Living in your Letters
Chapter 5
By: Pretty in Punk
--END OF FLASHBACK--
The doors of the elevator opened as he brushed his cheek where a tear unconsciously fell of his eyes. Joel hadn't talked to his Annie since the event at the party. He felt too much guilt about it. She had left messages on his cellphone, but he hadn't find the courage to talk to her, and all that was killing him. He had talked to Benji about it, and he told him that the best thing to do was telling her the truth, and that's what Joel finally decided he would do. Then, Benji would come to pick Joel and Annie up (to go on the tourbus) 10 minutes later, to give them the chance to talk about it. The last thing Joel wanted was hurting Annie. But he always had been true to her, he never lied to her, and he was not going to start today. He walked down the hall and finally found the room 1523, took a deep breath and hesitated a little before knocking at the door.
"Hold on!" Her voice. It made him melt, feel miserable and guilty. She had THAT power over him. The door opened on a very happy Annie.
"Joely!!!!" She said, throwing her arms around his neck and kissing him. When she saw he wasn't kissing back, she pulled away and looked into his eyes.
"Joely are you okay? Did someone die or something?" Joel looked at her, whispered "no" and faked a smile. She sighed in relief.
"Joely, i was so afraid! What if someone was really dead? My heart stopped to beat for like three seconds! Don't do that again!" She laughed, half in relief and half for the happiness to see him.
She had waited so long just to see him, and maybe this was this hapiness that blinded her, cauz she didn't really sense that something was wrong. She was only thinking about the fact that she would spend the next month with him, him, her everything. She smiled again and surprised him by kissing lightly but passionately his cheek. He looked at her eyes inches away from his. How could he have done that to her? She was … everything a man could ask about a woman. She was so sweet and lovable. He was completely head over heels for her, she was his everything.
"Annie, we need to talk." Annie looked at him, a little confused, finally sensing something was wrong, and nodded.
"Okay, come inside first, we won't spend the night in the doorway." She said laughed lightly, smiled warmly, and took his hand bringing him inside the hotel room and leaving the door unlocked. He sat on the end of the bed while she opened the big door-window to let some fresh air come in, took a quick look at the stars and put the roses in a vase on the table next to her bed, where her acoustic guitar was.
"You remembered they were my favorites, thanks Joely." She said, remembering when on their first official date he had brought her a bunch of white roses. She sat next to him, took his hand and kissed each of his fingertips, one by one. Then looked in his eyes.
"So, you needed to talk to me?" She said, smiling innocently, and continued to kiss his fingertips.
He knew she knew he always had loved when she did that, and he sighed, feeling worst than ever before. Joel gently took her face in his hands. For some seconds, he forgot everything he had done before. He just wanted to kiss her, hold her. Take her in his arms and caress her hips while they would kiss passionnatly. But that was not going to happen, because Joel knew he didn't deserve her love after what he had done. He blinked and realized he was lost in thought for some minutes now and he was still holding her face close from his and she had a questionning look in his eyes. He came back to reality; then he opened his mouth, but only to close it right after. He was going to do it. In some seconds, he would do the last thing he wanted to do. He was going to break her heart. He turned his head away from her just so he could look down at the blanket and not face her. He couldn't help but take her hand, and he started to talk.
"Annie, do you remember when we were kids i told you i was never going to lie to you? Well that's still true, i never did. But what i did… i fear is worst than this. What i did… i wish i could take it all back. If there's one hour in all my life i could take back it would be this one. I'm going to explain myself but before you promise you are not going to interrupt me until i'm finished." He sensed her nod. He breathed deeply, sensing the sharp hint of tears forming in the corner of his eyes. Reality sucks. In dreams you always end up with the princess, and nothing never ends. 'and they married and were happy ever after', says the fairytale. Reality does suck. In reality, you can lose everything you ever had by one word you say.
"Two weeks ago, I was really depressed. I was never doing anything but thinking about you, days and night. Benji being concerned he was scared for me so he invited me to some party to cheer me up… and I was really down, I didn't want to go, because I wanted to stay in my bed to stare at pictures of you and me all night long, like I used to do for three days in line. I didn't have slept right in so long. I never sleep well when you are not in my arms. My hands feel empty and this bugs me to the point my eyes just don't want to close… Anyway Benji argued, and I finally agreed. For the first time of my life, I decided I was going to smoke some weed. Because I wanted to relax, to forget. To get you out of my head. To mm.. fill the emptiness I felt and always feel when you are away. I couldn't deal with wanting to hold you in my arms days and night. I don't remember what happened next, I drank… then I was drunk… really drunk, then all was black. I really have no clue how I ended up like this. When I woke up the next morning I…" He took a deep breath an let a tear slip out of his eyes. This was it. He was going to say what he had feared to say and kept him awake for two weeks now. "I was in a bed next to some girl. I was naked, so was she. We did it.. I... I cheated on you. I feel so horrible."
Before she could say anything, he continued, "I love you so much, you know I always will. But this love is killing me. It's killing us both. I think… I think we should not see each other anymore. I don't want to get drunk and cheat on you anymore. I want to see you happy. I think we're better… we should only be friends."
He looked up at her. Her eyes were empty. She was trembling. She had the same blank face she had have when she had learned her mother's death, but somehow it was different, it was worst than ever.
Painful realization, all was gone. Joel got really worried.
"Annie, are you okay?" She kept staring directly in front of her, without blinking, without moving, without breathing. Joel took her in his arms and hugged her tight.
"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry" he repeated, again and again. After five minutes, She pulled away. She had made a decision.
"Joely, do you remember when my mother died.. I had a therapy, and they told me the only way to express the feelings I could not say with words, I had to say it through a song?" He nodded and clutched his eyes in hers. He had to be strong for both of them now.
"I'm going to improvise, but I really want you to listen to this. It would mean everything to me. This is … all you have to remember forever about me." She grabbed her acoustic guitar and started to sing and play.
I'm always assuming the worst, but you're going on none the less & there's nothing to cushion your heart, led fall. Letters from further away keep pulling me close to home. And there's something to cushion my callous sighs. And I know that you hope for longer good-byes embracing for forever and falling in your eyes, your eyes. Your eyes….
Pouring over photographs.
I'm living in your letters.
Breathe
deeply from this envelope
it smells like you and
I can't be without that scent.
It's filling me with all you mean to me.
To me.
Continually failing these trials
but you stand by me nonetheless
& you won't let me sink
though I'm begging you.
I'm begging you.
Phone calls from further away
& messages on my machine,
but I don't ever tell you this distance
seems terrible.
There is no need to test my heart,
with useless space.
These roads go on forever
There'll always be a place
For you
In my heart
She looked at him, now he was crying, because he understood how she felt. He had felt the same way. Tears finally started to run down her cheeks, half from what would happen next, half from seeing him like this. He had never seen her cry before. His once happy hazel eyes were black, and he was blank. His eyes were red from crying. He thought she didn't want to see him again, even as a friend. And he wanted to stay friend with her, at least. In fact, he knew he still needed her to be his, he still needed to be hers. 'I couldn't live without her in my life' is what he was thinking. Right, he really didn't know what would happen next.
------
She put the guitar on her side. She looked in his eyes, the eyes she loved so much. She kissed him lightly but more passionately than she never had done before. She breathed deeply, to never forget his scent, to never forget him. One of her tears fell and ended on his shirt, right where was his heart. He looked in her eyes and his world broke down. Her eyes were crying, but they were filled with deep, true love. He thought this was a goodbye kiss, so why was she looking at him this way? He didn't understood. She smiled weakly.
"Joely, I want you to know that I meant every words in this song. Even if you don't love me anymore, that won't change the fact that I always did and I will always love you, whatever you will ever feel. If i'm going now, it's because you were the only person I was living for. All I ever was on earth for was to make happy. Now I'm useless. I wish you'll find the one that will finally make you the happy man I tried to make you. Goodbye, Joely." She brushed one last tear from his eyes, and kissed his forehead, just like he did when they were younger when she had have a bad day.
Before he could do anything, before he could assimilate her words with her acts, before he could hold her hand and tell her how much he still loved her, that he still wanted to be hers, she walked to the window, looked one last time at him with a tear streaked face, smiled with melancholy and jumped out of the window. An almost silent sound. Then total silence.
The door burst open. It was Benji coming to take Joel and Annie to the tourbus. "So, how was the making out kiss?" He asked, joking innocently. He never got an answer. Joel was facing the wide open window. He was looking up, to the stars. Joel spoke.
"She used to say that stars are the guardian angel of the human race. They are always watching for us, even when we don't see them during the day or on a cloudy night, just like angels. She used to say angels were going to save her. I wish I was an angel, I wish I could have saved her…" Joel looked at Benji, his eyes full of tears, with a sad smile.
"What are you talking about, dude? And where is she?" Benji asked, confused. Again, he never got the answer.
"Benji, I know I don't tell this enough to people I care about but… just never forget that I love you." Joel jumped out of the window and fell started to fall in the dark.
She always had been his everything. He loved her more than himself, than anything, more than love. His heart never had learned how to love someone else, and it never would. He would be hers forever. Those paradoxicaly happy thoughts were in his head when it hit the floor, right next to her. The only way he wanted to die.
'So I'll hit the pavement
it's gotta be better than waiting
& pushing you far away
cause I'm scared.
So I'll take my chances
& head on my way up there.
Cause turning to you is like
falling in love when you're ten.
( i wish i could've acknowledged you how i fell in love with you that very first day, do you remember, under the couch?.... so we would not have wasted our time. You've always been my star, my guardian angel, and now i'll be there to watch over you forever without distance and tears. Cauz without you i am an empty shell of human...)
The End
how did you like it? Did you cry? * yes, i did* Review! 3 nights without sleeping work is worth a little review =)