Full House: Brilliant Satire or Dogshit?
Family sitcoms ruled the TV roost in the '80s. Cable hadn't really started kicking the shit out of the Big Three during primetime, since half of the channels turned into Jesus channels after 8 p.m. People didn't know how much they wanted to watch sex, violence, cursing, and shows about JFK more than sappy "this show will make you a better person" bile. Actors (who are also real people, according to that time my buddy almost gave John Schneider a parking ticket) were forced to be ultra-cheesy and one-dimensional for the sake of helping raise the nation's youth to not be cynical or listen to heavy metal. But could it be that the producers of Full House pulled the wool over everyone's eyes and were actually poking fun of the bullshit world that the Full House cast lived in? Oooh, that's too much thinking right now... Let's just examine the cast members.
I
might as well start with Danny (Bob Saget):
Your first response would be to fucking hate this guy. You would be correct
if you didn't know that there are two Bob Sagets. The one that
sucks dick, and the one that sucks dick for coke. The one that
sucks dick is the wooden Full House and America's Funniest Home Videos Bob
Saget that the real Bob Saget is so good at portraying.
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, anal-retentiveness, and unfunny, wholesome
jokes are his trademarks. THE REAL BOB SAGET FUCKING KICKS ASS!!
The real Bob Saget started out as a filthy stand-up comedian with a razor
wit (no doubt developed by having a last name that rhymes with the word
'faggot'). Joke topics included cunts and heroin. The real Bob Saget
kept all of the cool 
videos
sent to AFHV that they couldn't show, like rabbits jizzing on stuffed
animals and drunk 16-year-olds breaking their necks trying to jump over
stolen cafeteria tables on their Banshees. The real Bob Saget directed Half
Baked and made a cameo where he said, "I sucked dick for coke!
Have you ever sucked dick for weed? I didn't think so!", which made a
whole generation of kids who don't know the real Bob Saget run around the
room screaming, "Holy shiiiiiiiiiiit! Nooooooo!" Rock on, Bob
Saget.
Danny Tanner and Venom's Cronos: Separated at birth?
Uncle (excuse me, "Unca")
Jesse (John Stamos): Such a rebel. Had long hair, was in a band, rode a
motorcycle, and made the occasional sarcastic joke. Sounds like a really
cool guy at first, in fact, he sounds like me. But there's a problem: this
rebel doesn't drink, he rides his bike like a pussy, and his band plays
Beach Boys songs. Poseur! Also, didn't the producers know that THE NAME
UNCLE JESSE WAS ALREADY FUCKING TAKEN? Stamos was able to use his
experience on Full House to be in that one movie (you know, the cool one)
and a cookie-cutter syndicated mid-'90s action show. He also managed to
scam that hot wife. An interview on Howard Stern proved that he's not that
bad of a guy.
D.J. (Candace Cameron):
What do you do if you're on a popular TV show, but you can't escape the
shadow of your much more famous older brother? You have what every '80s
female TV star has: A highly publicized struggle with your weight! See, fat
people aren't allowed on television, unless they are men over the age of
40. I can remember being 10 years old and wanting this chick. I also
wanted a pink-and-light-blue 
Hutch
freestyle bike with white mags. I didn't get either. Bitterness now!
Skinny Not
Michelle
(Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen): Well, we all know what happened with these
two. They've sold about a trillion home videos, boatloads of CDs and are
worth a combined 50 million dollars. Woo hoo. In only a couple of years,
guys will start putting them in the 'extremely fuckable' category, which disturbs
me very much.
Rebecca
(Lori Laughlin): Hot and sexy! The most important thing about her is that
she was in the movie Rad!, making her by far the
second-most-important person that was on this show. Since Rad! is
the ultimate movie, and she was so rad-looking on Full House, I'm going to
declare her The Raddest Chick Ever and give her the key to Radville. Congratulations!
Oh, damn
Joey
(Dave Coulier): Jokes... too wholesome... piss me off... cut it out... not
funny... you can't just talk like Popeye all the time... gets old...
that's why you lost on Star Search... Ed McMahon's a drunk... now that's
funny... people do
have butts, you know... that's where you defecate... butts
are also funny... but not wholesome.
Stephanie
(Jodie Sweetin): At a young age, she didn't really enunciate (for those of
you who value common sense over book learnin', that means she "cain't talk no
good"), making for a high "Awww Factor". Awww Factor is when a
child says stupid shit and the canned laughter guy presses the awww button
instead of the haha button. People at home also go, "Awww!"
because in this culture people have decided that it is cute instead of
saying "Children are so fucking stupid", like we should.
Eventually the character ended up battling middle-childitis and just
hanging out.
Kimmy (Andrea Barber): Kimmy battled insanity, which gave the show a harder edge. At least for Full House.
Nick
and Alex: These kids shouldn't even be in here since they weren't on the
show in the '80s. I have included them anyway because they suck. First of
all, check out their real names: Dylan and Blake Tuomy-Wilhoit. Look
at that yuppie garbage! Fucking Dylan and Blake Tuomy-Wilhoit! Do
yuppie parents not understand the ramifications of their childrens' names?
Normal parents don't call
their children Dick, Rod, Adolf or Merlin anymore because of ridicule. Of
course, Dylan and Blake's names just blend in at school nowadays, but the
real problems are going to come in adulthood. "Where's your SUV,
Tuomy-Wilhoit?" "Your cell phone's broken, Blake? How the fuck
you gonna call ahead for those Billy Joel tickets?" "Still get
scared when you ride an elevator with a black person, Dylan?",
the people who have been to public school or lived further than two
miles from an outerbelt will say. They even have yuppie-kid mop hair.
These runts were brought in to bring back the "Awww Factor" when
Stephanie and Michelle got too old. Boooo!
So, did Miller-Boyett intentionally create a fake world of creamy goodness to make fun of early sitcoms like Donna Reed, Dennis the Menace, Family Affair, and Leave it to Beaver? No, I don't think so. They lived and died by this shit, just like I live, breathe and eat metal. Just look at some of their other shows: Step by Step, that one show with the nerdy kid from Step by Step, and Family Matters. Family Matters Sidebar:
(Does not have anything to do with grilled cheese. Sorry)
Bender sez: "Nobody really calls it Family Matters, dumbass. People
just call it Urkel. Urkel was
a pretty funny show, but it went on too long. By the time Urkel moved to
CBS for it's last season, Urkel was like 25. Plus, Ritchie looked like
Lionel Ritchie. Isn't that weird?"
From
:
"Carl, sorry about blowing up your house while trying to make a Pinewood Derby car."
To:
"Dammit! Why can't my third wife be like Laura?"
And now, the final verdict on Full House:
Do the Urkel Dance back to the main page