20th January 2001

Looking out the window of a noisy underground train filled with silent strangers, at nothing at particular, I'm struck by Differences. At how there's different ways to do, and see everything.

Staring fixedly at the blemished tunnel walls passing quickly by - can be done either vacantly and impassively, or dreamily, with a smile playing about the corners of your mouth.

Yesterday, and I'm sitting at a computer in hospital, checking my email hopefully. I look out the window dreamily, and while I'm looking the first snowflake falls. And then the second. I watch entranced, as a snowfall begins. Have you ever seen the start of a snowfall? It's magical, and surreal. A hospital staff administrator walks up to use the photocopier - I gesture out the window and she says yes, it's snowing. Isn't it depressing?

Half an hour later, I'm trying to comfort a chronically depressed little girl who's had far too much happen to her in her brief lifetime. She's rocking on the bed in distress, and I point out the window - Look! Her face lights up. It's beautifful. I think so too.

Falling. It's a word charged with meanings - so, so many. Depending on how you read it. Nobody wants to fall, but who can imagine a good fall? :)

Missing you. Another phrase, charged with meaning - on the one hand, spoken in anguish and desperation, and on the other, with something akin to wonder and hope.

Today's post is incoherent - nothing to do with the Asti I just drank *hic!* :) But something to do with life - the complexity, the duality. Life is how you choose to see it, how things happen, to make you see it in different ways.

I'm back at the ward with the little girl, and trying to explain this concept to her. To try to help her smile again. I take out a coin, and tell her that life is how you want it to turn out. I flip the coin, and tell her it doesn't matter which side it comes up, but which side you really wanted to begin with. After all, I can skew the flip, so making the flip is senseless to begin with. She looks unconvinced, and continues rocking. I give her the coin and ask her to try it. She doesn't know how to flip a coin. I teach it to her, in slow motion, and she flips the coin, and catches it deftly, and starts laughing.

I'm walking home after stuffing myself with Penang Laksa and black bean dessert, and yusheng, and all of london is cloaked by a faint mist. To me now, it's beautifully surreal, and it softens all the hard edges around me, and almost erases the coke cans lying dead on the ground and the chewing-gum scars on the pavement... but I imagine, to someone else, it'd be cold, hugging, drearily damp and depressing. And that someone else might have been me, a few months ago. Bizarre.

Life is a strange, strange thing :)

On to my MP3 list : I promised someone I'd post this, so here it is. :) Bear in mind not all the mp3s were chosen by me. I'm a messy guy who tends to go by hearsay and keep the things I download, even the ones that don't particularly impress me. But most of them are me :)

(Aqua) Turn Back Time
(Ben E. King) Stand by Me
(Bonnie Tyler) Total Eclipse of the Heart *
(Beverly Craven) Promise Me.wma *
(Bryan Adams) Have you ever Really Loved a Woman
(Bryan Adams) - I Do It For You
(Elton John) Can You Feel The Love Tonight
(Elton John) Candle in the Wind
(Elton John) Circle of Life
(Elton John) Sacrifice
(Elton John) Sorry seems to be the Hardest Word
(Elton John) Your Song
(Europe) The Final Countdown
(Everthing But the Girl) I Don't Want to Talk about it
(Jewel) Foolish Games *
(Heart) All I wanna do is Make Love to You *
(Natalie Imbruglia) Torn *
(Nilsson) Without You
(Richard Marx) Hazard
(Rod Stewart) Have I Told You Lately
(Simply Red) Stars
(Soul) Kiss From a Rose
(Spice Girls) Viva Forever
(Starship) Nothing's Gonna Stop us Now
(The Bangles) Eternal Flame
(The Scorpions) Wind of Change
(Bette Midler) - The Rose *
(Chris de Burgh) - The Lady in Red *
(Eric Clapton) - Layla (live)
(Jewel) - Hands
(Jewel) You Were Meant For Me
(Eric Clapton) - Tears in Heaven
(Elvis Costello) She.wma *
(Another Level) From The Heart
(Breathe) - Hands to Heaven.wma
(Ace Of Base) All That She Wants
(Coco Lee Wen) Before I Fall In Love
(Chen Han Wei & Cai Li Lian) - Guan Huai Fang Shi
John Travolta - Grease - Summer Nights.mp3
(Celine Dion & R Kelly) - I'm Your Angel
(Diana King) - I'll Say A Little Prayer
(Michael Jackson) - You Are Not Alone
(Pearl Jam) - Last Kiss
(Shania Twain) You've Got A Way (Notting Hill Version) *
Diana Ross - If We Hold on Together
Vonda Shepard - I Know Him By Heart *
Vonda Shepard - Baby Don't You Break My Heart *
(Adam Sandler) - Grow Old With You
(All 4 One) - I Swear
(Bon Jovi) - Always
(Bruce Springsteen) - Secret Garden.wma *
(Michael Jackson) - You Are Not Alone
(N'Sync & Gloria Estafan) - Music Of My Heart
(Sting) - Fields Of Gold *
(Bryan Adams & Rod Stewart & Sting) - All For One All For Love.wma *
(Frente) - Bizzare Love Triangle *
(N'Sync) - The Lion Sleeps Tonight.wma
Billy Joel - The River of Dreams
(Dan Hill) - Sometimes When We Touch.wma
13 - Tina Arena & Marc Anthony - I Want To Spend My Lifetime *
(Jim Brickman) - The Gift.wma
(The Wonders) - That Thing You Do! *
(The Wonders) - All My Only Dreams *
(The Wonders) - Little Wild One *
(The Wonders) - That Thing You Do - live *
(The Wonders) - I Need You, That Thing You Do *
No Doubt - Dont speak *
Savage Garden - Truly, Madly, Deeply
Extreme - More than Words
Village People - YMCA
Eagles-Hotel California *
Meredith Brooks - Bitch *
(Jennifer Lopez & Marc Anthony) - No Me Ames.wma
(Expose) - I'll Never Get Over You Getting Over Me.wma
Shania Twain - You're Still The One *
Dance-Eurythmics Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)
These Boots Are Made For Walking
Cutting Crew - I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight *
Toni Braxton - Unbreak My Heart *
An American Tail - Somewhere Out There
Lisa Loeb and the 9 Stories - Stay *
Fugees-Killing Me Softly
Beatles - Yesterday
The Champs - Tequila
My Heart Will Go On (Love Theme From Titanic) by Celine Dion
Sophie B Hawkins (As I Lay Me Down)
Donna Lewis - I Love You Always Forever
Indecent Obsession - Fixing a Broken Heart *
Tiffany - If Love Is Blind *
GoWest- King Of Wishful Thinking
Richard Marx - Now And Forever
Eric Clapton - Change the World *
Jann Arden - Insensitive *
I've Never Been to Me - Charlene *
Eric Clapton - Layla
Melanie C - Northern Star
Backstreet Boys - I Want It That Way
Roy Orbison - Pretty Woman
R. Kelly - If I Could Turn Back The Hands
TLC - No Scrubs *
Donna Lewis - at the beginning.mp3
(Layla Kaylif) - Shakespeare In Love (Acoustic Version).wma *
Chantal Kreviazuk - Leaving on a Jet Plane *
Wham - Last christmas
Toni Braxton - How Could an Angel Break My He
Donna Lewis - I Could Be The One *
Don Mclean - Starry Starry Night
Don McLean - American Pie *
Ronan Keating - When You Say Nothing At All *
Mary Black - Only a Woman's Heart *
mary Black - Song for Ireland *
Diana King - Shy Guy
Roxette - Spending My Time *
Jerry Lewis- Great Balls of Fire
The Cardigans-Lovefool
The Corrs -- So Young *
Eric Clapton - Wonderful Tonight
Micheal Learns To Rock - Breaking My Heart
Michael Learns to Rock - 25 minutes *
The Proclaimers - I Would Walk 500 Miles
[Soul Asylum] - Runaway Train
Belinda Carlisle - Circle In The Sand
Belinda Carlisle - Heaven is a Place on Earth
Rent - Seasons of Love
Louis Armstrong and Ella Fitzg - Dream A Little Dream Of Me
(Enrique Iglesias) Bailamos *
Savage Garden - I Knew I Loved You
Unknown Artist - The Enchanted Garden *
Pachelbel - Canon In D *
Sarah McLachlan - Angel
Tomaso Albinoni - Adagio
Giorgio Moroder & Philip Oakley - Together In Electric Dreams *
Bryan Adams-Cloud Number 9 *
Sixpence None The Richer - Kiss Me *
All Saints - Pure shores *
Air Supply - All Out Of Love
Bryan Adams - Please Forgive Me
Sarah McLachlan - I Will Remember You *
(air supply)- making love out of nothing at all
The Corrs - What Can I Do
The Verve - Bittersweet Symphony *
Jerry E Lewis - Great Balls of Fire
Kim Carnes - Bette Davis Eyes *
Boyz II Men - Yesterday
Elton John - Candle in the Wind (Princess Diana)
Suzanne Vega - Luka
SHANIA TWAIN - THAT DON'T IMPRESS ME MUCH *
Shania Twain - From This Moment On
Olivia Newton-John - Gaia - One Woman's Journey - 06 - Don't Cut Me Down-1
Ten Sharp - You
Collin Raye - I Wish I Could
Eric Carmen - Make Me Lose Control *
Simon and Garfunkel - Cecilia
Rick Price - Heaven knows
Jefferson Starship - Sara
Desree- You Gotta Be *
Colin Raye - Love Me *
Steps - Deeper Shade Of Blue
Whitney Houston f. Enrique - Could I Have This Kiss *
Cyndi Lauper - All Through The Night *
Tommy Page - A shoulder to cry on
Bewitched - Blame It On The Weatherman *
Debbie Gibson - Lost in Your Eyes
Tiffany - I Think We're Alone Now
Ella Fitzgerald - Someone To Watch Over Me
Bon Jovi-You give love a bad name
Bon Jovi - Bed of Roses
Lionel Richie - Hello
Bobby Vinton - Sealed With A Kiss
Backstreet Boys - Shape of My Heart
Lamb - Gorecki *
Sting/Jobim - How Insensitive
Lamb - Cotton Wool
Lamb - God Bless *
Enya - Orinoco Flow (Sail Away)
Enya - Only Time *