Between You And Me
Chapter 4
By: Sarah
I couldn’t go to sleep once we got back to the house. Benji was quiet the whole way back and neither of us seemed to want to talk about the fact that we’d only spent about five minutes on our ‘walk’. He’d stopped humming a long time ago.
Once we got inside, I slipped out of my clothes and climbed back into bed. The sheets felt cold against my skin and I longed for him to press his body against mine. I looked towards him for a second, but he had his eyes closed already. We had hardly talked, both of us in our own little worlds.
I couldn’t seem to get comfortable, but I ended up with my back to him, my face buried in the pillow. My whole chest felt heavy and I knew that it was going to be a horrible, long night. I didn’t want to cry, I knew it wouldn’t solve anything. It was hard though. My eyes were brimming with tears and all I could think about was what I had done wrong. Why he suddenly changed his mind… Or maybe he hadn’t. Maybe I was overreacting, maybe he wasn’t even planning on asking me. Either way, it hurt and I was suddenly having trouble breathing. I gasped for air, trying to get my lungs to start working again. I sat up, trying hard to take deep, ragged breaths. Benji sat up too and I felt him slip one arm around my shoulder and the other he placed on my stomach.
“ It’s ok.” He said as if he knew exactly what was wrong with me. I leaned against him even though he was the one causing all my problems. He hugged me to him and I fought back tears again. I didn’t want him to ask me questions. His embrace was both destroying me and healing me. He held me for a few more minutes until our mouths found each other. We started kissing and before I knew it we were making love. It was slow and steady and really intense, and almost…half hearted. Like we both didn’t really want it, but neither of us knew what else to do. He was softer and gentler than usual and neither of us said anything. We only stared into each other’s eyes, or avoided each other’s eyes completely. We could either completely bare our souls, or hide away every emotion that we were feeling. We weren’t sure what we wanted to do, we weren’t sure how much we could trust the other person with these feelings.
My mind started wandering and suddenly I was thinking about Shannon. I wondered if he ever pretended I was her. I looked up at him, his face close to mine. I wondered if he wished I were someone else. I wondered if he really did regret sleeping with her. I couldn’t help it, but half way through I started crying. Really crying. The tears wouldn’t stop falling down my face as silent sobs wracked my body. Benji kept asking me what was wrong and what he was doing wrong.
“ Nic, what’s going on? What am I doing?” He asked, searching for my eyes. He looked scared. I felt scared. I couldn’t answer him, so I only shook my head and told him to keep going. There were no fireworks that night. For either of us.
After we finished, I got up and took a shower. My tears wouldn’t even stop when I got to the shower and so I let them mix with the scalding hot water. I sobbed for twenty minutes. Something was horribly wrong with me and Benji could see that. And that was why he had decided he didn’t want me.
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I sat staring blankly at the kitchen table. It was nearly noon and I was still in my pajamas. Maygen sat across from me, I could feel her eyes on me, but I didn’t look up. Benji and Joel were out on the patio talking and I could faintly hear their voices.
“ What’s wrong?” Maygen asked finally. I picked up a grape from my plate and put it in my mouth. It was kind of sour and I frowned, shaking my head.
“ I don’t know.” I said softly. Maygen leaned forward, grabbing my hands from across the table. She held it up in front of my face.
“ Your hands have been shaking all morning.” She said. I glanced at my hand. I hadn’t even noticed. “ Did something happen with you and Benji?” She asked. I didn’t want to talk about it. I was already confused enough.
“ Yes.” I said after a minute. She sighed, rubbing her forehead.
“ You guys…are never happy.” She sighed. I shook my head, not sure what else to do. Picked up my coffee mug but by then, my hands were shaking so much I couldn’t hold it without spilling.
“ I was happy. But I don’t think the feeling is mutual.” I looked up at her. She frowned.
“ Why would you think that?” She asked. I bit my lip and then glanced at the clock. It was only 12:15. Jordan and Farah would be arriving sometime soon. My head started pounding at the thought of adding Farah into this already toxic mix.
“ Last night…” I said slowly. “ We took a walk on the beach. It was like…three a.m.” I said. Maygen nodded. “ He got down on his knee, Mayg. Like he was…going to…” I couldn’t say it. I couldn’t say the word.
“ Did he propose to you last night?!” She asked, excited. I shook my head, my eyes burning.
“ No. I thought he was going to. But…all the sudden he just…stood back up.” I looked at Maygen and she frowned.
“ So…he didn’t?”
“ No. And I know I shouldn’t be so upset, but Mayg…it was almost as if he was going to and then he saw something in me that he didn’t like. Something that made him stop and decide not to ask me. And then afterward…” I wasn’t sure if I could tell her that part. It was still vivid in my mind.
“ What happened, Nic?” She said gently. I grabbed a napkin and wiped my eyes.
“ It was just…so awful. Like we both knew that something bad had happened out there on the beach, but neither of us wanted to admit it. So instead we just started…having sex and then I just…started crying!” I said, slightly embarrassed. I put my face in my hands, wishing I hadn’t let my emotions get the best of me.
“ Oh, Nic…” She said, coming over and sitting next to me.
“ It was so horrible. Everything about it was horrible. Nothing like that has ever…it was like I was having sex with a complete stranger. And he kept asking what was wrong and I couldn’t answer…so I just kept crying.”
“ Nic, you need to talk to him, right now. Why didn’t you guys talk about this before? Why did you sleep together when you were hurting so much?” She asked. I shook my head.
“ What am I supposed to ask him, Mayg? ‘Why didn’t you propose to me last night?’ “ I asked, panicked.
“ Nic, you deserve to know what’s going to happen with your relationship. Something obviously happened last night and it’s just going to sit and rot if you guys don’t talk. That’s how Joel and me get through this, we talk constantly. He tells me everything.” Maygen explained.
“ Benji ISN’T Joel.” I groaned. “ If Benji were Joel, I would know what he was thinking and I would know how he felt. If Benji were Joel, I wouldn’t be confused all the time about if he still wanted me. If Benji were Joel I wouldn’t constantly be wondering if he was going to cheat on me again because Joel doesn’t do that—“
“ NIC! Stop!” Maygen said, catching me and pulling me into a hug. “ I’m sorry I didn’t mean it that way. You’re still caught up on Shannon?” She asked softly. I nodded, crying into her shoulder. She took a few deep breaths and pushed my hair back from my face. “ Benji loves you so much, Nic. He made a mistake, he won’t do that to you again. Benji knows that, Joel knows that, I know that…but you need to know that. You need to know that he doesn’t want to hurt you.” Maygen said. I nodded, pulling away. “Go talk to him.” She said. I nodded, wiping away my tears.
“ Ok, I will.” I nodded. “Thanks, Mayg.” I smiled. She smiled back and I felt a huge weight lift from the shoulders. I didn’t know what I’d do without a friend like her. I almost wanted to go talk to Joel, and ask him if Benji had said anything to him about last night.
I slowly started walking toward the patio, though my legs felt like lead. They had left the door half-open and I could hear their voices wafting in. They sounded serious and hushed and so I paused at the doorway, just out of their view.
“ I fucked up last night, so bad.” I heard Benji say. I hesitated, not sure if I should walk in or stay and listen.
“ Yea, what happened? You and Nic were like…ice cold this morning at breakfast.” Joel said. I cringed, knowing how true that was.
“ Last night… I was going to do it, Joel. I was really going to do it.” He said. I felt my heart start to quicken.
“ Really? What happened?” Joel asked, interested.
“ We were out there on the beach and I was down on my knee and…fuck.” Benji stopped. I thought he’d seen me, but he only shook his head and started rubbing his hands through his hair. “ I just…looked up at her and she looked so fucking scared, Joel. She looked like she had no idea who I was, she looked like she didn’t trust me one little bit.” He said. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I slowly let my breath out after realizing I had been holding it. “ How am I supposed to propose to Nic if she doesn’t trust me…she looked as if she hated me.” He said. Joel nodded and then shook his head.
“ Yea, but she doesn’t hate you.”
“ She hates me for the Shannon thing.”
“ Well…that’s true. But…what can you expect? And damn, Benj, telling her you wanted to go to Shannon’s wedding…how do you think that made her feel?” Joel asked. Benji groaned.
“ I don’t know. I thought she had forgiven me. I thought she trusted me.” He said.
“ She does, Benji. You know that you are her best friend, she trusts you with her fucking life. That’s why she gets so damn emotional around you. You guys can break each other in a fucking second…and so far, you’ve already proved that to her. I know it was a huge accident, you and Shannon, but…it still happened. I know you only want Nic… but… fuck, Benj, do you know how long she’s been in love with you? For a really long time… she’s not going to take your relationship lightly.” He said. Benji was quiet for a few minutes.
“ I don’t want to lose her.” He said, his voice hoarse. Joel nodded.
“ Well, it’s not like she knew you were going to propose last night anyway.” He said. Benji shook his head.
“ No, she did. I could tell. The worst part is…” Benji stopped. “ We got back to the house and we…I dunno…we were, you know… and she starts sobbing.” Joel’s eyes got big for a second and then he frowned.
“ What did you do?” He asked, his voice sounding worried. I bit my lip, hard.
“ I didn’t know what to do. We were right in the middle of this weird…I don’t know…we were just…and then she started crying and crying and… she wouldn’t tell me what was going on. It scared the living fuck out of me. Then she just got up and took a shower. You don’t know how much that killed me, damn it.” Benji’s voice cracked half way through the ‘damn it’. “ She’s never done that before.” He added.
“ Cried while you guys had sex? I should hope not.” Joel sighed.
“ Well, yea cried. And she’s never just like…ran out of bed two seconds after we were done and taken a shower. Like she felt dirty or something.”
“ You guys need to talk.” Joel groaned. I leaned up against the wall, feeling tears again. My mind couldn’t even grasp what had just been said.
“ OK, yea I’m going to go find her.” Benji said. I stood up, alarmed. He couldn’t find me eavesdropping on their conversation. I ran quietly back to our room and sat down on the bed, my heart racing. I had no idea what was going to happen.
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I stared in the mirror, not sure whether I was happy with what I saw or not. I picked up some chapstick and quickly smoothed it over my lips. My hands had stopped shaking, but now my whole body just felt cold. We’d only been here for two days and already I was afraid things were going horrible wrong. I glanced at the clock nervously. Farah and Jordan would be arriving anytime now. I didn’t want things to be tense when they got here, but I had a feeling it wasn’t going to be very welcoming.
I looked up as the bedroom door opened and Benji’s head poked inside. He gave me a half smile and then stepped all the way in.
“ Hey.” He nodded, standing awkwardly at the door. I walked over and sat on the bed, crossing my legs “Indian style”. He took a few steps toward me, but then hesitated. I licked my lips, and they tasted like imitations peach and wax from the chapstick. I quickly reached up and brushed away the gloss.
“ Hi.” I said after a second. I softly patted the bed next to me, beckoning him to come sit down. He nodded and walked over and sat gingerly on the edge of the bed. I couldn’t read his body language, but he kept avoiding my eyes. I bit my lip and waited for him to say something.
“ We need to talk…” He said, his voice quiet. He finally looked up at me and I got lost in his eyes. I felt like an ice cream cone on a sweltering hot day. He completely melted me.
“ Yes…we do.” I nodded, breathlessly. He reached over, his movement still hesitant. He touched my leg and then took my hand in his.
“ Last night.” He said it as if it were a statement. I looked at him from under my eyelashes, waiting for him to continue.
“ I’m not too sure what happened last night, but I know…I know that you were upset and…” He stuttered, his words coming out choppy and unsure. I took a deep breath, opened my mouth and then closed it again. If I said what I wanted to say, it had the potential to completely destroy us. Or me at least.
“ Benj…I need to know…” I took a deep breath, brushing my hair from my eyes. He nodded, pushing me forward. “ I need to know. Do you really love me? Or are we just…playing some kind of really messed up game here? Trying to trick each other into thinking things that aren’t true just because we want it so badly to be a certain way…” I said, my voice trembling. He was quiet for long enough that my heart started smashing against my chest. My throat suddenly felt like it was closing in on me. Benji…say something.
“ I love you, Nic.” His voice was quiet. I looked at him, noticing for the first time how red his eyes were. “ I don’t know how else I can tell you, or prove to you that I love you. I know I never say the right things or…do the right things…but god, Nic, you have to know by now how much I love you. You’re my everything.” He said, his voice hoarse. I bit my lip, not sure how to respond.
“ I’m sorry about last night. How…I overreacted.” I whispered. Hot tears starting falling down my cheeks.
“ I’m sorry I’m such a dick.” He said, with a tiny smile. He reached up and roughly wiped away the tear that was about to fall from his dark eyes. I leaned forward and gently stroked his face, his jaw, his hair, memorizing the ways his eyes looked and the way his skin felt.
“ You are my best friend, Benj.” I said with a smile. He laughed and nodded, shaking away his tears and pulling me into a hug.
“ You are my only friend.” He laughed. I laughed and punched him gently in the stomach.
“ Hush.” I smiled. I titled my head towards his and he leaned down and kissed me. The feeling of his lips against mine had never been so comforting. Just as I started to melt into his arms, a loud banging on the door startled us both.
“ BENJI! NIC! When you guys are finished…whatever…come say ‘Hi’ to Jordan and Farah.” Joel shouted. Benji groaned, shutting his eyes. I sighed and stood up, grabbing a pair of shorts off the floor.
“ Great…let the fun begin.” Benji said with a sarcastic smile. I sighed and grabbed his hand, pulling him out the door.