say what he was about to. "You know..." Joel began. "Maybe... no, never mind."
"Never mind what?" Benji said.
"Nothing," Joel said, shaking his head. "I forgot."
"Bull shit," Benji said. "Say what you were going to say and get it out."
Joel hesitated. "Well," he began. "Maybe... maybe you should let her "save" you."
Benji stared, dumbfounded at his brother.
"What?" Benji asked.
Joel sighed. "See, I knew you would take it like this."
"Like WHAT?!"
"Like and ASS HOLE!" Joel shouted.
"I don't need to be "saved," and I especially don't need to be "saved" by HER!" Benji yelled.
He felt as the small drop of blood slid further down his arm and was suddenly visible. Joel stopped shouting and looked at the small red drop on his brother's arm.
"What the fuck...?" he began.
Benji tried to hide everything, but Joel caught his wrist and stretched his arm out and shot his sleeve up. Six freshly done cuts were visible in a couple different spots on Benji's arm.
"Benji..." he gasped. "What... how did that happen?"
Benji's mind worked furiously, trying to think of ways that could have happened - if only they had a cat.
"Oh my god, Benji," Joel said, trying to pull his brother in for a hug.
Benji backed away and wouldn't let his twin hug him.
"I don't need to be saved," Benji repeated, sounding like a drone more than Benji. "I'm fine. Fucking perfect."
"Benji, you are not fine," Joel said. "Look at your arm - Look at what you did to yourself. Look at it!"
Benji didn't look at his arm - he pulled his sleeve down instead.
"Please Benji... let Fey help you... if not Fey, let SOMEBODY help you."
Benji's heart was beating furiously in his chest, but he didn't say anything. He didn't know what to think or say - all he knew was that Fey wasn't the only one who thought he needed to be "saved" and Benji didn't know how to feel.
Joel tried to talk to Benji about the cuts, but Benji wasn't willing to participate in that conversation and Joel didn't know what to say. Instead, he drove into town and left Benji at home - he needed to talk to Fey. He parked and walked half a block to a store called Gypsy - a book store pretty much like Boarders but Gypsy was a traveling book store. It moved locations every year or so. It was expensive, but the store did well.Joel walked inside and looked around for Fey - he knew she worked today. He didn't find her right away, so he asked a middle aged woman at the counter and she called Fey to the front of the store.
"Hey Joel," Fey said, emerging from behind the curtains that blocked the back room from view. "What can I do you for?"
Joel hesitated and began to walk to the small coffee bar while he thought about weather or not he should tell her. Benji didn't like her, and Joel hardly knew her. "I wanted to talk to you," Joel said, slowly working the words in his mind.
"I figured that," Fey said brightly. "Decaf or regular?"
"Regular," Joel answered. "It's about Benji."
"Really?" Fey asked, pouring a white coffee mug full of regular coffee. "That I wasn't really expecting." She slid the coffee mug in front of Joel and handed him a bowl full of sugar and cream packets.
"I'm a little worried about him," Joel said.
"I can see why," Fey said, leaning across the counter. "What happened?"
"I was talking to him and I noticed some blood... I think he cut himself." Joel paused. "Never mind... I know he cut himself."
"Oh," Fey said, her usually jumpy mood disappearing slightly. "Why'd he do that?"
Joel shook his head - like he knew Benji's motives. "It's just... I don't know what to do! I don't know if he's gonna try and kill himself..."
"Not everybody that cuts themselves tries to kill themselves," Fey said, cutting Joel off.
"Not EVERYBODY," Joel said. "But some people." He paused and took a couple sips of his coffee. He shrugged and looked back up at Fey. "When does Gypsy head out again?" he asked, trying to get the subject off his brother and onto something else.
Fey made a face, trying to remember when they moved. "Soon," she said. "We're starting a sale tomorrow... a couple weeks I think. Why?"
"Just wondering," he shrugged, finishing his coffee. "How much?"
Fey smiled.
"On the house," she said.
Joel frowned, but she insisted that it was because he was a good friend and not because he was Joel Madden from Good Charlotte so he let her pay for it. Joel went home and found Benji, doing nothing. But he knew he had cut himself again - he was wearing a hoodie in the middle of summer.
'What's gonna happen to you, Benji?' Joel thought, watching his brother write some things into a notebook. 'Please don't kill yourself.'
------
The phone rang in the kitchen. Benji looked around for Joel to answer it, but Joel was in the shower. Benji frowned but picked it up anyway.
"Hello?" he said.
"Benji?"
Benji frowned.
"Yeah," Benji said. "Who is this?"
"Hold on a sec."
Benji frowned and wondered what the hell this was all about. There was suddenly loud music blaring from the other end of the phone and Benji knew who it was. He hung the phone up and walked across the street to Fey's house.
"Fey!" Benji shouted from the end of her drive way. "FEY! Get the fuck out here!!"
Fey peered through her window and turned her radio off once she realized it was Benji. She walked to the door and stepped outside.
"Yes?" she called from the front step.
"I DON'T WANT YOU TO FUCKING SAVE ME!" he screamed at her.
She cocked her head at him slightly. "Why not?" she asked him calmly.
"Why not?!" he repeated. "WHY NOT?! I don't need to be saved!! Just leave me the fuck alone!!"
She smiled and began to walk towards him, but fell and twisted her ankle. She didn't cry or scream or anything - she just sat there and held her ankle.
"Oh jesus..." Benji muttered.
He tried to make himself leave and make her get herself back to her house, but he couldn't turn around. Instead, he stood at the end of her driveway for a moment and watched her roll her pant leg up.
Finally, Benji walked up to her and knelt down by her. He looked at her ankle, which was already swelling. Fey let him examine it, watching him with little amazement.
"It's probably sprained," Benji said. "Not bad - it'll be better in a day or two."
He scooped her up in his arms and Fey wrapped her arms around his neck, smiling at him. He carried her into her house and placed her on the sofa by the door. Before he could stand back up, he leaned over her for a moment and, suddenly, kissed her on the lips. Not surprised in the least, Fey returned the kiss.
Benji didn't know what had come over him - what had possessed him to kiss her. She was suddenly so beautiful as if she had never been before. Benji kissed her neck next as Fey removed her hands from around his neck and down his arms.
"Benji," she whispered. "Benji... stop."
Benji didn't want to, but he stopped kissing her for a moment as she ran her hand up and down his arms.
"Benji, what...?" She paused and sat up, looking at Benji's arms. "Oh my god..."
Benji looked at his arms and suddenly remembered - the cuts. He backed away from her a little, but Fey still held onto his arm.
"It's true," she said, allowing herself to roll his t-shirt sleeve up a little to reveal more cuts. "I didn't think it was true, but..."
Benji had become suddenly nervous and felt like he had before Fey tripped and twisted her ankle. "What?" he asked her. "What do you mean you 'didn't think it was true?'"
Fey bit her bottom lip. "Your brother came into my store today..."
Benji, enraged that his brother had said something to someone - her, especially - stood up and walked out of Fey's house. When he returned to his own house, Joel was out of the shower and flipping through some TV channels.
"You TOLD her?!" Benji yelled at him as soon as he had slammed the door shut. "Out of all the people you could have told, you chose the one person I hate the most!"
Joel frowned and looked up at his brother.
"What?" he asked, a little confused.
"You went and told Fey I cut myself!" Benji raged.
"Oh..." Joel said. "That."
"Why the fuck would you do that?" Benji screamed. "Why?!"
Joel sighed and stood up, turning the TV off.
"I thought maybe if I told her about it, she would help you," Joel said.
"Yes, she's tried that," Benji said. "Thank you for telling her I'm a complete psycho!"
"You need help, Benji," Joel said. "Just... please just get SOME kind of help! Any - even if it's not from Fey. I don't want you to do anything stupid."
"I'm not DOING anything stupid!" Benji shouted. "Did you think I was going to kill myself?!"
Joel didn't answer - instead, he looked down at the ground.
"Oh my god..." Benji said. "You thought I was going to kill myself..." Benji shook his head and turned to go upstairs - he couldn't take much more of the day.
------
Almost a week and a half had gone by since Joel had told Fey about Benji's cutting. Things had only gotten worse in Benji's mind, and he continued to do it almost daily. It was his emotional release, his way of crying. He felt so much better when he did it.
He looked at his cuts closely one morning after he woke up - one of them was bleeding because he had slept on it wrong and it had reopened. He examined each cut carefully before pulling his t-shirt on and heading down stairs. He didn't even try to hide the cuts that his t-shirt wouldn't cover - like the shallow cuts he had made across his wrists. Joel knew he did it, and it was pointless to try and hide them.
"Morning," Joel greeted him, encouraging a smile.
Benji shrugged and went to the refrigerator, searching for something to eat.
"Fey's moving in a couple of days," Joel said randomly.
"Good," Benji said, getting the milk carton out.
Joel watched Benji grab a bowl, a spoon and some cereal and noticed a couple of new cuts on his arm. Joel sighed and wondered how to bring it up.
"Fey's a nice girl," Joel continued, still looking at Benji's cuts.
Benji shrugged and sat down across from Joel. Joel sighed and rubbed his eyes with the heel of his hand - his contacts were bugging him.
"Benji..."
Benji rolled his eyes and put his spoon down in his bowl.
"Oh god," he said.
"I am serious, Benji," Joel said. "You need help."
"Fey doesn't want to help," Benji said. "She wants to save."
"Then let her save you," Joel said.
Benji didn't reply.
"I swear to god, if you don't let somebody help you Benji I'm going to call somebody and I'll put in a state hospital or something."
Benji frowned and stared up at Joel.
"What the hell did I ever to do you?" Benji asked.
"You're doing it to yourself, and when you do it to yourself you do it to me," Joel said. "You're my twin - my other fucking half. I love you and hurts when you do shit like that to yourself."
Benji shook his head, not wanting to believe what Joel had just told him. Put him in a state hospital? For the unstable and the mental? He didn't think so. He went upstairs without finishing his breakfast to take his shower.
He watched Fey move cardboard boxes from his bedroom window for a while after he had taken his shower. He wouldn't miss her at all - he would miss her too much. He couldn't stand her - he couldn't survive without her. Benji got up and looked himself over in his mirror. Maybe Fey and Joel were right - maybe he did need to be saved. Maybe Joel would throw him in the funny farm.
Maybe he should just kill himself.
Benji sighed and pulled out one of the many suicide notes he had written to Joel over the past week and laid it out on his unmade bed. From his drawer he took his razor and began to cut himself more heavily than he ever had before. He moved the razor to his left wrist. He pressed the razor into his skin...
He couldn't do it. Before he could slice his wrist open, Benji let himself cry harder than he had ever remembered crying in his entire life. He didn't hold the razor away from himself as he cried - he simply cried. He slid off the end of his bed and sat on his floor, still propped up. He suddenly remembered that the razor was there when he realized that he had slit his wrist and it was bleeding. He stood up and threw his razor aside, trying to stop the bleeding whit his other hand.
Benji walked into the hall and heard the shower going - Joel was taking a shower. He walked down the stairs and walked himself to Fey's house where he banged on her front door, trying not to get blood on her door. Fey opened the door and smiled.
"Hey, Benjamin," she greeted him merrily. "What brings you to my door step?"
Benji held up his wrist and nodded down at it. Fey looked down at it and sighed.
"Come on," she said, letting him into her house. "We'll clean you up..."
Benji silently thanked her as he walked past her into her house and followed her to the bathroom. She never asked any questions about it - no, "why would you want to do this" or "that was a stupid thing to do" that. She took his wrist her hand and washed the wound off with hydrogen peroxide.
"You'll be fine," she told him. "You didn't hit your vain... you just got a bleeder."
She paused and found some bandages and carefully wrapped one around his wrist. She had Benji sit up on the counter and take his shirt off so that she could clean up his still bleeding cuts.
"Um... thanks," Benji said, trying not to wince as the hydrogen peroxide touched his cuts.
Fey smiled and threw the cotton balls away before she cut some more bandages and wrapped them around a few of the deeper cuts on Benji's arm.
"You're welcome," she said, looking up at him.
She leaned in slowly and kissed him on the cheek. Benji blinked and looked down at her. She smiled and handed him his t-shirt before she walked out of the bathroom. Benji sighed and put his t-shirt on before walking into the hall and into the dining room where Fey was packing up some dishes. Benji picked up a plate and began to wrap it in news paper.
"What happened?" Fey asked him, placing a plate inside a cardboard box before wrapping up another one.
Benji just shrugged.
"My brother seems to agree with you," he said slowly, watching Fey.
"The saving thing?" she asked.
Benji nodded.
"What do you think?"
Benji paused as Fey looked up at him, catching his eyes while she waited for his answer. Benji thought about it for what seemed like hours to him.
"Will you help me?" he asked her finally.
Fey smiled at him and placed a plate into the box.
"I'm leaving in a couple of days," she told him.
"Oh," Benji said, lowering his eyes to the plate he was still wrapping. "Yeah... I forgot."
Neither of them said anything for a couple of minuets. Fey finally broke the silence.
"How badly do you want me to save you?" she asked him.
Benji looked up at her.
"Never mind," she said. "Don't answer. You're coming with me."
"I'm going with you?" Benji repeated. "Where exactly are you going?"
Fey grinned and grabbed a map from the counter and laid it across the table for Benji to see. Outlined in yellow highlighter was a detoured route to L.A. - all the way on the west coast. Most of it was off the major freeways, but a small part of it did go through inner states and whatever. The path Fey had chosen crisscrossed through most of the states - definitely not the most direct path to L.A.
"Not exactly a direct route is it?" Benji asked, looking the map over.
Fey grinned.
"Well?" she asked.
Benji thought about it and finally agreed to pack his things and leave with her in two days. No hesitation, no thought - he wanted to be saved and he was ready to give everything he had ever known in his entire life up.