***** = worst
= worst
Manos, the Hands of Fate (mst3k version)-
Evan: I swear on the soul of a thousand priests that I shall never again watch this movie. It's so bad it'll rot your teeth, deform your children, make distant relatives weep, and cause a total subhumanoid meltdown. Nothing could save this film. Though the mst3k guys try, EVEN THEY comment and apologize for it! The most basic interpretation of the plot would be thus. A family has a breakdown near an old house and must spend the night. Craziness ensues! Torgo ( the housekeeper ) is a gimpish man devoted to "the master" who is supposedly long deceased. The movie has no direction, no plot, no acting, nothing of nutritional value what-so-ever. There are scenes that are at least fifteen minutes long with NO DIALOGUE!
The only part of the film which amused me was the scenes of kids in a sports car getting busted over and over by local authorities. FOR NO REASON! They just sprinkle it in at random! There is no particular editing. Halfway through the movie, Torgo decides that he wants to keep the wife. There is a LOOOOOOONG cat fight scene. No climax, no direction, etc. ... Damn you Anthony for making us watch this movie.
Negative ***************************************************
Tom: I too have had the stubbornness to sit through this movie, however, I did not see it with the kids. I viewed this garbage at my own house (while I could have been doing better things, mind you) whilst watching the blessing that is Mystery Science Theater 3000. This truly was a horrid movie. If take a cross between a savage mental beating and pure, unadulterated evil and you pretty much have the makings of this film. I give it ***** for badness.
Class of Nukem High 2: Subhumanoid Meltdown-
Evan: Troma films. For over ten years they've been appealing to the Ed Wood sense of humor in all of us. With films like The Toxic Crusader, Surf Nazis must Die, and Teenage Catgirls in heat they made us cry. With Fat Guy Goes Nutzo, I was a Teenage Terrorist, and Cannibal: the Musical they made us cry. And with Teenage Catgirls in heat, Demented Death Farm Massacre, Frog Monster from Hell, and Chopper Chicks in Zombie Town they showed us a little about ourselves. Now comes Class of Nuk'em High 2: Subhmanoid Meltdown they take us into a whole new world. It's beautiful world. And only one that troma could take us to with a budget of 112 dollars (that's not a joke, I actually looked it up!). The plot centers around a local high school/nuclear power plant/mutantion research facility, a student reporter, and a bunch of Subhumaniods. Basically it's just a lot of sex, blood, mutants, and horrible acting. The movies highlight of course would be the giant mutant squirrel (Tromie). I actually am at a loss for words at describing this film. You'll just have to see it. It has the Athsma seal of approval. *****
Tom: This film was truly awful. Not even the exceedingly high (yet uncalled for) amount of bare breasts could make up for the low quality of this film. Truely the work of some lunatic who should be locked up. Very fun to watch in the right atmosphere, but I can only give my condolances (if my spelling is correct) to those who see this movie by themselves or with their mothers. No wonder Evan found the tape for one dollar at the very bottom of a big bin of used tapes. Evan wasted his money. He could have spent it better by setting the bill aflame and using the light to search for long lost, melted jellybeans underneath his bed. This movie also gets *****.
Starship Troopers had a remarkable lack of acting and plot, but the special effects were good. Starship Troopers does an terrific job of tapping into the viewer's repressed fears of millions of giant black insect-like creatures running about, each with the ability to devour a cow in seconds. To be honest, we watched this movie mainly because some of us hadn't seen it. Highlights- the enlistment commercials that pop up at random throughout the movie (i.e. kids smoosh bugs, schoolteacher laughs maniacally). **
Evan: I liked this movie. It was cheesy, the acting was bad, the plot was haphazard, and the open ending wasn't begging for a sequel. But even still I enjoyed it. It centers around a group of friends. They graduate high school and immediately join the space marines. They are thrown into a war against an alien race of what are essentially large ants. The expected love triangles occur. There are some great military propaganda jokes scattered about. The great part about this movie though is the over-acting (i.e. a scene where they find a body with a hole in his head. After inspection, the commander confirms in a very serious voice, "They sucked his brains out."). The special effects were well done and looked real enough for me. On a personal note, this movie is also bloody as hell. ***
Tom: I missed this movie.
Evan: This movie was disturbing. ****
Tom: Although I missed most of this movie, I did show up before it was returned to see the infamous "CAN YOU DIG IT" scene. Needless to say, it was baron. I can't really give stars to this movie because I didn't see the whole thing, but I can say I did not dig it... other than for the purposes of making fun of the one scene.
Evan: Have you ever been sitting around your room and thought, " Darn, my it would be lovely to see a film tonight. And wouldn't it be just wonderful if it had ninja robots, horrible flying effects, gang violence, and hacker orphans ?" Well, my strange friend, your dreams have just come true. Not only does the new Robocop have all that and more but it boast the premier of the new robocop. The old actor realized that this movie would probably kill his career so he split (and his career withered and died elsewhere). What were the movie makers to do? Find another actor who looks nothing like the old one and can't act as well. Good idea! And that's what we find here in Robocop 3. Essentially, Robocop is framed for murder, he joins the underground rebels, takes to an orphan hacker and wins the oppressed neighborhood back. Hell, this is Sling Blade 2 kids. Good date movie. *
Tom: Robocop 3; enough said. This movie is probably the highest budget film of all we've seen (excluding Starship Troopers) and yet I feel it fares worse than average.****
Evan: A football player gets transported into another dimension and must engage in an epic battle against Max Von Sydow ( the priest from the exorcist ). This movie was hilarious. It has nothing to do with the Comic book of the same name. Though my associate is wrong, there are tons of highlights to this movie. The villain causes "natural" disasters on Earth via his computer. Among the choices on the screen (earthquakes, tornadoes, volcanoes, etc) is HOT HAIL! These are tiny burning chunks of planet falling from the sky. Flash's hair is never out of place. His shirt gets ripped and is mysteriously repaired in the next scene. A guy gets stabbed in the head by a spike and his eyes pop out for NO GOOD REASON. Probably the funniest thing about this movie is ... FLASH IS A FOOTBALL PLAYER! There is nothing special about him at all! He plays for the 49ers! Watch this and weep. ****
Tom: This film goes way back with Anthony and I. We had both seen it as of eighth grade and both put it out of our memory just as soon as it became unbearable to remember. As our friends began having movie fests, I suggested that Flash Gordon was one movie not to be missed. If you're looking for a great movie to pick apart with your friends, this is it!! ****½
½ The only good thing about this movie was Mr. T, and watching him get extremely hostile towards the bad guys, especially when they try to get 10-year-old kids to join their crime syndicate. Other than that, this film was pretty pointless and really eighties: a bunch of cab drivers pull together to rescue a kidnapped cab driver, all of which takes place in the last 15 minutes of the film! Highlight- Mr. T and the Barbarian Brothers break into a farmhouse kitchen by accident. The brothers bust in the windows
on either side and Mr. T breaks through the door, apologizes to the family that was eating their dinner at the kitchen table, then leaves the same way they came in. **½
Evan: I missed this one, but Mr.T Rules.
Tom: here's another one I didn't see.
Tom: Mr. Nanny is, as Raymond has explained, is the story of how Hulk Hogan's character is left in charge of the two bratish children of millionaire inventor, (insert the character's name here). Soon crazed loonatic, (insert the loonatic's name here) decideds to kidnap the kids for ransome money. Fueled by his thirst for money and desire to have vengence on Hulk (sub-plot), Mr. Nanny is compeled to save the day before evil dominates the world. Not a good movie, but it's not unwatchable, either. Plus, you get to see Hulk Hogan in a pink balerina tutu. Prety good when set next to Manos or Nukem High. *
Tom: Oh! what to say.... As is common with the movies we see at movie fests, this was not a good film. I don't even know why we bother to say that they're bad. I would think it would be pretty apparent by now... Anyway, as Raymond said above, all the budget of this movie went towards the computer generated graphics. I'm not in a very creative review writing mood right now, so I'll just give the movie its *** stars and get the funk outta here!
Tom: This movie was not good in the least. To say that this movie to completely ranked out of the competition for "top 5 worst movies" would be a massive understatement. Although not as disturbing as Manos or Desciple of Death (reviewed below), and [argueably] not as poorly made as Nukem High, there was something that was still SO bad and SO disturbing about the movie that it had to be shut off within the first 20 minutes, the first and ONLY movie thus far to accomplish this with us. This was a stupid movie.
In fact the movie itself, as explained by Raymond above, was not the movie we had originally intended to bring in the first place. About a year ago, which I'm guessing would be October/November 1997, Evan and I were bored one night and were led to, of course, flipping through channels. Unknown to us, we eventually we landed on the USA network which, as usual, was showing a REALLY crappy movie. Knowing that the worst movies make the best entertainment, Evan and I continued to watch and could not believe the poor quality of the film we were seeing. It was a make-shift porn (no nudity) about three female spacemarines who were stranded on a deserted island/planet. As the three women explored the island they ran across "dinosaurs," other hideous creatures, and of course, a native tribe of scantily clad women. Unfortunatly I had to leave before the movie ended and coud not find the USA channel when I got back to my house as we had recently swapped to a different cable company and I had no previous desire to watch USA. So I missed the rest and didn't find out the name of the movie. Evan on the other hand swore the movie was called "Dinosaur Island" as that seems to be a logical name for it. So that's how the mix-up occured. Call it fate. Either way, the USA movie was much worse, yet more watchable and entertaining than "Dinosaur Island and I hope Evan and I can find out the name of the real movie soon.
Incidently, I give Dinosaur Island **** stars.
Tom: This movie was very very very bad. Much akin to Manos, Disciple of Death was an early seventies/late sixties tale of a disciple of satan whom ends up murdering all the good guys and sacrificing all the ladies in the end. Naturally, the girls do not perish, but rather become the dark lord's minions. Highlights: At one point in the movie, our satan worshiper friend decides to summon a "demon of the night" or something. The demon is formed and then TURNS OUT TO BE A MIDGET!! Quote of the movie: "Do as you're toOOOOOOOOLD!!!!"
This movie gets ****(¼+½) stars.
Tom: oh boy oh boy. This was a bad one, folks. As Bo says, sadly, parts of the movie were recorded with a camcorder and the movie was also sprinkled with file footage from Nature and National Geographic safari specials. As far as Ernest movies go, this one wasn't too bad. It probably would have been funny if I was still nine. Plus, our friend Ernest almost hooks up with a chick! Gaping holes in the plot are abound, but what do you expect from an Ernest movie? Plus, there was that one good scene where Ernest was spouting out compliments that are a bit over the heads of the movie's younger viewers... I'm presented witha delima. It's tough to judge this film because I can either A) compare it to GOOD films, or B) I can compare it to the other Ernest movies. So here's what's going to happen: Ernest Goes to Africa compaired to the other Ernest movies that I've seen gets a ** rating. Otherwise, EGTA gets a *** rating.
Ratings and reviews are the expressed opinions of Raymond Rodriguez, Evan Athsma, and Tom Mucus (Jim). Bryan, Greg, Anthony, and Chang, please feel free to add on!!