You Are Mine
By: Pretty in Punk
---How can your eyes be crying and filled with love all at once?
Though this was a goodbye kiss, It was the best 2 seconds of my life -----
"Happy birthday, love of my life!" You say as you barge into my white bedroom as you always do and sit on my red duvet covers next to my feet, right after placing a quick kiss on my nose.
(you know that’s one of my weak point, you know it never fails to flush my cheeks bright pink, you know every single detail…)
"I want to make today special!" You continue, "so not only I am your slave for the day, but I am your slave in every way!" You say in a suggestive manner, winking.
I look into your eyes full of lust (but who manage to still look innocent to me). I can’t help but grin at this sight. It’s been –what? 5 months?- since I met you and anyone could tell that it was pure love at first sight. After longing half my teen years to meet Joel and working like a dog to put on a band (and after a lot of failings) to get to meet and get close to Good Charlotte I finally got a great band, a record deal, a tour with Good Charlotte and.. I got Joel. After 6 years, I got the man of my dreams. It can sound weird to you, doing all this to go out with the singer of a band that I saw 3 or 4 times at shows, but it’s what happened. And here I am now, 20 years-old, with a 28 years-old man (time seems so futile to lovers, you know) that I thought I could only dream about having one day, the happiest woman alive.
"You silly, it’s only 11 in the morning!" I say mocking as I look at the clock next to the bed. "Did you eat too much sugar again?"
You pout in the cutest manner, kinda like a lost puppy, knowing all too well I can’t help but lean in and kiss your lips. You always win at this game. Well, if kissing you means losing, which it is not at all.
I take my hands out from under the covers and I reach for your face, caressing your jaw line and your neck with my fingertips, and I break our embrace after some seconds and I just hug you, and you hug me back, knowing just how tight I like to be held. I place my forehead on your shoulder and start playing with the string of your hoodie, never meeting your glance. Instinctively, our breaths start to rhythm. I could stay like this forever. It’s a beautiful Sunday morning, nothing can make us move.
Nothing, but this.
"so, you being my slave, I can have anything?" I say, pushing you away a little.
"Anything", you repeat, passing your hand through my morning crazy long black hair, placing it on my back and massaging it.
"I wanna dance", I blurt out.
"Dance?" You say, probably surprised a little (but not a bit in fact, you know my crazy attitude, you know how random I sometimes am, you know every single detail…).
"Yeah, in fact I want you to go put on the old tuxedo you were wearing for your video clip Lifestyle of the rich and the famous that’s still hanging somewhere in your closet and to come and join me in the living room in half an hour exactly."
"Talk ‘bout a woman who knows what she wants!" You say, laughing a little and getting up. With one last rapid glance at me, joined with a smile, as always, you get out of the room.
"Oh, and don’t you dare getting out of your room before that!" I shout, getting out of bed and running to the shower in the bathroom next to my bedroom. I do as quick as I can, then I get out and brush my teeth real quick, then I go back in my room in a towel walking to my closet. In the back of it there is a sack containing exactly what I'm going to wear; my old prom dress. It’s still beautiful, though. It’s all black with fuchsia details, the bottom is put up to the hip with a ribbon, exposing one of my leg. The top is a corset with the sleeves around the neck, and the black and pink stripped gloves are in the sack too. I smile at the sight. It’s been a while, hope it still fits. I was 16 when I put it last time. Time goes so fast.. but then again…
I put it on, and realize it fits me even better then back when I was 16. I think I lost weight, or whatever. I was kinda chubby back then, but not that much. Now I'm always performing or taking long walks with Joel, so of course I lost a lot. And when you’re in love, you eat a lot less. Joel only brings me good points.
I take one or the bright pink roses that is in a vase next to my bed (gift of Benji, he gave them to me yesterday so that I could spend the day with Joel only) and go back to the bathroom, put on deep red lipstick, some blush and mascara, put my hair up in whatever with 2 or 3 pins, and I cut the stem of the rose and put the flower in my hair, and as I look in the mirror all I see is beauty (which surprises me a lot, because I'm kinda low in the ego, but I can’t lie to myself, I'm pretty dressed this way) I run out of the bathroom, but on fishnets and studded mary-janes, and then look at the clock; 2 minutes remaining. I go to a pile of CDs and I grab a burnt one where I simply wrote Where The Circle Ends on. I don’t take the time to think, I don’t realize it’s going to alter my life forever.
I walk calmly and silently in the living room where Joel is standing, looking at his shoes . While he was waiting he pushed the table to the side of the room so there would be place for us to dance. He looks so adorable in his tuxedo with his hair just the way he knows I like (mid-spiked). The cloths of my dress rub against the floor and, in the silence, it’s noticeable, so he looks up at me and his mouths slightly opens. We don’t say anything for a minute, just taking in the sight of each other, but he finally breaks the silence, approaching me.
"You look stunning. I’m at a loss of words You are even more beautiful than you are normally, and I didn’t think it was possible…"
"Shut up, you silly", I say as I put an index on your perfect lips, glancing up to your eyes, "you perfectly know I hate it when you lie to me."
"I’m not lying, sweetheart, I'd never lie to you. You really are beautiful."
"Please don’t say that", I say, looking down to the floor, "I hate it."
"You shouldn’t…" you say, your lips millimeters from my ear, kissing my neck. "You really shouldn’t…"
"So," I say, pushing away and walking to the stereo, "did you ever slow-dance?"
"Yeah," you answer, "doesn’t anybody?"
"Yeah, but did you ever slow dance on.. this?"
Just as I finish saying that, the song Please, please, please, let me get what I want from The Smiths (your favorite band) starts flowing the room and I look up to your eyes who are burning in mine. You walk to me and delicately take my hand, asking only with your eyes for a dance and putting your strong arms around my petite frame. You start singing along.
The time’s for a change See, the luck I've had
Could make a good man Turn bad
So please please please Let me, let me, let me
Let me get what I want This time
Haven't had a dream in a long time
See, the life I've had Can make a good man bad
So for once in my life Let me get what I want
Lord knows, it would be the first time
Lord knows, it would be the first time
As the song ends, I place a longing kiss on your lips, and realizing what song is next on the CD, an enormous realization comes through me. It seems all my life is passing in front of my eyes. How foolish was I to think I was [good enough].
A tear bleeds from my eye, and as it hits the floor, I feel like it’s my heart really crashing down.
I start singing to you with all my will the lyrics that come so easily to my mouth, much to my displeasure, but knowing all along I have to.
When you were here before Couldn't look you in the eye
[Which is true, I really couldn’t look you in the eye]
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry [how I wish you knew sooner]
You float like a feather In a beautiful world
And I wish I was special You're so fucking special
But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.
I don't care if it hurts I want to have control
[as I say that, I grasp you tighter, and you smile]
I want a perfect body I want a perfect soul
[as I say that, my grip loosens]
I want you to notice When I'm not around
You're so fucking special I wish I was special
[but I'm not good enough for you]
But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.
I push away violently. I realized something. It hit me hard like a ton of bricks "I’m sorry Joel, but I just can’t stay with you."
The words escape my lips so fast that they sound like a blur in my brain. I grasp him, I kiss him hard with all I have for 2 seconds, my tears rolling on his cheeks, and whisper "I love you, goodbye", before he can even ménage to understand the situation.
And I run.
I planned all my life for one man, all along thinking about my little self’s happiness, but never thinking about his. First of all, Joel deserves better than me. He really does. Look at him; he’s perfect in every way. Second. It’s really screwed up but that’s true. If I based all my life in a dream, I got a band and a lot of responsibilities over it, and now that I have it, it seems I reached my life’s goal and I'm complete, but I am not. I don’t feel any motivation to continue to play music with my band. I don’t feel any motivation for anything, I don’t take care of my responsibilities. And I’m 20 years-old. And I’m in love, and if this falls, then so does everything. I don’t wanna end up like my mother, who gave her life up for one man, and then when she realized that he was an asshole (which Joel is not) and that she had nothing else around her than that, nothing to hold onto, no causes, no friends, no philosophy, because she planned all her life’s success on a relationship, not on what she did with her life, not on her job, not on her friends, not on her goal, but on a man, she understood her error.
I love Joel, I really do. More than anything, more than the causes I'm in, more than my colors, more than my friends, more than my music, more than myself… But I'm so far from being perfect. I don’t want him to realize that after years of me making vacuum around myself like my mother did for my father I'm so normal and boring and ugly and stupid and intricate and weird and I'm a bad person and I'm just not good enough how could I ever think I was just good enough to look up in his eyes and to touch his angel skin and to…
**Joel’s POV**
She left me here, speechless, her tears still wet on my cheek. I’m still standing here, trying to figure out what the hell just happened, man she looked serious this time. Sometimes, (she thinks I don’t notice, but I do, I know every single details about her) she walks out without saying anything, sometimes she has an hard time meeting my eyes, sometimes it lasts days, but the worry in her eyes always go. But this time, the worry was filled with despair, and I could see in her amber tear-filled eyes that this was a goodbye-forever kind of kiss. And I just don’t know how to react.
She's running out again, She's running out
She’s run run run running out...
Whatever makes you happy Whatever you want
So I'll just stay there, so I'll just break down, I should call Benj., he always knows what to do with girls problem.
But this time… this time… it fells like my soul has been ripped in two…
Because she... only she could make the rain go away.
**Annie’s P.O.V**
You're so very special I wish I was special...
(I love you, but I can’t love you freely,
I can’t touch you, but I can be longing
I can’t embrace you, but I can dream
I can’t change the way I feel, and can you move on
I can’t have you, but you are mine)
But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo,
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here. I don't belong here.
(Sweetheart, It’s raining outside. It’s raining for the remaining of forever.)