I am a riot grrrl. I am a confused woman. I loved myself an hour ago, i hate myself now. I don't know what to do. My entire life i've been different. The wierd girl. The kool-aid hair, lunch box carrying, fat girl. The girl that it doesn't matter what you say about her- say it to her face. Go ahead and bark when she walk's by. Go ahead and stare and point. She's not human. She's a dyke. She doesn't have a date to the prom. Years of that will really fuck you up inside. I know becos i am. My girlfriends always left me for a guy when i built up their self-esteem. So i gave up.
I'm 20 fucking years old and no one has ever told me they loved me. Even if they didn't mean it. I started talking to this rad punk rawk boi. Never met him. Just talked on the internet, and then the phone. I really fell for him. This has NEVER happened to me before. It was so great talking to someone who thought i was great. He liked my sense of humor, knew what manic panic was, thought my hole/courtney love obsession was cute, loved that i love cheesy b scary movies, made me laugh, was familiar with the riot grrrl culture, and liked me.
So of course after a period of time meeting each other came up. I enjoyed the conversation so much that i had to admit to myself boi or grrrl i don't care, i'm alone and i want a partner in my life. If this is what it's like, i like it. I started thinking about a relationship with him. I want love, flowers, falling asleep in eachother's arms, and all the stuff that Jennifer Love Hewitt or ( insert current sex pot ideal here) wants. So i told myself it was ok. It's stupid i'm getting myself all worked up for nothing. He appreciates odd things about women. Like, he likes bald girls, amazon women...what's fat to him? So then one day we were talking. He said he showed his picture to some girl via the internet & she thought he was cute. He felt good until he saw her picture. "Oh, it figures, no wonder she thinks i'm cute. She's fat." My heart fell to the floor. Here is someone who likes me, who apprecites bald women, but no no you must not have an ounce of fat! I got very defensive. Pleaded her case. Told him what a disappointment it was to hear someone like him say that. I think he must of assumed i was fat (which i am) after this.
Now the guy that called me just about everyday calls once in a blue moon and i'm "pal" now. Buddy old pal. A good friend. Not 'darlin' anymore. What do i do? Say fuck it and be alone? For a brief disillusioned period i told myself i'd lose 50 lbs this month before we met. I can't believe i considered that. I was a coke addict and still fight coke becos i know if i'm high i won't eat. I'll clean or speed.
I'M A RIOT GRRRL this isn't supposed to hurt me but God dammit! I'm sorry it does. I'm sick of ppl treating me like i'm bad, stupid, a trouble maker, ugly, and a monster with no feelings because i'm fat, have piercings, and love having pink hair or purple hair or whatever...It's fucking hair. I'm probably more moral than most of the people that i disgust. I don't eat meat. I'm very sensitive. I'm very anti-racist & queer positive. Girl friendly. Pro-woman. I'm a good person. I don't wanna cave in but it really fucking hurts.