14th February 2000

I was walking to work, oh sorry hospital (I think of it as work now for some reason) this morning, and the sky was beautifully blue (it was cold, unlike yesterday). The sun was shining brightly on my back, and the moon hung in the sky before me. I don't know if any of you have ever noticed, but sometimes on odd occasions you can see the moon in the sky during the day; it doesn't have to be a dark day or anything, even on a day as sunny as today, and it's a strange pale-white ghostly colour and looks like its been painted onto the sky. Today it was a half-moon, and it's always slightly magical to me to see it hanging eerily in the sky as it did. I remember a time when magic was looking into someone's eyes, but now it's looking at the moon in a daylight sky. Perhaps I'm just growing old. I wondered, as I often do, whether that day-moon would be seen the world over, not just on the other side of the world, but over the whole world. Wouldn't that be something. Just keep your head up looking at the sky next time you go out and you might catch a glimpse of what I mean.

By the time I got off work it was dark and I was walking home treading around shining puddles of black on the sidewalks, and everytime I breathed out I created a huge cloud of mist. I've always been intrigued by these mist-clouds that transform dogs and people into fire-breathing dragons. The first time I did it was in Australia, a long, long time ago in college when I flew there for the International Science School; I remember waking up one morning and I'd been blest with the gift, for a day. It wore off next day when it got warmer. I do it now in london, almost every day and each time it's a wonder to me and I huff and puff and get odd looks from strangers walking down the road, and I don't care. Even if I'm wearing my overcoat and shirt and tie. I can see myself doing it as a proper full-fledged doctor, walking out of A&E just to go puff clouds of mist for a while. Hey, it's cheaper than smoking.

Two friends of mine are going through a bit of a rough patch; they're really enthusiastically keen on each other (like labradors) but one of them's a bit hung up over the past, and the other's getting progressively more confused. I look at them and I see two kids, and I laugh to see it unfolding the way I predicted (ok. this is me laughing : Ha Ha HA!) and I can even see where it's going to go, and I'll laugh some more when that happens, but it's all made me realise what a very old, old man I've become. I'm twenty-four. It seems like yesterday that I was fifteen - christ, where did all that time go? I'm bloody twenty-four. Then I take a step back and breathe, and think well, I'm only twenty-four. That's young, yet. I'm still a medical student, I'm still building my career, it won't be a good ten years more before I'm comfortably settled down and beginning to develop artherosclerosis in my coronary arteries. But then why do I feel fity-seven.

Someone was reading this page and commented to me that she couldn't believe I was a guy, because it reads like my heart is just on the brink all the time of shattering to pieces; walking home today in the dark wetness I was reminded of a scene from Ally McBeal and thought - cripes, I've turned into the male version of Ally... then I laughed and realised hell no, I'm not on the brink of heartbreak all the time. Does it read that way? That's not how I feel at all. Things affect me, I write about them, yes. But that's all there is to it, yeah best buddy of all time you read this and take note. The only difference between me and the ordinary Joe is I write about these things, about how I feel. ALL of you feel things like this from time to time, maybe as med students we encounter them more in hospital than other kids our ages, but I don't get traumatized by other peoples' suffering, au contraire, I go home and make a nice cup of tea and chill out, and I remember them, yeah but every day's separate from the next, every time I saw Mrs B it was a new occasion, I was starting from a clean slate every time emotionally. So yes, I'm male, through and through. Sometimes I even watch rugby on TV and enjoy it. Oh dear, now I'm bound to become an orthopedic surgeon.

Things are looking up for my various friends around the world, You of the insensitive new age guy dilemma have taken to mailing me jokes and I hope you're doing ok now, it's been a while since your last proper email. You of the big exams seem to have picked yourself up. You with the massive problems at home seem to have sorted them out - I hope you're doing well down under now, and that things never ever go back to the way they were. You of the USA scum problem seem to have picked yourself up and seen the light, I hope the new LSE bloke treats you well, or better at any rate. You of the US bloke who's left for home, well you seem to have another one doing exactly the same and last we spoke you were okay with it all... and that's wonderful :) I hope you wander over here soon. And you of the magic, well I don't know how you're doing but I sincerely hope you're doing brilliantly, and I know it. And you're probably teaching medical students by now, and they're probably all going ga-ga over you, and you don't even know it, and I'm glad.

There was a pale blue moon in the sky this morning.