Enjoy Your Day
By: Natalie
so where'd you go?
how was your vacation home?
She watched as the tears trickling down her cheeks melted into the blood dripping from her wrists. The salt water stung against the fresh cuts and she hissed, closing her eyes momentarily before opening them again to watch.
This had always been her favorite part. Watching what she had done. Seeing the destruction firsthand. She shook slightly as more tears fell and the mix of blood and saline dribbled off her alabaster skin to the wood beneath her. The watery substance made trails in the thick layer of dust that covered the floorboards, and she stopped shaking for a second, watching the patterns it made. It was almost pretty. In a sick, sad way.
She wasn't sure why she had decided to do this in the closet. Most would pick someplace more obvious, like the bathroom. Or even the bedroom. Maybe that would have been more of a statement, for him to find her on the stripped mattress, the blue of her skin contrasting with the white sheets and the crimson bloodstains.
But the closet was more sentimental, at least to her. That sounded dumb, even in her head, and she scoffed out loud, slumping down further in the cramped space.
so this is how you leave me?
i'm broken hearted on the floor.
She reached for the blade, dropped off carelessly to the side after she'd begun the last cut, and struggled to force her fingers into wrapping around it. It was like she had no feeling left in her fingers, and the sticky slickness of the blood was making it hard to grasp the cool metal. She closed her eyes in frustration and decided to rest a little bit before trying to pick up the knife again. She was so tired.
As her vision cut off, black and white movies began to play on the back of her eyelids.
Age 8. She saw herself in the closet with him, saw the way they used to play hide and go seek with each other, the way they used to trick his brother into thinking they were hiding separately when they always broke the rules and ended up with each other. She used to have to hold her hand over his mouth to shut out his maniacal giggles when they could hear the older twin calling out for them desperately.
Age 13. She saw herself as an awkward teenager, skinned knees, braces, and a sharp wit to hide the pain inside. She saw the way she used to shut herself in the hall closet, the most least likely place anyone would look for her, and cry hysterically, face buried in her father's old navy pea coat to muffle the sounds. The only place he always knew she would be was there. He was the only one who knew where she closed herself away, and he was the only one she allowed in. Ever.
Age 17. She saw herself growing into her body, becoming someone she never thought she'd be. She saw him doing the same, and she saw how she used to notice. How they used to notice each other when they thought the other wasn't looking. They'd been in the closet when they'd shared their first kiss, even though no one had been home to hide from. It was as if shutting themselves into a more clandestine position made it more intimate, made it mean more. It meant the world to her then, and it meant to the world to her now.
Age 23.
The blood was still dripping, and she realized slowly that she was still alive. She could feel herself becoming lethargic, but the pain was starting to set in. This had to happen faster. She didn't have much time as it was.
Swallowing and mustering up all of her strength, she managed to lift the knife. She brought it to her right arm and pressed the sharp edge of the blade against her forearm, right against the pulse point. She paused for a moment and waited, listening to her own heartbeat and her own thoughts.
my tears seep through the crack under my door
where i am locked in, shut down.
She let out a soft breath and opened her mouth to speak, though she wasn't sure who she was addressing.
"I don't understand," she whispered, her voice hoarse. "Why couldn't you just…love me?"
There was no answer, she would never get one. At least not from him.
The silence her only company, she pressed the blade more firmly against her flesh and exhaled in relief. It wouldn't be very much longer now.
"I'm not sorry, Joel," she murmured, feeling the knife slip from her fingers. She wondered if she should have written a note. No. It was better to make him think. Make him suffer and wonder for the rest of his life just what he had done. No amount of his suffering would ever cover the amount she'd dealt with in the two decades of her life.
i'm so tired of picking myself up off the ground.
But not anymore. Now, all she could feel was relief.
Sweet relief in the form of pain as more tears dripped down and mixed with the blood.
This was what she needed.
**
"Dude. Where are you going?"
Joel sighed and looked down at the bouquet of flowers he'd picked up at the store around the corner. "I thought I'd go…see her."
Benji blinked. "Yeah?"
Joel nodded. "Do you think…I went a little overboard?" His brother frowned.
"How many roses is that, man? 1500?"
"Two dozen," Joel corrected. "It's still not enough, though. At least not enough to tell her how much…"
Benji tossed his magazine aside and propped his socked feet up on the coffee table. It was good to be back in Waldorf after such a long time of touring, and he was enjoying their down time as much as he could. Joel, on the other hand, had been a nervous wreck for the whole week thus far.
"You've loved her for how long now? Since we were kids?"
Joel blushed and nodded. "As long as I can remember."
"Then yeah, you're right." Benji reached for the remote and yawned. "Two dozen isn't enough."
Joel blanched, looking down at the flowers. "Should I go get more?"
"Dude, no!" Something hit Joel hard in the leg and he realized Benji had flung the remote at him. "Just go already, will you? You've been bitching and worrying about telling her for the past two years. Get it over with. If I know her the way I think I do, she's probably just as crazy about you."
"You think?" Joel worried his bottom lip with his teeth and considered it. "She sounded so depressed when we talked on the phone, all with getting laid off and the anniversary of her dad's death coming up. I just hope it's not…too late, you know?"
"Too late for what?"
"I hope she hasn't found…someone else."
Benji sighed and wondered if they had any popcorn in the kitchen. He was getting bored with this. "Joel, just…fuckin' go, will you? Before I eat those roses."
"Alright." Joel glanced down at the bouquet again and pulled out one of the dark red flowers, tossing it at his brother. "Here. Happy Valentine's Day, Benj."
Benji picked up the flower and made an "aww" noise. "Well shucks, Joel. I didn't know you cared."
Joel laughed as he headed for the door. "I'll see you later, ok? Wish me luck."
"Luck!" Benji called. Joel started to close the front door, but stopped at his brother's final yelp.
"Hey, remember to check in the closet if you can't find her! That was always her favorite hiding place."
so happy valentine's day
i hope the sun's out in new york.
i hope he bought you roses
i hope he bought you roses.