Movie Poster from the Internet Movie Database The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring Directed by Peter Jackson Starring: Sean Astin as Samwise Gamgee Sean Bean as Boromir Orlando Bloom as Legolas Greenleaf Cate Blanchett as Galadriel Billy Boyd as Pippin Ian Holm as Bilbo Baggins Christopher Lee as Saruman the White Sir Ian McKellen as Gandalf the Grey Dominic Monaghan as Merry Viggo Mortensen as Aragorn John Rhys-Davies as Gimli Liv Tyler as Arwen Hugo Weaving as King Elrond -and- Elijah Wood as Frodo Baggins

It's been a while since I saw The Lord of the Rings: the Fellowship of the Ring. I remember a lot, but not enough to give a decent account. But I gotta fill this up with something & I also wanna cover these movies, so here goes:

First things first: I HAVE NOT READ �THE LORD OF THE RINGS.� There. With that said, let�s move on�

What? You wanna know why I feel I should write this review when I haven�t even read the book? Hm. Easy answer: �cuz I can & some people like going to movies made from books so�s they can visualize the book or use it as a substitute for not reading. I fall into the category of the latter. Got it? Done.

And we�re off:
The intro itself is fucking awesome in its job to set up the movie. Talks about the 19 rings forged by Sauron (not the pterodactyl man from X-Men; pronounced SOUR-on not SOAR-on but who cares) and given to the beings of Middle Earth (called �Midgard� from here on) and the 20th ring he made for himself to control the other 19. Hell, the intro alone could�ve surpassed the movie in my opinion. came out looking extra D-Bo* and proved he ain�t just looks by knocking 10 guys away at once. So awesome. A reflection of human nature at the hands of Isildur (fucking ass) makes for a good discussion about how humans suck.

Moving on to present day, the story takes us to MunchkinLand, home of the little people obviously modeled on stereotypical ideas of the Irish. The resident ice cream man/wizard in disguise Gandalf (Sir Ian McKellen, Apt Pupil) shows up & chills out with his fave folk. This draws a parallel to Edith Hamilton�s comment in Mythology about Zeus going away at times to hang with his favorite people, the Ethiopians. That�s a tangent ne�er explored in English class.

So Gandalf hangs to see his ol� buddy Bilbo(Ian Holm, Brazil) at his 111th birthday and is disappointed when he disappears in front of the whole village. He finds out that Bilbo�s been using a ring to do crazy things & leaves to find out what the inscription on the ring meant. He comes back & proceeds to tell Bilbo�s nephew Frodo (Elijah Wood, Forever Young) about the ring. It�s not just any ring; it�s the ONE Ring.

Side note: the One Ring is the fucking Devil. It whispers your name so sweetly and it vibrated and wants you to wear it; c�mon it is a ring�but it�s the scariest thing in the movie ever. It�s not the scariest ring, though�

Meanwhile, Gandalf tells Frodo to take the ring away from MunchkinLand & meet him at a bar in the city; He�s got business to take care of. Sauron knows where to find the ring through torturing Gollum (a former Munchkin tainted by the One Ring) and sends the scary RingWraiths. No face, just a cloak and a sword astride a black horse. Reminds me of Frank Frazetta�s painting, �Death Dealer�. They chase Frodo and his friends Sam(Sean Astin, Rudy) and two other Munchkins called Merry and Pippin. The foursome barely escape and, long story short, they end up at Rivendell, home of the Elves and last refuge of 20th Century Art Noveau. There they meet Gandalf & ask why he wasn�t at the city. Easy for Gandalf to answer: he was getting his ass handed to him by his mentor Saruman the White (Christopher Lee, Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones) whom he thought was good but wasn�t and recently escaped his clutches in Isengard Tower to join the rest of the crew.

Anyways, there�s more people at Rivendell for a meeting to find out what�s going on & what should be done with the One Ring. The Humans say �Keep it & use it against Dark Lord Sauron�, the Elves say �Toss it into Mount Doom to destroy it� and the Dwarves say �We won�t do what either of you kooks say; give it to us & we�ll handle it our way!� Frodo agrees with the Elves and puts it upon himself to go to Mt. Doom and destroy the One Ring. Gandalf suggests to the Elf King Elmdor (Hugo Weaving, The Matrix) that he needs an escort. Thus the Fellowship of the Ring is formed, consisting of Gandalf, the four Munchkins and these noble RPG archetypes:

• Aragorn the Strider, all-around bad ass & future king AKA "the Hero"
  (played by Viggo Mortensen, Carlito�s Way)
• Legolas, the Elven archer, tracker et cetera. If Aragorn�s busy, Legolas�ll handle the problem. He does his job extremely well.
  (played by Orlando Bloom, Black Hawk Down)
• Gimli the ax-wielding Dwarf. Gimli is also a member of the comic relief team consisting of Merry, Pippin & himself.
  (played by John Rhys-Davies, Raiders of the Lost Ark)
• Boromir of Gondor, the �tanker�(read: damage-absorbing member) of the team. Not the smartest dude in the crew. Boromir counts as a Knight.
  (played by Sean Bean, Ronin)

• Arwen, the Elf chick. She�s Aragorn�s lady and I say chick �cuz she doesn�t get as involved as her man. Arwen is torn between her people and her human lover, so she gets to stay home and pine away for him like some ordinary chick.
  (played by Liv Tyler, Empire Records)

Side note: I recall a friend of mine talking about how the music of Orcs and assorted types of rap, bass and hip-hop are similar. Funny thing is that Orcs look like pig people in many incarnations. Also, Orcs seem to be the dark-skinned bad guys in many fantasy stories, if not the only thing standing between the light-skinned Anglo good guys and peace in their cherished lands. I wonder if the underlying message in fantasy sterotypes is that the darkness manifests itself as such through dark skin (Orcs for Black, Easterlings for Arabs, etc.) and must be destroyed accordingly without discussions of peace due to the fact that they�re too evil, too stupid, ugly mud people with pig noses or heathens (from what I understand, a blend of them all) in order to achieve peace without harming your like-skinned brethren. I wonder�Nah! Couldn�t be! Moving on to the story�

Death Dealer by Frank Frazetta

The crew makes a detour into the Mines of Moria Mountain to get to Mordor. Problem with that is Gandalf let loose a Balrog in those mines way back when & they had to fight it. Gandalf falls to his doom fighting the Balrog and the crew mourns his loss when they exit on the other side of the mountain mines. Into the woods, they get caught by Loflorian Elves and meet Galadriel, Queen of the Loflorian Elves (Cate Blanchett, Elizabeth) and a Bearer of one of the original 19 Rings of Power. She is really freaky yet beautiful and weirds everyone in the audience out when she tries to comprehend the uses of the One Ring. She comes out of it and give everyone neato magic items (cloaks, food, magic potion) and sends them on their way.
On their way, they meet up with Orcs. The Orcs want the Ring and fight to get it from the crew. With no Gandalf on back-up, the crew gets cut down. Merry and Pippin are kidnapped by Orcs and Boromir dies defending them. Then the crew gets split up: Sam and Frodo take the direct route to Mordor over hillock and mountain. The RPG Squad (Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas) decide to chase Merry & Pippin�s abductors through the forest. And that�s where the movie cuts.

CHOICE CUTS:
I like this movie a lot. It�s damned goody. Aragorn has this way of rollin that says, �You get one chance to cut me. You fuck up; you die.� Legolas made his debut as the MAN here. He can do you with the bow (he�s an archer) by stabbing you in the eye with an arrow and shooting you & your friend with it, then do melee duty with two short swords. Don�t sleep on the wizard Gandalf�s sword skills. He will rough you up. Gimli, short as he is, is always ready to dig in somebody & I like that. Arwen�s a rider for sure, and having water magic doesn�t hurt at all. Despite his shortcomings, I have to clap it up for Boromir. He took three arrows the size of broomsticks in his body and still kicked ass. A tanker to the last, he was. The duel between the Uruk-Hai leader (the action figure had the name �Lurtz�) and Aragorn was nice. You felt every swordclash and strike by boot and fist. AND they played dirty. Yeah.

Since this is a sword-and-sorcery flick about the book that is the bible defining the base parameters of the genre, it gets no less than 5 out of 5 HAPPY.

Check out my new review: �The Lord of the Rings: the Two Towers�!

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