Eternal Hoedown Wedding in the Snow-Capped Country of Tahiti
By Heather, Molle, and Nancy
See what happens when Brad, Drew, Wayne, Colin, Ryan, and Greg are forced to obey Molle, Heather, and Nancy in this freakishly adorable parody story. Also, find out why Colin hates cheese, and why a list of ‘fat momma jokes’ around midnight is not good to have while writing a fic!
(SCENE: Ryan, Colin, Greg, and Wayne are waiting in a white room for Drew and Heather)
Ryan: Bored. Bored. Bored.
Greg: Quit your bitchin’
Ryan: (rising) Bored. Bored. Bored.
Greg: (walking towards Ryan) Shut up, ‘fore I make you
Colin: Guys.
Ryan: I’m SO scared, four-eyes
Greg: (making a fist) Is that the best you could think of, LEWIS?
Colin: (annoyed) Guys!
Ryan: (in a stance) Well, at least I have two shows!
Greg: (about to hit Ryan) All right, face or stomach
Colin: (stepping in between Ryan and Greg) GUYS! Both of you, act like ADULTS!
(Greg and Ryan mutter obscenities and apologies to each other while scurrying back to their seats)
Colin: That’s better
Wayne: Is it hot in here, or is it just me?
Greg: Do you REALLY want an answer to that?
Ryan: Stop being so bitchy, Greg. Actually Wayne, it is kinda hot. I wish we were someplace cooler.
(Ryan, Colin, Greg, and Wane are transported to the summit of Mt. Everest)
Greg: J-just had-d to open your b-big m-mouth, didn’t-t you?
Ryan: S-shut up-p (shouting to the sky) I said COOLER, n-not COLDER!
Colin: Or more f-freezing.
(Drew appears wearing shorts, and a short sleeved Hawaiian shirt)
Wayne: D-drew, why are you d-dressed like that-t?
Drew: B-because s-she (points nowhere) told m-me that we w-were going to be in T-tahiti!
Colin: I t-told you not to t-trust her!
Greg: Yet-t you did last t-time. (rubs his hands together fiercely) Be of some use, flag down a plane or something!
Colin: At this altitude!?
(Brad appears wearing appropriate Eskimo fashions)
Brad: I’ve done it! I’m the first handsome improviser to climb Mt. Everest!
(Brad turns into a frog)
Brad: *ribbit* There goes my title
Greg: Me thinks we’re having frog legs tonight
Brad: But I’m not dead!
Greg: Not a problem, do you know how cold it is?
(Light comes out of nowhere and bounces of Colin’s head)
Colin: Hey! It works! (positions his head)
Wayne: Look!
(A plane flies over head, someone throws down a ladder. Greg, Ryan, Colin, Wayne, carrying Brad, and Drew, climbs into the plane)
Ryan: WHOEVER you are, thankyou!
(The plane goes on auto-pilot and the pilot steps out of the cockpit)
Heather: Well, the only way to see you, Ry!
(Guys scream, Brad ribbits)
Heather: Well, I can make Brad like me (waves her hands)
(Brad turns back into a person)
Brad: Thankyou! (hugs Heather)
Drew: Whatever, I’m leaving. Too risky.
Heather: I’M the author, and you’ll do as I say!
Drew: (puts a parachute on his back) Don’t think so. I’m jumping, who’s coming with me?
(Drew, Greg, Ryan, Colin, Wayne, and Brad jump out of the plane and land in Tahiti)
Girl: Welcome, to Tahiti. (dances provocatively)
Drew: (praying) Thank God I’m single! (lounges in a beach chair)
(The others do the same)
Greg: (eyeing a girl) Well…. Jen won’t mind…
(A very highly pissed-off Jennifer walks on “stage” and brutally kicks Greg’s head in)
Greg: Ouch. (faints)
Heather: GREG!
(Heather skids in the sand, next to Greg)
Ryan: Sure, HE gets all the attention
Heather: Don’t worry, the power of pen against sword, or highly pissed-off jealous wives. (heals Greg)
Greg: Thanks… hey! (looks at his hand)
Heather: Looking for your wedding ring? Oh… it’s not there
Greg: Oh, dear lord, please don’t happen what I thinks going to happen…
Ryan: (looking at his hand) Oh no (Colin does the same)
Heather: Ryan, Colin, please meet your new…. Friends, Molle and Nancy
(Molle and Nancy walk on “stage”)
Ryan: Nonononononnonononononononononononono
Heather: We’re the authors….
Nancy: …..and you’ll do…
Molle: … as we say!
Drew: Well, have fun guys! I’m… going to make myself familiar with this girl (gestures towards her) See ya
Greg: (half whining) How come he can date who he wants!?
Jennifer: (taps Greg) I’d like you to meet Johito, he’s my new found friend. Bye.
(Jennifer leaves)
Greg: What the hell was that!? (to Heather) You are going to get such a… (gets on one knee and looks panicked)
Nancy: Come on Greg…
Ryan: What the h… (does the same as Greg)
Molle: Ryan! Atta boy!
Colin: Ryan, Greg? Please tell me what the f… (does the same as Ryan)
Heather: Don’t resist, Colin, you know you want to. Greg, you’re going to give me such a… what?
(Nancy leans over and whispers in Heather’s ear)
Heather: I know… I know…
Molle: Colin…
Nancy: Ryan…
Ryan and Colin: Oh… don’t make me….please?
(Nancy and Molle shake their heads)
Ryan: No way out of this, is there?
Nancy: Nope
Molle: (tapping Nancy) Can we move this along…..?
Nancy: Don’t rush me!
(Ryan and Nancy disappear and reappear on a Caribbean island)
Ryan: Uhh.. what are we doing here?
Nancy: (grabbing his arm) Why, we're on a vacation on a Caribbean island of course!
Ryan: Riiight
Nancy: (starts snuggling up to Ryan)
Ryan: (jumps) What do you think you’re doing!? I’m married!
Nancy: I know!
Ryan: You’re insa… (fights for mind control) so… so….
Nancy: (puts hand on Ryan’s’ forehead) Are you sure you’re feeling ok? You’re a little pale
Ryan: I…..I….
Nancy: (smiling evilly) Don’t you remember anything?
Ryan: Remember what? (memory catches up with him) Ohh..
Nancy: Damn
(Scene fades to black, opens up at a cottage in Georgian Bay. The sun sparkles brightly on the water, which ripples slightly in the breeze. Nancy and Ryan are lying in the sun, soaking up the rays)
Ryan: (over sweetly) Nancy, sweetie, baby, honey, may I please go home now?
(Ryan looks at his hands then back at Nancy)
Ryan: You know Nancy, I've really grown fond of you. Maybe it' because of the constant isolation with you...Or maybe because I'm falling in love with you...(Takes Nancy's hand and moves closer)
Nancy: Oh Ryan, are you...do you love me? ( moves closer to Ryan, their faces are inches apart)
(Ryan looks into Nancy’s eyes, for what seems like an eternity)
Ryan: NO!! (Jumps up and runs to the dock, dives into the water and starts to swim away)
Nancy: (mutters some words not fit to print)
Nancy: Damn you Ryan! Get back here this instant and finish what you've started
Heather: (voice) Don’t worry he’ll be back!
(Ryan, much to his dismay, starts to swim back towards the island)
Heather: (voice) See?
Molle: (voice) Hurry this up! Colin’s actually GROWING hair, he’s so nervous!
(Very soon, Ryan finds himself sitting next to Nancy again, right back where he started. He feels a sudden, relaxing change come over him...he looks towards Nancy, who turns her head expectantly towards him)
Ryan: Nancy.. (moves head closer and takes Nancy’s hand) Nancy, I've loved you ever since I laid my eyes on you..would you..could you..(becomes slightly embarrassed)
Nancy: Oh Ryan! Yes I will! (Hugs Ryan who kisses her deeply)
(Nancy and Ryan disappear from that island an reaper on the same island as the others)
Heather: (off “stage”) Help!
(Nancy and Molle rush over)
Heather: (keeping ABC execs at bay with a whip) BACK EVIL DEMONS FROM THE MOUTH OF HELL!
(Greg walks over to them and curses them out)
Heather: Thankyou, Greg. They weren’t too happy about yours and Ryan’s “scene” on the island
Nancy: Well tell them they can go to *beep* and *beep* their mothers *beep* for all I *beep*ing care! Oh no! They’ve unleashed their censors upon us!
Colin: (looking at Ryan) You didn’t (Ryan shrugs)
Drew: (with girl in drag) You’re the authors… do something!
Molle: There’s only ONE way to do it
Heather: And even Greg can’t swear that much
Nancy: It’s worth a try…
Greg: (on his knees) God bless mummy, and daddy..
Drew: (smacks Greg upside the head) Get up you *bleep*-ing *bleep bleep*
Greg: (rubbing his head) Thanks…
(Ryan, Colin, Drew, and Greg start an all-out swearing war. NOT for virgin ears!)
Molle: They sure can swear… but this?
Nancy: Look!
(The ABC execs and censors crawl back to their Hell holes that we know as offices)
Heather: It seems the all out swearing war has angered the volcano gods of the Caribbean!
Colin: Is that where we are? I'd forgotten!
Drew: Damn ABC execs! They're more powerful than we thought!
(A big volcano rises from the earth, groaning and spitting ash)
Colin, Drew, Nancy, Ryan, Greg, Molle, Heather, Brad, and Wayne: (all together) AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
Brad: What do we do?
Nancy: RUN!
Greg: Run WHERE?
Brad: You're the authors, DO SOMETHING!
Ryan: Colin, your pants!
Colin: You promised to never bring that up again!
Ryan: (pulls on a cord hanging out of Colin's pants. They inflate)
Greg: You've put on some weight recently Col...
Colin: Oh, shut up!
Heather: Dog pile on Colin!
(Everybody hops on Colin, pushing him out to sea and away from the volcano.)
Brad: So now what?
Colin: Blub blub blub...
Molle: (lifts Colin's head out of the water) Breathe, raft boy.
Colin: You guys are so dead when my pants deflate!
Molle: (drops Colin's head back in the ocean) Geez, what a grouch.
(They float and float and float. Everyone gets sunburned and cranky.)
Drew: Quit hogging the leg room, ocelot boy.
Greg: Beg pardon, Cleveland rocks?
(Drew slugs Greg.)
Greg: (rubbing cheek) Oh, just because you've had LASIK surgery you're the big man?
(Shoving match ensues.)
Heather, Nancy, Molle, Ryan, Wayne, Brad: (all together again) WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP!
(Greg offers Drew a conciliatory mango.)
Drew: Thanks...hey, where'd you get this!
Greg: A seagull dropped it on me a little while ago. I'd been saving it.
Ryan: Seagull? Then he must have gotten it from...
(They see an island in the distance.)
Everybody: OVER THERE!
Ryan: Everybody paddle Colin!
Greg: Is it his birthday again?
Colin: (raising head from the water) I HEARD THAT!
(Everyone steers Colin to the island shore.)
(All collapse on the sand, gasping and heaving.)
Colin: Oh, great. My head's gotten all prune from being in the water.
Molle: You know what helps with that?
Colin: What?
Molle: Cheddar cheese. And there's a big cheese mine right over there.
Greg: What kind of insane parallel universe are we living in???
Molle: Shut up, character boy.
Heather: Hey!
Greg: (grumbles)
(Everyone looks at Heather, waiting for her to go on.)
Heather: What!? (sniffles) I’ve got nothing to come back with…
Molle: (taps nose) Well, let's go iron out your head, Colin.
Everybody: CAN WE COME TOO?
Molle & Colin: NO!
(Everyone else pouts)
(At the cheese mine) Colin: So what do we do now?
Nancy: (voice) Don't get too *steamy* we don't want the ABC gods angry again!
Molle: Eat some cheese and the lactose will fill out the wrinkles in your head.
Colin: It's very odd to constantly be hearing voice-overs.
Molle: Eat your cheese.
(Back with the others)
Greg: Where the hell did a cheese mine come from?
Ryan: Don't even ask...
Wayne: (looking through a book) Hey.... isn't that cheese over the MAGICAL?
(Cheese and more cheese) Colin: I'm feeling slightly odd....
Brad: (smacks Wayne upside the head) No, idiot, it just makes two people fall in love!
Colin: (eyes glaze over, jaw drops) Uhh...
Nancy: Uhoh.....
Molle: Got something to say, perhaps?
(The group runs in a frenzy and trips over each other, landing with their faces in the sand)
Colin: (grabs what's left of his hair) Evil cheese temptress!
Molle: I know, but isn't it fun?
Colin: Canada...must think of Canada...
Molle: Forget Canada! Here NOBODY is named Doug!
(Colin gasps)
Colin: Will...strong...body...weak...
Colin: (falls face down in the sand)
Molle: I'm waiting.
Colin: Never!
Molle: You don't want to make me mad.... Colin-poo
Molle: Oh, look...Parmesan cheese...
Colin: NOOOOO!
Molle: (Sprinkles parmesan on Colin)
Colin: (looks up, in his normal voice) So, you want to get married?
Molle: Sure, why not
(Colin and Molle appear back with the others)
Greg: (face flat in the sand) Help....?
Molle: So, who's a registered Anglican minister?
(Brad raises his hand)
Colin: You've got sand in your nose, Greg.
Brad: when I was a woman.......
Heather: Oh no, storytime! RUN!
Molle: Yeah, it's very interesting, Brad.
(Everyone but Brad runs away)
Brad:..... the pantyhose was caught in the.... guys? Guys? WHERE DID EVERYONE GO!?
Greg: (panting) if I have to hear one more story about when Brad was a woman...
Nancy: You'll what?
Greg: (frowns) Don't know. I never got this far before.
Heather: I know what you could do....
(A tiny Brad appears and starts telling the story)
Greg: (screams) Anything!
(Everyone leans in to listen)
Heather: follow me!
(She drags Greg to the other side of the beach)
Wayne: WHAT ABOUT US!?
(everyone runs after Heather)
Molle: Well, you have got feet.
Heather: (From other side of the island) Oh, no, just me an Greg!
Nancy: (To Molle) Bet you 20 bucks that they use at least two different languages
Molle: (To Nancy) Nah, I say at least four. It’s a bet.
Wayne: EVERYBODY HIDE!
Drew: How do we get from the story?!
Heather: You're on your own!
(Everyone climbs into trees and pretends to be birds.)
Ryan: Caw. Caw. Caw.
(Drew pecks at Nancy)
Greg: There aren't any crows in the Caribbean, Ryan!
Ryan: Ooops. Sorry.
(Nancy shoves Drew out of the tree)
Ryan: (Starts cawing in a Jamaican accent.)
(You can hear Greg slap his forehead from the other side of the beach)
(Greg and Heather walk until they reach a small oasis surrounded by palm trees)
Greg: Wow….this is (hits his head on a low branch) very painful!
Heather: Here….. sit down (Greg does so)
(Heather tears a piece of her shirt off and soaks it in the water)
Heather: (OOC) It’s a big shirt!
(She hands the cloth to Greg, who puts it on his eye, which is turning an unusual shade of plum)
Greg: That’s going to leave a nasty bruise
(Ryan still caws very loudly)
Heather: (laughing) ¡Ryan haber poco pinta! ¿E para? (motions towards Greg) ¡Grande pinta!
Greg: (laughing, oblivious) No no no. Muy grande pinta!
Heather: (blushes) ¿Te habla espanol?
Greg: Sí, bonito senorita. Desde suyo cada único…. (gets on one knee) ¿Agrado te casar yo?
Heather: ¡Sí, o, Greg, sí! Ajustado espera hasta las otross oir.
(Greg and Heather start walking towards the others, where they have fallen asleep due to mini-Brad’s story)
Heather: hinagata-Brad!
Greg: (looking oddly at Heather as Mini-Brad disappears) What did you just say?
Heather: Japanese can be a very powerful thing (evil grin)
Greg: Whatever
Ryan: (turns over and groans) No more pinching, Col!
Greg: Ok, should we wake them up now?
Heather: (kneeling by Ryan) Wait…. I think Colin is gay!
(Greg yanks Heather off the ground)
Heather: Awwwwwwww! Fine… (dumps sea water on Ryan)
Ryan: (splutters) What the hell!?
Heather: Wake up! You were about to tell about Col, Ry
Ryan: (taps Nancy) Come on..
(Nancy doesn’t move, so Ryan leans closer to her and gives a kiss)
Nancy: Wow….. what a wake up call (shakes Molle)
Molle: (turns over and ends up on top of Colin) Five more minutes, Mom!
Colin: (wakes up with a start) Molle?! Come on… we’re not even on our Honeymoon!
Molle: (jumps) Sorry…. I rolled over….
Colin: Riight (pinches Wayne)
Wayne: Ow! Colin, what the hell?
Colin: Wake up Drew!
Wayne: No respect nhuk nhuk… (hits Drew who doesn’t move)
Greg: Looks like it’s time for the master….
Brad: What are you going to do, french him?
Greg: No (cracks his knuckles) I’m going to do this…
(Greg hits Brad, who falls on Drew and lands in a rather… disturbing position)
Drew: (sees Brad on top of him) Brad! You’re not a woman ANYMORE, so get the *bleep* off before I *bleeing*ing *bleep*!
Molle: (digging a 20 out of her pocket) Damn you, Nancy
Heather: (giggles) Poco Pinta, Bradley, dear
Brad: Ha ha, funny. Why don’t you play Hide-and-go *bleep* yourself!
Heather: I’m so hurt. You’re so stupid, monkey-boy that you’d get run over by a parked car!
Brad: Well at least my mom ain’t so hairy that Bigfoot is taking pictures of HER!
Heather: Yea, yours is so hairy that she’s got afros on her nipples!
Brad: Tell me how you know, Ms. Ho
Heather: Only from the photos you took ‘o her and called ‘em holiday snapshots
Greg: Ok, guys, just stop
Brad: Well, your mom’s so fat…
(Heather KO’s Brad)
Heather: (to Greg) You told me to stop!
Greg: True
Nancy: Well, at least everyone’s up….. now it’s time for our favourite (tee hee) game of all….
Molle: ….this is for everyone..
Heather: …and it’s called…..
Molle, Nancy, and Heather: HOEDOWN!!!
(Guys scream)
Molle: But, it’s in the style of a wedding
(A priest appears)
Nancy: Father Spell, will you please, in a not so traditional fashion, marry us?
Father Spell: Why, of course, my child.
(Hoedown music begins)
Greg: (mumbling) Why do I always have to be first?
Oh, I am getting married, it’s the best day of my life
Cuz I’m really into the girl who’ll be my wife,
And then on the honeymoon, we will be in luck
Cuz it just gives me an excuse to ....snuggle. (goes and hugs Heather)
Colin: I love getting married, I really really do,
I really, really, really, really, really, really do!
I am feeling nervous... [faints]
(Molle sits next to him in hope that he will get up)
Ryan: Today is my wedding, I’m feeling really good,
I think that’s the way....I should.
I don’t think it’s bad, it’s not even scary,
I’m just glad my wife’s not Drew Carey!
(Nancy wraps her arms around Ryan’s waist
All: Not Drew Carey!
Father Spell: You may now kiss the brides….
(Ryan, Nancy Greg, Heather and Colin and Molle kiss as the sun sets)
Brad: (weeping) I always cry at weddings…..
THE END