Shinobi

Ahh, ninjas. The lifeblood of 1980s American action movies. I, like most little boys who knew about them back then, loved them. They were like Bruce Lee, but darker. They dressed up in black pajamas, moved like the wind and fought their enemies with magical precision. They could appear and disappear at a moment's notice. But the best thing of all about ninjas: their weapons.
Ninjas had an array of cool weapons that they could use to acheve their objective, if they chose not to kung-fu you. Their favorite weapons were the katana(sword), nunchaku(read: nun-chucks), sai swords, the bo staff, a blowgun with darts and shuriken(read: "ninja stars"). They also had other nasty tricks, but it was mainly ninja stars and swords. The generlization of ninjas as hired mercenaries and assassins during the 1980s led to the misconception of ninjas as being so much cannon fodder. Most ninjas, whatever their allegiance, will tell you different. Thus, I bring you to the review of a SEXY remake of the game that brought ninjas to America: Shinobi.

Shinobi is basically about some not-so-sexy Ninja-man who is after a bad guy named Zeed. Zeed's got a lot of thugs for the Ninja-man, so our protagonist must be extra-ready. Ninja-man's got a sword, some magic and LOTS OF NINJA STARS. Zeed's got bosses for Ninja-man to fight, so our man's gotta stick-and-move. Quick like the wind, you beat Zeed, and all is OK. The end? Nope. I wouldn't be talking about the newest Shinobi game if it was. The new Shinobi game focuses on the chaotic world of our hero, Hotsuma the SEXY Ninja-man. He's gotta fight some enemies--and a possessed brother--with a possesed sword to save the world from the unholy union of science and Japanese dark magic.

Ok, I want to make something very clear. I am male, just like Hotsuma. I have used the word SEXY to describe him and the game, and will continue to do so. This is not an indication that I am gay, will be gay, or wish to be gay. The only thing this means is that HOTSUMA IS SEXY AS HELL. He doesn't flaunt how sexy he is; he just does it. How SEXY is our Ninja-man? Well…

• The opening sequence has our Ninja-man jumping from an exploding helicopter into a freefall to the city street. Hotsuma'll have none of this--HE JAMS HIS SWORD INTO THE NEAREST BUILDING AND SLIDES DOWN THE LENGTH OF IT TO SAFETY!!! WHAT THE--sooooooo SEXY!
• The aforementioned helicopter gets possessed and becomes a demonic helicopter, carrying possessed missiles. When the showdown bewteen Hotsuma and his brother ends, the demon-copter shows up and tries to shoot our Ninja-man down with a missile. HOTSUMA JUMPS OVER THE MISSILE TO ESCAPE IT--AND SUCCEEDS!!! WHAT THE--soooooo SEXY!
• That damned helicopter becomes a real nusiance when you, your fellow Ninja-lady friend and your Ninja master are pinned down. Your Ninja master is hurt and you'll not leave him. The demon-copter fires another evil missile. Hotsuma stands his ground, holding his sword in front of him. The missile opens its maw to bite AND IS SPLIT IN TWO BY HOTSUMA'S SWORD AS IS ATTEMPTS TO STRIKE, WITH BOTH ENDS EXPLODING IN THE DISTANCE!!! WHAT THE--sooooo SEXY!

Above: Oh. A ninja dance troupe. How GAY.

This is all within the first stage. Yep, the FIRST stage.

What also makes Hotsuma more SEXY is his Ninja-man scarf. It's a crimson ribbon of pure sexiness. If that wasn't enough, it also expands the distance that you run, curving around corners and up walls(oh yeah, you can run on walls). You can also do this spectral dash through enemies to attack them from the back, leaving behind a shadow of yourself. The big thing about this game is the Tate feature. The Tate feature allows you to get a cut sequence when you kill a whole bunch of enemies at once. Once all the enemies in a particular area are killed, the camera goes into a letterbox format and shows Hotsuma posing and enemies dying. You'll get a bonus and it looks HELLA SEXY, to match how SEXY our Ninja-man is. I also get a big kick when trying to reach the secret areas, because they challenge you to try new moves that you never would try doing. All you have to lose are lives, because each Act is separated into 3 or 4 parts which allow you to continueif you die. If you die, you've got infinite continues, so there's no excuse for saying this game sucks. This game is soooooo SEXY, it has to get a good rating!! But…I've only played so much of it, that I really can't make a conclusive grade as of now. So, for the time being, I'll give this game a rating of 7 pending further investigation.

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