27th December 1999

3am, Dec 27. Watched Anna and the King tonight, a truly beautiful movie, and was almost moved to tears, but "almost" never cuts it except in hand-grenades and heart-attacks. I subsequently "helped" a friend to make her final break-up with some insensitive New Age guy, and somewhere along the way promised her to put this piece up, so here it is. I will say this, on the side : Real life, for once, moved me more than Reel life tonight.

Tonight I write of love, what little I know of it, and of the people who "play" the game. In my opinion (correct me if I'm wrong) the "adult" world is basically made up of three different types of people.

By and large the majority are the cynics and heartweary travellers who have walked the road, simply because it was there, who have gone with the flow and made mistakes simply because it seemed like the right thing to do at a particular point in time. A particular cynic once told me that in response to a Literature teacher's question about why Shakespeare wrote Romeo and Juliet, she answered "because he needed the MONEY". Her well-meaning teacher subsequently became extremely concerned about her student's state of mental and emotional health. The memory still brings a smile to my lips. :)

These are people who have forgotten how to dream, who have lost hope in dreams, for whom pragmatism rules the day; once in a while one of them dares to try to dream again, only he or she doesn't do it quite right and gets stung back into insensitivity, and my heart bleeds for all of you out there who identify with what I'm writing. But who's to say this isn't the safest road to walk. There must be some reason everyone's doing it this way.

Then there are dreamers, people who watch Ally Mcbeal and believe with all their hearts that somewhere out there is The One, and that they all know him/her by heart. And the producers of Ally milk them for all they're worth, because secretly we all want to be dreamers, secretly we all believe that somewhere out there, sometime out there, when the time is Right, we'll meet the One for us and spend the rest of our lives with him/her.  The difference between the cynics and the dreamers is that the dreamers wait for him/her; the cynics don't. At least not inentionally. They go with the flow, and if it ain't flowing, well that's okay too. And if there's a windfall, well way-hey it's time to go to market and buy fish -- touch touch, squeeze squeeze, poke poke (I've unashamedly stolen that line from someone *lol*) and we'll just choose the fittest and biggest of the lot, and sod the dreams.

Dreamers you see, can't do that. They believe that that cheapens things somehow, that it detracts from the significance and meaning of things. Dreamers get all the flak, they're slammed as naive, unrealistic, impractical fools. Some even go as far as to call them nerds for their "old-world" beliefs. (YES! You heard right. You're a NERD, 'Princess'... *lol*) And ironically it takes the most strength to be a dreamer, because it's surprisingly hard to put into practice. Even dreamers want, at some level, to be "attached" to somebody, no matter how much they profess their love for independence. And I admit it -- I'm a dreamer. I believe that there is a "ONE" out there and that I'll know her when I see her. I'm not sure there is an absolute "ONE", more like, well perhaps a handful each lifetmie for each of us, and the chances of actually meeting even one of them is vanishingly small, let alone two, and perhaps you won't actually know it the second you meet her, but perhaps you will after getting to know her for just a teeny bit. That's when you start discovering there's something extra, something almost "magic" there, something they call chemistry, X-factor (pheremones? *heh*), "compatability" -- call it what you will. And then you KNOW. Perhaps within your first conversation with her, and strangely our, or the majority of our gut-reactions (watch movies... you'll see *lol*) are always disbelief and cynicism. And I think that's got to do with the masks we wear as Real Life individuals (see 26 Dec entry). And part of the wonder is continuing to get to know that someone even better and finding that magic still there; in discovering there IS no mask, or that behind the mask is someone special. And so you "know", you doubt, but you keep "knowing" till a point comes when you have to admit it's real.

And the cynics and heartweary amongst you will scoff and ask but HOW will you know WHEN? And I put forward that there isn't a HOW. There isn't a correct way to do this because it's so individual and unique an experience. It just IS. And what proof have I? None whatsoever, save to say that, well I think I've seen something almost like this once before in this lifetime, although as time passes I'm not so sure anymore. But I know that I have to dream, for some reason; it's who I am. And the dreamers amongst you will know the same.

And finally there are those who dream of dreaming, and these are the most dangerous of all, because they yearn for the "dream" so much that that literally make every relationship into a dream, and have everyone, including themselves completely fooled, and then a bigger and better "dream" comes along and *bam* that's it, old hat, helloooooo sunshine. And in their wake they leave a trail of confused destruction and poorly resolved issues. And to make things worse it's so hard to blame them because at heart they're really just self-delusional dreamers, they're just irresponsible children who want so much for there to be a "ONE" that everyone who enters their lives becomes that ONE, and feels special and wonderful forever and ever till death - or a newer model - do part. And I charge that they ARE to be blamed, for being grossly irresponsible, for being unforgivably selfish, for not understanding the true nature of Love -- and mind, we're not talking Love = Sex here. We're talking something far greater that gives dreamers the hope to dream, and Ally the commercial potential she has. (oh yeah? Just wait till the life-sized inflatable... uh nevermind) (DANCING BABIES I WAS THINKING. WHAT WERE YOU? *grin*)

So how do you differentiate the honest dreamer from the wannabe dreamer? You can't. They're both sincere, and they both think they're for Real. I suppose you could always take their histories, and the one with the 27 previously failed relationships is more likely to be a wannabe than the Real McCoy down on his luck. After all, what chance finding 27 true loves in one lifetime. And then again... that's cynicism creeping in. *lol* I suppose all we can do is to take it slowly, and suss out the other person, and if, within an arbitrary period of time (within reasonable limits ie >1 week <11 years or something... go figure) the chicken hasn't enthusiastically flown the coop, then He/She's probably for Real. I'm not saying it's carved in stone though. I reckon dreamers can easily become cynics, and cynics can, with considerable effort become dreamers, and anyone can become a dreamer wannabe, and heck maybe the wannabes upon meeting the ONE become dreamers for real. It's all very iffy and undefined, is reality. Give me a chocolate chip cookie anyday.

So what IS love? And here's where I make another shocking admission, and say I don't know. Hah, yeah he's been wasting your time all along -- everything he's written beforehand he's got no qualifications to write, he's a quack without a cert, he's an ordinary layman. But that's precisely the point. I write as a layman and share my individual and bizarre little ideas with you, as a fellow traveller and not as a person in authority. Take them if thou wilt, else scoff at them and thumb thine perty little noses at them, but either way -- sign my guestbook when you're done. *grin*

I think love is a profound sharing. A sharing that is selfless, that seeks no reward, yet is complete and knows no boundaries -- a willingness to give everything of oneself, even beyond what one can give. And at the same time, a profound trust that the opposite party will NEVER ask more than what one can give; a mutual understanding that all gifts are simply gifts from the heart. Neither bribes nor loans be, but presents instead solely for someone else's gain and happiness. And should gifts coincide with giving from the other party, then that's an exchange, yes, but a coincidental exchance. A magical moment, much like deja-vu, rather than a "given" or a taken-for-granted.

A "giving" ? -- of trust, of grievances, of darkest secrets and foremost fears, of joys and happiness and trials and tribulations; in short of Everything. Love isn't about hiding things from someone else because it will hurt him/her, but about telling 'it' (whatever it is) anyway because trust is penultimate, because Faith covers all the cracks. And a certain wise woman once told me that faith, once lost is hard to regain (another described it to me as a vase... *lol* -- good luck with your sellotape and UHU glue, Ally) and you know, she's dead right. I think it's nigh on impossible to regain, because, well because it's like looking beyond the mask and seeing the Truth. It's hard to find one's way back down a road renovated beyond recognition.

Love's about sharing two lives -- relationships aren't necessarily such a complete sharing. Cynics get by fine with each other, but perhaps that's why they break up so often. Or perhaps the dreamers were simply right all along. heh. Goooo, dreamers!

And love's also about compromise. About being able to change oneself -- not about someone else forcing a change upon you -- but a voluntary, even if painful, giving-up of something you cherish (Elton John's "sacrifice" in effect) for someone else; be it a common home with parents, a life in a certain career or city, or both, or of a particular dream. Not a complete sacrifice, though, since by definition a compromise is mutual and meets at the half-way mark, but an equal partial-sacrifice - a bending of 2 parties to achieve a common destination. Two parties. Two lives. Love isn't about being selfish or getting one's money's worth. Love isn't about risk/benefit, or about money. And if you think it is, well, good on you. I don't, thank God.

And that's my take on love. I thank you for enduring this wild rant, and leave you with these not-very original thoughts and a parting question. Have you ever really, really loved a woman/man ?

This article is dedicated to you, Jin-Ee Kwan.
Keep daring to dream. You did good, kid