Between You And Me
Chapter 1
By: Sarah
I woke up in the middle of the night, my mind was practically bursting open. I had just been dreaming that…that Benji had sung “Just Like Heaven” to me at one of his shows and I had fallen for him again. I had forgotten all of the hurt that had building inside me and let it slide away. Let it all disappear when I saw him and saw how much he really did care about me…but…
Wait. I wasn’t dreaming. That actually happened. A smile slowly formed on my lips. It had happened. I wanted to start laughing and crying and screaming all at the same time, but it was four a.m. and I knew my roommates wouldn’t appreciate that. Plus, I didn’t think my vocal chords would actually work. I was freezing my ass off. I was shivering I was so cold. I wrapped my arms around myself and sat up in bed, wondering why it was so cold. I never let my room get this cold. Then I remembered. I wasn’t home. I was at Benji’s house. I glanced to my right and looked over at him while my teeth started to chatter. He was sleeping soundly, on his back. He had the covers up around his neck. I smiled, despite the fact that I was freezing.
“ Get some clothes on, Nic.” I grumbled to myself, remembering that I wasn’t exactly dressed. I slipped out of bed into the cold air and started hobbling around in the dark, looking for some sort of clothes I could slip onto my freezing, naked body. I walked over to his closet, trying to avoid stumbling over any piles of clothes. I managed to find a sweatshirt and I quickly slipped that on. I couldn’t help but smile. It smelled like him. I might have to steal this.
I closed his closet and started digging through his clothes, searching for my underwear. My teeth still wouldn’t stop chattering, and I was sure it was loud enough to wake him up. I stumbled over some shoes and I managed to nearly fall on my ass.
“ Ow!” I exclaimed quietly, covering my mouth, trying not to be loud. I didn’t want him to wake up and have him see me hopping around with only his sweatshirt on. I managed to find my underwear and slipped it on and then grabbed a pair of his sock, pulling them up as far as they would go around my ankles. There was no use trying to find any pants that would fit me. I didn’t know where any blankets were, so I just hopped back into bed and lay down, shivering. I lay still for a few minutes, trying to think of things that were hot. The sun, Red Hots, the Bahamas, Benji…. Benji! Why hadn’t I thought of him? I had my own personal heater. I turned over and looked at him. He was still sleeping soundly. I slid over slowly and wrapped my arm around his stomach, pressing my cold body against his. He was warm and I immediately felt better. Almost as if it were an instinct, even in his sleep, he wrapped his arms around me, pulling me closer. I smiled, thinking how cute that was. My body slowly started getting warmer, and I nuzzled closer to him.
“ What were you doing, hopping around my room naked?”
I laughed, shoving him away. Benji opened his eyes, smiling mischievously.
“ I would have said something, Nic, but I just couldn’t. You can’t believe how sexy you look with my socks pulled up to your knees.” He laughed. I glared at him, pouting and trying not to laugh.
“ It’s not MY fault you and Joel like to live like it’s the Antarctic!” I exclaimed, sitting up in bed. Benji laughed and shrugged.
“ Come back over here. I promise I can defrost you.” He smiled, looking up at me. I shook my head ‘No.’ “Oh, Nic, come on! I got the magic touchhh…” He said and started wiggling his fingers at me. I gave him a look of disgust even though I wanted to snuggle back next to him. I shook my head, rolling my eyes at him.
“ Stop being a dork. I just wanna sleep where it’s not negative twenty five degrees.” I sighed. He sat up for a second, just long enough to grab me and pull me down with him. He moved on top of me, holding himself up on his elbows. His warm body pressed hard against mine. I bit my lips slowly, finally letting myself smile.
“ Fine, next time, we can stay at your place.” He suggested. I smiled again.
“ No, we’d be way too loud. Jordan and Farah would kick us out.” He laughed and nodded.
“ No, you would be too loud.” He said. I groaned and smacked him lightly on the face.
“ Shush, you.” I said softly. He smiled warmly and then leaned down and kissed me softly on the lips.
“ It doesn’t matter to me, Nic.” He said in between kisses. It didn’t matter to me either, just as long as we were together.
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I woke up the next morning, with Benji’s arms and legs wound around me. I knew there was no way I could get up without waking him up—and I realized that I had to pee really badly. I lay still, despite my bladder, praying he’d wake up. It was only twelve and we’d been up half the night…catching up on lost time. I knew he wouldn’t wake for a while.
“ Benji…” I whined under my breath. He was pressed so close to me that I could feel every inch of his body. Outside, I realized it was raining, really heavily. I smiled, enjoying the feeling of Benji nuzzled so close. The rain though, wasn’t helping my bladder. It thundered so loudly outside that it jolted Benji awake. He pressed his face against my neck.
“ Nicky, I’m scared.” He snickered. I smiled as he hugged me closer and pressed his hands into my stomach.
“ Benj, don’t do that or I might pee on you.” I laughed, and he let go, unwrapping himself from around me.
“ I like waking up to you.” he said. I smiled, turning to face him. It was weird to think that only a year ago I was pretty much afraid to even tell him that I missed him. And now, here he was, telling me he liked waking up with me.
“ I’m not sure I liked waking up to you-you’re like a big octopus.” I said, smiling. Benji grinned and reached over, intertwining his fingers with my. It thundered loudly again and Benji whimpered like a little puppy. I leaned forward and kissed him lightly.
“ Hush, it’ll be ok.” He grabbed me around the waist, tickling me mercilessly. “ BENJI, NO!” I giggled and he stopped, just long enough for me to jump out of bed.
“ Did Mayg and Joel come back last night?” I asked, walking to the door.
“ Nah, I think they stayed at Mayg’s.” Benji sat up and I had to smile at his hair. “ I know you’re laughing at my hair, so stop.” He grumbled, though still smiling. I shrugged, trying hard not to laugh at the crazy hair sticking up all over the place. I walked out into the hall and went into the bathroom.
“ Nic?” Benji called.
“ What?” I called back.
“ Are we ok?” He said, his voice quiet. I frowned. I quickly washed my hands and opened the door. He was standing opposite the door, leaning against the wall. I leaned against the door jamb, staring at him.
“ What do you mean?” I asked, my heart beating a little faster. I hated confrontation. Benji shifted his weight, reaching up and rubbing his hands through his hair.
“ Are we…good.” He asked. I took a deep breath, staring into his dark eyes. I wasn’t sure how to respond.
“ Benj…”
“ I just…” He started. I swallowed. “ I know…what I did was shitty.” He said finally. I nodded, but didn’t say anything. “ I just want things to kinda…go back to normal. Do you think that could happen?” He asked. I wanted it to.
“ Yea, I think so.” I nodded, suddenly finding my hands completely fascinating. “Benji, I just don’t want to be another girl in your long list of—“
“ No, Nic, you’re…you’ll never be just another girl.” He said, taking a half step forward. He wasn’t sure whether to touch me or not. I looked up, catching his eye.
“ Are you sure? I feel…” I didn’t want to spill everything to him. It was too soon. I didn’t want to tell him that sometimes I felt completely…unqualified? I don’t know if that was the word to describe it…but I definitely felt like I lacked a lot of experience. I was an amateur trying to pass as an expert.
“ Feel what, Nic?” He asked. He reached forward and finally took my hands. I blinked.
“ I don’t know.” I said softly. There was some part of me that couldn’t let me give myself to him completely. I was holding back from him. I didn’t want to get hurt again. Not like that. For some reason, this Saves the Day song kept playing over and over in my head. Not so much the song, but more the lyrics. “Well I'm walking out, this is the last time, I feel like shit. (This isn't the way to treat old friends...) Let's go again. Set me up. Watch me stand on top of my old house. Watch me spinning and watch me seeing the melon sky. Oh, look it's so beautiful tonight. But I was feeling so sweet, I could barely breathe so deep. But you had to come along, you had to shatter everything. Why'd you even fuck her in the first place? Friends don't mean a thing when you can actually feel the knife sticking in your spine. For a second there I thought I was fine. But oh, whatever. I've tasted my own blood, and now every time you walk on by, I feel like spitting in your eye. This is not the way I pictured getting hurt.”
Sure, I still loved Benji. After last night, seeing him up there, singing for me…there was no way that I couldn’t. But I kept thinking about how easy it was for him to go sleep with some other girl, just because he was mad at me. Would it always be that way? We’d have a fight while he was on tour and he’d go and hook up with the first girl he came across? I didn’t want to have to go through that.
“ Nic…” Benji said. He pulled me close to him. “ We need to talk, don’t we?” He asked. I nodded, but didn’t say anything. I wasn’t sure if I could find my voice anyway.
Benji pulled me toward the family room and I sat down on that familiar couch. He sat down next to me. I crossed my legs, indian style, and turned to face him. I loved this couch. It was so big and comfy. I suddenly had a weird flashback to the day he’d come back from tour last year. We’d been fighting over who got to sit on the couch while we watched Star Wars. I smiled to myself.
“ Nic…” Benji said softly. I looked up at him. I wished he would stop saying my name like that. Like it would kill him if he had to stop.
“ I don’t know, Benj.” I said, shaking my head. He nodded, as if he understood my unspoken words. I took a deep, shaky breath. “ What was she like.” I asked. It wasn’t really a question, but more of a statement. I wanted him to understand.
“ Nic…” He repeated.
“ Stop saying my name.” I asked, pleading, my voice tense. Benji looked up at me, his face hiding all emotion.
“ Come on, don’t…” He said. We kept saying sentences and not finishing them.
“ What was she like, Benji.” I asked again. I felt like I was going to pass out, my head felt so light. Benji shook his head.
“ Nothing like you.” He said finally. I didn’t know whether that was the answer I wanted to hear or not. It could be taken either way and his face gave away nothing. He was mad at me for not dropping it. I couldn’t drop it though. It had been plaguing me since the day I found out.
“ I can’t do this right now.” I said quickly, standing up and walking back into the bathroom.
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I closed and locked the door behind me, focusing on the feeling of the cold, smooth tile under my bare feet. My head was spinning. Why had I even asked Benji about the girl? The Girl. She didn’t even have a name to me. All I was doing was torturing myself. What I really wanted to do was sit down with him and make him tell me everything. Every single thing that had happened that night and every single feeling that he had felt. That way I would never have to wonder. I would never wonder if he was secretly wishing I were someone else, or if I was prettier or skinnier, or would touch him differently. I had no idea where this sudden insecurity came from. Joel and Benji used to joke about all the girls they had hooked up with on tour (before Joel went out of with Maygen, of course) and it never made me think if I would be good enough. But now, now that I had Benji, I had started doubting myself. I didn’t want to get hurt.
I took a few, shaky breaths and walked over to the shower and turned it on. Maybe if I took a nice, hot shower I could clear my head and then go back out there and talk to him. Him. Benji, my best friend. My best friend that, lately, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to trust.
Groaning quietly, I yanked off the clothes that I had put on last night and stepped inside the shower. I had to admit, I loved their shower. It was huge. With big, frosted sliding glass doors and even this weird little place you could sit down. There were two showerheads too, but I only used one. My mind suddenly started wandering, wondering if Benji had ever had… STOP. I had to stop myself from thinking something horrible.
I stepped under the water, letting it rinse over me. I didn’t know if I could go back out there. Closing my eyes, I immersed myself in the spray. The pounding of the water against my skin was the only thing I could hear. It was like being in my own little world. I stayed like that for a few minutes until I felt cold air hit my body.
Quickly, I opened my eyes, pushing my wet hair back from my face. Benji stood outside the door, his eyes focused on mine. I blinked.
“ I thought I locked…” I started talking without thinking. Benji nodded.
“ The locks broken.” He said. I nodded and then realized I was standing naked in front of him and I suddenly felt extremely shy. I looked away, my arms moving up over my chest. He smiled softly. “ Don’t do that.” He said, his voice amused. I frowned.
“ What?” I asked. He reached forward, pulling my arms away from my chest. He didn’t look away from my eyes though. I felt my heart start racing and the steam in the shower was starting to make it hard for me to breathe. Benji let go of my hands and pulled his shirt off and then his boxers and stepped inside with me. I stood still, just watching him for a few seconds, not sure how to react.
“ Do you want me to tell you what happened that night, Nic?” He asked, stepping closer to me. I took a step back, bumping into the wall. I wanted to say ‘Yes’ but I wasn’t sure what he was going to say.
“ Yes, I do.” I said finally. He took another step closer, cornering me. He put his hands up on either side of my head and moved even closer so that our bodies were nearly touching. I licked my lips, slowly. I felt so nervous, feeling like I did my first time with him.
“ I couldn’t believe you wanted to be with Nate. All day I was so mad about it…and then that night…” He was talking softly and calmly. The water crashed down all around us and I felt my hands itch to touch him. “ That night I met this girls, her name was Shannon and—“
I cut him off. I didn’t want to hear it. It would be torture. I stood on my tiptoes and kissed him, hard. I wrapped my arms tightly around his neck, my fingers grasping his hair. I pressed my body against his and he wrapped his arms around me, holding me tightly.
“ I’m sorry, Nic. I never meant for it to happen. I only want you, I only want to be with you.” He whispered, hurriedly as I tried desperately to get closer to him. Our bodies were slippery as I moved my hands up and down him, kissing him passionately.
“ Benji, I didn’t mean to…” I said, but didn’t finish my sentence. His hands had wandered to my breasts, touching me. I gasped closing my eyes. Benji kissed my neck, nipping lightly at my skin. I cried out as he moved down my neck. He took one of my nipples in his mouth while the other he cupped with his hand. I gasped, pressing my hands into his back. He kissed all the way down my stomach and my hips and then back up to my neck. I pulled him up to me, holding his head between my hands. “ I want you.” I said, looking straight into his eyes. He smiled, knowing he had me. He leaned forward and kissed me lightly before moving in toward me. He reached down and pulled my leg up to his side, running his strong fingers back and forth on the tender skin behind my knee. He moved closer, never breaking eye contact. I was aching for him. He leaned forward though, and didn’t move into me. He was teasing me, running his hands up and down my body, driving me crazy. “ Benji…please…” I cried, grasping his arms. He pressed my leg closer to his side and moved in closer. I could feel him against me, so close. “ Oh god, we need a condom.” I said, my common sense kicking in for a few seconds, fighting its way through my lust. Benji’s eyes flickered.
“ Ah, shit.” He nodded. Neither of us wanted to get out. I suddenly didn’t care.
“ No, it’ll be ok. We’ll be ok, just pull out, ok?” I asked, reaching up and wrapping my arms around his neck, pulling his face close.
“ I don’t think I can do that.” He said and then gave me a gorgeous, slightly shameless smile. I smiled back and then pressed my hips toward his.
“ Fine, then don’t.” I said, almost in a mock challenge. He smiled and then leaned down kissing me deeply. As his lips pressed against mine he pushed inside of me, slowly at first. I gasped, wrapping my arms around him. Nothing had ever felt like that. Him actually inside me, touching me, no barriers.
“ Oh god, Nic.” He groaned softly, pressing his forehead against mine for a second. He gasped and moved faster. It felt a little awkward at first but then I started moving with him, letting him lead me and take me to where he was. I closed my eyes, letting my body take over. We slowly rocked faster, and he moved deeper inside of me. The water was hitting his back, dripping down onto me and in-between us. I couldn’t help but grasp his shoulders, letting him take me. I watched the muscles in his arms move as he held my leg up with one arm and he moved and rocked into me. I felt like I was losing myself.
“ Benji, yes…god, I love you.” I said, my words coming out choppy and uneven. He smiled and kissed me, but I broke the kiss short, gasping. I threw my head back against the cold tile wall and shut my eyes.
“ No, no, don’t close your eyes, Nic. Look me in the eyes.” I heard Benji say. I opened my eyes, and caught his. I started gasping, my eyes watering. “ Is this good?” He asked. I couldn’t answer. I could hardly keep my eyes open, but I also couldn’t tear my eyes from his. We were both so close. He moved me closer, and pulled my leg up slightly higher, moving against me. It was just enough and he sent me over the edge. I cried out, my fingers digging into his back. I didn’t break eye contact with him though and it was the most incredible, intense thing that had ever happened between us. I felt like he could see inside my soul. I had never ever felt so vulnerable with someone before. He was staring me in the eyes as I came and I felt like we had experienced something that absolutely no one could take from us. Benji gasped, his arms tightening around me. I pressed my lips to his jaw and then pulled back, making sure to stay with him. He groaned and came inside me, his eyes staying locked with mine. He fell forward, pressing his body against mine and slowly releasing my leg. I wrapped my arms around his waist and he buried his face in my shoulder. I could hardly breath. Nothing like that had ever, ever happened to us. The whole eye contact thing had been completely amazing. I had always shut my eyes in the times before, which had only disconnected me from him. But now, we had just shared everything completely.
We stood there, holding each other for what seemed like eternity, but really it was only about five minutes. Benji reached up, turning the shower off. He smiled at me, leaning down and kissing me.
“ You are so incredible.” He said to me before stepping out of the shower. I couldn’t help but smile. Coming from him, that was a great compliment. I followed him out of the shower and he wrapped a towel around me. My insides still felt all fuzzy and I was even shaking a little bit.
“ You ok?” He laughed. I nodded and smiled.
“ Yea…it’s just…nothing like that has ever happened to me.” I said and he smiled and pulled me close.
“ Me either.” He said softly into my ear. I couldn’t help but feel overwhelmingly happy. A first for both of us. Maybe we were on the same level again.