Manos, the Hands of Fate (mst3k version)-

Easily one of the worst films ever made in the history of filmmaking itself! The plot was absolutely dreadful and many parts of this movie made NO sense and were poorly edited. Even with the mst3k guys tearing it to shreds, this film was wretched enough to make me actually wish for it to end! I did learn one thing from this movie, however, and that was never ignore Anthony's repeated warnings about a terrible movie!! I was left speechless and stunned after being subjected to "Manos," and desired nothing more than to put the movie as far behind me as possible. If it's a synopsis you're looking for, check below; I'm trying not to think of this phlegm--ahem, "film" any more than I have to! Standing the test of time, "Manos" currently and unanimously stands as the worst movie fest film to date. Evan and I have vowed never to see "Manos" again. Highlight- "big knees" Torgo. *****


Evan: I swear on the soul of a thousand priests that I shall never again watch this movie. It's so bad it'll rot your teeth, deform your children, make distant relatives weep, and cause a total subhumanoid meltdown. Nothing could save this film. Though the mst3k guys try, EVEN THEY comment and apologize for it! The most basic interpretation of the plot would be thus. A family has a breakdown near an old house and must spend the night. Craziness ensues! Torgo ( the housekeeper ) is a gimpish man devoted to "the master" who is supposedly long deceased. The movie has no direction, no plot, no acting, nothing of nutritional value what-so-ever. There are scenes that are at least fifteen minutes long with NO DIALOGUE! The only part of the film which amused me was the scenes of kids in a sports car getting busted over and over by local authorities. FOR NO REASON! They just sprinkle it in at random! There is no particular editing. Halfway through the movie, Torgo decides that he wants to keep the wife. There is a LOOOOOOONG cat fight scene. No climax, no direction, etc. ... Damn you Anthony for making us watch this movie.
Negative ***************************************************

Tom: I too have had the stubbornness to sit through this movie, however, I did not see it with the kids. I viewed this garbage at my own house (while I could have been doing better things, mind you) whilst watching the blessing that is Mystery Science Theater 3000. This truly was a horrid movie. If take a cross between a savage mental beating and pure, unadulterated evil and you pretty much have the makings of this film. I give it ***** for badness.

Class of Nukem High 2: Subhumanoid Meltdown-

What can I say, this movie was horrible! On the other hand, it was made to be cheesy (Troma-film, i.e. Toxic Crusaders), so it really doesn't rank as bad as Manos. The acting in this movie was some of the worst that I have ever seen in my life. It really makes you wonder if it actually takes a good actor to act so bad! Being the epitome of low-budget, even the most elaborate sets in Nukem High 2 looked like they constructed mostly of rubbermaid trashcans, slinkies, and spray paint. At one point, the "actors" (I use that word very loosely) even run onto the set of another Troma-film being taped on the movie lot. Yes, it was that bad! Without giving away too much, let me just say that the climatic out-of-proportion battle sequence near the end of the movie can only be described as "hysterical!" Nukem High 2 is a bad movie classic, and should not be missed by Troma fans! Highlight- the mutant squirrel that "grew" by getting closer to the camera. ****

Evan: Troma films. For over ten years they've been appealing to the Ed Wood sense of humor in all of us. With films like The Toxic Crusader, Surf Nazis must Die, and Teenage Catgirls in heat they made us cry. With Fat Guy Goes Nutzo, I was a Teenage Terrorist, and Cannibal: the Musical they made us cry. And with Teenage Catgirls in heat, Demented Death Farm Massacre, Frog Monster from Hell, and Chopper Chicks in Zombie Town they showed us a little about ourselves. Now comes Class of Nuk'em High 2: Subhmanoid Meltdown they take us into a whole new world. It's beautiful world. And only one that troma could take us to with a budget of 112 dollars (that's not a joke, I actually looked it up!). The plot centers around a local high school/nuclear power plant/mutantion research facility, a student reporter, and a bunch of Subhumaniods. Basically it's just a lot of sex, blood, mutants, and horrible acting. The movies highlight of course would be the giant mutant squirrel (Tromie). I actually am at a loss for words at describing this film. You'll just have to see it. It has the Athsma seal of approval. *****

Tom: This film was truly awful. Not even the exceedingly high (yet uncalled for) amount of bare breasts could make up for the low quality of this film. Truely the work of some lunatic who should be locked up. Very fun to watch in the right atmosphere, but I can only give my condolances (if my spelling is correct) to those who see this movie by themselves or with their mothers. No wonder Evan found the tape for one dollar at the very bottom of a big bin of used tapes. Evan wasted his money. He could have spent it better by setting the bill aflame and using the light to search for long lost, melted jellybeans underneath his bed. This movie also gets *****.

Starship Troopers-

Starship Troopers had a remarkable lack of acting and plot, but the special effects were good. Starship Troopers does an terrific job of tapping into the viewer's repressed fears of millions of giant black insect-like creatures running about, each with the ability to devour a cow in seconds. To be honest, we watched this movie mainly because some of us hadn't seen it. Highlights- the enlistment commercials that pop up at random throughout the movie (i.e. kids smoosh bugs, schoolteacher laughs maniacally). **

Evan: I liked this movie. It was cheesy, the acting was bad, the plot was haphazard, and the open ending wasn't begging for a sequel. But even still I enjoyed it. It centers around a group of friends. They graduate high school and immediately join the space marines. They are thrown into a war against an alien race of what are essentially large ants. The expected love triangles occur. There are some great military propaganda jokes scattered about. The great part about this movie though is the over-acting (i.e. a scene where they find a body with a hole in his head. After inspection, the commander confirms in a very serious voice, "They sucked his brains out."). The special effects were well done and looked real enough for me. On a personal note, this movie is also bloody as hell. ***

Tom: I missed this movie.

The Warriors-

Two words: "gang convention." An early 1980's NYC gang movie with an attitude (and a gang of dirty, malnourished, and retarded-looking orphans), "The Warriors" pits an innocent gang accused of killing "the gang leader guy," against countless other gangs as they make their way across New York City using the subway. This movie was extremely baronous, with every gang being more ridiculous than the last (i.e. gang on roller skates, baseball player gang, etc.). Highlight- Gang leader at convention (his name escapes me) peps up the gang delegates by yelling "Can you dig it? (the crowd yells) Can you dig it? (the crowd yells)," and the third time he says it, the words are much slower and louder, and they sound like they were horribly overdubbed (quite possibly by another actor) CAN...YOU...DIG...IT? Needless to say, Chang's VCR's rewind button felt abused when we were done with that scene. ***

Evan: This movie was disturbing. ****

Tom: Although I missed most of this movie, I did show up before it was returned to see the infamous "CAN YOU DIG IT" scene. Needless to say, it was baron. I can't really give stars to this movie because I didn't see the whole thing, but I can say I did not dig it... other than for the purposes of making fun of the one scene.

Robocop 3-

They should have stopped after the second one. This quality of this movie was very poor, even for a Robocop film! However, Robocop 3 in my opinion, currently ranks as one of, if not the funniest movie fest we've seen so far (although not at all intended to be). This movie was a pathetic last-ditch attempt to salvage any originality that could possibly exist in the tired Robocop saga. The result? Same movie, worse actors, worse plot, and worse special effects (Robocop actually flies at the end, with the apparent goal of making blue screen technology seem as obvious and crude as possible). Chang, with his keen eye for botched movie magic (see Mortal Kombat III--the hand in the firey pit) pointed out that in one scene, the store window glass shatters a good second before Robocop walks through it! Highlights- a homeless geet named "Leroy," whose sole purpose in the film was to annoy police officers with his perpetual fascination with the existence of a robotic cop, says (at the police station) "Robocop? You got an alien cop? You got a vampire cop? You got a ghost cop?" and the infamous scene when the ninja robot (yes, a ninja robot) moves his jaw back in place after being hit in the face with a metal pipe. (Humor rivals the graveyard scene in Army of Darkness) ***

Evan: Have you ever been sitting around your room and thought, " Darn, my it would be lovely to see a film tonight. And wouldn't it be just wonderful if it had ninja robots, horrible flying effects, gang violence, and hacker orphans ?" Well, my strange friend, your dreams have just come true. Not only does the new Robocop have all that and more but it boast the premier of the new robocop. The old actor realized that this movie would probably kill his career so he split (and his career withered and died elsewhere). What were the movie makers to do? Find another actor who looks nothing like the old one and can't act as well. Good idea! And that's what we find here in Robocop 3. Essentially, Robocop is framed for murder, he joins the underground rebels, takes to an orphan hacker and wins the oppressed neighborhood back. Hell, this is Sling Blade 2 kids. Good date movie. *

Tom: Robocop 3; enough said. This movie is probably the highest budget film of all we've seen (excluding Starship Troopers) and yet I feel it fares worse than average.****

Flash Gordon-

"FLASH (da da da da da) AAH AHH!! SAVIOR OF THE UNIVERSE!!" screams Queen (or was that the Charter Peachford Choir?) at least 28,917 times throughout this film. For some reason, I have held a strong grudge against this movie ever since Ted Turner cursed TBS with the rights to air "Flash" on public television. In my opinion, this glittery excuse of a movie has ranked as one of, if not the, worst popular film of all time!! I detest this movie almost as much as Manos. Highlight- there wasn't one. ****

Evan: A football player gets transported into another dimension and must engage in an epic battle against Max Von Sydow ( the priest from the exorcist ). This movie was hilarious. It has nothing to do with the Comic book of the same name. Though my associate is wrong, there are tons of highlights to this movie. The villain causes "natural" disasters on Earth via his computer. Among the choices on the screen (earthquakes, tornadoes, volcanoes, etc) is HOT HAIL! These are tiny burning chunks of planet falling from the sky. Flash's hair is never out of place. His shirt gets ripped and is mysteriously repaired in the next scene. A guy gets stabbed in the head by a spike and his eyes pop out for NO GOOD REASON. Probably the funniest thing about this movie is ... FLASH IS A FOOTBALL PLAYER! There is nothing special about him at all! He plays for the 49ers! Watch this and weep. ****

Tom: This film goes way back with Anthony and I. We had both seen it as of eighth grade and both put it out of our memory just as soon as it became unbearable to remember. As our friends began having movie fests, I suggested that Flash Gordon was one movie not to be missed. If you're looking for a great movie to pick apart with your friends, this is it!! ****½

D.C. Cab-

½ The only good thing about this movie was Mr. T, and watching him get extremely hostile towards the bad guys, especially when they try to get 10-year-old kids to join their crime syndicate. Other than that, this film was pretty pointless and really eighties: a bunch of cab drivers pull together to rescue a kidnapped cab driver, all of which takes place in the last 15 minutes of the film! Highlight- Mr. T and the Barbarian Brothers break into a farmhouse kitchen by accident. The brothers bust in the windows on either side and Mr. T breaks through the door, apologizes to the family that was eating their dinner at the kitchen table, then leaves the same way they came in. **½

Evan: I missed this one, but Mr.T Rules.

Tom: here's another one I didn't see.

Mr. Nanny-

This "film," starring Hulk Hogan and "That Jefferson Guy," proved to be a worthy addition to the prestigious film fest list.
Firstly, Hulk Hogan is a terrible actor, and I mean that in the sincerest way possible. The only thing this 300-pound lug is good for is haphazard wrestling scenes and looking really, really stupid. The psycotic kids were another "nice" touch to this wonderfully horrible motion picture. On several occasions they earnestly tried to kill Hogan, their "nanny." I remember one scene in particular where the little "scientific genius boy" is shocking Hogan while he stands in a puddle after a shower. The boy something to the effect to "it's only a little voltage, it won't kill him," and the boy's younger sister takes the voltage controller and excitedly says, "Then turn it up!" While this movie tried to stay light-hearted and "Home-Alonish," I was disturbed not only by the kids with the sick desires to kill Hogan in bizarre ways, but also the dad that didn't even reprimand them for earnestly trying!! He just did not care!! "Oh, are you alright?" he would ask. "These kids can be a handful sometimes...Oops, gotta run to the office, be good kids!"
In addition, the special effects used in this film matched Hogan's acting brillance. In fact, one of the highlights for this film is the last scene in the movie where Hogan's (moving) motorcycle is suddenly jerked out from under him (courtesy of a steel chain and two spiteful kids), yet he seems to "glide" forward very slowly through the air. ***

Tom: Mr. Nanny is, as Raymond has explained, is the story of how Hulk Hogan's character is left in charge of the two bratish children of millionaire inventor, (insert the character's name here). Soon crazed loonatic, (insert the loonatic's name here) decideds to kidnap the kids for ransome money. Fueled by his thirst for money and desire to have vengence on Hulk (sub-plot), Mr. Nanny is compeled to save the day before evil dominates the world. Not a good movie, but it's not unwatchable, either. Plus, you get to see Hulk Hogan in a pink balerina tutu. Prety good when set next to Manos or Nukem High. *

Mortal Kombat: Annihilation-

Bad, bad, bad! I would have even been content if they had stopped after the first Mortal Kombat movie, aptly titled, "Mortal Kombat."
The makers of this movie obviously pumped their entire "special effects budget" into the computer graphics department, and even that got cheesy (a.k.a. the dragons)! The other special effects were bad enough to make Ed Wood blush! For example, it appears that the blue screen outline effect was accidentally overlooked entirely, as well as the blatent abuse of foam bricks!
Also, the fight scenes used in MKA were absolutely disgraceful by any film standards, Power Rangers included! The highlights of this film were when Rayden (not played by Christopher Lambert, thank goodness) trades his immortality for short hair and gayness, and when you see a hand catch a black-clothed ninja (the REAL ninja that was supposed to fall, not to mention the only bad guy in the room, WORE RED!) when he falls into a firey pit. ***

Tom: Oh! what to say.... As is common with the movies we see at movie fests, this was not a good film. I don't even know why we bother to say that they're bad. I would think it would be pretty apparent by now... Anyway, as Raymond said above, all the budget of this movie went towards the computer generated graphics. I'm not in a very creative review writing mood right now, so I'll just give the movie its *** stars and get the funk outta here!

Dinosaur Island-

This movie was so stupid, that it was the first movie in our history of bad movies to ever be CUT OFF before the movie had ended!!!!
This happened due to a number of factors, the first and foremost being it was the wrong movie!! Evan and Tom had somehow mistaken Dinosaur Island with another movie that they had seen, which is rumored to be even worse! Secondly, this film was getting very, very tedious. The basic plot was this: 5 or 6 US Army guys (quite possibly played by a bunch of baronistic Dunwoody alumni) are stranded on an "uncharted island" (though in the background you can PLAINLY see a much larger land mass) inhabited by a tribe of scantily-clad women who somehow speak English and worship "smiley-face" tattoos.
What stood out the most in this film was its special effects. The special effects used in Dinosaur Island were the poorest I had ever seen!! They were less realistic than the old "Godzilla" flicks, and even worse than intentionally-bad special effects of a Troma-Film!!
The highlight of this film, in my opinion, was the dinosaur (toy dinosaur) eating one of the Army guys that looked an awful lot like a "G.I. Joe" action figure. From what I saw, I'd give this low-budget waste of film a rating of ****.

Tom: This movie was not good in the least. To say that this movie to completely ranked out of the competition for "top 5 worst movies" would be a massive understatement. Although not as disturbing as Manos or Desciple of Death (reviewed below), and [argueably] not as poorly made as Nukem High, there was something that was still SO bad and SO disturbing about the movie that it had to be shut off within the first 20 minutes, the first and ONLY movie thus far to accomplish this with us. This was a stupid movie.
In fact the movie itself, as explained by Raymond above, was not the movie we had originally intended to bring in the first place. About a year ago, which I'm guessing would be October/November 1997, Evan and I were bored one night and were led to, of course, flipping through channels. Unknown to us, we eventually we landed on the USA network which, as usual, was showing a REALLY crappy movie. Knowing that the worst movies make the best entertainment, Evan and I continued to watch and could not believe the poor quality of the film we were seeing. It was a make-shift porn (no nudity) about three female spacemarines who were stranded on a deserted island/planet. As the three women explored the island they ran across "dinosaurs," other hideous creatures, and of course, a native tribe of scantily clad women. Unfortunatly I had to leave before the movie ended and coud not find the USA channel when I got back to my house as we had recently swapped to a different cable company and I had no previous desire to watch USA. So I missed the rest and didn't find out the name of the movie. Evan on the other hand swore the movie was called "Dinosaur Island" as that seems to be a logical name for it. So that's how the mix-up occured. Call it fate. Either way, the USA movie was much worse, yet more watchable and entertaining than "Dinosaur Island and I hope Evan and I can find out the name of the real movie soon.
Incidently, I give Dinosaur Island **** stars.

Disciple of Death-

½ This film was bad to the point of EVIL!! In fact, Disciple of Death was disturbingly reminiscent of the current worst movie of all time, Manos: The Hands of Fate. Words cannot describe how bad this film is. Evan offered to pay a dollar for this movie, but the people at the "scavenger hunt-esque" store repeatedly insisted on 50 cents. Once you've seen this movie, you can only wonder how this film made it to videocassette. I hope Tom and Evan will tell you more about the plot, because I feel ill just thinking about it. Highlight: The religous leader (who has hilariously humongous lips) of the 18th century English village where the film takes place, warns a girl that the mysterious new neighbor is actually the evil Disciple of Death and exclaims "Don't argue girl, do as you're tOOOOOLd!!!!" During the "tOOOOOLd" part, the man's voice gets higher and strangely lingers on the vowel "O." That one quote had everyone rolling on the floor laughing, and demanded several replays! "Disciple of Death" won the first place prize for the worst movie of the First Annual Thanksgiving Film Festival hands down, and also got the "best quote" award! Evan really picked a winner! ****½

Tom: This movie was very very very bad. Much akin to Manos, Disciple of Death was an early seventies/late sixties tale of a disciple of satan whom ends up murdering all the good guys and sacrificing all the ladies in the end. Naturally, the girls do not perish, but rather become the dark lord's minions. Highlights: At one point in the movie, our satan worshiper friend decides to summon a "demon of the night" or something. The demon is formed and then TURNS OUT TO BE A MIDGET!! Quote of the movie: "Do as you're toOOOOOOOOLD!!!!"
This movie gets ****(¼+½) stars.

Ernest Goes to Africa-

When I was a kid, I would have argued that Ernest movies would give Citizen Cane and Casablanca a run for their money! Back then, Ernest (Jim Varney) was a legend, a mythic and timeless icon adored by millions of pre-pubescent fans.
Sadly, the story I'm about to tell is a tragic tale of Ernest's descent into obscurity, and the overuse of the word "schmoe."
The plot of the movie is roughly this: Ernest buys 2 diamonds that had been quickly stashed in the $2 bin at a outdoor market by a thief. Ernest, not knowing that the stones were extremely valuable gems, paints them and makes them into a yo-yo, which he gives to a girl he likes. He and the girl are captured by the typical "black shades/black suit" bad guys and are taken to Africa. Ernest escapes (by accident, of course), somehow frees his girlfriend from torture, and makes a lot of African natives laugh at his crazy antics in the process. At the end of the movie, the girl tells Ernest that their love could never be because she wants a more settled, home-town boy.
Now, I've seen my share of Ernest movies, and let me tell you, this one was by far the worst! Don't believe me? Ernest Goes to Camp: original, a "classic", Ernest, Scared Stupid: suspense, special effects, Ernest Goes to Jail: better special effects, also original. PLUS all of the previous Ernest films have had that fat guy and his sidekick the "weird-looking-skinny-guy-that-never-talked," which provided an IMPORTANT comic relief from the relentless comedy stylings of that which is--Ernest.
Half of this movie seriously looked like it was shot with a camcorder. Jim Varney shamelessly and tirelessly exhibits all of the faces and catch-phrases that made him famous. This movie was very predictable and extremely boring. Thought I was going to forget about the "schmoe" part, eh? Let's just say that if the Guiness Book of World Records had a "highest 'schmoe' count film" category, Ernest Goes to Africa would be the undisputed titleholder. It's simply astonishing that such an obscure word can be written into such a mundane script so many times! Whoever wrote the screenplay for this movie needs serious help! Highlight- Ernest, while pretending to be an Indian-like servant, bows down at the feet of "the master," (who only wants a martini) and among the string of zany complements he gives, Ernest exclaims, "Your flatulence is the perfume of the night!" That's how bad it was, even the highlight was horrible! ***

Tom: oh boy oh boy. This was a bad one, folks. As Bo says, sadly, parts of the movie were recorded with a camcorder and the movie was also sprinkled with file footage from Nature and National Geographic safari specials. As far as Ernest movies go, this one wasn't too bad. It probably would have been funny if I was still nine. Plus, our friend Ernest almost hooks up with a chick! Gaping holes in the plot are abound, but what do you expect from an Ernest movie? Plus, there was that one good scene where Ernest was spouting out compliments that are a bit over the heads of the movie's younger viewers... I'm presented witha delima. It's tough to judge this film because I can either A) compare it to GOOD films, or B) I can compare it to the other Ernest movies. So here's what's going to happen: Ernest Goes to Africa compaired to the other Ernest movies that I've seen gets a ** rating. Otherwise, EGTA gets a *** rating.

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Ratings and reviews are the expressed opinions of Raymond Rodriguez, Evan Athsma, and Tom Mucus (Jim). Bryan, Greg, Anthony, and Chang, please feel free to add on!!